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George Neal

Entry Logged on: September 24, 2012 to Part 3 by: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)
Page Views: 383 - Times Displayed: 13688

In 2029, George and Neal decided to tinker with building functional teleportation technology. Unfortunately, it had been years since either Neal or George watched the 1986 Jeff Goldblum film, The Fly, which illuminated the dangers of teleportation. When the first opportunity arose to use the teleportation device, the men fought over who could use it first. George raised the fact that whoever went first had the potential to be a Neal Armstrong-like figure. Neal raised the fact that Neal Armstrong's first name was Neal, and therefore he should go first. It was sound logic. George refused to accept it, however, and flung himself into the device. Neal did the same. The result was catastrophic (and sexy), in which Neal and George's DNA were combined, creating what at least two people believe to be the smartest man in history. This amalgamation dubbed itself "George Neal." Unfortunately, while the teleportation / recombination was occurring, knobs got fiddled accidentally (that's what she said) and George Neal was flung back into the late 1700's. Though possessing great knowledge and incredible oration skills, George Neal had none of the memories of George or Neal. George Neal believed himself to be the son of a Scottish Highlander who set up permanent residence in South Carolina. For reasons unknown, George Neal chose to stay loyal to the British during the War of Independence. George Neal distinguished himself during the war, even being promoted to Major. He later became an explorer, exploring the north shore of Lake Erie by boat. Ultimately, after leaving America, Major Neal became Canada's first saddlebag preacher for the Methodist church.

 

George Neal - Voted sexiest man alive, 1821.

Voted sexiest man alive, 1821.

Photo by: Neal

Major Neal married, had a daughter Esther, and purchased 200 acres in the Port Rowan Long Point area at Cope's Landing, Ontario. On February 27, 1840, while his granddaughter was reading scripture to him, Major George Neal was hit on the head with an errant pineapple. How the pineapple found its way to Canada remains a mystery. In any event, the noggin clockin' caused the amnesia to disappear and both George and Neal's memories overwhelmed Major Neal.

Missing his/their respective families (and vowing he/they would never tell them about his/their wife, children, grandchildren, and Canadian property ownership), Major Neal faked his/their death the very next day. It was easy back then. He/they just said, "I'm dying" closed his eyes, and held his/their breath. When no one was looking, he/they built a rudimentary time machine out of twigs, berries, and of course, rocks and put it in his/their pocket. After his/their burial, he/they activated the time machine, traveling back to 2029. He/they reverse-engineered their DNA joining (did I mention, ewww?), thereby finally separating George and Neal. There were little long-term physical ramifications, other than Neal smelling like George (egg drop soup) and George smelling like neal (feet, soaked in egg drop soup). Like everything else in this chronology, the events were entirely true. As proof, one need only to visit the Neal Memorial Methodist Church in Port Rowan, Ontario (which was established in September 1912 by George Neal's grandson, Rev. George Neal Hazen, and which still remains to honor "Canada's First Saddlebag Preacher"). One could also read more about these events at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Neal.

Tags: 1700s(1) 1912(1) 1986(8) 2029(2) britain(9) celebrities(69) christian(8) genetics(16) george funk(11) historic events(18) movies(40) neal funk(18) offspring(13) ouch! that'll leave a mark(13) people of history(33) religion(11) teleportation(10) that's what she said(6) time machine(37) wives(15)
Names Mentioned: britain(8) canada(4) george neal(1) jeff goldblum(1) lake erie(1) neil armstrong(1) ontario(1) rev. george neal hazen(1) scotland(3) south carolina(1) the fly(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

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People, Places, Companies, Products, and Things mentioned that you may recognize from your reality: britain(8), canada(4), george neal(1), jeff goldblum(1), lake erie(1), neil armstrong(1), ontario(1), rev. george neal hazen(1), scotland(3), south carolina(1), the fly(1)

