The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!



The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures through Time and Space (and Pudding)! is fully supported by... Well, nothing currently. We recently added ads (is that redundantly repetitive?) to our site in the hopes that we can earn a little bit of cash to pay to keep this site running. You see, all the piles and piles of money we make through our various business ventures, inventions, good fortune, and, ahem, other various schemes goes right back into funding for more research, travels, lawsuits, and general debauchery. So you see, there's nothing really left to keep this website going.

So, if you feel so inclined, you may graciously donate your organs, blood, or other bodily fluids to keep our website going. Or you could just send us a few bucks via PayPal, we're pretty easy like that (that's what she said). In return you'll gain the satisfaction of knowing that you are helping to educate millions and billions of individual cells (which really amounts to only a fraction of a person since it is estimated that the brain contains somewhere between 80-120 billion nerve cells (neurons), and neurons only make up about 50% of the cells in a human brain). Oh, and if you so request, we might include you in a future adventure (or maybe a past one).

Or, just click on one of the ads on our site. We'll get a few pennies, and there's no obligation for you, guaranteed or your money back!

Thanks for reading, and we hope you're not too traumatized after your visit.

 

George and Neal, sometime
in space and pudding.

In The Beginning... The chronicles of George and Neal are, for historians, a difficult thing to present. To say that very little is known about both men would be erroneous - in reality, the opposite is true. However, due to certain "chronal anomalies," the direct result of George and Neal's forays into time travel, it therefore becomes nearly impossible to lay out their history in a sequential manner.

For example, from 1982 to 1997, George and Neal organized ThimbleCon, an annual meeting of thimble enthusiasts everywhere that didn't actually happen until 2008, when George and Neal were ages 25 and 24, respectively. In 1976, during their respective ages of 35 and 34, they had success as the roller-derby team, "Peaches and CREAM!" ... But which to present first? The 1976 event came second - when they were in their 30s. The 2008 event occurred when the two were in their 20s, however they were in their late 60s when their fascination for thimbles drove them to start organizing the annual event. Much of their lives jump around in this willy-nilly fashion, so much so that most of those dedicated to presenting this information have suffered neurological maladies attempting to present their chronicles.

Rather than joining the ranks of the near-mad, this nameless historian has chosen to present this information as the events folded in the heroes' (a.k.a sexual dynamos, as some refer to them) lives. You, Faithful Reader, can now, for the first time ever, vicariously experience the greatness of the Triumphant Two. To say that this website will enhance the lives of billions, and change the world forever, would be an understatement.... But let's begin, shall we?


Disclaimer and Stuff:

"In infinite space, even the most unlikely events must take place somewhere. People with the same
appearance, name and memories as you, who play out every possible permutation of your life choices."
- Professor Max Tegmark, Dept. of Physics, MIT -

The events related in The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)! are completely true and really happened (or will happen). If your recollection of history does not exactly match those depicted below that may be because you exist in a different universe than where the events take place. People, places, and events related below may not necessarily represent those of your reality, so if something offends, irritates, annoys, aggravates, infuriates, bothers, hurts, chafes, vexes, infects, provokes, insults, affronts, abuses, slights, confuses, astounds, bamboozles, mystifies, baffles, perverts, misrepresents, depraves, debauches, spoils, destroys, putrefies, assaults, deceives, obstructs, frustrates, penetrates, creeps, disturbs, or fondles you or your worldview, please don't sue us. Things may be different in your reality than they are in ours. In fact, I'm willing to bet that they are different. If they aren't you might want to seek medical attention. If, on the other hand we have inspired, enlightened, educated, entertained, bewildered, or caressed you, please leave us a comment at www.george-and-neal-are-awesome.info

The documentation of this adventure began in February 2009 by Neal Simon and George Jaros. It quickly grew to epic proportions (that's what she said) and is still being updated periodically as of December 2019. For the latest entries visit www.george-and-neal-are-awesome.info

"If a universe can be imagined, it exists."
- Professor M.R. Franks, Member, Royal Astronomical Society of Canada -


367 Entries on This Page

###
Just a little background - This entire story was listed in the "Details on how you know each other" section of Facebook. Unfortunately the field for entering other details, while extremely long, and longer than we expected (that's what she said), wasn't quite long enough (she didn't say that). So we've expanded these into a series of notes so everyone can be accurately informed of these very truthful accounts from The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

Just FYI, the size limit is 65535 characters. That's roughly 17.5 single spaced pages in MS Word and 11,000 words.
###


From the generic "How Do You Know" fields:

Lived together?
You lived in Sin in 1998.
You lived in a van down by the river (but we swear nothing steamy happened) from 2004 to 2009.
You lived in inside the underbelly of a Tauntaun - more romantic than it sounds! from 1983 to 1984.

Worked together?
You worked at Wells and Wacker. Lower Wacker. That's a lot of Wacking. from 1981 to 1987.
You worked as Roadies (and, sadly, groupies) for the Lichtensteinian Goth Country band Doublewide Despair from 2001 to 2002.
You worked at C&C Roadside Carnival and Freak Show / Supermarket from 1995 to 1997.

From an organization, team or group?
You were members of Sumatran League of Confused Warlords in 1984.
You were members of Organizers of ThimbleCon 2008 - man, we love thimbles! from 1982 to 1997.
You were members of International Association of Rhubarb Farmers (who are diametrically opposed to those nasty Beet Farmers! [But not opposed to the Beat Farmers curiously enough]) from 1979 to 1984.

Went to school together?
You went to preschool with Neal.

Traveled together?
You traveled to sun bathing and swimming in Greenland for the bicentennial celebration of the Wooly Horse Festival in the winter of 2003.
You traveled to Panama for the annual Panama Canal Sled Dog/Doggy Paddle 500 biathlon in the summer of 2003.
You traveled to Djibuti, Qatar, Suriname, Guinea-Bissau, Moldova, Atlantis, Asgard, Metropolis, Kyrgyzstan... well, really, where DIDN'T we go? in the summer of 1980.

In my family?
George is Neal's father.

Through a friend?
You know Neal through Nicholas Exner (UIllinois).

Dated?
Yes, but not each other.

Other:
You met in 1981:


Neal met George workin' on the farm. George always promised Neal he'd see the rabbits.

After a falling out, they met years later on a city bus. Wait, did I say bus? I meant brothel.


Years later, Neal and George had limited success as the Rollerderby team, "Peaches and CREAM!"

 

Just a little background... - They were sensational!

They were sensational!

Photo by: George


In 1952 (but chronologically in 1997 during a trip in a time machine they co-invented) George and Neal visited London, resulting in the Great Smog of '52 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Smog_of_1952).


In March of 2009 George traveled back to February of 2009 just to make this entry in this list of great accomplishments.


In an effort to unify religions, George and Neal combined Easter and Yom Kippur, (known as "EastKippur"). Unfortunately, this resulted in a cruel irony wherein children are surrounded by chocolate rabbits but denied the opportunity to eat them.


A second attempt to unite the religious holidays of Samhain and Zarathosht Diso was equally disastrous since neither of them was Wiccan or Zoroastrian.

 

Just a little background... - Venn diagrams are always helpful.

Venn diagrams are always helpful.

Photo by: Neal


George and Neal hit great fame in the late '80s after successfully marketing a tooth-whitening toothpaste. However, when it was discovered that the "paste" was merely the inside of a Twinkie®, sales plummeted, except in Europe.


In order to prevent George and Neal from becoming destitute after the ADA failed to support their new toothpaste approximately three dozen musicians, actors, and rhubarb farmers (friends from the IARF) joined together to perform a benefit concert and recorded the '80's hit feel-good song "Teeth are for Wussies, so Give Edentulous a Chance". We are still waiting for the benefits of that get-together. On the plus side, dentists all around the world praised us for assisting in increasing their demand.

 

Just a little background... - Finally.... a worthy cause!

Finally.... a worthy cause!

Photo by: Neal


In 2005, George and Neal founded the "We Help You Help Yourself - Self Help Clinic". It is unknown at this time whether the Clinic was a whopping success or an utter failure, as George and Neal never unlocked the doors to the clinic, assuming those who needed the help would find it themselves.


In 2035 George and Neal (using their time machine again) discovered the secret to producing Cold Fusion power. Unfortunately at the time they didn't realize the implications of their discovery since they were only trying to develop a more efficient way to dispose of dog waste. It wasn't until 2115 that technology caught up to their misguided genius.


Remember Karate Kid? Well, George and Neal faced off against each other in a similar competition, except it was not Karate, but rather synchronized swimming. George won, and thanks to Neal's speedo, everyone else lost.

 

Just a little background... - This cannot end well.

This cannot end well.

Photo by: Neal


Then there was that one time, in band camp... But we won't go there.


Just last year George and Neal began their historic 10 year journey from Chicago to DeKalb. Currently they're stuck in traffic and just called their wives to say they'll be late and expect the trip to actually take 11 years and 3 months.


In early 2009, George and Neal began their epic "Facebook Edit-Off" competition, which spanned eleven years, and over ten thousand pages of irrelevant information about their lives (all true!). All because neither George nor Neal is willing to admit defeat, even though it was apparent to all that George did win.


Also in 2009, Neal's manhood became sentient and demanded to secede from his body. It was thought, (only by George, known by the rest of the world) that this was the result of Neal's long time habit of wussing out and doing things the girly way. In Neal's warped reality, Neal was so manly, that his manhood felt no need to continue being a part of Neal, as Neal would continue to be manly enough and could and would grow another one at will. The manhood's theme song during its secession campaign was a humorous '90s hit by the band King Missile. Years later, Neal's manhood started a website (www.nealsimonsmanhood.com), which met with some success - but likely only because people thought it was a website hosting pictures of the author/playwright who wrote "The Odd Couple", "Biloxi Blues", and "Lost in Yonkers". Initially, the website was not like that at all. Over time, however...

 

Just a little background... - Scientific Fact #47(c): All people named Neal Simon are excellent lovers.

Scientific Fact #47(c): All people named Neal Simon are excellent lovers.

Photo by: Neal


They also built a time machine, accidentally, while trying to fix a blender. The blender was originally broken when George and Neal decided to make "Rock Smoothies." Six blenders later, and the recipe is still not yet ready to be released.

 

Just a little background... - According to Billy Dee Williams, this, too, is smooth every time. Well, relatively.

According to Billy Dee Williams, this, too, is smooth every time. Well, relatively.

Photo by: Neal


In 1989 George and Neal had a falling out and didn't speak to each other for over 40 years, until they reconnected over their love of "Rock Smoothies". When they invented their time machine a few weeks after reconnecting, they decided that those 40 years were pretty foolish. So they traveled back to 1989, killed their previous selves, and carried on as if nothing had happened. No one ever questioned why they aged 40 years overnight.


George and Neal went on a vacation/bender in 1776 (again with the time machine). Luckily, though wackiness ensued, nothing was altered in our time-line, except that now the Declaration of Independence says, "We the Bad-Ass Americans", and where the signatures are, George drew a picture of a scantily clad woman, giving new meaning to the phrase "Give me your John Hancock". Though, in those times, a scantily clad woman meant drawing a woman wearing more clothes than the typical 2009 woman would wear, so it was all good. Also, ducks were outlawed, for some reason.

 

Just a little background... - Screw you, ducks!

Screw you, ducks!

Photo by: Neal


In 2000 George and Neal traveled to Africa and met Mr. Fred Abeku, the present branch Manager of Metropolitan & Allied Bank [GH] Ltd. Nima Branch, opposite the Grand Mosque Accra, Ghana. He needed help with collecting over $15 million from an account and we suggested he contact someone in America to help with the transaction. To our knowledge he, and his associates, have contacted millions of Americans, some of whom have helped with their various business dealings to great success. George and Neal are proud of their role in helping stimulate the global economy in such a benevolent way.


In 1984, George starred in the movie "Breakin'!" as Master Shabazz. In 1986, Neal, in an effort to follow in his friend's footsteps, starred in the movie "Breakin'! 2: Electric Boogaloo" as Funkmaster Funky Funk McFunkster. The acting skills exhibited by both gentlemen led to critical acclaim in both "Sucka! Magazine" and "What Willis Was Talking About Quarterly". George and Neal (widely known as collectively as "NeOrge") are currently on their fifty-first draft of the script, "Breakin'! 3: Hips a'Poppin!".

