The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!


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Infecting 1002

Views: 333/9090
Added: 02/22/2009

In 2010, George and Neal went back in time to 2001 to stop themselves from hang gliding off 7 South Dearborn. Instead of arriving in 2001, they arrived in 1002. They tagged along with a group of colonists, accidentally spreading an epidemic among the Viking colony in Greenland. It's true. Neal didn't just totally wikipedia what happened in 1002 to add it to this. The epidemic was simply the common cold, but the 2010 version of the virus had mutated so much from what was around in 1002. Because of it's super resistance to all antibiotics and the sudden lack of all antibiotics in 1002 combined with the fresh clean air, free from pollutants, Neal's first sneeze resulted in the virus escaping his system and growing to massive size. The vikings weren't infected so much as crushed, like Godzilla crushed Tokyo (which is another story altogether). Also, George convinced Otto of Worms to withdraw his nomination for the title of Holy Roman Emperor and as a result good old Wormsy received Duchy of Carinthia in return. Nice - Thanks George!

 

Infecting 1002 - Cold viruses chasing Vikings... Never before had something so huge come out of Neal's nose. Well, except for that one time when he snotted all over Neptune (you always wondered why it's green right?).

Cold viruses chasing Vikings... Never before had something so huge come out of Neal's nose. Well, except for that one time when he snotted all over Neptune (you always wondered why it's green right?).

Photo by: George

Tags: 1002(1) 2001(8) 2010(16) diseases(9) historic events(18) neal funk(18) people of history(33) vikings(2)
Names Mentioned: 7 south dearborn tower(2) carinthia(1) chicago(14) godzilla(3) greenland(2) otto of worms(1) roman empire(1) tokyo(3)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: George (1)

 
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George & Neal's Excellent Adventure

Views: 380/9698
Added: 03/05/2009

In 1988, Bill and Ted went on an excellent adventure. Nothing compared to the exploits of George and Neal, which the movie was based off of. However, like all "based on a true story" movies, certain facts were glossed over or changed. For example, Neal and George learned through their time traveling exploits that Joan of Arc really loved marshmallows, Beethoven was not deaf but rather he just didn't like listening to people, Ghengis Kahn was not a real person but instead was a bear dressed in men's clothing. The movie did accurately portray Napoleon as a jerk though. That guy stole George's iPod. "Jokes on you, little man," George cried angrily, "Where you going to charge it back in your time?" Of course, to Napoleon, all he heard was "Waa Waa Waaa Waa" Charlie Brown style, because he didn't speak English. Also, George didn't say dude. His favorite word? Jaguanst.

Tags: 1988(6) ancient wonders(9) inspirations(19) ipod(2) jaguanst(8) journey(6) movies(41) napoleon(2) people of history(33) time machine(37)
Names Mentioned: apple computer corporation(3) beethoven(1) bill and ted's excellent adventure(2) charlie brown(3) ghengis kahn(1) ipod(2) joan of arc(1) napoleon(2)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Napoleon's iPod: The Origin

Views: 336/7717
Added: 03/07/2009

In 2001 Apple Computer Corporation released the iPod. Sources say that the design was based on an archaeological find from a dig in Russia near the location of the Battle of Borodino. Rumors were that it was a relic of an alien civilization that was manipulating Napoleon through an implant near his ear. They were confused by the label attached to it's battery compartment that said "Property of George, Neal keep your hands off!". Apple's first iPod was a nearly identical copy of the relic.

Tags: 2001(8) aliens(5) ancient wonders(9) inventions(49) ipod(2) napoleon(2) origin(24) people of history(33)
Names Mentioned: apple computer corporation(3) ipod(2) napoleon(2) russia(1)
Entry Logged By: George

 
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Darwin Loves Us!

Views: 393/6753
Added: 03/13/2009

In 10,000 BCE, Neal and George invented the opposable thumb. In secret documents, Darwin acknowledged this fact, and renounced his natural selection theory. Confusingly, the Vatican has suppressed this information for generations.

 

Darwin Loves Us! - He couldn't have been that mad; he gave us a signed copy!

He couldn't have been that mad; he gave us a signed copy!

Photo by: Neal

Tags: .10000 bce(1) ancient wonders(9) body parts(14) christian(8) evolution(5) inventions(49) people of history(33) prehistoric(6)
Names Mentioned: charles darwin(2) vatican(3)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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Calendar Confusion

Views: 320/6897
Added: 03/16/2009

In 46 BCE George and Neal suggested a new calendar to Julius Caesar. Caesar adopted most of the rules we specified, but not all of them. In 1582 George and Neal again proposed their new, more accurate calendar system, which was officially adopted by Pope Gregory XIII in October of that year. The ensuing confusion lasted for nearly 350 years (and will actually reassert itself again in the year 2800 thanks to the Revised Julian calendar). As confusion regarding the calendar wore off George and Neal decided to shake things up again in the early 1900s with their invention of Daylight Savings Time. We had nothing to do with George W. Bush's addition to the confusion. That was his own doing.

