The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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George and Neal went on a vacation/bender in 1776 (again with the time machine). Luckily, though wackiness ensued, nothing was altered in our time-line, except that now the Declaration of Independence says, "We the Bad-Ass Americans", and where the signatures are, George drew a picture of a scantily clad woman, giving new meaning to the phrase "Give me your John Hancock". Though, in those times, a scantily clad woman meant drawing a woman wearing more clothes than the typical 2009 woman would wear, so it was all good. Also, ducks were outlawed, for some reason.

 

A 1934 proposed amendment to the Constitution would have prevented George and Neal from having anything to do with interfering in global events again. Luckily George and Neal were able to organize a filibuster and then ear mark the bill with enough junk that no one wanted approved that the proposed amendment was eventually abandoned. Lucky us.

 

In 1758 George and Neal invented tooth paste. Their first attempt was made from actual ground up teeth and was used to hold in dentures, but eventually they came up with a recipe for a tooth whitening and cleaning paste. In 1794 George and Neal invented the tooth brush to make applying the paste easier. We originally called it the "Ultra-Mega Teeth Brushing and Cleaning System", but Congress shortened that to "Tooth Brush", considering that most people by that time only had one or two teeth. Unfortunately, due to several obscure laws, the dental hygiene products are still unable to be sold or even used in Britain and Indiana.

 

Through a series of mishaps and mistaken identities, for a three-day period in 1943 George and Neal assumed the position of President and Vice President of the United States. Before the mistake was corrected, George and Neal passed a series of laws that, in 1943, made little sense and were ignored. In 2008, Neal and George were paid a check for multiple millions of dollars as a result of the 1943 "Human Fund" Act. Also, January 31st was proclaimed a national holiday ("Neal Simon Kickass Day") as was April 4 ("Smell Like George Day").

 

Unable to persuade America to convert to the Metric system, in 2087 George and Neal successfully convinced America to abandon their current measuring system in favor of the "Jarmonorgeal" system. Unfortunately, the Jarmonorgeal system did not alleviate mathematical confusion but rather enhanced it considerably. For example, 10 meters were equal to 3 Georges, whereas 20 meters equaled 4.25 Georges, or a "Neal and a Half". You could go from Maine to Louisiana in just 16 Mikes; but 10 Mikes equaled one Adin, and confusingly Earth was only 2 Adin's distance in circumference (although it should be noted that "circumference" was now arbitrarily renamed "Earth's Beer Gut" - which in itself makes no sense). Realizing their (one and only) error, George and Neal decided to travel to Washington D.C. to repeal the law which adopted the Jarmonorgeal measuring system.... except they never made it, as due to a measuring error they accidentally overshot D.C. by a George and three quarters, which meant they ended in Thailand somehow. (Why this measuring system continued to use halves and quarters continued to be a mystery...)

 

In 2018 George and Neal were invited to appear before the entire US Government to talk about their accomplishments. The talk started out normal enough, but about 10 minutes into it we had actually hypnotized the entire House and Senate, as well as the President, Vice President, the president's Cabinet, Joint Chiefs of Staff, as well as numerous aides, interns, the press, secret service, foreign dignitaries, and several bystanders. During this short time we made them pass all sorts of humorous laws. For example, Title 214, Section 1212 of the Code of Federal Regulations says it is illegal to eat spaghetti longer than 26 1/2 inches in length on days that start with T, unless the weather is partially cloudy with at least a 30% chance of precipitation, in which case if spaghetti is eaten it must be at least 26 1/2 inches in length and must be slurped, not twisted on a fork. We also had everyone pose for a group photo.

 

In 2010, as part of President Obama's Education Recovery Effort, George & Neal's list of accomplishments became mandatory curriculum from 4th grade up. Students are required to pass annual standardized tests in four categories: Historical Events, Businesses and Celebrities, Inventions, and Other Crap. 4th through 6th grade tests each consist of 200 multiple choice questions, 7th and 8th grade is a combination of 250 multiple choice and short answer questions, and high school also includes an essay section. Also all US Citizens are required to complete a 150 question multiple choice test once every four years. Failure to pass the test could result in suspension of your US Citizenship and up to 10 years of living in Britain. So you better start studying now!