Tags:
  • 1700s - (No Other Entries)
  • 1912 - (No Other Entries)
  • 1986 - (7 Other Entries)
    • The Heroic Journey of Two Wonderful, Influential, Benevolent Human Beings - George and Neal walked completely across the country and back in only three days back in 1986. Everyone was really impressed and George and Neal went ...
    • We Made Bon Jovi Cool - In early 1986 Bon Jovi was working on their album Slippery When Wet. Because their previous album wasn't as successful as they had hoped, they hired ...
    • Rhymes with 'Orange' - Upon hearing that no word in the English language rhymed with "orange," in 1986, George invented the word "sporange" just so one would exist. Years la...
    • Max Headroom - Since 1986, every Friday evening, on odd numbered days, in years with digits that add up to 3 or 8, George and Neal hang out with Max Headroom. Un-un-...
    • Breakin'! - In 1984, George starred in the movie "Breakin'!" as Master Shabazz. In 1986, Neal, in an effort to follow in his friend's footsteps, starred in the mo...
    • Show All...
  • 2029 - (1 Other Entry)
    • Here Be Dragons - On a trip back to 1227 BCE George and Neal discovered that dragons did in fact inhabit major portions of the earth. Different species of dragons lived...
  • britain - (8 Other Entries)
    • Save the Dinosaurs - 65 million years ago George and Neal used their teleportation device to rescue countless dinosaurs from impending doom when a comet was about to crash...
    • Feats of Strength!™ - In 2000 BCE, Neal and George traveled to the English county of Wiltshire to participate in the yearly Feats of Strength!™. George lifted a cow (using ...
    • Vatican Idol and Spin-offs - In 2007, hoping to cash in and ride on the success of American Idol, but knowing his limitations (such as poor fashion sense, body odor, warbley singi...
    • President Obama's Education Recovery Effort - In 2010, as part of President Obama's Education Recovery Effort, George & Neal's list of accomplishments became mandatory curriculum from 4th grade up...
    • Viking/English Hostility - On June 8, 793 AD George and Neal orchestrated the first Viking attack on England; the raid on the monastery of Lindisfarne in Northumbria. This was t...
    • Show All...
  • celebrities - (68 Other Entries)
    • Neal and Out - The Fall and Rise of a Modern Legend - In 2022 Neal was having a mid-life crisis and had decided to head to Vegas to gamble his life savings away. George joined him thinking it would be a g...
    • The 3 Stooges: The Origin - In 1933, Columbia's "3 Nice Regular Guys" premiered, starring Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and George Jaros. The three produced 25 eight-to-twelve minute ...
    • The Twelve Step Approach - In 2010 George insisted Neal seek therapy to break his addiction to board games. Neal entered the program but came out six weeks later with a great id...
    • Aracauna Flu - In 2068 George and Neal accidentally engineered a new strain of the flu virus, called Aracauna Flu, and then subsequently became the first people to c...
    • George, Digitally Inserted - In 1997, due to George's deep love of Star Wars, as well as his admiration of George Lucas (less as a result of Lucas's accomplishments and more becau...
    • Show All...
  • christian - (7 Other Entries)
    • Keeping Kosher - Neal enjoys eating pickled pig snouts, but only if they're Kosher. George enjoys eating all the foods his wife won't let him eat.
    • EastKippur - In an effort to unify religions, George and Neal combined Easter and Yom Kippur, (known as "EastKippur"). Unfortunately, this resulted in a cruel iron...
    • Sisters of Endless Guilt - In 1962 George and Neal dressed as nuns and moved into the Sisters of Endless Guilt convent, just for kicks. We lived there for three and a half month...
    • Olympic Snowball - In 2022, at George and Neal's insistence (ok, it was actually persistence - we agreed to finally stop whining about it if the IOC included it - we can...
    • Joy to Everyone! - In 2019 George and Neal made a fortune by selling Christmas snow globes. It was all an accident, really. We thought we had this great idea to make C...
    • Show All...
  • genetics - (15 Other Entries)
    • There is No Zero! - In 1966 George and Neal decided to visit the year 0, but the adventures they had in year 0 were so debaucherous that all reference to the year has bee...
    • GONADS - In 2009 George, along with Neal's wife Clarissa, developed the Genetic Origins Nurturing And Development System or GONADS. This revolutionary device t...