 

Just a little background... - This magazine ain't for the suckas!

This magazine ain't for the suckas!

Photo by: Neal


There are conspiracy theories, and then there's the truth. And here it is, at long last. There was no UFO crash at Roswell. It wasn't a weather balloon either though. During another time travel journey George and Neal let one of their genetic experiments borrow the hover car they stole from a trip to the year 2121. Poor creature wrecked the car and got grounded for a month. There was also no moon landing, although NASA will dispute that. But that's to be expected, since George and Neal masterminded the entire event. NASA truly does believe they landed on the moon, but they were actually diverted to a massive litter box in south eastern Algeria by our Super Gravitational Ray Bender (also stolen from the year 2121). We just didn't think the world was ready for the knowledge that the moon is in fact made of cheese. But not dairy cheese, we're talking stuff like cheap watches, gaudy jewelry, game show hosts, '80s fashions, bad jokes, crappy rest area souvenirs, pet rocks, mood rings, Wayne Newton, Dollywood, puns, "... and all I got was this t-shirt" t-shirts, dollar store toys, B movies, and other "cheesy" stuff.


After George invented the semicolon in Aught 8, Neal loved it so much;; that he decided; to use; it;;; whenever; he;; could.;; Neal's invention of the thorn character Þ was met with much less enthusiasm. But the two combined make a very funny emoticon ;Þ


When George and Neal were told they could do costume designing for Sean Connery, they jumped at the opportunity. Not because they liked Sean Connery - but rather they were intent on taking their revenge after Sean stole their "Rock Smoothies" idea (luckily, all that did was bust up his teeth and make the Yugoslavian sound like a Scottish man). Anyway, in an effort to exact revenge, George and Neal designed Sean's costume for his 1974 epic, Zardoz. The costume looked like this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Zardoz_zed.jpg Job well done, boys!

 

Just a little background... - Sweet Revenge.

Sweet Revenge.

Photo by: Neal


After beginning to run out of material to add to the "Facebook Edit-Off" competition in year 6 of said competition, George and Neal decided to invent a teleportation device that is able to deconstruct matter and send it to another location within this universe. Their first attempt at using the teleportation device for a living animal was successful. The second test, sending two animals through, was disastrous. The duck and beaver oddly combined to form the platypus. Luckily George and Neal were able to use their time machine and send the creature back millions of years where it could multiply and confound scientists for years. After two other unsuccessful tests, George and Neal finally perfected their teleportation device for multiple living creatures and now use it to travel to exotic locations so they have more information to add to the "Facebook Edit-Off" competition.


George was not the inventor of the famed "bucket run" at U of I, despite the widely held belief (the original bucket run was not actually invented, but rather discovered by none other than the infamous radio personality Mike Pries). However, unknown to many, George and Neal invented the "bathtub run" in 1997, wherein they would literally carry a bathtub to the nearby convenience store, to fill up with Surge and/or Mountain Dew, all for the low low price of 79 cents. This actually started the economic decline that became most apparent in 2008 and 2009.

 

Just a little background... - Good times. Good times.

Good times. Good times.

Photo by: Neal


In 1997 both Neal and George had major back surgery after carrying one too many bathtubs full of caffeinated, carbonated, goodness. For any normal human beings this would have been a major setback, but Neal and George used the opportunity to have their spines replaced with naquadah powered fusion reactors. Their new spines allow them to perform unimaginable feats of strength, travel at incredible rates of speed, and communicate with ungulates. But don't ask them to, they're not proud of the side effects.


For a period of six months, George and Neal spoke only in haiku - followed by another period where they spoke only in anagrams. No one understood a single thing they said. So, it was the same as usual, really.


In 1999, Neal tried to give his body to science. After 30 days, his body was returned as being defective.


In 2015, robots took over the world. Not as scary as you'd think. The robots were friendly, personable, and wonderful leaders of the enslaved human race. This robotic takeover had nothing to do with George and Neal. Or did it?


In 1998 George and Neal partied like it was 1999. In 1999 George and Neal didn't party.


In 2001 George and Neal went hang gliding from the top of the 7 South Dearborn Tower in Chicago (yes, we know it was never built... in this timeline, but in a parallel universe it was completed in August 2000). They have yet to land, in either timeline.

 

Just a little background... - The thermals over downtown Chicago are impressive, especially the hot air over City Hall and Daley Plaza.

The thermals over downtown Chicago are impressive, especially the hot air over City Hall and Daley Plaza.

Photo by: George


In 2010, George and Neal went back in time to 2001 to stop themselves from hang gliding off 7 South Dearborn. Instead of arriving in 2001, they arrived in 1002. They tagged along with a group of colonists, accidentally spreading an epidemic among the Viking colony in Greenland. It's true. Neal didn't just totally wikipedia what happened in 1002 to add it to this. The epidemic was simply the common cold, but the 2010 version of the virus had mutated so much from what was around in 1002. Because of it's super resistance to all antibiotics and the sudden lack of all antibiotics in 1002 combined with the fresh clean air, free from pollutants, Neal's first sneeze resulted in the virus escaping his system and growing to massive size. The vikings weren't infected so much as crushed, like Godzilla crushed Tokyo (which is another story altogether). Also, George convinced Otto of Worms to withdraw his nomination for the title of Holy Roman Emperor and as a result good old Wormsy received Duchy of Carinthia in return. Nice - Thanks George!

 

Just a little background... - Cold viruses chasing Vikings... Never before had something so huge come out of Neal's nose. Well, except for that one time when he snotted all over Neptune (you always wondered why it's green right?).

Cold viruses chasing Vikings... Never before had something so huge come out of Neal's nose. Well, except for that one time when he snotted all over Neptune (you always wondered why it's green right?).

Photo by: George


Onway ethay iptray ackbay otay 2010 Ealnay andway Eorgegay accidentallyway entway otay 2010 BCEAY. Erethay eythay inventedway Igpay Atinlay. Ethay anguagelay eventuallyway evolvedway intoway actualway Atinlay. Onway anotherway iptray otay 1818 eythay eintroducedray Igpay Atinlay otay ethay orldway andway itway ownay existsway inway itsway urrentcay ormfay.


In 1955, a small village in Transylvania attempted to assassinate George and Neal for inventing Pig Latin. All attempts were unsuccessful, in part because George and Neal scared the townsfolk with smoke, mirrors, and a conveniently placed donkey. The myth of George and Neal (known at that time collectively as "Geal") grew and grew, until it transformed into two supernatural stories: (1) the story of Dracula; and (2) the story of John Holmes (for other reasons that the facts stated above. Let's just say some of the townsfolk really, really like Geal.)


George and Neal walked completely across the country and back in only three days back in 1986. Everyone was really impressed and George and Neal went on the talk-show circuit, landing interviews with the likes of Geraldo, Oprah, Montel, Carson, Letterman, Walters, Humperdink, Stashinova, and Elmo. A Hallmark Special Movie called "The Heroic Journey to Two Wonderful, Influential, Benevolent Human Beings" was being planned to honor their amazing heroism when, during research for the roles of George and Neal, actors Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts discovered that the country George and Neal walked across was actually Monaco and the only reason it took then three days instead of a few hours was that they stopped at several casinos during their stay. The Hallmark movie is still being planned, but has been re-titled "The Great Cross Country Scam". We're OK with that.


In 1967, George and Neal traveled to Hollywood, to start their business, "Skin Flakes of the Stars". They sold exactly what you think. People reacted exactly how you think. Surprisingly, years later they restarted the business but marketed the product as a high-protein, body sculpting, smoothie supplement called "Hollywood DermaFleck", and the company's success skyrocketed. You can buy a tub of it at your local GNC, Vitamin World, or Jiffy Lube.


On 2/27/2009 George was too busy and too tired to do anything more than just embellish a bit. So he made up some random dribble just to take up some space. Neal wasted a few seconds of his time reading the dribble. Then everyone else who read this wasted a few seconds. After a while those seconds added up and years were wasted, just because George couldn't think of anything good to write. So thank you for contributing to the recession of 2009 by wasting precious seconds with which you could have been productive, earning money at a job or spending money to boost the economy. I hope it was worth it.


[CENSORED BY FACEBOOK OVERLORDS]

[FACEBOOK PROFILE RESUMES IN 3...2...1...]


George was the prime candidate for the Sharon Stone role in Basic Instinct. When George passed on the role, due only to the fact that taking the role would conflict with his ongoing protest against poodles (don't ask), Sharon Stone got the part.

 

Just a little background... - Oh dear lord.

Oh dear lord.

Photo by: Neal


In 1981, after the character Orko appeared in the cartoon He-Man, in a move that confused most of the world, Neal sued the cartoon company for infringement of likeness rights. Neal was inspired by George's successful suit a few years earlier for the infringement of likeness rights for the character Skeletor. Both Neal and George are currently receiving royalties on all sales of all the original action figures. So if you sell any of yours at a garage sale, resale shop, craigslist, eBay, etc. please be sure to send us our fair share of the profits.

 

Just a little background... - Interestingly, Teela is listed as one of his friends. Is there something you're not telling us?

Interestingly, Teela is listed as one of his friends. Is there something you're not telling us?

Photo by: Neal


In 1988 George and Neal used their teleportation device to travel to the planet Eternia to inform the inhabitants of the successful legal proceedings described above. Unfortunately George was feared due to his uncanny resemblance to Skeletor, while Neal was just laughed at for his humorous antics and glowing eyes. George and Neal left feeling very offended and vowed to never return. We aren't sharing our proceeds from the action figure sales either.


On a trip to northwestern Peru in 1923 George and Neal both befriended and eventually married the Lopez sisters. The sisters gave birth to two children, simply referred to as The Little Boy and The Little Girl, in Spanish, El Niño and La Niña. After Neal and George were required to return to their present timeline (the time travel device only lets them stay in one timeline for a maximum of 2 years), their children were, understandably, upset. By the time George and Neal could return to their Peruvian families the children had grown disruptive. While most children are prone to throw tantrums and act out, George and Neal's children are responsible for storms and other weather anomalies in the Pacific Ocean to this day.


In 2009, while writing an update to this profile, Neal was kidnapped by ninjas. (Though, truth be told, Neal took out 58 of the ninjas with his awesome karate skills. He was overpowered by the remaining 342 ninjas). Thus, George set on his 14 day quest to save Neal, which involved scaling numerous mountains, fighting 3 mountain lions and one kitten (though, he probably didn't have to fight the kitten), and taking on an armada of stealthy warriors. George's mission was a success, and now they are making a mega-blockbuster feature film. Ok, so it's not going to be a mega-blockbuster, but it'll win a few awards. Or maybe it'll just be an independent film released to a limited audience. Or a direct-to-dvd movie. Well, ok, there will just be a made-for-tv movie about it. Well, actually, not a made-for-tv movie. More of a television short. Well, more of a youtube clip. Well, okay, it was that Numa Numa clip. But that was totally symbolic of the struggles, man.

 

Just a little background... - That cat shouldn't have talked so much trash.

That cat shouldn't have talked so much trash.

Photo by: Neal


In 2010 George and Neal single handedly (well, I guess double-handedly) save the US from a great depression, by creating a new industry devoted solely to... well, I can't really say here, otherwise our idea will be taken. Probably by Bette Midler, who religiously checks these updates for some reason. Damn you, Midler!

 

Just a little background... - Bette doing her nightly check of the latest updates in the The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)! You won't find anything you can use here Bette! Go away!

Bette doing her nightly check of the latest updates in the The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)! You won't find anything you can use here Bette! Go away!

Photo by: George


In 2015 George and Neal will have finalized all of the details surrounding their friendship. That is, until 2016, when they will have to chronicle all that occurred in 2015.