 

Between 2056 and 2058, George and Neal had little contact, due to a government-sought restraining order. During those years, Awesomeness!™ was outlawed; so, to eliminate as much Awesomeness!™ as possible, George and Neal were ordered to keep away from one another (except for that brief period in 2058 when they secretly invented the edible harmonica under cover of the darkest night). In 2059, Awesomeness!™ was reinstated, and George and Neal were allowed to continue their adventures. They reconnected during 2059... Well, in actual fact, for them it was 2059, but they really reconnected during 424 BCE, in Ancient Persia. At that time, George and Neal started a business selling camels to the citizens of Persia (which were used in combat because of the camels' natural ability to scare off horses in close ranges, a quality famously employed by the Achaemenid Persians when fighting Lydia... See? Education is fun!). George and Neal were known for selling camels with enhanced feet and toes, which assisted the camels during their long and sometimes treacherous travel. You can still purchase your own enhanced camel, provided you, too, have a time machine and can find George and Neal's shop, "Freaky Deaky Camels". (Not the best name for a shop, but much better than Neal's suggestion, "Hey, Look at all my Camel Toes!" and George's suggestion, "My Friend Neal Has Camel Toes".)

 

Exhausted with the mean-spirited nature of recent presidential elections as well as the inability of presidents to follow through on campaign promises, George and Neal decided to run for president in 2016. Problems quickly arose when the two could not agree which one would run as President and which one would be relegated to the position of Vice-President. They decided to let the public decide, by using the time machine to run both a Jaros/Simon campaign AND a Simon/Jaros campaign.

It became very confusing when Neal debated George during the Presidential debate, followed by Neal debating George during the Vice-Presidential debate.

Their seemingly infallible plan to hold the highest office backfired, as exactly 49.5% of the voters cast their ballots for the Jaros/Simon combo, and exactly 49.5% of voters cast their ballots for the Simon/Jaros combo. Due to an obscure law that George and Neal unfortunately passed during their three day reign in 1943, the winner was determined by the remaining 1%, which voted as follows: 15% for Ross Perot, 10% for Harrison Ford (thinking he did a wonderful job in the Air Force One movie), 20% for Peter J. Oberweis (running on a "ice cream shall be mandated a vegetable" platform), 25% for Howard the Duck, and the remaining votes went to the winner and write-in candidate, Ralph Nader. Ironically, Nader declined the position. This explains how, for 4 years, the leader of the free world was almost a duck. (Thank goodness ducks were outlawed in 1776.) This also explains why, in 2018 ice cream was declared a vegetable.

 

In 2012 George and Neal's kids Mike, Sam, Adin, and Ayla snatched the time machine and traveled to 1948 where they were able to convince legislators to make it illegal to vacuum up any Lego blocks. Their bill was easily passed into law mostly because Lego blocks hadn't been invented yet and no one saw any harm in it. Plus it was attached to a bill about Federal Water Pollution Control Act (which also had the effect of making it illegal for Neal to bathe, at least until the Clean Air Act was passed in 1963 and new techniques and technologies like aeration, flocculation, and active carbon adsorption enabled water filtration plants to sufficiently clean Neal's bath water). When they found out about this, George and Neal traveled to 1950 and convinced legislators to pass a bill to make it illegal to leave Legos lying on the floor, especially after dark. Their bill was easily passed into law because by that time enough people had stepped on Legos in their bare feet that it was deemed necessary to ensure the safety of US citizens. As a result of these two laws, Neal, George, Mike, Sam, Adin, and Ayla spent the rest of 2012 and most of 2013 in jail for committing the crimes they fought so hard to make illegal. Julie and Clarissa enjoyed the 18 month vacation from having to take care of three kids each.

During our incarceration we found one thing that hurts more than stepping on a Lego at night in bare feet; wiping with prison toilet paper...

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