    • The Damnation that was Smurfs - In 2099 scientists astounded the world by developing genetically engineered little blue creatures that wore nothing but white pants and hats. OK, so ...
    • Godzilla - In 1954, Neal and George worked in Japan assisting scientists with all sorts of experiments. (The boys secretly volunteered because they enjoyed drink...
    • Them Amazing Ladies - In 2001 George married the most incredible woman ever to live, past, present, and future, leaving Neal to settle for the second best, although if you ...
    • Show All...
  • george funk - (10 Other Entries)
    • George Spores - In September 1928, Neal and George decided to attempt to clone themselves so that future generations could benefit from their awesomeness. Neal believ...
    • Duels of Toxicity - Beginning in 1777, every 4th of July, George and Neal would get together and throw a party for the most important and powerful American figures. The p...
    • The Great Smog of '52 - In 1952 (but chronologically in 1997 during a trip in a time machine they co-invented) George and Neal visited London, resulting in the Great Smog of ...
    • We're Not Bigfoot - George and Neal are both virile, macho men - so much so that if they did not shave for two days, hair would grow all over their body, making them look...
    • Mmmmmmm... George Juice! - For unexplained reasons, George loves to bathe in Worcestershire sauce (which Dictionary.com defines as a "savory sauce of vinegar, soy sauce and spic...
    • Show All...
  • historic events - (17 Other Entries)
    • If You Survive the Looks You'll Be Tickled Smaragdine... - You know that saying, "If looks could kill"? Well, for a short period in 1868 some looks actually could kill. Glares, frowns, and the evil eye were ...
    • 1945, Tigers/Cubs, Game 4 of the World Series - In 1945, George and Neal decided to go to a Tigers/Cubs game - fatefully, it was Game 4 of the World Series. During the game, George complained of a s...
    • We the Bad-Ass Americans - George and Neal went on a vacation/bender in 1776 (again with the time machine). Luckily, though wackiness ensued, nothing was altered in our time-lin...
    • Calendar Confusion - In 46 BCE George and Neal suggested a new calendar to Julius Caesar. Caesar adopted most of the rules we specified, but not all of them. In 1582 Georg...
    • Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch Gang - For a few years near the end of the 19th century George and Neal organized several bands of outlaws and robbed banks and trains in the old west. We we...
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  • movies - (39 Other Entries)
    • Sock Film Classics - Thelma and Louise - After the success of placing themselves into the roles of classic sitcom characters George and Neal did the same thing with movies. But this time inst...
    • Connect One - After "Connect the Dot" the movie broke box office records, George and Neal decided to create a new game upon which to base another movie. The result?...
    • 1964 through 1969 - In 1983 Neal and George co-wrote a short story that chronicled their adventures from 1964 through 1969. The story was well received in the literary co...
    • Sleep Sleep Revolution - Hoping to get in on the "full body motion" video games made popular by the Wii and XBox Kinect, George and Neal invented "Sleep Sleep Revolution." Sa...
    • Smells That I Can Produce and Then Identify - Neal and George's love of board games inspired George W. Bush to create his own line of games. He really wanted to create complex games that require a...
    • Show All...
  • neal funk - (17 Other Entries)
    • What happens in Ancient Greece stays in Ancient Greece. - Tired of caring for three children (yes, George, that includes you), Julie recruited Clarissa to go on a time traveling "ladies only" vacation. While...
    • Going All Digital, and Clean(ish) - On February 9, 2009 by federal mandate George and Neal were required to go all digital. The mandate was immediately revoked and a new mandate required...
    • Lego Prison - In 2012 George and Neal's kids Mike, Sam, Adin, and Ayla snatched the time machine and traveled to 1948 where they were able to convince legislators t...
    • Hungry Eyes - In 1987, Neal organized a one-man a protest against Dial Corporation, demanding that they move their headquarters back to Chicago. Neal's rage was ini...
    • Infecting 1002 - In 2010, George and Neal went back in time to 2001 to stop themselves from hang gliding off 7 South Dearborn. Instead of arriving in 2001, they arrive...
