In 2032 George decided to attempt the world record for the longest time continuously chewing a piece of gum (previously listed as 417 days). He was going strong and thought he was going to break the record when his jaw cramped up on day 210. Neal, being the supportive friend that he is, decided to take over and chewed that piece of gum for another 205 days. Just two days shy of the record Neal got hit in the face with an outboard motor (don't ask) and lost all his teeth, making it very difficult to continue chewing. Not wanting to fail when so close to their goal, George again took over with the chewing (although now the gum was a bit crunchy due to the bits of Neal's teeth embedded in the gooey wad). After another 112 days of chewing George and Neal were ecstatic to think they broke the world record for the longest time for consecutively chewing a piece of gum by an amazing 110 days! It was only later that they discovered the record only counted for a single person consecutively chewing gum. However, they did earn the world record for consecutive days of being thoroughly disgusting (57,229 days and counting).
This snapshot was taken during one of the several days that we shared chewing responsibilities.
Photo by: George
In 4539 George and Neal decided to dabble in alchemy and turned themselves into golden statues. Luckily the effects were only temporary and by 5935 they were restored to their normal selves. Except for their spleens, which went on to have songs and limericks written about them, like "There once was a spleen I've been told, Around for so long it was old, This spleen could not rupture, For its atomic structure, Had been changed from carbon to gold."
George's spleen, pictured above, was pretty laid back and didn't let fame and fortune spoil its relaxed attitude.
Photo by: George
Neal's spleen, however, took the first opportunity it got to leave its happy, comfy home in Neal's abdomen...
Photo by: George
...and hit the night clubs, impressing the ladies, and neglecting its blood scrubbing duties. Lucky for Neal, the spleen is a non-vital organ (but don't tell the spleens that).
Photo by: George
###
Just a little background - This entire story was listed in the "Details on how you know each other" section of Facebook. Unfortunately the field for entering other details, while extremely long, and longer than we expected (that's what she said), wasn't quite long enough (she didn't say that). So we've expanded these into a series of notes so everyone can be accurately informed of these very truthful accounts from The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!
Just FYI, the size limit is 65535 characters. That's roughly 17.5 single spaced pages in MS Word and 11,000 words.
###
In 1907 both George and Neal independently coined the term "joystick". George had a friend named Joy Buttnum who had a nervous tic that made her twitch her hand uncontrollably. Neal on the other hand enjoyed collecting small twigs and tree branches and also loved mechanical novelties. Upon seeing the "control lever" first appear in airplanes in the early 20th century both Neal and George agreed that the device should be called a "joystick". Neal because it combined his two greatest joys, sticks and gadgets, thus "joy-stick". George, on the other hand, saw the quick wrist jerks of the operators and was reminded of his friend Joy, thus "Joy's tic".
After "Connect the Dot" the movie broke box office records, George and Neal decided to create a new game upon which to base another movie. The result? Connect One, an instant classic.
It's all about strategy.
Photo by: Neal
In 2069 George and Neal wrote a musical, called "Home to Where the Sun Rises". The smash hit spent four years on Broadway before touring the world. As of 2162 it has sold out more shows than "Cats", "Phantom", "Les Mis", "Gigli on Broadway", and "Spamalot" combined and is the longest continuously running musical in history and the only musical to still feature the original cast (thank the time machine for that). The show is an uplifting story set around the holidays and features a multitude of wonderful songs from several traditional cultural and religious backgrounds. Here are a few verses from the multiple award winning "Rising Sun Megamix" hit song from the soundtrack:
There is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God, I know I'm one
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made it out of clay
And when it's dry and ready
Then dreidel I shall play!
Oh, did we mention that the entire musical is set to the traditional folk tune, "House of the Rising Sun"? Go ahead, sing a few verses, you're guaranteed to love it, or your money back!
Oddly enough the musical didn't play in New Orleans. We were somehow distracted by Bourbon Street (Neal did manage to 'earn' quite a few beads though.)
Photo by: George
George has always had a love of science fiction. Something about the amazing stories with their roots in real science, fantasy, futurism, and history has always fascinated and inspired him. He also finds it funny how many things that the public believes to be "fiction" he knows to be "non-fiction" (or more precisely, "biography" and occasionally "autobiography").
Just one of George and Neal's many adventures that some people might think is science fiction.
Photo by: George
Neal has always had a love of tapirs. Something about their long snouts, funny ears, and poor depth perception has always fascinated and inspired him. He also finds it funny... That's it, he just finds tapirs to be pretty funny.
Isn't he just adorable! Judging by his teeth, he must not be British.