Tags: .46 bce(1) 1582(1) 1900s(1) 2800(1) calendars(4) george w. bush(5) historic events(18) inventions(49) people of history(33)
Names Mentioned: george w. bush(4) julius caesar(1) pope gregory xiii(1)
Entry Logged By: George

 
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Oh God I Shot Momma

Views: 1110/6510
Added: 03/18/2009

In 1949, George starred in the off-Broadway (well, off-off Broadway) play "Oh God I Shot Momma" as the corpse. On a completely different note, that same year Neal was beaten by Albert Einstein at both chess and wrestling - at the same time. That guy was wicked tough.

 

Oh God I Shot Momma - This was one dude you didn't want to mess with. He'd pin you so fast that you'd age a little bit more than him.

This was one dude you didn't want to mess with. He'd pin you so fast that you'd age a little bit more than him.

Photo by: George

Tags: 1949(2) einstein(3) games(15) people of history(33) sports(24) theater(8)
Names Mentioned: albert einstein(4) Broadway(3)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: George (1)

 
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George Spores

Views: 402/7417
Added: 03/25/2009

In September 1928, Neal and George decided to attempt to clone themselves so that future generations could benefit from their awesomeness. Neal believed he was on to something when he created "George Spores", which grew from George's feet. In reality, this was just Athlete's Foot, obtained by George while showering at the dorms at U of I. However, on the plus side, when Neal threw out his "George Spores" in Alexander Fleming's laboratory, it resulted in Fleming's discovery of Penicillin. So, millions of lives were once again saved by George's stinky feet.

 

George Spores - George Spores... Who knew they would be so beneficial. They are rather good looking though.

George Spores... Who knew they would be so beneficial. They are rather good looking though.

Photo by: George

Tags: 1928(1) diseases(9) george funk(11) historic events(18) Inspirations(19) people of history(33) science(28)
Names Mentioned: alexander flemming(1) university of illinois(5)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: George (1)

 
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It's Convenient: The Origin

Views: 589/8719
Added: 03/26/2009

In 711 AD on July 11th at 7:11pm George and Neal invented the convenience store. Then, in 1927 some guy named Joe Thompson completely ripped off our idea and is widely credited with inventing the convenience store. I guess it's our own fault though. We abandoned our stores in 718 AD leaving them in the care of the Saxons. How were we to know that Charlemagne would crush them nearly 100 years later? Oh yeah, never mind. Our bad. Anyway, Charlemagne ran the stores for a decade before dying and passing ownership on to his son Louis, who ran the stores into bankruptcy in just a few short decades.

Tags: 1927(3) 711(1) 718(1) business ventures(46) historic events(18) inventions(49) origin(24) people of history(33) they stole our ideas(7)
Names Mentioned: 7-eleven(1) charlemagne(1) joe thompson(1)
Entry Logged By: George

 
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Viking/English Hostility

Views: 337/5951
Added: 03/26/2009

On June 8, 793 AD George and Neal orchestrated the first Viking attack on England; the raid on the monastery of Lindisfarne in Northumbria. This was the beginning the Viking Age and nearly 300 years of Viking/English hostility until George and Neal helped the English win the Battle of Stamford Bridge in September of 1066. However we then helped Duke William of Normandy defeat King Harold II in the Battle of Hastings in October and become King William I of England.

Tags: 1066(1) 793(1) britain(9) historic events(18) people of history(33) vikings(2) wars(4)
Names Mentioned: britain(8) duke william of normandy(1) king harold ii(1) king william i(1) northumbria(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Hollow Earth

Views: 549/6869
Added: 03/27/2009

On and off for 35,000 years George and Neal worked on hollowing out the Earth. The dirt we hauled out was used to make the moon. The interior of the Earth is inhabited by numerous prehistoric creatures, fantastic races of humans, and even creatures that the rest of the world believes to be mythical (unicorns, giants, C.H.U.D.s, cyclops, Paris Hilton, minotaurs, dragons, and smurfs are just a few). Our hollowed out Earth has inspired numerous stories (Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth, Edgar Allan Poe's The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket, Scrooge McDuck's Land Beneath the Ground!, and Frank C. Baxter's The Mole People to name a few) as well as pseudo-scientific cults like The Thule Society and the Steven Currey Expeditions who believe this is a natural phenomenon. It has also given rise to the theory that the moon is also hollow, which is just absurd.