    • Show All...
  • offspring - (12 Other Entries)
    • Hawking's melodious robotic voice... Ahhh.... - In 2036, tired of attempting to potty train their many, many children (combined, George and Neal sired 664 children, thanks to their wives, who have b...
    • It's All Relative - On April 1, 2010, George thought it would be a hilarious prank to go back in time and seduce Neal's great-grandmother. Consequently, George became Nea...
    • International Infant Sporting League - In 2009, after George surpassed Neal by 100% in the number of genetically descended offspring, Neal and Clarissa got busy, very busy. In 2011 Neal wel...
    • El Niño and La Niña - On a trip to northwestern Peru in 1923 George and Neal both befriended and eventually married the Lopez sisters. The sisters gave birth to two childre...
    • iKing George - In 1014, George founded the Kingdom of Northeast Georgia, and became King George I (known affectionately as iKing). Beginning in October of that year ...
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  • ouch! that'll leave a mark - (12 Other Entries)
    • George Jaros's Punch Out - In 1987, Nintendo released Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Although it was a smash hit, many believe that the game would have sold significantly better had it...
    • No Photoshopping Allowed - In 2041, someone had the gall to accuse George and Neal of photoshopping images of their great accomplishments. George and Neal quickly provided hundr...
    • Huh huh huh, you said 'deep'... - On May 11, 1997, "Deep Blue", a chess-playing computer developed by IBM, won a six-game match by two wins to one with three draws against world champi...
    • Apples freakin' hurt. - After hearing that Isaac Newton once disparaged Neal's great-great-great-great Grandfather's honor, George and Neal went back to 1666, and chucked an ...
    • I Dare You! - On September 6, 2010, George and Neal initiated a series of dares, each more shocking than the last. It started innocently enough, when George dared N...
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  • people of history - (32 Other Entries)
    • Lava Lamps: The Origin - In 1960 Neal invented the precursor to the lava lamp, affectionately called the 'Squeegee Glow Blob Light'. However in 1963 British accountant Edward...
    • Hollow Earth - On and off for 35,000 years George and Neal worked on hollowing out the Earth. The dirt we hauled out was used to make the moon. The interior of the E...
    • Fingers of Doom!: the Helen Keller Story - In 1982, Neal and George wrote, produced, and starred in the off-Broadway musical, "Fingers of Doom!: the Helen Keller Story." The play, which had an ...
    • Skullets Rock! - In 1983 George convinced Patrick Stewart that it was time to change his hairstyle and shave his afro. Neal suggested a mohawk instead, which Patrick ...
    • Two Seamstresses, One Thimble - In 1878, Eadweard Muybridge created what was essentially the world's first "motion picture." Later that year, Neal and George created the first viral ...
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  • religion - (10 Other Entries)
    • Jerry Falwell's 65th Birthday Party - Riding the success of their 1992 appearance in Under Siege, George and Neal opened a cake delivery business called "Under Siege 2: Dark (Chocolate) Te...
    • Religious iDeals - In an effort to avoid paying taxes on his massive fortune, in 1935, Neal established the first truly secular religion, Nealism. Honoring the tenets of...
    • Happy Chomp-akah - Wanting to "shake things up" for the next Hanukah, in 2013 Neal invented "Tleg", the exact opposite of Gelt - chocolate on the outside, gold foil on t...
    • Samhain and Zarathosht Diso - A second attempt to unite the religious holidays of Samhain and Zarathosht Diso was equally disastrous since neither of them was Wiccan or Zoroastrian...
    • Westboro Baptist Church - In 2013, in an attempt to connect with the average American, Westboro Baptist Church contacted Neal and George for their advice. We recommended they ...
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  • teleportation - (9 Other Entries)
    • Saturday Night George - In 1993 George and Neal used the Time Machine in conjunction with the Teleportation Device and wound up in an alternate reality where families sit aro...
    • Teleportation - After beginning to run out of material to add to the "Facebook Edit-Off" competition in year 6 of said competition, George and Neal decided to invent ...
