The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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In 1902 George and Neal developed a revolutionary diet program. The program slowly grew and evolved until the 1950s and 1960s when it suddenly took off and became an incredible success. We marketed it as a system where you could eat delicious foods and get into great shape at the same time. The program was advertised extensively under a variety of names and titles and we are happy to report that today the Neal and George Diet Program is the most successful program in the country. Nearly everyone in America participates in the program and there are millions of branches across the country. The success of our program is even global with various franchises in just about every country in the world. In economically developed countries it is possible to even see our program in action in 10 or 12 locations simultaneously. Our program has evolved and developed into varieties that fit just about every lifestyle and situation. In fact, we're willing to be that you've participated in our program at least once in the last month, possibly even today. The program goes by several names, but the most common name used in popular culture is the Fast Food program. What? We never specified what shape you'd be in. Round is a shape! And we happen to think it's a great shape.

 

In 1954 George and Neal patented a "Made in China" sticker that could be added to products that were made in China. Today production of our stickers has skyrocketed and we have expanded our product line to include "Made in Taiwan", "Made in Korea", "Made in Mexico", "Made in Honduras", and many other "Made in ..." stickers. We also produce stamps, tags, and labels. We are very proud of our business since all of our stickers and other items are 100% American Made and our factories employ 750,000 Americans and only 150,000 illegal immigrants. And our business is one of the few that keeps growing as more and more American manufacturing jobs are shipped overseas. We are happy to be doing our part to keep American jobs at home.

 

In 2014 the United States was overrun by a large number of giant squirrels. Apparently our neighbor, Sciuridaetopia had been conducting top secret genetic experiments when something went terribly wrong and the test subjects escaped, rampaging across Sciuridaetopia's main science campus in the capital city of Skiouros before fleeing into neighboring US territory. George and Neal lead a team of S.N.I.C.K.E.R.S. as well as members of various elite US military outfits to hunt down all of the gigantic squirrels. Thanks to George and Neal's heroic efforts all twelve escaped subjects were killed or captured. Sciuridaetopia has agreed to suspend their Ratufa Maximus program and is now focusing their scientific talents toward figuring out social issues they face, like how to get into a bird feeder atop a flag pole.

 

Beginning in 1777, every 4th of July, George and Neal would get together and throw a party for the most important and powerful American figures. The party would always devolve towards the end to drunken arguments as to who had the more "explosive" *ahem* bodily odors, and thereafter challenges to see who could clear a room with their explosive stenches. Contrary to popular belief, Alexander Hamilton was not killed in a gun duel, but rather (as it was known by then) by a "Duel of Toxicity™" against Vice President Burr. After the tragic death of Alexander Hamilton (then known as "Hamilgate"), reforms were called to G&N parties. Ultimately, George and Neal decided to use the much less harmful gunpowder fireworks as their explosions, and thus the Fourth of July celebration as we know it came into fruition. However, secretly, Neal and George still engage in Duels of Toxicity with their wives. Whether their wives want to participate or not, or even know a Duel is occurring (although when they do participate they win as often as not). (See also George and Neal's creation of the "SBD".)

 

Unable to persuade America to convert to the Metric system, in 2087 George and Neal successfully convinced America to abandon their current measuring system in favor of the "Jarmonorgeal" system. Unfortunately, the Jarmonorgeal system did not alleviate mathematical confusion but rather enhanced it considerably. For example, 10 meters were equal to 3 Georges, whereas 20 meters equaled 4.25 Georges, or a "Neal and a Half". You could go from Maine to Louisiana in just 16 Mikes; but 10 Mikes equaled one Adin, and confusingly Earth was only 2 Adin's distance in circumference (although it should be noted that "circumference" was now arbitrarily renamed "Earth's Beer Gut" - which in itself makes no sense). Realizing their (one and only) error, George and Neal decided to travel to Washington D.C. to repeal the law which adopted the Jarmonorgeal measuring system.... except they never made it, as due to a measuring error they accidentally overshot D.C. by a George and three quarters, which meant they ended in Thailand somehow. (Why this measuring system continued to use halves and quarters continued to be a mystery...)

 

In 2018 George and Neal were invited to appear before the entire US Government to talk about their accomplishments. The talk started out normal enough, but about 10 minutes into it we had actually hypnotized the entire House and Senate, as well as the President, Vice President, the president's Cabinet, Joint Chiefs of Staff, as well as numerous aides, interns, the press, secret service, foreign dignitaries, and several bystanders. During this short time we made them pass all sorts of humorous laws. For example, Title 214, Section 1212 of the Code of Federal Regulations says it is illegal to eat spaghetti longer than 26 1/2 inches in length on days that start with T, unless the weather is partially cloudy with at least a 30% chance of precipitation, in which case if spaghetti is eaten it must be at least 26 1/2 inches in length and must be slurped, not twisted on a fork. We also had everyone pose for a group photo.

 

In 2010, as part of President Obama's Education Recovery Effort, George & Neal's list of accomplishments became mandatory curriculum from 4th grade up. Students are required to pass annual standardized tests in four categories: Historical Events, Businesses and Celebrities, Inventions, and Other Crap. 4th through 6th grade tests each consist of 200 multiple choice questions, 7th and 8th grade is a combination of 250 multiple choice and short answer questions, and high school also includes an essay section. Also all US Citizens are required to complete a 150 question multiple choice test once every four years. Failure to pass the test could result in suspension of your US Citizenship and up to 10 years of living in Britain. So you better start studying now!

 

In 2003, becoming increasingly paranoid that officials at the Pentagon were conspiring against him, George W. Bush asked that George and Neal create the Hexagon, a secret governmental branch whose sole purpose was only to monitor the Pentagon. Later, G.W. became paranoid that those at the Hexagon were also against his interests. G.W. then asked George and Neal to create the Octagon, to monitor the Hexagon. This pattern repeated itself for some time. After the commission of the Dodecahedron, funding problems became so evident that the program was scrapped. After leaving the economy in disrepair, G.W. was confident that the government no longer had the money to be of any threat to him, and happily left office to pursue his passion (engaging in heated "Connect the Dot" competitions).

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