Tags: conspiracy theories(7) moon(2) mythological critters(7) organizations(15) people of history(33) publications(14) save the aminals(7)
Names Mentioned: arthur gordon pym(1) edgar allan poe(1) frank c. baxter(1) jules verne(1) nantucket(1) paris hilton(1) scrooge mcduck(1) steven currey(1)
Entry Logged By: George

 
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Rudolph: The Origin

Views: 287/6821
Added: 04/12/2009

In 2009, Neal suffered such a massive case of writer's block that his brain literally tried to leave his body by jumping out of his nose. This escape attempt did not work, as Neal's brain got stuck somewhere in his nasal cavity, causing Neal's nose to swell up like a big red balloon. Ever the helpful friend, George took Neal back in time (circa 1938) to a special doctor that he heard could help - Dr. Robert L. May. Unfortunately, Dr. May had been down on his luck financially, and after assisting Neal, the good doctor decided to profit from the situation by writing the story, "Neal, the Red Nosed Ignoramus". Later drafts altered the story such that Neal was a Reindeer named Rudolph. The remainder of the story continued to be a surprisingly accurate account of what happened to Neal that year.

Tags: 1938(1) 2009(21) body parts(14) holidays(8) inspirations(19) origin(24) people of history(33)
Names Mentioned: robert l. may(1) rudolph the red-nosed reindeer(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch Gang

Views: 608/8551
Added: 04/24/2009

For a few years near the end of the 19th century George and Neal organized several bands of outlaws and robbed banks and trains in the old west. We were actually the masterminds behind Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch Gang's Union Pacific train holdup at Wilcox, Wyoming in 1899 and also the James-Younger gang's Kansas Pacific Railroad holdup near Muncie, Kansas, in 1874. They also helped the Newton Boys with their infamous postal train heist in Rondout, Illinois in 1924. George went by the name of "The Whitewash Kid" and Neal took the pseudonym "Kneal S. Iman", yeah real original.

 

Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch Gang - Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch circa 1901. Front row left to right: Harry A. Longabaugh, alias the Sundance Kid, Ben Kilpatrick, alias the Tall Texan, Robert Leroy Parker, alias Butch Cassidy; Standing: Will Carver; George Jaros alias the Whitewash Kid; Harvey Logan, alias Kid Curry; Neal Simon, alias Kneal S. Iman.

Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch circa 1901. Front row left to right: Harry A. Longabaugh, alias the Sundance Kid, Ben Kilpatrick, alias the Tall Texan, Robert Leroy Parker, alias Butch Cassidy; Standing: Will Carver; George Jaros alias the Whitewash Kid; Harvey Logan, alias Kid Curry; Neal Simon, alias Kneal S. Iman.

Photo by: George

Tags: 1874(1) 1899(1) 1901(1) 1924(1) crimes & scams(16) historic events(18) nicknames(14) people of history(33)
Names Mentioned: ben kilpatrick (the tall texan)(1) butch cassidy's wild bunch gang(1) harry a. longabaugh (the sundance kid)(1) harvey logan (kid curry)(1) illinois(3) james-younger gang(1) kansas(1) muncie kansas(1) newton boys(1) robert leroy parker (butch cassidy)(1) roundout illinois(1) union pacific(1) wilcox wyoming(1) will carver(1) wyoming(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)

 
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Arctic Camping

Views: 250/4228
Added: 05/08/2009

From October 1907 to May 1909 George and Neal camped out at the North Pole. We're not sure why exactly since it was very cold, there wasn't much to eat, and the wi-fi reception was awful. We did enjoy the visit in April 1908 from Dr. Fredrick Cook though. We were supposed to have a visit in 1909 from Robert Peary, but he never showed up.

Tags: 1907(2) 1908(2) people of history(33)
Names Mentioned: arctic(1) dr. fredrick cook(1) north pole(1) robert peary(1)
Entry Logged By: George

 
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Monuments to Greatness

Views: 603/5360
Added: 05/11/2009

Gutzon Borglum originally had six faces carved on Mount Rushmore. The busts of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, and Abe Lincoln were flanked by Neal Simon (next to Washington) and George Jaros (next to Lincoln) to honor us for our countless contributions to human civilization. However, a freak thunderstorm in 1968 caused the faces of George and Neal to fall off the monument.

 

Monuments to Greatness - The original Mount Rushmore.

The original Mount Rushmore.

Photo by: George

A new monument nearby has been in the works for quite a while. Its developmental codename is the "Crazy Horse Memorial", but will most likely be released with a final name of "Jar-mon Mountain" or something similar.

 

Jar-mon Mountain - The in-progress Crazy Horse Monument and a model of what the finished sculpture will look like.

The in-progress Crazy Horse Monument and a model of what the finished sculpture will look like.