    • Visiting Eternia - In 1988 George and Neal used their teleportation device to travel to the planet Eternia to inform the inhabitants of the successful legal proceedings ...
    • SUPER POWERS - In 1975 a hiccup in the Teleportation Device George and Neal use to travel instantaneously across huge distances caused them to swap realities with al...
    • Poor, poor Clem... - These used to be "The Grand Saga of George, Neal, and Clem's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!" but at some point, due to a glitch in t...
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  • that's what she said - (5 Other Entries)
    • Dr. Mountain Pepper Dew BBQ Sauce - In 2008, Neal convinced the makers of Dr. Pepper (which he claimed was the greatest jaguanst available, at least until the year 3041, when the superio...
    • Cow Experimentation - In 1984, during George and Neal's famous Cow Experimentation period (it's not what it sounds like), they successfully bred cows with extremely high in...
    • We went fishing and all we caught was awful... - In 1976 George and Neal went fishing. All they caught was a cold, the flu, pneumonia, and scarlet fever. But luckily the lake they were fishing on h...
    • The Flying Porcupine (and not the Short S.25 Sunderland) - In 1921 George and Neal began the daunting task of teaching porcupines to fly. It was long, arduous, painful work, and after twelve long years they g...
    • Just a little background... - ###Just a little background - This entire story was listed in the "Details on how you know each other" section of Facebook. Unfortunately the field fo...
    • Show All...
  • time machine - (36 Other Entries)
    • Starring George & Neal!!! - Wanting to attain fame, but hoping to do so with as little effort as humanly possible, George and Neal went back in time to be recast in Hollywood blo...
    • An end to worldwide tortoise hunger! - In 2008, George and Neal became extremely productive after discovering they could use their time machine to sleep 9 hours each night, while only reall...
    • Falling Out - In 1989 George and Neal had a falling out and didn't speak to each other for over 40 years, until they reconnected over their love of "Rock Smoothies"...
    • Cold Fusion - In 2035 George and Neal (using their time machine again) discovered the secret to producing Cold Fusion power. Unfortunately at the time they didn't r...
    • Rock Smoothies & Time Machines: The Origin - They also built a time machine, accidentally, while trying to fix a blender. The blender was originally broken when George and Neal decided to make "R...
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  • wives - (14 Other Entries)
    • Everything is About George - After a heated debate with his wife where she stated, "Everything is not always about you, George!", George went back in time (just prior to the begin...
    • He grabbed my hand and whispered, 'Run!' - The long running television series Doctor Who is loosely based on George and Neal's adventures, except their time machine does not look like a police ...
    • Historic 10 year journey from Chicago to DeKalb - Just last year George and Neal began their historic 10 year journey from Chicago to DeKalb. Currently they're stuck in traffic and just called their w...
    • Pleasurebots: The Origin - 2011: As a result of all of George and Neal's time traveling they were away from home a good portion of the time. In an effort to provide comfort to t...
    • Zoo Trip Time Machine - In March 2010 George and Neal got their families together for a trip to the zoo. They had a fantastic time and said it was a shame they hadn't done t...
    • Show All...
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Other Posts:

  • Bob Ross: The Origin - In 1968 George and Neal trained a kitten to paint. That kitten in turn trained Bob Ross to paint. Bob Ross in turn taught countless of people to paint...
  • Science Donations - In 1999, Neal tried to give his body to science. After 30 days, his body was returned as being defective.
  • Neality TV - After the success of the show "The L-Word", Neal and George produced a television show based upon Neal's life. In retrospect, it should have been obvi...
  • Definitely not Vain - In 1988, Neal and Billy Joel started a fire. Billy Joel denies it. In 2000, Carly Simon admitted she wrote "You're so Vain" about her 10-month, steamy...
  • Rue Bourbon is Distracting - In 2069 George and Neal wrote a musical, called "Home to Where the Sun Rises". The smash hit spent four years on Broadway before touring the world. ...


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