In 1992, when they were prime witnesses in the trial of Chicago's Polish Mafia boss Mogul Downhillski, George and Neal entered witness protection where they were relocated to Idaho and given false names. They lived there for three years before they once again became key witnesses in a criminal case, this time against the eco-terrorist group "Bombing for Bushes". In a strange twist of fate, George and Neal (now known as Sven Jorgenson and Paco Lopez) were again put into witness protection. This time they were relocated to Champaign, IL and, ironically, given the names George Jaros and Neal Simon, although George was now Neal and Neal was now George. In 2001 they again became key witnesses, but this time in separate events. George (really Neal) was to testify against celebrity gangster D-pak Choppa in his murder trial of fellow thug and rapper Jarjar FallSwell. Neal (really George) was considered the expert witness, and the prosecution's slam dunk testimony, in the case of Reticulitermes virginicus vs X-Vermin-X Corporation due to the years he spent secluded in the deep wilderness studying and becoming a part of subterranean termite society. He was at one time knows as the Jane Goodall of termites. Anyway, in a very strange twist of fate, George (really George) was sent into Witness Protection in DeKalb and given the name George Jaros. Neal (really Neal) was sent into witness protection in Chicago the same year and given the name Neal Simon. Unfortunately, due to the secretive nature of witness protection, they were unable to reveal their past identities, resulting in this confusing mess. It all worked out in the end though, and those that might be looking for them are undoubtedly just as confused as everyone else. But please, don't say anything to anyone since this is all supposed to be a secret still. They have currently retired from the business of being key witnesses in criminal cases, since it was becoming too confusing to remember who they were at any given time, especially with all the time travel they do.

 

Just a little background... - The "Bombing for Bushes" eco-terrorist group wasn't your typical eco-terrorist group. Instead of creating turmoil to push environmental agendas, they just terrorized bushes. We witnessed plenty an azalea go up in flames before the FBI finally caught these punks.

The "Bombing for Bushes" eco-terrorist group wasn't your typical eco-terrorist group. Instead of creating turmoil to push environmental agendas, they just terrorized bushes. We witnessed plenty an azalea go up in flames before the FBI finally caught these punks.

Photo by: George


George and Neal are the Illuminati and the New World Order. We lead the Bilderberg Group and organize the annual Bilderberg Conference. Our headquarters are underneath the Denver International Airport. We also founded the Committee of 300, the Freemasons, Skull & Bones, The Stonecutters, and the Shriners (what can we say, we like little cars).

 

Just a little background... - This was taken moments before Neal went on his road rage rampage and ended up getting pulled over for doing 7mph in a 5mph construction zone. George mooned him as he drove by laughing.

This was taken moments before Neal went on his road rage rampage and ended up getting pulled over for doing 7mph in a 5mph construction zone. George mooned him as he drove by laughing.

Photo by: George


In 1967 George and Neal shared the MVP award at the World Championship football game. When they were interviewed about their success, they were asked how they felt about their accomplishments and what their plans for the future were. Their response: "That was Super! [high five] Let's go bowling! [Another high five]" George and Neal then left and bowled 12 consecutive 300 games. However, when their interview was later printed in Sports Illustrated, they were misquoted as saying "That was a Super Bowl!". The name of the event stuck and ever since the World Championship of football has been known as the Super Bowl. Nobody cares about the 1440 consecutive pins they knocked down during their celebratory bowling spree.


In 1988, Bill and Ted went on an excellent adventure. Nothing compared to the exploits of George and Neal, which the movie was based off of. However, like all "based on a true story" movies, certain facts were glossed over or changed. For example, Neal and George learned through their time traveling exploits that Joan of Arc really loved marshmallows, Beethoven was not deaf but rather he just didn't like listening to people, Ghengis Kahn was not a real person but instead was a bear dressed in men's clothing. The movie did accurately portray Napoleon as a jerk though. That guy stole George's iPod. "Jokes on you, little man," George cried angrily, "Where you going to charge it back in your time?" Of course, to Napoleon, all he heard was "Waa Waa Waaa Waa" Charlie Brown style, because he didn't speak English. Also, George didn't say dude. His favorite word? Jaguanst.


In 1998, George convinced Neal to go on Fear Factor, where Neal went on to eat 50 scorpions, 12 worms, and over a hundred bull testicles. Neal later learned in fact that George had merely played a practical joke and he was never on Fear Factor. Neal would have swore revenge, except that he realized he really liked eating bull testicles so he wasn't all that angry.

 

Just a little background... - Why Neal took a liking to these we will never know, but he just couldn't stop downing them like there was no tomorrow.

Why Neal took a liking to these we will never know, but he just couldn't stop downing them like there was no tomorrow.

Photo by: George


In 2001 Apple Computer Corporation released the iPod. Sources say that the design was based on an archaeological find from a dig in Russia near the location of the Battle of Borodino. Rumors were that it was a relic of an alien civilization that was manipulating Napoleon through an implant near his ear. They were confused by the label attached to it's battery compartment that said "Property of George, Neal keep your hands off!". Apple's first iPod was a nearly identical copy of the relic.


Numerous TV shows and Movies (and also a few books) have been based on the life and times of George and Neal. Included in these are: Superman, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (as noted above, however not Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, at least not yet), The Game, Indiana Jones (the first three), Goonies, Knight Rider, The A-Team, Welcome Back Kotter, Gone with the Wind, Beavis & Butthead, Altered States, James and the Giant Peach, everything by Neil Gaiman, Get Smart, Gunsmoke, The Muppet Show, Soylent Green, Plan 9 from Outer Space, The Lorax, Casablanca, Animal Farm, Star Trek Deep Space 9, Hamlet, Tales of a Geisha, and plenty more...


In 1973, Neal and George co-founded the DHARMA initiative (yeah, those Lost guys got the idea from us), in an effort to prevent the pending apocalypse. Also, to make peanut butter that won't stick to the roof of your mouth. Unfortunately, there are those who oppose such a peanut butter, and we have been at war with those Hostiles (or "Jiffys" as we also call them) ever since. We called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and asked them to hold off for a while. Since they too like peanut butter that doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth they agreed to wait until we have perfected our recipe. We've since stopped research on peanut butter, but don't tell the Horsemen.

 

Just a little background... - Famine got lucky this time with a PB&J sandwich. Too bad Pestilence had already handled it and contaminated it with salmonella.

Famine got lucky this time with a PB&J sandwich. Too bad Pestilence had already handled it and contaminated it with salmonella.

Photo by: George


In the summer of 2009, George and Neal had a barbecue. (Hey, not everything is as exciting as time traveling or fighting off townspeople.) Oh yeah, there were hordes of zombies at the barbecue that George and Neal had to battle. Almost forgot about that part.

 

Just a little background... - Still, it wasn't the worst barbecue we've attended...

Still, it wasn't the worst barbecue we've attended...

Photo by: Neal

 

Mmmm...  Grilled Zombie... - ...we did manage to get some interesting bits to try grilling.

...we did manage to get some interesting bits to try grilling.

Photo by: George


George and Neal are in charge or Don Cherry's wardrobe.

 

Just a little background... - George and Neal with Don Cherry and one of his tamer getups.

George and Neal with Don Cherry and one of his tamer getups.

Photo by: George


In 1962 George and Neal dressed as nuns and moved into the Sisters of Endless Guilt convent, just for kicks. We lived there for three and a half months before we were discovered. After being sent out of the convent we took our habits to Antarctica to live with the penguins. So far our guise has not been penetrated (and neither have we, luckily).


Back in 1952, Neal and George invented the pancake. Not that they were trying to invent it, mind you. They just suck at making regular cakes, and that's just what happened. They made a fortune as a result, but lost it all when multiple lawsuits were filed against George and Neal after they chucked countless pancakes at oncoming traffic. (Wikipedia "the Prolific Pancake Pileup" for more information). A movie, "The Illinois Pancake Massacre", involving a serial killer who used pancakes as his weapon of choice, was only loosely based on the incident.

 

Just a little background... - Uncle Buck has a long way to go before he can match these babies. We had traffic stopped for three days while crews cleaned up syrup and butter.

Uncle Buck has a long way to go before he can match these babies. We had traffic stopped for three days while crews cleaned up syrup and butter.

Photo by: George


In 10,000 BCE, Neal and George invented the opposable thumb. In secret documents, Darwin acknowledged this fact, and renounced his natural selection theory. Confusingly, the Vatican has suppressed this information for generations.

 

Just a little background... - He couldn't have been that mad; he gave us a signed copy!

He couldn't have been that mad; he gave us a signed copy!

Photo by: Neal


In 9,996 BCE, Neal and George invented the opposable nose. It wasn't as well received and didn't go on to quite the success as the opposable thumb. However, there is a tribe of people in the central forests of Simushir, known as the Norge, which embraced the opposable nose. Their culture is very interesting and celebrates the gift of the opposable nose bestowed upon them by their ancient deities Egroeg and Laen, two powerful beings that visited their people with magical devices and funny haircuts.

 

Just a little background... - Egroeg, preparing to bestow the wonderful gift of the opposable nose.

Egroeg, preparing to bestow the wonderful gift of the opposable nose.

Photo by: George & Neal Collaboration - Caption by: Neal


In 165,003 BCE George and Neal visited Macronesia, a large continent in the now Pacific Ocean (not to be confused with Macaronesia in the Atlantic). Unfortunately, while there we were careless and broke it into lots of smaller pieces. It is now known as Micronesia. Fortunately Macronesia was unpopulated at the time so no one is the wiser.

 

Just a little background... - A map of Macronesia and the route George and Neal took on their visit, prior to breaking it into Micronesia...

A map of Macronesia and the route George and Neal took on their visit, prior to breaking it into Micronesia...

Photo by: George


In 1983, George devised a 10-day NATO exercise to simulate World War 3, so that all nations participating could see what would happen in the worst case scenario of war. Unfortunately, Neal forgot to tell the Soviet Union about George's game/simulation, resulting in wide-spread Soviet panic and the closest the world has ever come to nuclear war. (Wikipedia: Able Archer 83). Whoops. Neal's bad.


In 2006, Neal appeared on the television spin off, "Who Wants to Be a Hundred-Aire". Neal did not win the hundred dollars.


Also in 2006, George invented a scrabble board game, called "Binabble" and instead of letters, you could only use 1's and 0's. The game didn't sell very well because the game board was too huge. Neal also invented a board game called "Mon-opoly". It differed from the famous game with a strikingly similar name because it dealt with only properties in Jamaica and the Chance cards all end in "mon", as in "Go durectly to da jail, mon, and doncha pass da go, mon."

 

Just a little background... - The game board went on for miles and miles. Even Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey couldn't see the end of it.

The game board went on for miles and miles. Even Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey couldn't see the end of it.

Photo by: George


A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, nothing happened because Star Wars was just a story made up by George Lucas (although the plot was loosely based on George and Neal's adventures with a similar all-encompassing power called the Farce). However, last week in this galaxy George and Neal were lost and trying to figure out a way to get back to the Milky Way. Their GPS unit was on the fritz and told them they were in the Pegasus galaxy even though they were actually in Stickney, Illinois. It was an understandable mistake.


In 1998, George decided to traumatize Neal by forcing him to watch Peter Jackson's lesser known muppets-on-drugs movie, Meet the Feebles. Neal has been sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth ever since. On the plus side, George realized he could use Neal's constant rocking as an alternate source of energy. Now the nation's reliance on oil has abated. Its reliance on "Neal Power", however, has grown exponentially. George has become the nation's largest supplier of "Neal Power", although not everyone rocking back and forth after watching Meet the Feebles is named Neal. The cost of producing "Neal Power" generators was drastically reduced in 2000 when George invested in purchasing a copy of the movie on VHS for $14.95 instead of having to rent the video for $3.00 every time he wanted to build more power generators. Since 2000 George has converted numerous poor souls to "Neal Power" generators, including his poor wife (sorry honey!). To the Spice Girls dismay, the nation still has no interest in fueling things using sassy "Girl Power". The Power Rangers have no opinion on this.

 

Just a little background... - The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)! is powered by people viewing this still from "Meet the Feebles". Thanks for doing your part to keep our site running.

The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)! is powered by people viewing this still from "Meet the Feebles". Thanks for doing your part to keep our site running.

Photo by: George


In 46 BCE George and Neal suggested a new calendar to Julius Caesar. Caesar adopted most of the rules we specified, but not all of them. In 1582 George and Neal again proposed their new, more accurate calendar system, which was officially adopted by Pope Gregory XIII in October of that year. The ensuing confusion lasted for nearly 350 years (and will actually reassert itself again in the year 2800 thanks to the Revised Julian calendar). As confusion regarding the calendar wore off George and Neal decided to shake things up again in the early 1900s with their invention of Daylight Savings Time. We had nothing to do with George W. Bush's addition to the confusion. That was his own doing.