Photo by: George

Tags: 1968(4) art is art(10) awards and recognition(12) people of history(33)
Names Mentioned: abraham lincoln(2) crazy horse memorial(1) george washington(3) gutzon borglum(1) mount rushmore(1) teddy roosevelt(1) thomas jefferson(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (2)

 
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Fingers of Doom!: the Helen Keller Story

Views: 667/9065
Added: 05/16/2009

In 1982, Neal and George wrote, produced, and starred in the off-Broadway musical, "Fingers of Doom!: the Helen Keller Story." The play, which had an all-ninja cast, was a rousing success. The musical ended up winning two Tony's and garnered such praise as:

"The whimsical comedy is packed with clever ideas and has an engaging cast to bring these cartoonish figures to life..." - San Diego Times

"...as cerebral as it is emotional." - D. Braunagel

"Hits you like a sledgehammer with its astounding, stunningly creepy presentation... Two Thumbs Up!" - R. Ebert

The Helen Keller musical was later adapted as a video game, originally titled "Helen Keller Will Destroy You!" but was subsequently retitled "Mortal Kombat." The video game was also successful, though it lacked the political subtext of the play, as well as the original final boss Helen "The Killer" Keller.

 

Fingers of Doom!: the Helen Keller Story - It was an instant classic...

It was an instant classic...

Photo by: George

Tags: 1982(5) people of history(33) theater(8) video games(12)
Names Mentioned: broadway(3) don braunagel(1) helen keller(1) mortal kombat(1) roger ebert(1) san diego(1) tony awards(1)
Entry Logged By: George & Neal Collaboration - Photos by: George (1)

 
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Team Ghandi

Views: 345/6313
Added: 06/29/2009

In 1972, not satisfied with only two teams, Neal and George created Chicago's third major league baseball team, Team Ghandi. Unfortunately, the team never won a single game, as instead of hitting the ball, the players tried to reason with it through non-violent means. After George and Neal lost over ten million dollars on the venture, they went back in time and prevented themselves from ever investing in such a project ever again.

 

Team Ghandi - We requested "G"'s on our jerseys... but it wasn't worth the fight.

We requested "G"'s on our jerseys... but it wasn't worth the fight.

Photo by: Neal

Tags: 1972(3) chicago(10) failures(22) people of history(33) sports(24)
Names Mentioned: chicago(14) ghandi(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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The Fountain of Youth

Views: 268/6327
Added: 07/01/2009

In 1609 George and Neal discovered the Fountain of Youth in Florida, just where Ponce de Leon thought it was. We kept the fountain's location a secret, but over the years the instinctive draw to the fountain has caused Florida to become home to a vast majority of the nation's elderly. Attracting senior citizens is not a new feature of the fountain, however. In fact, the Seminole Indians were not really a separate tribe of Native Americans. They were actually just the old people from other Native American tribes. Consequently, Seminole is the origin of the English word "senile". In 1958 a retirement community called "Your Last Resort" (built by another George & Neal company called God's Waiting Room Properties, Ltd.) was built on the location of the fountain. During construction the waters of the fountain were unwittingly diverted into the sewer system. The rejuvenating power of the water still works, but is significantly less palatable to drink now.

Tags: 1609(1) 1958(1) aging(2) business ventures(46) etymology(4) people of history(33)
Names Mentioned: florida(1) ponce de leon(1) seminole indians(1)
Entry Logged By: George

 
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Duels of Toxicity

Views: 243/7367
Added: 07/02/2009

Beginning in 1777, every 4th of July, George and Neal would get together and throw a party for the most important and powerful American figures. The party would always devolve towards the end to drunken arguments as to who had the more "explosive" *ahem* bodily odors, and thereafter challenges to see who could clear a room with their explosive stenches. Contrary to popular belief, Alexander Hamilton was not killed in a gun duel, but rather (as it was known by then) by a "Duel of Toxicity™" against Vice President Burr. After the tragic death of Alexander Hamilton (then known as "Hamilgate"), reforms were called to G&N parties. Ultimately, George and Neal decided to use the much less harmful gunpowder fireworks as their explosions, and thus the Fourth of July celebration as we know it came into fruition. However, secretly, Neal and George still engage in Duels of Toxicity with their wives. Whether their wives want to participate or not, or even know a Duel is occurring (although when they do participate they win as often as not). (See also George and Neal's creation of the "SBD".)