Photo by: George
In late 1979 George and Neal had the rare opportunity to combine these loves. Some young chump (also named George) was working on the sequel to an idea he "borrowed" from George and Neal. His spaghetti western and martial arts fusion movie set in space needed a bounty hunter, or more specifically the bounty hunter needed a space ship. Since he had never been to space, the other George approached George and Neal for more help. George (this George, not the other George) had an amazing idea for a stealth ship that would allow the bounty hunter to approach his targets undetected. Neal wanted a flying tapir. And thus, Boba Fett's SLAVE 1 ship was designed. Fast forward 40ish years and thanks to more movies, animated serieses, and the hit show The Mandelorian, it is now one of the most recognizable flying tapir heads in history!
George thinks it's a pretty good likeness of Tippy the Tapir. Neal thinks it's a pretty good likeness of Ron Jeremy, but Neal is wrong. Wrong on so many levels. What's wrong with you Neal?!
Photo by: George
When Neal's recipe for Lemurade failed to catch on in the early 1900s, George suggested that it may have been because Lemurade didn't contain any actual lemurs. In 1964 George developed the recipe for Gatorade. He was sure this would be a wonderful recipe since it included actual alligator excretions. Gatorade became a huge success, though it was quickly reformulated by Dr. Robert Cade and his team and may or may not still contain alligator excretions (especially the yellow one).
The hardest part was getting the gator to stay in the jugs until they were ready to dump. We really want to see the original trend with real alligators make a come-back!
Photo by: George
After the success of Gatorade, George and Neal were approached by a number of companies to come up with formulations for other sports and energy drinks, like:
In 2008, Neal convinced the makers of Dr. Pepper (which he claimed was the greatest jaguanst available, at least until the year 3041, when the superior Rottercola came out, which was far, far tastier and 1800% more likely to cause cavities.) to make a Dr. Pepper flavored barbecue sauce. In support of his favorite jaguanst, George developed a Mountain Dew flavored barbecue sauce. Both sauces sold well, but the debate over which one was better was beginning to get bloody by late 2009. So, in the interest of world peace, George and Neal halted production of the two sauces and developed the hybrid Dr. Mountain Pepper Dew BBQ Sauce. The sauce was mind-numbingly awesome, and swept the nation. In fact, people began simply drinking the barbecue sauce rather than applying it to their tasty meat (that's what she said, am I right?). Soon, companies began distributing the bbq sauce in vending machines (20 oz. for only $1.75!). Gradually, all currencies in the world were replaced by bottles of barbecue sauce, which led to a more solid global economy, ancillary causing world peace. It only lasted 14 minutes, but man, what a great 14 minutes!
When the 2020 COVID pandemic hit, it crippled many industries. In hopes of giving a little back - as well as propping up the critically important Broadway play financial sector, George wrote, produced, and acted in the pandemic-themed "Socially Distanced Guys and Dolls." Although critics called it, "confusing," and "sick, but for different reasons than the coronavirus," the play was a hit. Following in George's footsteps, Neal starred in the one-man play, "Priscilla, Queen of the Pandemic." Slightly annoying George, Neal's play was called "Even more confusing!" and was even more financially successful.
The boys went back and forth, creating one COVID-inspired (and intellectually thieving) hit after another, including: "Jesus Christ CoronaStar”; “From Here to Etern—*wheeeze* ughhhhh Imma Stay Right Here"; and “West Side COVID.”
In 2021, George finally completed his EGOT with both “Oliver! Put on Your Damn Mask!”; and “Don’t Kiss Me, Kate.”
Ironically, wearing this mask made the actor very, very sick. The rest of the cast didn't miss a beat, pretended this was part of the show, and the play went on.
Photo by: Neal
George and Neal collaborated on “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Vaccination.” It starred Martha Plimpton - for no other reason that Neal really liked the name, "Plimpton." Their foray into Broadway musicals was not entirely successful, though - George and Neal were both sued over the trauma that their odd play, “The Rocky Horror Zoom" inflicted on the first 16 rows. (Most plays do not end with the need to apply nail polish to theatergoers to remove attached objects) It didn't help their side when Neal, under oath, stated, "Tha play? Man... Though we created it, it honestly traumatized me almost as much as Meet the Feebles.
After their successes from a trio of broadway hits (“My Fair Patient”; “AntisepticSpray"; and “The Sound of Coughing”), they called it a day. Still, one can still hear George muttering under his breath from time to time, "You know... we still haven't made “Singing in the Rain 2: Why I Can’t Taste My Food”...)
In 1983 George convinced Patrick Stewart that it was time to change his hairstyle and shave his afro. Neal suggested a mohawk instead, which Patrick tried, but after a few months Patrick decided the mowhawk wasn't an edgy enough hair and it was time to go for a classically timeless skullet. He wore the skullet to great success as Gurney Halleck in 1984's Dune, however in 1987 Neal tried to talk Patrick into turning the skullet into Bozo hair, but he wisely refused and instead decided to go for the full cue ball effect. The glabrescent style became part of his trademark look and helped him land the iconic role of Captain Jean Luc Picard after Robert H. Justman, producer for a revival of a long-cancelled television show, saw Patrick while attending a literary reading at UCLA. The rest is, as they say, "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot."