George and Neal have an unhealthy obsession with Milton Bradley and other board games. This obsession, however, has proven beneficial. For instance George and Neal won second place at the Life Board Game National Competition two times (1956 and 1978). Also, George and Neal amassed a small fortune after creating the game "Tic-Tac-Toe-Two, which was the same game as Tic-Tac-Toe, except it had 3 extra boxes and 74 needlessly complicated rules. If you could withstand the tutorial, it was a surprisingly fun game. Its sales in America were abysmal, but did well in Australia under its alternate name "Tic-Tac-Dingo-Ate-My-Baby-Toe".

 

Just a little background... - Tic-Tac-Toe-Two - The X's won, but by a close margin.

Tic-Tac-Toe-Two - The X's won, but by a close margin.

Photo by: George


In 1902 George and Neal developed a revolutionary diet program. The program slowly grew and evolved until the 1950s and 1960s when it suddenly took off and became an incredible success. We marketed it as a system where you could eat delicious foods and get into great shape at the same time. The program was advertised extensively under a variety of names and titles and we are happy to report that today the Neal and George Diet Program is the most successful program in the country. Nearly everyone in America participates in the program and there are millions of branches across the country. The success of our program is even global with various franchises in just about every country in the world. In economically developed countries it is possible to even see our program in action in 10 or 12 locations simultaneously. Our program has evolved and developed into varieties that fit just about every lifestyle and situation. In fact, we're willing to be that you've participated in our program at least once in the last month, possibly even today. The program goes by several names, but the most common name used in popular culture is the Fast Food program. What? We never specified what shape you'd be in. Round is a shape! And we happen to think it's a great shape.


In 1993, George won rave reviews with food critics across the nation (though mostly in southern New Jersey) when he created a tasty new meatloaf. Not to be outdone, Neal created the vegetarian alternative, Broccloaf. It tastes terrible. The Scottish love it.


In 1949, George starred in the off-Broadway (well, off-off Broadway) play "Oh God I Shot Momma" as the corpse. On a completely different note, that same year Neal was beaten by Albert Einstein at both chess and wrestling - at the same time. That guy was wicked tough.

 

Just a little background... - This was one dude you didn't want to mess with. He'd pin you so fast that you'd age a little bit more than him.

This was one dude you didn't want to mess with. He'd pin you so fast that you'd age a little bit more than him.

Photo by: George


65 million years ago George and Neal used their teleportation device to rescue countless dinosaurs from impending doom when a comet was about to crash into the earth. They transported the dinosaurs to a planet known as Gliese 581 d. Over the past 65 million years the dinosaurs evolved into intelligent beings capable of interstellar travel. They have been visiting Earth, researching their distant Earthly descendants (namely birds, crocodiles, and the British) for many years. George and Neal often host members of the Saurian Empire for dinner parties and Scattergories tournaments.


Neal and George's love of board games inspired George W. Bush to create his own line of games. He really wanted to create complex games that require an immense amount of concentration. His games, "Count Your Noses", "Connect the Dot", and "Smells That I Can Produce and Then Identify" are currently in production. 21st Century Fox has optioned the movie rights for all three games. George and Neal are considering filing lawsuits for co-creator rights.

 

Just a little background... - It's more challenging than it looks...

It's more challenging than it looks...

Photo by: George


In 2010 George insisted Neal seek therapy to break his addiction to board games. Neal entered the program but came out six weeks later with a great idea for a game called "The Twelve Step Approach". The game has been a big hit in Hollywood and has attracted some of the biggest stars in entertainment, including Nick Nolte, David Hasselhoff, Amy Winehouse, Lindsey Lohan, and Elmo. Neal hopes to capitalize on the game's success with a sequel called "Back on the Wagon" while George is working on a prequel called "I Can't Remember What I Did Last Summer". A live television version of the game is scheduled to be on NBC in the fall of 2010. The working title for the game show version is "Neal or No Neal".

 

Just a little background... - It's anticipated that the show will be a runaway success, just like the board game. In other words, if you run away you might succeed.

It's anticipated that the show will be a runaway success, just like the board game. In other words, if you run away you might succeed.

Photo by: George


George was the fifth Beatle. However, due to a problem with the time machine, he had to forsake this role, give up fame and fortune and return to his present time. George tells everyone he meets this fact. In 2000, Neal was the sixth Backstreet Boy. Neal tells no one this fact. However, Neal is quite proud of the short time that he posed as Enya while in witness protection. Despite poor reviews ("Worst... Enya... Ever..."), his concerts were quite popular; though this might have something to do with "Enya's" new mandate requiring copious amounts of backup-singer nudity.


In 1856 George and Neal invented over six different types of keyboards, the now ubiquitous QWERTY keyboard, the still sometimes used Dvorak keyboard, the infrequently used DHIATENSOR keyboard, and less common QWERTZ, AZERTY, QZERTY, Colemak, Turkish-F, FITALY, ATOMIK, Maltron, PLUM, Asset, and Arensito keyboard layouts. Most recently, George and Neal created the QZIZZLE-PIZZLE keyboard, which is gaining popularity among hip-hop fans.


For unexplained reasons, George loves to bathe in Worcestershire sauce (which Dictionary.com defines as a "savory sauce of vinegar, soy sauce and spices"). In 2004, George bottled and sold the bathsauce under the moniker "George Juice". Its sales are considerable, and some believe it has medicinal uses. This is not to be confused with "Neal Juice", which you don't want to know the ingredients of.

 

Just a little background... - George Juice - It's tragically delicious.At least in theory. We've never actually tried it, but it sells like hotcakes!

George Juice - It's tragically delicious.

At least in theory. We've never actually tried it, but it sells like hotcakes!

Photo by: George


In 1978 George and Neal received the Nobel Peace Prize for their work for the Great Organization Over Development of the Global Relief of Idiocy Effort (GOOD GRIEF). In the span of three short years they managed to provide safe, secure environments for 90% of the world's idiots where they could live and breed without affecting the rest of society. Unfortunately the organization was disbanded in 1982 without George and Neal's consent. Today idiots have infiltrated every aspect of life and work everywhere from the local Wal-Mart to the top reaches of world governments and corporations.


A 1934 proposed amendment to the Constitution would have prevented George and Neal from having anything to do with interfering in global events again. Luckily George and Neal were able to organize a filibuster and then ear mark the bill with enough junk that no one wanted approved that the proposed amendment was eventually abandoned. Lucky us.


In 1983, George and Neal started the hair-metal/country band "Sorry-for-the-Hyphens". They gained a small cult following as a result of their minor semi-autobiographical hits, including: "This-Restraining-Order-Means-I-Love-You"; "Please-Don't-Throw-That-Toaster-In-The-Tub"; "If-Our-Love-Is-Like-Plumbing-Then-Quit-Treating-Me-Like-A-Toilet" and "Your-Heart,-Like-My-Assets,-Is-Frozen". The band dissolved when George started his acting career with the prime-time forensics drama "Sesame Heat - Furry Victims Unit" and Neal created a one-man play, "Batman and Robin Williams". Neither fared all that well.


In 1910 George and Neal, knowing the future issues that would be caused by the pollution from combustion engines, invented a highly efficient hydrogen powered car that ran on common bottled water; a 20oz bottle lasted 350 miles. Unfortunately bottled water hadn't been invented and George and Neal got tired of travelling forward and backward in time just to bring Evian back. Shortly after we stopped bringing water to the early 1900's the fledgling Ford Motor Company and Standard Oil were able to purchase the technology and pretend it never existed.

 

Just a little background... - This vehicle, with its over-sized Evian bottles, could travel over 12,000 miles before needing a refill.

This vehicle, with its over-sized Evian bottles, could travel over 12,000 miles before needing a refill.

Photo by: George


In 1937 George and Neal, while experimenting with a new potato gun in the central Pacific, accidentally shot down Amelia Earhart's airplane. They were able to rescue her from the wreckage and she ended up staying on the island with them for quite a while. After initial reservations, she finally gave in to Neal's romantic advances. Unsatisfied, she gave up on Neal and tried to seduce George. It was at this point that George and Neal decided to ask Amelia to join their super secret society of vanished celebrities. To date the super secret society consists of Amelia Earhart, Andy Kaufman, Elvis, Tupac Shakur, Notorious B.I.G., Stephen Foster, Hitler, Jimmy Hoffa, Bono, Sonny Bono, the original Cher, Kurt Cobain, Al Capone, Jim Morrison, Benjamin Franklin, Nikola Tesla, Jake the Snake Roberts, Atilla the Hun, Ludwig von Beethoven, Beavis & Butthead, Cleopatra, Shelley Long, Bronson Pinchot, William Hung, Jaleel White, Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, James Dean, Glen Miller, Marcus Schrenker, and the Fraggles. The plan is to bring everyone back in 2064 for a Vanished Celebrity Vaudeville Variety Hour world tour. Amelia will be doing her amazing basketball spinning trick.


In 1988, Neal and Billy Joel started a fire. Billy Joel denies it. In 2000, Carly Simon admitted she wrote "You're so Vain" about her 10-month, steamy love affair with George. Making it even more ironic, George had no idea the song was about him.

 

Just a little background... - Carly and Hotcakes, before the pain...

Carly and Hotcakes, before the pain...

Photo by: Neal


There are lots of stories about the Bermuda Triangle and how it causes ships and airplanes to mysteriously disappear. In actuality, this is the simply a side effect of George and Neal using their Time Travel technology. Every time we travel in time a time vortex opens in the Bermuda Triangle area and anything caught in its path is transported to a parallel universe. This effect also causes other objects in our universe to travel to a parallel universe, even if they are not located in the Bermuda Triangle. This is called the Unmatched Sock effect and is greatly exaggerated by the common household dryer. It also affects coins (although they tend to reappear under seat cushions), Barbie doll shoes, Matchbox Cars (but strangely not Hot Wheels), pen caps, and utility bills. The parallel universe looks very much like George's dorm room while at UIUC.


Area 51 - There is no such thing. I repeat, there is no such thing as Area 51. Area 51¾, however has been kept such a great secret by George and Neal that even the US government hasn't heard of it.


George and Neal are both virile, macho men - so much so that if they did not shave for two days, hair would grow all over their body, making them look "ape-like." Occasionally, they do not shave, but still appear in public. This explains the constant "bigfoot" sightings. Unknown to most, however, is that the name was derived from the fact that the hairy-George constantly appeared while carrying his Bigfoot convenience store cup.

 

Just a little background... - Later that day Neal shaved and went to dinner at Applebee's. No one suspected a thing.

Later that day Neal shaved and went to dinner at Applebee's. No one suspected a thing.

Photo by: George


In 1959, George and Neal did some other awesome stuff, and one thing they are both not very proud of. It involved a tray of ice, a can of motor oil, and an industrial-sized stapler. I don't want to talk about it. Let's move on. Please.


George and Neal taught Chuck Norris everything he knows about kicking ass and Bill Nye everything he knows about science.


Despite having a time machine, George and Neal are terrible procrastinators. In fact the time travelling makes things even worse because they just skip around due dates.


In about 480 AD the sun broke. In 1111 AD George and Neal invented a new, more efficient sun. That's why that period in history is known as the Dark Ages.

 

Just a little background... - When the old coal powered Sun started to peter out, George and Neal got on the job and brightened things up with our all new, efficient and clean, nuclear fusion powered Sun.

When the old coal powered Sun started to peter out, George and Neal got on the job and brightened things up with our all new, efficient and clean, nuclear fusion powered Sun.

Photo by: George


George and Neal can view the entire electromagnetic spectrum, not only visible light. This has many uses and has helped us with our amazing achievements. We are also able to listen to radio and watch TV by directly observing their transmission signals. However the downside is that we have to wear welders’ masks when we make microwave popcorn and sunglasses when using wi-fi internet access.


In September 1928, Neal and George decided to attempt to clone themselves so that future generations could benefit from their awesomeness. Neal believed he was on to something when he created "George Spores", which grew from George's feet. In reality, this was just Athlete's Foot, obtained by George while showering at the dorms at U of I. However, on the plus side, when Neal threw out his "George Spores" in Alexander Fleming's laboratory, it resulted in Fleming's discovery of Penicillin. So, millions of lives were once again saved by George's stinky feet.