Tags: 1777(1) george funk(11) historic events(18) neal funk(18) party(3) people of history(33) sbd(1) wives(15)
Names Mentioned: aaron burr(1) alexander hamilton(1) america(8)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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A Meme is Born - LOLcats: The Origin

Views: 300/7866
Added: 07/02/2009

In 1821 George and Neal had a very nice lunch with Charles Babbage, but at one point George brought out his laptop for a quick check of his Facebook account. Chuck was fascinated and wanted to know more. So we left him an extra computer that we had lying around so he could try to build his own. It took a while, but he eventually designed his Difference Machine, Difference Machine No. 2, and Analytical Machine but got distracted by lolcats, failblog and youtube. It took nearly 150 years before his Difference Machine was actually built. Now that's some procrastination that George and Neal haven't even been able to match yet. On a side note, in 1861 Babbage showed photographer Henry Pointer some LOLcats, Henry showed his friend Harry Whittier Frees and a meme was born...

 

A Meme is Born - LOLcats: The Origin - From 1902, one of the earliest known LOLcats...

From 1902, one of the earliest known LOLcats...

Photo by: George

Tags: 1821(1) 1902(2) cats(8) facebook(10) inspirations(19) inventions(49) origin(24) people of history(33) procrastination(5)
Names Mentioned: charles babbage(1) harry whittier frees(1) henry pointer(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)

 
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Make the Trains Run on Thyme

Views: 295/6017
Added: 09/18/2009

Mussolini got his idea to tell everyone that he made the trains run on time after George and Neal invented a train that ran on thyme (Benito simply misunderstood us, but recognized a good idea when he heard one). We also invented a car that ran on oregano, a bus that ran on dill, and an airplane that ran on coriander.

Tags: food(45) inspirations(19) inventions(49) people of history(33)
Names Mentioned: benito mussolini(1)
Entry Logged By: George

 
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Two Seamstresses, One Thimble

Views: 539/5838
Added: 11/19/2009

In 1878, Eadweard Muybridge created what was essentially the world's first "motion picture." Later that year, Neal and George created the first viral video, "Two Seamstresses, One Thimble."

Tags: 1878(1) movies(41) people of history(33) scantily clad people(15) thimbles(2) xxx(11)
Names Mentioned: eadweard muybridge(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Apples freakin' hurt.

Views: 265/6673
Added: 12/10/2009

After hearing that Isaac Newton once disparaged Neal's great-great-great-great Grandfather's honor, George and Neal went back to 1666, and chucked an apple at his head. Incidentally, this led to the discovery of gravity by the somewhat confused scientist. George took this to mean that if he threw random things at people's heads, they, too, would have equally as grand epiphanies. Soon, Neal learned that George liked to randomly and without warning throw things at his head. The only discovery Neal had that day? Apples freakin' hurt. George was entirely satisfied with that epiphany.

Tags: 1666(1) inspirations(19) ouch! that'll leave a mark(13) people of history(33) science(28)
Names Mentioned: isaac newton(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Documentaries

Views: 302/8394
Added: 12/10/2009

Throughout the years George and Neal have helped create several famous documentaries, including Gheorghe Marinescu's "The walking troubles of organic hemiplegy" and "The walking troubles of organic paraplegies"; Edward S. Curtis's "In the Land of the Head Hunters"; Robert J. Flaherty's "Nanook of the North"; William Shakespeare's "Hamlet", "A Midsummer Night's Dream", and "Macbeth"; and Michael Moore's "SiCKO"; and James Cameron's "Terminator".

Tags: celebrities(69) education(9) movies(41) people of history(33) robots(7)
Names Mentioned: edward s. curtis(1) gheorghe marinescu(1) james cameron(1) michael moore(1) robert j. flaherty(1) william shakespeare(2)
Entry Logged By: George

 
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Restraining Orders Suck

Views: 336/11013
Added: 01/29/2010

Between 2056 and 2058, George and Neal had little contact, due to a government-sought restraining order. During those years, Awesomeness!™ was outlawed; so, to eliminate as much Awesomeness!™ as possible, George and Neal were ordered to keep away from one another (except for that brief period in 2058 when they secretly invented the edible harmonica under cover of the darkest night). In 2059, Awesomeness!™ was reinstated, and George and Neal were allowed to continue their adventures. They reconnected during 2059... Well, in actual fact, for them it was 2059, but they really reconnected during 424 BCE, in Ancient Persia. At that time, George and Neal started a business selling camels to the citizens of Persia (which were used in combat because of the camels' natural ability to scare off horses in close ranges, a quality famously employed by the Achaemenid Persians when fighting Lydia... See? Education is fun!). George and Neal were known for selling camels with enhanced feet and toes, which assisted the camels during their long and sometimes treacherous travel. You can still purchase your own enhanced camel, provided you, too, have a time machine and can find George and Neal's shop, "Freaky Deaky Camels". (Not the best name for a shop, but much better than Neal's suggestion, "Hey, Look at all my Camel Toes!" and George's suggestion, "My Friend Neal Has Camel Toes".)

