The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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George and Neal are the Illuminati and the New World Order. We lead the Bilderberg Group and organize the annual Bilderberg Conference. Our headquarters are underneath the Denver International Airport. We also founded the Committee of 300, the Freemasons, Skull & Bones, The Stonecutters, and the Shriners (what can we say, we like little cars).

 

In 1973, Neal and George co-founded the DHARMA initiative (yeah, those Lost guys got the idea from us), in an effort to prevent the pending apocalypse. Also, to make peanut butter that won't stick to the roof of your mouth. Unfortunately, there are those who oppose such a peanut butter, and we have been at war with those Hostiles (or "Jiffys" as we also call them) ever since. We called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and asked them to hold off for a while. Since they too like peanut butter that doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth they agreed to wait until we have perfected our recipe. We've since stopped research on peanut butter, but don't tell the Horsemen.

 

In 1978 George and Neal received the Nobel Peace Prize for their work for the Great Organization Over Development of the Global Relief of Idiocy Effort (GOOD GRIEF). In the span of three short years they managed to provide safe, secure environments for 90% of the world's idiots where they could live and breed without affecting the rest of society. Unfortunately the organization was disbanded in 1982 without George and Neal's consent. Today idiots have infiltrated every aspect of life and work everywhere from the local Wal-Mart to the top reaches of world governments and corporations.

 

In 1937 George and Neal, while experimenting with a new potato gun in the central Pacific, accidentally shot down Amelia Earhart's airplane. They were able to rescue her from the wreckage and she ended up staying on the island with them for quite a while. After initial reservations, she finally gave in to Neal's romantic advances. Unsatisfied, she gave up on Neal and tried to seduce George. It was at this point that George and Neal decided to ask Amelia to join their super secret society of vanished celebrities. To date the super secret society consists of Amelia Earhart, Andy Kaufman, Elvis, Tupac Shakur, Notorious B.I.G., Stephen Foster, Hitler, Jimmy Hoffa, Bono, Sonny Bono, the original Cher, Kurt Cobain, Al Capone, Jim Morrison, Benjamin Franklin, Nikola Tesla, Jake the Snake Roberts, Atilla the Hun, Ludwig von Beethoven, Beavis & Butthead, Cleopatra, Shelley Long, Bronson Pinchot, William Hung, Jaleel White, Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, James Dean, Glen Miller, Marcus Schrenker, and the Fraggles. The plan is to bring everyone back in 2064 for a Vanished Celebrity Vaudeville Variety Hour world tour. Amelia will be doing her amazing basketball spinning trick.

 

Area 51 - There is no such thing. I repeat, there is no such thing as Area 51. Area 51¾, however has been kept such a great secret by George and Neal that even the US government hasn't heard of it.

 

On and off for 35,000 years George and Neal worked on hollowing out the Earth. The dirt we hauled out was used to make the moon. The interior of the Earth is inhabited by numerous prehistoric creatures, fantastic races of humans, and even creatures that the rest of the world believes to be mythical (unicorns, giants, C.H.U.D.s, cyclops, Paris Hilton, minotaurs, dragons, and smurfs are just a few). Our hollowed out Earth has inspired numerous stories (Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth, Edgar Allan Poe's The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket, Scrooge McDuck's Land Beneath the Ground!, and Frank C. Baxter's The Mole People to name a few) as well as pseudo-scientific cults like The Thule Society and the Steven Currey Expeditions who believe this is a natural phenomenon. It has also given rise to the theory that the moon is also hollow, which is just absurd.

 

In an effort to find a way to accurately predict the weather, Neal and George devised a weather-prediction machine, which was comprised of a series of pulleys and levers connected to highly explosive nitroglycerin. This invention did nothing - except result in Neal and George both losing their eyebrows for a month. The invention was considered a failure by most of George and Neal's fans (who collectively form the fanclub Neo-Geo, not to be confused with the failed 1990s gaming system of the same name). It is considered a failure both as a result of the inventors' lack of foresight, as well as the fact that as of 2005 (when they did their experiment), accurate weather forecasting had existed for hundreds of years.

 

In 1991, Neal organized a protest against brutality toward unicorns called Beating Unicorns is Totally Tasteless, or B.U.T.T. Decades later, George informed Neal that the unicorns were only mythical and that Neal's protest was essentially imaginary. Neal didn't care. He just wanted an excuse not to shower. On the plus side, among Neal's 27 distinct stenches, George discovered the pheromone that attracts Bison. As a result of George's hard work and Neal's diligent avoidance of water (as well as the general public's great sacrifice for putting up with Neal's diverse odors), the American Bison is currently making a comeback. An award was presented to George. Neal's award was mailed to him.

 

In 1956 George and Neal founded a super-duper-triple-secret organization. I can't tell you the name of the society or I would have to kill you, but I can tell you that it can be recognized by the symbol ¤. Our meeting houses have sprung up all over the country and we have placed them very close to highways to make them easily accessible. You've probably seen the dome/pyramid hybrid buildings near exit and entrance ramps. Membership is by invitation only. We do have a way to gain entry without a formal invitation, however. All you have to do is solve the following riddle and then knock on the door to one of our meeting houses with the answer. "What number comes next in this series: 1, 11, 21, 1211, 111221, 312211, 13112221, ???" We're waiting!