'The Prime Directive is not just a set of rules; it is a philosophy ... and a very correct one. History has proven again and again that whenever mankind interferes with a less developed civilization, no matter how well intentioned that interference may be, the results are invariably disastrous, but not as disastrous as this hair cut.' - Jean Luc Picard
'Messing with less developed civilizations is fun!' - George and Neal
Photo by: George
In 2029, George and Neal decided to tinker with building functional teleportation technology. Unfortunately, it had been years since either Neal or George watched the 1986 Jeff Goldblum film, The Fly, which illuminated the dangers of teleportation. When the first opportunity arose to use the teleportation device, the men fought over who could use it first. George raised the fact that whoever went first had the potential to be a Neal Armstrong-like figure. Neal raised the fact that Neal Armstrong's first name was Neal, and therefore he should go first. It was sound logic. George refused to accept it, however, and flung himself into the device. Neal did the same. The result was catastrophic (and sexy), in which Neal and George's DNA were combined, creating what at least two people believe to be the smartest man in history. This amalgamation dubbed itself "George Neal." Unfortunately, while the teleportation / recombination was occurring, knobs got fiddled accidentally (that's what she said) and George Neal was flung back into the late 1700's. Though possessing great knowledge and incredible oration skills, George Neal had none of the memories of George or Neal. George Neal believed himself to be the son of a Scottish Highlander who set up permanent residence in South Carolina. For reasons unknown, George Neal chose to stay loyal to the British during the War of Independence. George Neal distinguished himself during the war, even being promoted to Major. He later became an explorer, exploring the north shore of Lake Erie by boat. Ultimately, after leaving America, Major Neal became Canada's first saddlebag preacher for the Methodist church.
Voted sexiest man alive, 1821.
Photo by: Neal
Major Neal married, had a daughter Esther, and purchased 200 acres in the Port Rowan Long Point area at Cope's Landing, Ontario. On February 27, 1840, while his granddaughter was reading scripture to him, Major George Neal was hit on the head with an errant pineapple. How the pineapple found its way to Canada remains a mystery. In any event, the noggin clockin' caused the amnesia to disappear and both George and Neal's memories overwhelmed Major Neal.
Missing his/their respective families (and vowing he/they would never tell them about his/their wife, children, grandchildren, and Canadian property ownership), Major Neal faked his/their death the very next day. It was easy back then. He/they just said, "I'm dying" closed his eyes, and held his/their breath. When no one was looking, he/they built a rudimentary time machine out of twigs, berries, and of course, rocks and put it in his/their pocket. After his/their burial, he/they activated the time machine, traveling back to 2029. He/they reverse-engineered their DNA joining (did I mention, ewww?), thereby finally separating George and Neal. There were little long-term physical ramifications, other than Neal smelling like George (egg drop soup) and George smelling like neal (feet, soaked in egg drop soup). Like everything else in this chronology, the events were entirely true. As proof, one need only to visit the Neal Memorial Methodist Church in Port Rowan, Ontario (which was established in September 1912 by George Neal's grandson, Rev. George Neal Hazen, and which still remains to honor "Canada's First Saddlebag Preacher"). One could also read more about these events at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Neal.
In 2015, tired of hearing all about his father's "great adventures" with George, Adin decided to put a stop to it (and have some fun in the process). At first, he went back in time to 1996, causing George to befriend him instead of Neal. The resulting time shift caused "The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!" to become "The Tremendous Story of George and Adin's Adventures Through Chronology and Cosmos (and Yogurt)!" You may remember this period (but probably don't), in which Adin and George created Bin-opoly, established Oybay, and Adin created the TV show, "The A-Word" (which fared only slightly better than Neal's show). In this timeline, Bette Midler showed little interest in George and Adin for some reason, causing most Georginealogists to believe her obsession was primarily with Neal. (Perhaps it was due to Neal's jaw-droppingly, achingly gorgeous rendition of Wind Beneath My Wings, often performed in a chicken suit, which for some reason did not detract from the performance. But I digress...)
Shortly after Adin "revised" the timeline (though shortly is relative; this timeline existed for thousands of years, looped back in on itself like a Moebius strip in 8034, and replayed itself twice more, until moments after Adin "revised" the timeline the third time), Sam, tired of hearing all about his father's "great adventures" with Adin, went back in time to 1996, causing Adin to befriend him instead of George. The resulting time shift caused "The Tremendous Story of George and Adin's Adventures Through Chronology and Cosmos (and Yogurt)!" to become "The Explosive Tale of Sam and Adin's Adventures Through The Chronosphere and Atmosphere (and Creamed Corn)!" This timeline saw such amazing events as Sam besting Martha Stewart in hand-to-hand combat, Adin and Sam ending worldwide tortoise hunger (meaning, they fed all the tortoises to hungry people), and fending off the 2054 robot invasion that Neal and George failed to prevent in previous timelines. It also saw Ayla and Mike refusing to let their siblings have all the fun. Many found "The Fantastic Account of Adin, Mike, Ayla, and Sam's Escapades Through The Eras and the Infinite (and Hollandaise Sauce)!" to be the golden age of all the timelines. [Editor's note: in this timeline, George Neal did not exist; however unlike other timelines, MASA replaced NASA in this timeline. It was not a space program but rather a cute bed and breakfast with the initials of all four children. Which they then turned into a rocket.]