Tags: .424 bce(1) 2056(2) 2058(2) 2059(3) animals(17) business ventures(46) education(9) food(45) gimme a break(5) government(16) laws(10) mashups(12) music(26) people of history(33) time machine(37)
Names Mentioned: persia(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Everything is About George

Views: 291/8976
Added: 08/09/2010

After a heated debate with his wife where she stated, "Everything is not always about you, George!", George went back in time (just prior to the beginning of that conversation), and invented a ray that temporarily made it so that anything and everything that anyone talked about was all about George. Luckily, the effects wore off, but not without any consequences; there was one side effect - it turns out that prior to that moment, the name George had never existed, and the ray caused people to believe many of their important historical icons were named George. For example, George Washington was originally named "Melvin Washington"; George Takei was (coincidentally) named "Sulu Takei"; and George Jaros was originally "Bagrat Jaros".

Tags: nicknames(14) people of history(33) time machine(37) wives(15)
Names Mentioned: george takei(1) george washington(3)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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The 3 Stooges: The Origin

Views: 288/10743
Added: 08/28/2012

In 1933, Columbia's "3 Nice Regular Guys" premiered, starring Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and George Jaros. The three produced 25 eight-to-twelve minute shorts, wherein the three gentlemen treated each other with utmost respect and kindness. Much of the shorts consisted of handshakes and compliments. The reviews and ratings were horrid. This led to a severe decrease in pay. Since it was George's suggestion that Moe and Larry leave promising jobs as orthodontists to pursue acting, the latter two developed a deep and secret hatred towards an unsuspecting George. One day, the pressure was too much, and they beat him within an inch of his life. The thrashing was unknowingly filmed, and proved so hilarious (many considering George's "not in the face, not in the face!" pleas their favorite moment) and popular that repeated showings sold out. Soon re-dubbed "The 3 Stooges" with the focus on gross body injuries resulting from idiotic behavior, Columbia had a hit. George, not being used to the constant beatings that most people in the 1930's had become accustomed to, could not continue on in the show. With no hard feelings, Larry and Moe agreed to hire George's great-great-great uncle, Curly Howard Jaros. The rest, as they say, was history. Until George and Neal decide to change it again.

 

The 3 Stooges: The Origin - "The 3 Gentlemen," just moments before George's pain brought happiness to so many.

"The 3 Gentlemen," just moments before George's pain brought happiness to so many.

Photo by: Neal

Tags: 1933(1) celebrities(69) origin(24) ouch! that'll leave a mark(13) people of history(33) tv shows(49)
Names Mentioned: columbia pictures(1) curly howard(1) jerry horwitz(1) larry fine(1) louis feinberg(1) moe howard(1) moses horwitz(1) three stooges(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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George Neal

Views: 581/18851
Added: 09/24/2012

In 2029, George and Neal decided to tinker with building functional teleportation technology. Unfortunately, it had been years since either Neal or George watched the 1986 Jeff Goldblum film, The Fly, which illuminated the dangers of teleportation. When the first opportunity arose to use the teleportation device, the men fought over who could use it first. George raised the fact that whoever went first had the potential to be a Neal Armstrong-like figure. Neal raised the fact that Neal Armstrong's first name was Neal, and therefore he should go first. It was sound logic. George refused to accept it, however, and flung himself into the device. Neal did the same. The result was catastrophic (and sexy), in which Neal and George's DNA were combined, creating what at least two people believe to be the smartest man in history. This amalgamation dubbed itself "George Neal." Unfortunately, while the teleportation / recombination was occurring, knobs got fiddled accidentally (that's what she said) and George Neal was flung back into the late 1700's. Though possessing great knowledge and incredible oration skills, George Neal had none of the memories of George or Neal. George Neal believed himself to be the son of a Scottish Highlander who set up permanent residence in South Carolina. For reasons unknown, George Neal chose to stay loyal to the British during the War of Independence. George Neal distinguished himself during the war, even being promoted to Major. He later became an explorer, exploring the north shore of Lake Erie by boat. Ultimately, after leaving America, Major Neal became Canada's first saddlebag preacher for the Methodist church.

 

George Neal - Voted sexiest man alive, 1821.

Voted sexiest man alive, 1821.

Photo by: Neal

Major Neal married, had a daughter Esther, and purchased 200 acres in the Port Rowan Long Point area at Cope's Landing, Ontario. On February 27, 1840, while his granddaughter was reading scripture to him, Major George Neal was hit on the head with an errant pineapple. How the pineapple found its way to Canada remains a mystery. In any event, the noggin clockin' caused the amnesia to disappear and both George and Neal's memories overwhelmed Major Neal.