 

Just a little background... - George Spores... Who knew they would be so beneficial. They are rather good looking though.

George Spores... Who knew they would be so beneficial. They are rather good looking though.

Photo by: George


In 711 AD on July 11th at 7:11pm George and Neal invented the convenience store. Then, in 1927 some guy named Joe Thompson completely ripped off our idea and is widely credited with inventing the convenience store. I guess it's our own fault though. We abandoned our stores in 718 AD leaving them in the care of the Saxons. How were we to know that Charlemagne would crush them nearly 100 years later? Oh yeah, never mind. Our bad. Anyway, Charlemagne ran the stores for a decade before dying and passing ownership on to his son Louis, who ran the stores into bankruptcy in just a few short decades.


On June 8, 793 AD George and Neal orchestrated the first Viking attack on England; the raid on the monastery of Lindisfarne in Northumbria. This was the beginning the Viking Age and nearly 300 years of Viking/English hostility until George and Neal helped the English win the Battle of Stamford Bridge in September of 1066. However we then helped Duke William of Normandy defeat King Harold II in the Battle of Hastings in October and become King William I of England.


In the mid-1990s, in an effort to assist law enforcement, Neal and George created a new lightweight, easy to use handcuff. To the shock and frustration of law enforcement across the nation, these new handcuffs were easily removable. As a result, hundreds of criminals roamed free because of Neal and George's invention. In an effort to turn lemons into lemonade, George and Neal renamed them Slap-Bracelets, and made millions because junior high kids loved them (almost as much as the criminals).


In 2540 BCE George and Neal designed and supervised the construction of the great Pyramid at Giza. We didn't use slave labor like many historians suspect though. Instead we paid our employees handsomely. We provided full benefits, including family health insurance, 401K with matching contributions, stock options, profit sharing, paid vacation, travel reimbursement, relocation fees, and more. Our first 500 workers even got generous signing bonuses. Our construction company, called The Pyramid Scheme, was extremely successful and even went international, with various other designs built in places as far away as Sumeria (most notably in the city of Ur), China, Tlachihualtepetl and Tiwanaku in the Inca Empire, Hellinikon in Greece, for the Maori in Polynesia, North America, Africa, and even a few in Alaska and one in Antarctica.

 

Just a little background... - Don't worry, we met with their union representatives and came to an agreement. We provided them with additional healthcare coverage and time off and they agreed to a 2% pay reduction. Also, we turned up the heat (Egypt was pretty cold back then). The project was completed on schedule (without resorting to the time machine), quite an accomplishment for George and Neal.

Don't worry, we met with their union representatives and came to an agreement. We provided them with additional healthcare coverage and time off and they agreed to a 2% pay reduction. Also, we turned up the heat (Egypt was pretty cold back then). The project was completed on schedule (without resorting to the time machine), quite an accomplishment for George and Neal.

Photo by: George


On and off for 35,000 years George and Neal worked on hollowing out the Earth. The dirt we hauled out was used to make the moon. The interior of the Earth is inhabited by numerous prehistoric creatures, fantastic races of humans, and even creatures that the rest of the world believes to be mythical (unicorns, giants, C.H.U.D.s, cyclops, Paris Hilton, minotaurs, dragons, and smurfs are just a few). Our hollowed out Earth has inspired numerous stories (Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth, Edgar Allan Poe's The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket, Scrooge McDuck's Land Beneath the Ground!, and Frank C. Baxter's The Mole People to name a few) as well as pseudo-scientific cults like The Thule Society and the Steven Currey Expeditions who believe this is a natural phenomenon. It has also given rise to the theory that the moon is also hollow, which is just absurd.


In 1951, George and Neal decided to make a line of "Love Aid Rings" to sell to the public. Neal designed them based upon his own body, which he felt was of average proportion and size. People were not ready for such a product back in the 50's. That's okay, because they made a fortune after connecting the two ends to form a large hoop and re-marketing the product as the "hula hoop".

 

Just a little background... - Neal's "Love Aid Rings" got much more use, and brought joy to many more people in their modified "Hula Hoop" form. These women were much less excited when they tried these out as "Love Aid Rings".

Neal's "Love Aid Rings" got much more use, and brought joy to many more people in their modified "Hula Hoop" form. These women were much less excited when they tried these out as "Love Aid Rings".

Photo by: George


In 1758 George and Neal invented tooth paste. Their first attempt was made from actual ground up teeth and was used to hold in dentures, but eventually they came up with a recipe for a tooth whitening and cleaning paste. In 1794 George and Neal invented the tooth brush to make applying the paste easier. We originally called it the "Ultra-Mega Teeth Brushing and Cleaning System", but Congress shortened that to "Tooth Brush", considering that most people by that time only had one or two teeth. Unfortunately, due to several obscure laws, the dental hygiene products are still unable to be sold or even used in Britain and Indiana.


In 1983 Neal and George co-wrote a short story that chronicled their adventures from 1964 through 1969. The story was well received in the literary community and we received several offers to turn the story into full length novels. We approved two authors to take our story and develop their own interpretations. Both books (the latter actually a series of four books) became best sellers and eventually were turned into screenplays as well. Band of Brothers was a huge success as an HBO mini-series. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants also became a box-office hit and spawned a sequel movie that actually was more true to actual events than the books.

 

Just a little background... - So very much happened during those five years.

So very much happened during those five years.

Photo by: Neal


In 2000 BCE, Neal and George traveled to the English county of Wiltshire to participate in the yearly Feats of Strength!™. George lifted a cow (using his secret muscle enhancing device created, conveniently enough, by Neal and George years earlier, which was actually 1983 thanks to the time machine - don't think too hard about this, it might hurt your head). Not to be outdone, Neal lifted a cow and a boulder (he did not use the muscle enhancer; he's just that awesome). In disgust, George threw a boulder at Neal's head. Neal retaliated by throwing a series of rocks at George. This went back and forth for hours. After Neal and George called a truce - and after the townsfolk ran off in fear of being clocked in the noggin by a large rock - they rested on the piles of rocks they created, now called Stonehenge. Yeah, it happened just like that.


In March of 2009 George went back to February of 2009 and added another entry to this list of great accomplishments. This was George's laziest way to pass the ball back to Neal to add another entry to the list of great accomplishments. Neal then did the same thing. Your move, George!


In 1992 George and Neal starred in the blockbuster action hit "Under Siege". George starred as the ex-Navy SEAL turned cook who must protect an aircraft carrier from a group of mercenaries. Neal starred as the helpless stripper that jumped out of a birthday cake at the wrong time.

 

Just a little background... - George and Neal in their respective roles for the blockbuster hit, "Under Siege". Do a search - Neal's picture is all over the internet for this scene.

George and Neal in their respective roles for the blockbuster hit, "Under Siege". Do a search - Neal's picture is all over the internet for this scene.

Photo by: George


In 1920, George unfortunately lost millions investing in a ponzi scheme, in which his investments were used to pay earlier investors. In 1979, Neal lost millions investing in a Fonzi scheme, in which his investments were used to pay Ralph Malph. George was able to make his money back though by traveling to 1979, posing as Ralph Malph, taking Neal's money back to 1918, investing in the same ponzi scheme that he would later lose his money, and thus becoming one of those early investors that made a fortune. Neal, however, is still looking for Ralph Malph but will never find him.

 

Just a little background... - I'll find you, Malph. Wherever you are.

I'll find you, Malph. Wherever you are.

Photo by: Neal


In an effort to find a way to accurately predict the weather, Neal and George devised a weather-prediction machine, which was comprised of a series of pulleys and levers connected to highly explosive nitroglycerin. This invention did nothing - except result in Neal and George both losing their eyebrows for a month. The invention was considered a failure by most of George and Neal's fans (who collectively form the fanclub Neo-Geo, not to be confused with the failed 1990s gaming system of the same name). It is considered a failure both as a result of the inventors' lack of foresight, as well as the fact that as of 2005 (when they did their experiment), accurate weather forecasting had existed for hundreds of years.

 

Just a little background... - Above: Hardware entirely unrelated to the Neo-Geo fan club. Well, unless if there is another fan club of the same name which is not devoted entirely to the accomplishments of George and Neal, but rather to celebrate a failed gaming console. In that case, disregard this comment, at least as it relates to that club.

Above: Hardware entirely unrelated to the Neo-Geo fan club. Well, unless if there is another fan club of the same name which is not devoted entirely to the accomplishments of George and Neal, but rather to celebrate a failed gaming console. In that case, disregard this comment, at least as it relates to that club.

Photo by: Neal


Riding the success of their 1992 appearance in Under Siege, George and Neal opened a cake delivery business called "Under Siege 2: Dark (Chocolate) Territory". George would bake the cakes and deliver them and Neal would jump out of them. This was a very successful business until August, 1998, when Neal believed he was being sent to a bachelorette party. At the designated time Neal leaped out of the cake and began shaking his stuff while bills got stuffed into his speedo. After about 10 minutes Neal realized that the laughs were slightly deeper than what he would expect from a bachelorette party. Upon wiping the whipped cream from his eyes Neal realized he was actually at Jerry Falwell's 65th birthday party and Mr. Falwell was just about to stuff another $20 into Neal's G-String. Neal shouted and ran, closely followed by a mob of seniors stuffing change down his coin slot, toward the door yelling for George to "Start the van! Start the van!" Neal escaped with a whopping $1,642.63 in those 10 short minutes, not including the roll of quarters he kept stuffed in his banana hammock.

 

Just a little background... - Taken just seconds before Neal took off running, much to Jerry and Pat's disappointment.

Taken just seconds before Neal took off running, much to Jerry and Pat's disappointment.

Photo by: George


In an effort to avoid paying taxes on his massive fortune, in 1935, Neal established the first truly secular religion, Nealism. Honoring the tenets of this religion involved eating lots of chocolate, sleeping, makin' sweet love down by the fire, and playing video games (the latter being extremely difficult in 1935). Wanting to follow in Neal's footsteps, George created his own religion in 1944, called The First United Orthodox Church of Georgish Science. George amazed his followers by constantly quoting from the Simpsons and the Blues Brothers. Since neither had been created in 1944, his people found George to be the funniest, wittiest man alive.


In 1950 George created a comic strip about a short bald kid that everyone picked on. The strip competed closely with another very similar comic strip for decades. Each week George would come up with a great idea only to have it copied almost exactly by the other strip the following week. For some reason that other strip gained fame and notoriety and George's strip never left the pages of some obscure publications. So remember, Sam Tan and his pals were the original Pistachio Kids and that rag-tag Peanuts gang was just a bunch of copy cats. Neal also started a comic strip about a feisty cat named Garfcliff in 1970, but due to mismanagement Neal was forced by the government to divide up his strip and sell off the separate components, thus resulting in two successful comic strips. Garfield and Heathcliff fared much better without Neal's guidance.


In 1969, George was up for the role as Greg Brady on the show The Brady Bunch. However, George did not get the part due to "accidentally" throwing a football at Maureen McCormick's face after she rejected his awkward advances (well, at least, they were awkward in 1969. Offering to show someone your hard drive didn't work back then. Well, actually, it doesn't work now, either. What were you thinking, George?). On the plus side, the football-in-Marsha's-nose bit ended up in a later episode. George received no compensation, as the show's producers claim that Eve Plumb came up with the idea of causing injury to Marsha's face. Neal was also determined to land a role in a 70s television show, but could not do so, probably because he kept trying out for roles that he was obviously not a match for (such as Mr. Roeper and/or Mrs. Roeper of Three's Company fame).


680 Million years ago George and Neal were snooping around prehistoric earth studying ancient single celled organisms. When they left, Neal absentmindedly left their Taylor Wharton LABS-40K Cryogenic Freezer system behind when we were packing up to return home. Unfortunately he also left the lid open, causing a drastic decrease in the Earth's temperature. Earth slowly cooled to the point that it was entirely frozen. For over 30 Million years Earth was covered in a thick glacial layer of ice and snow, a period some scientists refer to as Snowball Earth. This frozen period in Earth's prehistory caused the delay of the development of multicellular life forms by 33,456,721 years, 6 months and 4 days (give or take a few weeks). So what is now 2009 AD should actually be the year 33,458,730 AD and human kind should have already evolved beyond the need for physical bodies, in fact far beyond what humans are even capable of fathoming. We can thank Neal for millions of years of setback.