 

In 2009, after George surpassed Neal by 100% in the number of genetically descended offspring, Neal and Clarissa got busy, very busy. In 2011 Neal welcomed the arrival of his 12th son (and he didn't even use the time machine). A result of all this baby making was a new sport, which took America by storm. By 2015 it will be the second largest organized professional sport (right behind curling - yeah, it takes off next summer), enjoyed by millions of fans around the world. The Extreme Mobile Watching League, more commonly known as ExMo, spawned a whole family of spin-off sports, like Competition Crawling and the annual Spit-up Spectacular. In 2016 the IISL (International Infant Sporting League) was formed to encompass ExMo and related competitions.

 

In October 2009, Neal was kidnapped by the group, People Against Kneeling (or PAK; male members are known as PAK-Men and those married to PAK-Men may still retain their "Ms." nomenclature). Neal was abducted solely because his name could be construed as a command to kneel. As a result, Neal could not update the chronicling of George and Neal's epic journeys through life (and a few times, death, but we'll get to that later. Or never.) In November 2009, Neal escaped, evading security cameras, ironically, by kneeling down. You'd think the PAK-Men would have seen that one coming.

 

In 1981 George founded the Midwest University of Trickery in Elocution (M.U.T.E.); the most prestigious school of ventriloquism, and the only one to offer a full range of degrees and certifications, including the esteemed Pu.D. (Doctorate of Puppetry). In response Neal founded the Disparate Union of Mumbling Mannequins and Inanimate Entertainment Sycophants (D.U.M.M.I.E.S.) to fight for the rights of puppets everywhere. This short lived organization dissolved quickly when none of the members would speak up for themselves.

 

In 1984, during George and Neal's famous Cow Experimentation period (it's not what it sounds like), they successfully bred cows with extremely high intelligence. As a result, George and Neal became strict vegetarians, and hid the nation's beef. This coincidentally coincided with Wendy's "Where's the Beef?" campaign, and therefore the public thought the lack of beef was merely a marketing stunt. Unfortunately for cows but fortunately for the meat-eating public, the hyper-intelligent cows did not live longer than three days, so the meat was redistributed (that's what she... well, you know where I'm going with that, so let's just move on). Still though, if the cows had survived, what a world it would be... In the three short days they were alive, they founded the United Democratic Distribution of Edible Relief (known as U.D.D.E.R.), an institution devoted to ending worldwide hunger. The organization focused on the mass distribution of chickens, pigs, platypus, and other farm enemies.

 

In 2099 scientists astounded the world by developing genetically engineered little blue creatures that wore nothing but white pants and hats. OK, so those scientists were George and Neal. What can we say, we loved the Smurfs. Unfortunately these obnoxious blue critters bred incredibly fast, considering there was only one female. The blue varmints were quickly shipped off to a remote island in the mid-Atlantic Ocean where they quickly covered the land several feet deep. A year later Neal and George were visiting the island to see how the blue pests were coping when they were viciously attacked. Luckily Neal always carries a collapsible surfboard in his front pocket (no, he's not just happy to see you). He quickly whipped it out (the surfboard you pervert) and George and Neal were able to ride a wave of blue scourge back to safety. This event was recorded and broadcast on the 6:00 news worldwide. The few people who still watched TV for their news in 2100 were amazed and the idea became the newest extreme sport. The contaminated island became a hot spot of tourist activity while thrill seekers would ride wave after wave of the blue plague. By 2148 Smurfing was an Olympic sport, attracting thousands of spectators. That is, until the blue blight evolved teeth and ate the entire 2164 Italian Women's Olympic Team. 2165's Operation Gargamel was ironically a success and wiped the Earth clean of the blue contamination. On a side note, we don't like the Smurfs any more.

 

By 2031 there were so many comic conventions and expos (including Comic-Con, WizCon, APE, C2E2, WonderCon, Comikaze, C4, MegaCon, Sac-Con, Pros & Con, Com-Con-Chameleon, Thimblecon, thousands of local comic conventions, and many more) that George and Neal decided to found the first annual ComConCon. This convention was to promote awareness of other conventions. Participants were encouraged to come dressed as their favorite convention. For the first year Neal dressed as the Cleveland Comic, Card and Nostalgia Show and George dressed as Awesome Con DC. The annual ComConCons were a huge success until a small scandal in 2042 when the manager of long time ComConCon participant Illinois Government ComiCon, Ryan Hodge Blagokowski, was convicted of corruption and masterminding a scheme that hoodwinked millions of people out of hundreds of dollars (he claimed to be selling pre-release copies of the seventh book in George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series, however he was taking the money and had no intention of ever delivering the books, much like Martin himself...). This grand scam was dubbed the ComConCon Con. After spending 13 years behind bars(with 'A Dream of Spring' still listed as 'forthcoming'), R.H. Blagokowski was forever referred to as 'The ComConCon Con Con'.

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