Missing his/their respective families (and vowing he/they would never tell them about his/their wife, children, grandchildren, and Canadian property ownership), Major Neal faked his/their death the very next day. It was easy back then. He/they just said, "I'm dying" closed his eyes, and held his/their breath. When no one was looking, he/they built a rudimentary time machine out of twigs, berries, and of course, rocks and put it in his/their pocket. After his/their burial, he/they activated the time machine, traveling back to 2029. He/they reverse-engineered their DNA joining (did I mention, ewww?), thereby finally separating George and Neal. There were little long-term physical ramifications, other than Neal smelling like George (egg drop soup) and George smelling like neal (feet, soaked in egg drop soup). Like everything else in this chronology, the events were entirely true. As proof, one need only to visit the Neal Memorial Methodist Church in Port Rowan, Ontario (which was established in September 1912 by George Neal's grandson, Rev. George Neal Hazen, and which still remains to honor "Canada's First Saddlebag Preacher"). One could also read more about these events at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Neal.

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Names Mentioned: britain(8) canada(4) george neal(1) jeff goldblum(1) lake erie(1) neil armstrong(1) ontario(1) rev. george neal hazen(1) scotland(3) south carolina(1) the fly(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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Skullets Rock!

Views: 617/19578
Added: 11/21/2013

In 1983 George convinced Patrick Stewart that it was time to change his hairstyle and shave his afro. Neal suggested a mohawk instead, which Patrick tried, but after a few months Patrick decided the mowhawk wasn't an edgy enough hair and it was time to go for a classically timeless skullet. He wore the skullet to great success as Gurney Halleck in 1984's Dune, however in 1987 Neal tried to talk Patrick into turning the skullet into Bozo hair, but he wisely refused and instead decided to go for the full cue ball effect. The glabrescent style became part of his trademark look and helped him land the iconic role of Captain Jean Luc Picard after Robert H. Justman, producer for a revival of a long-cancelled television show, saw Patrick while attending a literary reading at UCLA. The rest is, as they say, "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot."

 

Skullets Rock! - 'The Prime Directive is not just a set of rules; it is a philosophy ... and a very correct one. History has proven again and again that whenever mankind interferes with a less developed civilization, no matter how well intentioned that interference may be, the results are invariably disastrous, but not as disastrous as this hair cut.' - Jean Luc Picard'Messing with less developed civilizations is fun!' - George and Neal

'The Prime Directive is not just a set of rules; it is a philosophy ... and a very correct one. History has proven again and again that whenever mankind interferes with a less developed civilization, no matter how well intentioned that interference may be, the results are invariably disastrous, but not as disastrous as this hair cut.' - Jean Luc Picard

'Messing with less developed civilizations is fun!' - George and Neal

Photo by: George

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Names Mentioned: dune(1) frank herbert(1) gurney halleck(1) jean luc picard(1) patrick stewart(1) robert h. justman(1) star trek(2) ucla(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)

 
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Yes, they really said that.

Views: 409/16015
Added: 11/30/2013

In 2024 George and Neal published a collection of lesser known quotes by famous people. They compiled this collection of quotes by painstakingly travelling back in time and stalking people until they said something profound (or not so much as the case may be). The book was a best seller... for them, which means it really didn't sell well at all. Here's a sampling of a few of the more than 300 insights they collected:

 

Yes, they really said that. - Volume 1 had over 1000 pages.  Volume 2 had 1200 pages.  Volume 3 had nearly 1500 pages.  Unfortunately 3400 of the 3700 pages were blank.

Volume 1 had over 1000 pages. Volume 2 had 1200 pages. Volume 3 had nearly 1500 pages. Unfortunately 3400 of the 3700 pages were blank.

Photo by: George

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Names Mentioned: abraham lincoln(2) alan alda(1) albert einstein(4) bette midler(5) bob dylan(1) camille paglia(1) carl sagan(1) cleopatra(2) colonel sanders(1) dom deluise(1) gandhi(1) george a. custer(1) j. s. bach(1) joan of ard(1) napoleon bonaparte(1) ozzy osborne(1) queen elizabeth ii(1) salvador dali(1) steven king(1) william wallace(1) wolfgang amadeus mozart(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)

 
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Lava Lamps: The Origin

Views: 493/10866
Added: 04/11/2014

In 1960 Neal invented the precursor to the lava lamp, affectionately called the 'Squeegee Glow Blob Light'. However in 1963 British accountant Edward Craven-Walker stole Neal's idea. Craven-Walker's variation was much more successful and in 1968 he was awarded a patent for his design, something denied Neal because Craven-Walker's lamps used a combination of mineral oil, paraffin wax, and carbon tetrachloride instead of Neal's disturbingly un-hygenic formula of sebum, ear wax, and pus. Someday we'll tell you about how George had the original idea for the Squirmle Magic Pet Worm, but we'll let you recover from the lava lamp thing first.