 

Just a little background... - If Neal would have only remembered to shut the darn lid... We could be surfing the cosmos as pure energy right now instead of puttering about on this archaic thing we call the internet.

If Neal would have only remembered to shut the darn lid... We could be surfing the cosmos as pure energy right now instead of puttering about on this archaic thing we call the internet.

Photo by: George


Through a series of mishaps and mistaken identities, for a three-day period in 1943 George and Neal assumed the position of President and Vice President of the United States. Before the mistake was corrected, George and Neal passed a series of laws that, in 1943, made little sense and were ignored. In 2008, Neal and George were paid a check for multiple millions of dollars as a result of the 1943 "Human Fund" Act. Also, January 31st was proclaimed a national holiday ("Neal Simon Kickass Day") as was April 4 ("Smell Like George Day").

 

Just a little background... - Ah... Couldn't've been any worse than the Bush years.

Ah... Couldn't've been any worse than the Bush years.

Photo by: Neal


In 2068 George and Neal invented the PDD Reactor, a source of nearly endless energy. It converts Poopy Disposable Diapers into highly efficient energy. Unfortunately, when they invented the PDD Reactor there was no such thing as disposable diapers. So Neal and George went back to 1950 to invent the disposable diaper. By the time 2068 rolled around there was enough fuel stockpiled to run the PDD Reactor indefinitely.


In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The George & Neal Team.

 

Just a little background... - Don't let their looks fool you; George and Neal were the brains and muscle in this outfit.

Don't let their looks fool you; George and Neal were the brains and muscle in this outfit.

Photo by: George


In 2009, Neal suffered such a massive case of writer's block that his brain literally tried to leave his body by jumping out of his nose. This escape attempt did not work, as Neal's brain got stuck somewhere in his nasal cavity, causing Neal's nose to swell up like a big red balloon. Ever the helpful friend, George took Neal back in time (circa 1938) to a special doctor that he heard could help - Dr. Robert L. May. Unfortunately, Dr. May had been down on his luck financially, and after assisting Neal, the good doctor decided to profit from the situation by writing the story, "Neal, the Red Nosed Ignoramus". Later drafts altered the story such that Neal was a Reindeer named Rudolph. The remainder of the story continued to be a surprisingly accurate account of what happened to Neal that year.


George and Neal were once part of the rock band KISS, but left the band in 1974 because they didn't think makeup of a raccoon and chimp respectively was cool enough. They also tried to convince Peter Criss to come with, but he seemed to like the cat makeup. Peter Criss did eventually leave the band in 1980 but kept returning and quitting the band throughout the years. In 1994 George and Neal became nostalgic for the KISS years and grew fond of the raccoon and chimp makeup and are now rarely seen in public without it.


George was originally cast in the lead role as Michael Knight for the 1980's TV series Knight Rider, however due to conflicting interests (George was in the process of developing an actual artificial intelligence for a car, as well as a "human-like orifice" - what was that about, George?) he had to refuse the role. Neal was also approached to play a role in the TV series, but he didn't pass the audition process. The producers said he used too much emotion in his portrayal of a talking car. They also thought the voice over part for the car should be played by someone wearing more than platform shoes and a cape. Neal refused to compromise on his artistic interpretation of the part. Neal's love of the platform shoe and cape was the inspiration for Sesame Street's "The Count" - not Dracula, as most people believe was the basis for the character.

 

Just a little background... - Above: what could have been.... But for the conflict of interest, George would have taken the role of Michael Knight, and would have went on to star in Baywatch, and sung arguably acceptable quality rock songs as the Berlin Wall came down. Hasselhoff, on the other hand, would have gone on to star in hundreds of adult films, including "Degradation She Wrote", "Smoke the Bandit", and "Not So Different Strokes". The jury is still out as to which would have been a better reality.

Above: what could have been.... But for the conflict of interest, George would have taken the role of Michael Knight, and would have went on to star in Baywatch, and sung arguably acceptable quality rock songs as the Berlin Wall came down. Hasselhoff, on the other hand, would have gone on to star in hundreds of adult films, including "Degradation She Wrote", "Smoke the Bandit", and "Not So Different Strokes". The jury is still out as to which would have been a better reality.

Photo by: Neal


In 1970, Neal and George went back in time to punch Frank Sinatra in the gut. Not because we had anything against Frank Sinatra per se, but rather because as George put it, "hey, we have a time machine, wouldn't that be just awesome to do?" To which Neal replied, "Cooooool...." What was less cool was the fact that after gut-punching Sinatra, Neal and George were beaten senseless by Sinatra's "buddies". Johnny "No Thumbs" was especially rough on George and Neal.


In 1982 Neal and George played the roles of Coy and Vance respectively when John Schneider and Tom Wopat (Bo and Luke) walked off the set of the Dukes of Hazzard due to salary and royalty disputes. Coy and Vance's appearance was a huge hit with fans of the show and as a result of their success they demanded an unbelievable salary to reprise their roles of Coy and Vance Duke the following season. Unfortunately the producers couldn't afford the high price associated with Neal and George's infamy and the terms Schneider and Wopat were asking for suddenly looked more affordable. Thus Bo and Luke returned for the remainder of the show's run.

 

Just a little background... - In addition to the outrageous sums of money Neal and George were demanding, the network just couldn't justify changing the name of the General Lee. They don't know what they were missing...

In addition to the outrageous sums of money Neal and George were demanding, the network just couldn't justify changing the name of the General Lee. They don't know what they were missing...

Photo by: George


In 2013, Neal and George totally negated existence as a result of a time paradox created by the two. In 2015, Neal and George totally fixed the problem. But... how could that possibly have happened, if they negated existence? My head hurts. Oh, also, Neal squished a bug back in prehistoric times, which had little effect on human evolution, except that we no longer have the ability to fly. Whoops.

 

Just a little background... - Taken in 2014, right in the middle of the period when existence was negated. Yup, the absence of everything is lavender colored.

Taken in 2014, right in the middle of the period when existence was negated. Yup, the absence of everything is lavender colored.

Photo by: George


In 1974 George and Neal prevented a hostile takeover of the US by an army of chainsaw wielding raccoons. We did this by training squirrels to use nail guns to take out the raccoons. Unfortunately the squirrels got too sure of themselves and started taking out peanut vendors at sporting events. George and Neal solved this problem by meeting with the squirrels without preconditions. They agreed to stop shooting peanut vendors if we agreed to lift economic sanctions against their home nation of Sciuridaetopia.


(Ahem). In 2040, Neal offered a new service to the general public, wherein he would transport people on his back while riding on roller skates. He called it "Neal's On Wheels". Not to be outdone, George provided a service wherein he hid food all over the metropolitan Chicago area for patrons to find and eat. He called it "George's Forage". When that didn't work, because food was usually partially eaten by the large packs of feral mongooses that will roam the streets of Chicago in 2040, he started "George's Porridge", although this led to a lawsuit from an adult movie studio, who claimed the name "George's Porridge" was the title of a long-running (but mediocre selling) line of movies.

 

Just a little background... - Sure they look cute, but when you have thousands of these little guys trying to cross Lake Shore Drive it tends to get messy... Cabbies don't like to stop.

Sure they look cute, but when you have thousands of these little guys trying to cross Lake Shore Drive it tends to get messy... Cabbies don't like to stop.

Photo by: George


In 1927 there were actually 14 months to the year. Elevember came after December and Simbulary came after April. Earth revolved around the sun a bit slower than it does now. But during beta testing of the whoopee cushion, George and Neal accidentally accelerated the Earth's average speed from approximately 56,146 mph to 66,622 miles per hour, resulting in the year being 61 days shorter. The final version of the whoopee cushion was significantly less powerful.


In 1014, George founded the Kingdom of Northeast Georgia, and became King George I (known affectionately as iKing). Beginning in October of that year iKing George commenced an insane endeavor to name everyone and everything George, or variations thereof.

 

Just a little background... - Just like the Kingdom of Northeast Georgia.

Just like the Kingdom of Northeast Georgia.

Photo by: Neal

Similar to the show The Smurfs (which was based on the historical Kingdom of Northeast Georgia - Neal was the basis for Gargamel), where everything was "Smurfy", everything in Georgia was "Georgie". (And also similar to the Smurfs, sentences like "Did you George the George on that George, man? Utterly Georgtastic!" were common.) In a complete and utter contradiction to his policies, George named his son "Bagrat" and his daughter "Guarandukht". (You can totally wikipedia that stuff, man. Totally.) In 2010, to honor his friend, Neal guaranteed that his next child would be named either "Bagrat" or "Guarandukht". As an aside, Bagrat is actually George's Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Grandfather, which poses all sorts of delicious paradoxes, the likes of which could literally make a quantum physicist's head implode. This paradox is set to be storylines on upcoming episodes of "Lost" and "So You Think You Can Dance".


In 2014, after declaring bankruptcy and losing everything, George and Neal came to their rescue and offered both Rod Blagojevich and Donald Trump an opportunity to stop living on the streets of Chicago and sharing a cardboard box behind Tony Rezko's house (i.e. under the El tracks on Van Buren and Clark). In 2015 the SyFy channel aired a special live presentation of ECW Wrestling. The match-up was a bloody battle between Blago's and Trump's hair. The 6 hour battle was called a draw but ended up spawning a spin-off show called "Law and Order and Corruption - You're Fired Unit", which aired on NBC after "Law and Order - Not Quite As Special Victims Unit", before "Law and Order - Criminal Negligence", on alternate weeks with "Law and Order - Park District Squad" but only during the off season for "Law and Order - Police Brutality".


In 1991, Neal organized a protest against brutality toward unicorns called Beating Unicorns is Totally Tasteless, or B.U.T.T. Decades later, George informed Neal that the unicorns were only mythical and that Neal's protest was essentially imaginary. Neal didn't care. He just wanted an excuse not to shower. On the plus side, among Neal's 27 distinct stenches, George discovered the pheromone that attracts Bison. As a result of George's hard work and Neal's diligent avoidance of water (as well as the general public's great sacrifice for putting up with Neal's diverse odors), the American Bison is currently making a comeback. An award was presented to George. Neal's award was mailed to him.


You know the saying "No means no", well, in 1929 a glitch in George and Neal's teleportation device actually caused a rift in the definition continuum, causing "No" to actually mean "Yes" for about six hours on October 24th. This caused a lot of confusion, especially in the financial sectors. Luckily George and Neal discovered the problem, however during their attempts to fix it there were brief periods where "No" meant "Maybe", "What's it to you?", "Ask me tomorrow.", and "Fred".


For a brief time in 1963, Neal and George became super heroes, using the pseudonym "Captain Gooey" and "The Incredible Taint", respectively. Their foray into costumed adventures was cut short sadly, due to a restraining order (which I am restricted from discussing). Neal and George gained financially, however, as they sued Activision for improper use of their likeness rights, in the bestselling adult themed video game, "Smegman vs. The Overwhelming Taint."


In 1990, George began producing Martha Stewart's new cooking show, "Cookin' with Martha and Neal". The show ran for two very successful seasons; however, relations between Martha and Neal became strained, resulting in an on-air, climactic and violent fight between the two. Neal did not count on Martha's extremely long reach and proficiency with kitchen knives, and as a result he suffered greatly.

 

Just a little background... - She'd as soon kill you as look at you.

She'd as soon kill you as look at you.

Photo by: Neal

Thankfully, George managed to bring Neal's corpse to the year 2050, where Neal was resuscitated. As a practical joke, George had Neal's testicles enlarged 500% and moved to his back. Surprisingly, Neal liked the new look, and his coinpurse remains unreasonably gigantic and misplaced to this day.


For a few years near the end of the 19th century George and Neal organized several bands of outlaws and robbed banks and trains in the old west. We were actually the masterminds behind Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch Gang's Union Pacific train holdup at Wilcox, Wyoming in 1899 and also the James-Younger gang's Kansas Pacific Railroad holdup near Muncie, Kansas, in 1874. They also helped the Newton Boys with their infamous postal train heist in Rondout, Illinois in 1924. George went by the name of "The Whitewash Kid" and Neal took the pseudonym "Kneal S. Iman", yeah real original.