Above: 804th Edition (due to constantly shifting timelines).
Photo by: Neal
Tired of caring for three children (yes, George, that includes you), Julie recruited Clarissa to go on a time traveling "ladies only" vacation. While the women were gone, George and Neal successfully fended for themselves and the kids, subsisting on a diet of ramen noodles and old fritos they found in couch cushions. Though neither George nor Neal nor the children changed their clothes during the entire time Clarissa and Julie were gone (7 days or 4,000 years depending on how you view time travel), the capable fathers made a game of it. Adin won 1st prize in "Who's That Smell?", an amateur game that George and Neal made up (which they later sold to the CNN network in 3014 - as at that time CNN ceased being a news network and reformed as a pornography / sitcom network). Meanwhile, Clarissa and Julie traveled to Ancient Greece, because Clarissa loves Greek food. Ironically, she felt that the food there didn't compare with the Greek food of 2012. Go figure. Upon their return, Julie and Clarissa refused to tell George and Neal what happened during their stay (because as we know, what happens in Ancient Greece stays in Ancient Greece). Still, Julie and Clarissa must have had some trip, as now all depictions of the Greek Gods Hera and Aphrodite look exactly like them.
This picture was the inspiration for both the 12 hour clock, and erotic cakes. I'm not really sure how that last one relates, but, eh, there you go.
Photo by: Neal
In 2012 George and Neal recorded an album of cover songs, except instead of the actual lyrics we sang the lyrics that everyone thinks the original artists were singing. Neal's rendition of Jimmi Hendrix's Purple Haze was an instant hit ('Scuse me while I kiss this guy) while George's version of CCR's Bad Moon Risin' (There's a bathroom on the right) became the theme song for Larry Craig's 2012 presidential campaign. Other songs on the album included:
- Queen's Bohemian Raphsody (Scallaboosh, Scallaboosh, will you do the banned tango... and ...The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeeeeee....)
- Led Zepplin's Stairway To Heaven (And there's a wino down the road)
- Nirvana's All Apologies (Smoking on the ashes of your Aunt Louise)
- The Sound of Music's So Long, Farewell (So long, farewell, our feet are saying good-bye)
- Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box (Hey, Wayne, I've got a new Cobain)
- Elvis's Are you Lonesome Tonight (Are you loathsome tonight? Do you mince meat....)
- The Beatles' Ticket to Ride (She's got a chicken to ride.)
- REM's The One I Love (This one goes out to the one-eyed dove.)
- Judy Garland's Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Where Tribbles smell like lemon drops)
- Madonna's Material Girl (I'm a Cheerio girl)
- Frank Sinatra's Strangers in the Night (Strangers and your wife, exchanging glances...)
- NIN's Closer (I want a duck shaped like a triangle, You give a toaster to Bob)
- Simon and Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water (Like a bridge over a tub of water)
- Glen Miller's Chattanooga Choo Choo (Pardon me boys, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?)
We're getting ready to release the second album, entitled "Shamu the Mysterious Whale: The Songs of U2".
Photo by: George
The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures through Time and Space (and Pudding)! is fully supported by... Well, nothing currently. We recently added ads (is that redundantly repetitive?) to our site in the hopes that we can earn a little bit of cash to pay to keep this site running. You see, all the piles and piles of money we make through our various business ventures, inventions, good fortune, and, ahem, other various schemes goes right back into funding for more research, travels, lawsuits, and general debauchery. So you see, there's nothing really left to keep this website going.
So, if you feel so inclined, you may graciously donate your organs, blood, or other bodily fluids to keep our website going. Or you could just send us a few bucks via PayPal, we're pretty easy like that (that's what she said). In return you'll gain the satisfaction of knowing that you are helping to educate millions and billions of individual cells (which really amounts to only a fraction of a person since it is estimated that the brain contains somewhere between 80-120 billion nerve cells (neurons), and neurons only make up about 50% of the cells in a human brain). Oh, and if you so request, we might include you in a future adventure (or maybe a past one).
Or, just click on one of the ads on our site. We'll get a few pennies, and there's no obligation for you, guaranteed or your money back!
Thanks for reading, and we hope you're not too traumatized after your visit.