 

Lava Lamps: The Origin - It was best to not heat the Squeegee Glow Blob Light up too much.  They had a tendency to explode.  And there's nothing worse than flying shards of glass and Neal's sebum spraying all over the place.  (Also, we're not quite sure what Neal left in the bottom of this particular Squeegee Glow Blob Light, but it appears to be circumcised...)

It was best to not heat the Squeegee Glow Blob Light up too much. They had a tendency to explode. And there's nothing worse than flying shards of glass and Neal's sebum spraying all over the place. (Also, we're not quite sure what Neal left in the bottom of this particular Squeegee Glow Blob Light, but it appears to be circumcised...)

Photo by: George

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Names Mentioned: Edward Craven-Walker(1) lava lamp(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)

 
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When fate hands us a lemon let's try to make a lemonade: The Origin

Views: 778/16260
Added: 04/11/2014

In 1906 George accidentally originated the popular phrase "When fate hands you lemons, make lemonade." This phrase was later published in Volume 26, Issue 5 of Men's Wear magazine in January 1909 before Elbert Hubbard used in in Reader's Digest in October 1927 and Dale Carnegie made it famous when he published it as: "When fate hands us a lemon let's try to make a lemonade." Rule #6, at the end of Chapter 17 in Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" published in 1948. George is very proud of the success of this phrase, despite the fact that is has been misquoted right from the beginning. What George actually said was "When fate gives you lemurs, you should try to make lemurade." Neal also tried to capitalize on George's phrase, but it turns out that people really don't like the whole idea of lemurade.

 

When fate hands us a lemon let's try to make a lemonade: The Origin - We're really not sure why Neal's idea didn't catch on.  At least the lemurs really like the blend of raspberries, strawberries, dragon fruit, blood orange, pomegranate, beets, red cabbage, rhubarb, currants, cherries, cranberries, cherry tomatoes, and rambuten.

We're really not sure why Neal's idea didn't catch on. At least the lemurs really like the blend of raspberries, strawberries, dragon fruit, blood orange, pomegranate, beets, red cabbage, rhubarb, currants, cherries, cranberries, cherry tomatoes, and rambuten.

Photo by: George

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Names Mentioned: dale carnegie(2) elbert hubbard(1) how to stop worrying and start living(1) men's wear magazine(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)

 
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Who's the Bossasaur?

Views: 594/13696
Added: 04/12/2014

In 1904, just one year after Elmer Riggs published his paper stating that Apatosaurus and Brontosaurus were the same creature, George and Neal discovered the skeleton of a brand new sauropod during an archeological dig in Turkey Creek Canyon near Morrison, Colorado. While significantly smaller than Apatosaurus, George and Neal's discovery was interesting in the fact that it appeared to be bipedal and was discovered alongside what appeared to be a petrified outfit, consisting of a vest, gloves, and even a ray gun. To add to people's confusion they decided to name their new discovery "Brontosaurus II", or, more affectionately, Bronto Thunder. Over the next few years they discovered a wide range of heavily armed, bipedal dinosaur fossils. These discoveries were largely ignored (and openly ridiculed) by the scientific community, even though George and Neal used their time machine to travel back to 78,000,543 BCE to learn more about these fascinating creatures, bring them back to the present day, and join them on all sorts of wacky adventures. Finally, in 1987 The Coca-Cola Company took notice of George and Neal's publications in Paleontology Today, and decided to animate the adventures. Dinosaucers aired for one season in 1987 and 1988, adding to The Coca-Cola Company's list of '80s achievements, which also included New Coke (aka Coke II), Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, and Coca-Cola Telecommunications.

 

Who's the Bossasaur? - Coca-Cola Communications insisted on including Clem (on the left) in the animated series.  George and Neal responded with "Who?"

Coca-Cola Communications insisted on including Clem (on the left) in the animated series. George and Neal responded with "Who?"

Photo by: George

Tags: 1904(1) 1980s(7) 1987(7) 1988(6) 78000543 bce(1) dinosaurs(2) people of history(33) time machine(37) tv shows(49)
Names Mentioned: Apatosaurus(1) brontosaurus(1) cherry coke(1) coca-cola company(1) coca-cola telecommunications(1) coke ii(1) diet coke(1) dinosaucers(1) elmer riggs(1) new coke(2)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)

 
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There is No Zero!

Views: 314/11355
Added: 09/21/2016

In 1966 George and Neal decided to visit the year 0, but the adventures they had in year 0 were so debaucherous that all reference to the year has been stricken from historical records.

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Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)



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