 

Just a little background... - Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch circa 1901. Front row left to right: Harry A. Longabaugh, alias the Sundance Kid, Ben Kilpatrick, alias the Tall Texan, Robert Leroy Parker, alias Butch Cassidy; Standing: Will Carver; George Jaros alias the Whitewash Kid; Harvey Logan, alias Kid Curry; Neal Simon, alias Kneal S. Iman.

Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch circa 1901. Front row left to right: Harry A. Longabaugh, alias the Sundance Kid, Ben Kilpatrick, alias the Tall Texan, Robert Leroy Parker, alias Butch Cassidy; Standing: Will Carver; George Jaros alias the Whitewash Kid; Harvey Logan, alias Kid Curry; Neal Simon, alias Kneal S. Iman.

Photo by: George


In 1954, Neal and George worked in Japan assisting scientists with all sorts of experiments. (The boys secretly volunteered because they enjoyed drinking random test tubes of unknown substances in hopes of becoming giddily intoxicated). Unfortunately, the scientists' atomic testing awoke a furious Godzilla, which began destroying everything in sight. Fortunately, all of the genetic testing performed on George and Neal caused them to grow to epic proportions.

 

Just a little background... - Godzilla is moderately annoyed.

Godzilla is moderately annoyed.

Photo by: Neal

George sprang into action, hitting Godzilla repeatedly with a broom. (Why a broom? Who knows? Maybe George couldn't find his purse.) Neal did not help in any meaningful way during the battle. Instead, he merely stood around, flexing his new gigantic muscles. After the rampage, Neal and George's bodies reverted back to their original size. Their heads, however, remained extremely gigantic for many years. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise, and they became highly compensated, successful models for Pep Boys.

 

Pep Boys: The Origin - Sadly, this doesn't look all that different than what we normally look like.

Sadly, this doesn't look all that different than what we normally look like.

Photo by: Neal


George and Neal have enjoyed starting format wars throughout the years. They are responsible for the infamous "Betamax vs VHS vs Video 2000 Conflict", "Battle of the PC and Mac", "AC/DC - The War of Currents", "The Cylinder Records vs Disk Records Conundrum", "8-Track / 4-Track / Compact Cassette / Microcassette Battle Royal", and the latest "Blu-ray vs HD DVD Duel", the "Eternal Cola Wars", and the "Great Soda/Pop Debate" (which they recently tried to resolve by proposing the crowd pleasing 'Jaguanst' - we really don't care what you think Andy), and the original "Lungs over Gills Conflict", among others. Not all of our instigations were successful though. The "Player Piano Dilemma" was averted in 1908, no one really cared at all about the "Green or Neerg Argument" and the "Round/Square Wheel Debate" was short lived. But in all, we're happy with the confusion we've generated.


In the mid 1980's, Neal and George were hired by ABC to produce a series of after-school specials. Those of you who grew up in the 80's may remember (and still be traumatized by) their shows, including the safety episode, "Where did my thumb go?: Little Sammy's Shop Class Adventure"; the puberty/safe-sex episode "What's Growin' On You Could Kill You If You Use It Wrong"; the stranger-danger episode, "The Man Asking You to Sit on His Lap and Asking You To Whisper What You Want Is Not Really Santa Claus"; and the anti-drug episode, "Cocaine Will Prevent You From Success, the George W. Bush Story" (who knew in the 80's?). Surprisingly, it took three years before they were fired for their incompetence - heck, before they were fired, they even aired the confusing and long-titled episode "Don't Trust What TV Tells You To Do Except For This Show In Which Case You Should Trust It Entirely Because We Are Always Right And Have the Right To Tell You How To Live Your Life, And Hey, If We Don't Tell You To Brush Your Teeth And Stop Picking On Kids In Glasses How Will You Ever Learn These Lessons?".


On a trip back to 1227 BCE George and Neal discovered that dragons did in fact inhabit major portions of the earth. Different species of dragons lived and thrived all across Europe and Asia. Sadly, on a separate trip to 1098 BC dragons appeared to be extinct. We couldn't find a single dragon anywhere. Sometime during those 129 years dragons completely disappeared. In an effort to preserve the magnificent creatures, in 2029 AD we founded the Dragon Rescue Society and built several Wild Dragon Refuges around the world. Then we went back to 1225 BC and began an enormous rescue effort. We used all the teleportation and time travel tools at our disposal to create an entire team of over 1000 Georges and Neals (it was the only time in history that we were able to coordinate such a paradoxical meeting of so many of ourselves). For 112 years we scoured the globe and captured dragons of all types. We collected dragon eggs, captured hatchlings, and even grand old dragon masters. It was a huge effort, but we managed to rescue every last dragon and bring them to our carefully constructed habitats in 2029. We are happy to say that by 1113 BC not a single dragon was left behind. We had captured every last one of them and saved them all from the impending extinction in 1098 BC.


In the year 1234 George and Neal threw a year-long party because that's just a really cool number for a year. George and Neal refuse to go to the year 4321, in an effort to avoid being redundant.


In 2014, Neal and George created the website, "Oybay", the very first auction website devoted entirely to the sale and purchase of Jewish items.

 

Just a little background... - Eh... You can't beat such a deal!

Eh... You can't beat such a deal!

Photo by: Neal


In 2018 George and Neal discovered a cure for the common cold. Well, not really discovered, but just stumbled upon. Well, not really stumbled upon, more like it was stuck in the pocket of an old pair of pants that Neal hadn't worn since 2009. Sure it had gone through the wash, but it still worked!


Given the success of the novel (and soon to be movie) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (a mashup story combining Jane Austen's classic 1813 novel Pride and Prejudice with elements of modern zombie fiction), Neal and George decided to pen a few of their own novels. George wrote "Different Strokes of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre" a riveting tale about a family with cute adoptive kids who go on murderous sprees (when you hear "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout?" you better RUN!). Neal decided to write the kid-friendly "Cujo vs. Clifford" in which Clifford the Big Red Dog convinces Cujo to go to the vet to get rabies shots. The two joined forces on the lovable undead family comedic drama, "Mummy Dearest". None of the aforementioned books have been optioned as movies, and many literary organizations have banded together to prevent Neal and George from ever writing another word again.

 

Just a little background... - Not surprisingly, Ms. Garrett was the mastermind behind it all.

Not surprisingly, Ms. Garrett was the mastermind behind it all.

Photo by: Neal

"Word" - Ha, they failed to stop us!


From October 1907 to May 1909 George and Neal camped out at the North Pole. We're not sure why exactly since it was very cold, there wasn't much to eat, and the wi-fi reception was awful. We did enjoy the visit in April 1908 from Dr. Fredrick Cook though. We were supposed to have a visit in 1909 from Robert Peary, but he never showed up.


Although principles of space-time restrict George and Neal from interacting with their older or younger selves (without proper precautions there is a high risk of imploding the universe - also, doing so causes all baked goods to smell like old cheese for some reason), Neal and George decided, what the hey, let's see what we're like as old men. George fortunately found out that he seemed to have discovered an elixir that caused him to age in reverse a la Benjamin Button. Here is George at age 160:

 

Just a little background... - He'd as soon kill you as look at you.

He'd as soon kill you as look at you.

Photo by: Neal

Neal, on the other hand, immediately suffered a minor heart attack and still suffers from what is likely a form of post traumatic stress disorder upon discovering what he'd look like later in life:

 

Aging ungracefully... - Neal at the ripe old age of 40.

Neal at the ripe old age of 40.

Photo by: Neal

And that's just age 40.


Gutzon Borglum originally had six faces carved on Mount Rushmore. The busts of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, and Abe Lincoln were flanked by Neal Simon (next to Washington) and George Jaros (next to Lincoln) to honor us for our countless contributions to human civilization. However, a freak thunderstorm in 1968 caused the faces of George and Neal to fall off the monument.

 

Just a little background... - The original Mount Rushmore.

The original Mount Rushmore.

Photo by: George

A new monument nearby has been in the works for quite a while. Its developmental codename is the "Crazy Horse Memorial", but will most likely be released with a final name of "Jar-mon Mountain" or something similar.

 

Jar-mon Mountain - The in-progress Crazy Horse Monument and a model of what the finished sculpture will look like.

The in-progress Crazy Horse Monument and a model of what the finished sculpture will look like.

Photo by: George


In 2030, Neal became a monosyllabic, drooling, undead zombie. No one noticed the difference until 2033.


After the success of the show "The L-Word", Neal and George produced a television show based upon Neal's life. In retrospect, it should have been obvious that a television show called "The N-Word" was destined for failure. The show based on George's life, "It's a G Thang" also didn't fare well, but didn't rack up quite as many law suits.

 

Just a little background... - Above: an extremely poorly conceived idea.

Above: an extremely poorly conceived idea.

Photo by: Neal


In April 2097 George and Neal released the long anticipated video game, Duke Nukem Forever, only 100 years after it was announced. Contrary to popular belief the project was never cancelled, was not a myth, and really did take 100 years of work to develop. Just wait until you get to play it. It will kick your ass and then go in search of more bubblegum.


In 1982, Neal and George wrote, produced, and starred in the off-Broadway musical, "Fingers of Doom!: the Helen Keller Story." The play, which had an all-ninja cast, was a rousing success. The musical ended up winning two Tony's and garnered such praise as:

"The whimsical comedy is packed with clever ideas and has an engaging cast to bring these cartoonish figures to life..." - San Diego Times

"...as cerebral as it is emotional." - D. Braunagel

"Hits you like a sledgehammer with its astounding, stunningly creepy presentation... Two Thumbs Up!" - R. Ebert

The Helen Keller musical was later adapted as a video game, originally titled "Helen Keller Will Destroy You!" but was subsequently retitled "Mortal Kombat." The video game was also successful, though it lacked the political subtext of the play, as well as the original final boss Helen "The Killer" Keller.

 

Just a little background... - It was an instant classic...

It was an instant classic...

Photo by: George


In 1965 George and Neal invented an odd-looking but versatile garment that everyone needs. In 1971 we licensed the story of the growing Thneed industry to Dr. Seuss who wrote the story "The Lorax". Fortunately the story was an exaggeration of what could happen, but we were much more responsible with our manufacturing process, using only cutting edge sustainable technology, including using biofuels, 99% recycling efforts, solar cells and solar collectors to generate heat and electricity, reforestation projects, and more. Our patented Thneed Manufacturing Process was so low impact that most people don't even know it existed. And I guess that was our downfall. No one bought our Thneeds. In 2008 George brought suit against Fosdick Corporation, the company which markets the Snuggie, a blatant rip-off of the Thneed. Neal also filed suit against Fosdick Corporation, but because they are using the trademarked name he uses for his line of underwear (which he exclusively models). Neal's Fosdick Tighty Whiteys sell worse than the Thneeds...


In 1981, George created a ground-breaking side-scrolling video game, Super George Brothers. The game chronicled George's love of eating weird mushrooms he would find on the ground, running around without a shirt, and his penchant for jumping on turtles (George had issues back then, which he has since resolved. However, he still goes into nervous convulsions when he sees a turtle poking its head out.)

 

Just a little background... - George's macho style was sadly covered in clothes in the Nintendo remake.

George's macho style was sadly covered in clothes in the Nintendo remake.

Photo by: Neal


Unfortunately, after George's Basket Ball Company, Play With George's Balls!, experienced significant losses due to lawsuits surrounding his latest game, "Grab George's Nutballs" (in which players were encouraged to fight other players in order to keep a ball filled entirely with peanuts), George was forced to sell his video game to the Nintendo Corporation in 1985 so that he could defend the lawsuits.

Undiscouraged by this setback, George teamed up with Neal to develop another video game, this time based upon Neal's chosen career in family law. After years of development, George and Neal are set to debut their game, Divorce Court Hero, in 2013.

 

Divorce Court Hero - Break up marriages for fun and profit!

Break up marriages for fun and profit!

Photo by: Neal


In a landmark, decade long study that George and Neal published the results of in 2012, it was discovered that the biggest cause of global warming was actually the consumption of carbonated beverages. Every can or bottle of jaguanst (that's soda or pop to you unenlightened ones) consumed by the world's population releases a small amount of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. All that fizz really adds up. As a result of the study world governments immediately banned all carbonated beverages, resulting in dramatic reductions in CO2 emissions around the globe. Subsequently, the drastic cooling effect caused the beginning of the next ice age by 2015.


Neal does not like the taste of fish. In 2000, George decided to help out Neal by playing around with genetics to create the first fish that tasted like chicken. Unfortunately, this backfired, and now nearly all chickens found in the Midwest taste like fish. Undeterred, George and Neal found themselves immersed in the complicated world of genetics. Despite a plethora of cease-and-desist orders from the most prominent scientific communities, George created the first gir-rilla (pronounced Jer-rilla):

 

Just a little background... - Nature just threw up a little in its mouth.

Nature just threw up a little in its mouth.

Photo by: Neal

Not to be outdone, Neal created the world's first Dat, which won 2nd prize at the Westminster Freakshow:

 

Westminster Freakshow - This is where we jumped the shark, genetically speaking.

This is where we jumped the shark, genetically speaking.

Photo by: Neal

Between 2000-2004, Neal and George fervently created more and more hybrid animals, the likes of which this world has never seen (including the Zebruck, the pengagroo, and the hipponaucerous, a personal favorite). However, George and Neal ceased entirely working in the realm of genetics when a bearpotomus and an ostrephant had a mutant baby so terrifying, so disgusting, that it cannot be adequately described. Here's a picture:

 

Bearpotomus X Ostrephant - No wait. HERE'S where we jumped the shark, genetically speaking.

No wait. HERE'S where we jumped the shark, genetically speaking.

Photo by: Neal

After this abomination was spewn forth, George and Neal decided to call it a day, and destroyed each and every hybrid creature they created.

....Well, except for the platypus. We love that little guy.


In 1994 George and Neal prevented a hostile takeover of the US by an army of chainsaw wielding raccoons (yes, again). Luckily our nail gun firing squirrels that we trained in the 1974 incursion had multiplied (like rodents are prone to do) as had their arsenal. Because of George and Neal's diplomacy (and a few strategically placed peanut bribes) their nation of Sciuridaetopia sent their Sciuridaetopian National Independent Commando Killing Elite Reactionary Squirrel team (S.N.I.C.K.E.R.S.) to save us all from having to eat out of garbage cans and dip our food in water once again (although Neal does tend to enjoy his meals that way occasionally).

 

Just a little background... - This raccoon stood no chance against the lightsaber wielding rodents...

This raccoon stood no chance against the lightsaber wielding rodents...

Photo by: George


In an effort to compete with Facebook, during 2011, Neal and George created the newest online community, HeadPeriodical. Seen by most as a cheap rip-off and inferior to FB, the website was largely dismissed. Their advertising campaign, "Because Your Grandma Thinks You're Cool" made little sense and did little to help.


In 1991, Neal and George were beaten up by "Marky Mark" Wahlberg and 1 member of his Funky Bunch (specifically, Hector the Bootie Inspector). After knocking Neal and George unconscious, Marky and Hector took their clothes. On the plus side, Neal's tremendous *ahem* character inspired Mark Walhberg's character, Dirk Diggler, in the movie Boogie Nights. George also inspired Mark Wahlberg's character in his forthcoming movie, Little People, because all people look little compared to George.


In 1991 Neal was found dead after a long session of Bad Dudes, however he luckily received a 1-Up just before perishing and was able to be revived by George. Neal realized at this point that he had a dangerous addiction to video games and entered a rehab clinic. Five years later Neal was released, completely cured of his addiction to 2D video games. However by that time 3D games were popular and Neal slipped right back into the habit. Shortly thereafter an extended Quake session left Neal twitchy and pale (not much different from his normal state, actually). He claims to have completed a full Speedrun in only 8 minutes 34 seconds, but since he failed to record it, and Neal is prone to making up greatly exaggerated and fantastic stories about his accomplishments, few believed him at the time. In 2005 George decided to confirm Neal's story once and for all and traveled back to 1996 to witness Neal's amazing accomplishment. George was impressed and decided that Neal's video game addiction was impressive enough to let continue. No more rehab for Neal! At least not for video games...


On June 1, 2009 Neal broke Facebook, preventing George from uploading his latest awesome photos. This apparent sabotage was too little, too late for HeadPeriodical. Or rather, too little, too early, since HeadPeriodical wouldn't be created for another two years. Damn time machine...


In 2007, hoping to cash in and ride on the success of American Idol, but knowing his limitations (such as poor fashion sense, body odor, warbley singing, weird eyebrows, crooked teeth, mismatched nostrils.... [editor's note: many of Neal's failings have been deleted to preserve Facebook's memory/storage]), Neal prompted George to create Vatican Idol, which he would then try out for. As Vatican City is the smallest country in the world by both area and population (pop: 900), Neal was sure to win the title. Or so he thought. Voted "Vatican City's 900th best singer," Neal suffered through the worst of Simon Cowell's caustic remarks, including: "I have seen more talent contained in the bowels of a seven-day-deceased rodent," "I would rather listen to spider-monkeys mating than hear another second of you singing", and "Despite the fact that all you did was sing, I can unequivocally say that you are the worst human being ever to exist on the face of the planet." Ouch. Neal then set his sights on performing in So You Think You Can Dance?. That, too, went poorly. Hopefully he will fare better on George's newest show, So You Think You Can Sit?.

 

Just a little background... - So tense... So exciting... Can you stay in your seat?

So tense... So exciting... Can you stay in your seat?

Photo by: Neal

George, on the other hand, began producing hit after hit in the reality programming world, including: The Amazing Standing In Place, Britain's Got Teeth Problems, and The Last Accountant Standing.

 

Britain's Got Teeth Problems - Stereotypes have never seemed so fun!

Stereotypes have never seemed so fun!

Photo by: Neal

 

The Last Accountant Standing - File this... under awesome!

File this... under awesome!

Photo by: Neal


In 1993 George and Neal used the Time Machine in conjunction with the Teleportation Device and wound up in an alternate reality where families sit around and do nothing but watch us on TV. Apparently in this alternate reality we are absolutely fascinating. We think it was mostly because TV was in color while real-life was just black & white.

 

Just a little background... - Families are glued to their TV sets watching George try to dance.

Families are glued to their TV sets watching George try to dance.

Photo by: George

 

Includes Neal-in-Neal! - Neal's ugly mug helps sell the latest in TV technology...

Neal's ugly mug helps sell the latest in TV technology...

Photo by: George

 

George's Knobs - Notice how she likes fiddling with George's knobs? Neal is sooo jealous.

Notice how she likes fiddling with George's knobs? Neal is sooo jealous.

Photo by: George


Dateline, 2058: In an effort to feed as well as entertain the homeless, George and Neal invented the first edible harmonica. Much to George's dismay, the harmonica, comprised of marshmallows, candy canes, and prunes (monikered "Marshmonica") was criticized as the world's worst food - both in taste and in nutrition, but got rave reviews by harmonica virtuoso John Popper who purchased them in bulk. George's later edible instruments, including the hamburchordian, cheeseborine, Jaguanstophone, and pizziano were even less successful. Although the Tubagna, a combo tuba/lasagna creation, was in the works, and showed great promise, George and Neal abandoned the project altogether, when the homeless actually banded together and offered to pay them to stop.


In 1954 George and Neal patented a "Made in China" sticker that could be added to products that were made in China. Today production of our stickers has skyrocketed and we have expanded our product line to include "Made in Taiwan", "Made in Korea", "Made in Mexico", "Made in Honduras", and many other "Made in ..." stickers. We also produce stamps, tags, and labels. We are very proud of our business since all of our stickers and other items are 100% American Made and our factories employ 750,000 Americans and only 150,000 illegal immigrants. And our business is one of the few that keeps growing as more and more American manufacturing jobs are shipped overseas. We are happy to be doing our part to keep American jobs at home.

 

Just a little background... - A proud product of America!

A proud product of America!

Photo by: George


George and Neal know that, among friends, Brett actually spells his name like it's pronounced: FARVE.


On June 4th, 1974 George and Neal organized the first (and last) ever Ten Cent Beer Night at the Cleveland Municipal Stadium. The event was both a raging success and huge failure depending on your point of view. While increasing the attendance three-fold, it also resulted in a mass drunken riot. Seriously, we don't make this stuff up, check for yourself:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Cent_Beer_Night


Wanting to attain fame, but hoping to do so with as little effort as humanly possible, George and Neal went back in time to be recast in Hollywood blockbuster movies and shows. First, Neal "borrowed" Barret Oliver's role in The Neverending Story.

 

Just a little background... - "Whee! Whee! Wh... Hey, this thing smells like an old foot. Can we stop shooting?"

"Whee! Whee! Wh... Hey, this thing smells like an old foot. Can we stop shooting?"

Photo by: Neal

Then Neal was cast in our nation's finest show, Gimme a Break! - assuming the role previously cast by Joey Lawrence.

 

Whoa! - If Shakespeare were alive, he'd be jealous.

If Shakespeare were alive, he'd be jealous.

Photo by: Neal

Wanting to get in on the fun, George took Ron Howard's role as Opie Taylor in the Andy Griffith Show.

 

Goodby Ronnie! - This is the reason scientists worked tirelessly to create Tivo.

This is the reason scientists worked tirelessly to create Tivo.

Photo by: Neal

After Neal appeared in both the 70's movie Star Wars, as well as the show about the 70's, "That 70's Show", Neal retired his acting career/identity theft.

 

That 70's Star Wars Show - Neal is the one on the left.

Neal is the one on the left.

Photo by: Neal

 

Topher Said "No!" - Topher Grace was less than thrilled at the new direction of the show.

Topher Grace was less than thrilled at the new direction of the show.

Photo by: Neal

George, however, went on to star in The Brady Bunch, Punky Brewster, The A-Team, Cheers, Three's Company, and All in the Family before moving on to his newest passion, competitive Butter Churning. (The First Rule of Competitive Butter Churning... You Do Not Talk About Butter Churning. The second rule is pretty much the same as the first.)

 

Punky Georgester - With hair of... um... nevermind.

With hair of... um... nevermind.

Photo by: Neal

 

Georgantium - The sexual tension between George and Rhea Perlman was so intense that scientists classified it as a new periodic element ("Georgantium")

The sexual tension between George and Rhea Perlman was so intense that scientists classified it as a new periodic element ("Georgantium")

Photo by: Neal


After the success of placing themselves into the roles of classic sitcom characters George and Neal did the same thing with movies. But this time instead of replacing the original stars with themselves they replaced the stars with a collection of sock puppets. Surprisingly these already hit movies fared even better with the sock stars than they did with live actors. Some of our classic films include "Thelma & Louise", "The Shining", "Run Lola Run", "The Invisible Man" (in which we debuted our new color film process - we thought a see through man was a much better case for introducing the world to color movies than that creepy land of Oz), and "The Godfather".

 

Just a little background... - If you look closely in the end scene you'll notice that the socks in the car are just George's dirty laundry.

If you look closely in the end scene you'll notice that the socks in the car are just George's dirty laundry.

Photo by: George

 

Sock Film Classics - The Shining - All work and no play makes Jack a smelly sock...

All work and no play makes Jack a smelly sock...

Photo by: George

 

Sock Film Classics - Run Lola Run - Actually, it was more of a "Glide across the frame Lola, glide..."

Actually, it was more of a "Glide across the frame Lola, glide..."

Photo by: George

 

Sock Film Classics - The Invisible Man - Unfortunately due to special effects budget limitations, only the sock was made invisible.

Unfortunately due to special effects budget limitations, only the sock was made invisible.

Photo by: George

 

Sock Film Classics - The Godfather - "Don" Corleone actually spoke clear enough to understand perfectly all the time.

"Don" Corleone actually spoke clear enough to understand perfectly all the time.

Photo by: George

Just for fun, we even re-did the Pauley Shore classic "Son In Law" using the oldest, most rancid, sweat stained, left in the bottom of the bag for decades set of Neal's gym socks that we could find, however we still couldn't get the movie to stink worse than Pauley's original.

 

Sock Film Classics - Son In Law - Replacing Pauley Shore was the best thing that ever happened for this film. It received 6 Oscar nominations, walking home with 4 of the awards, including "Best Sock".

Replacing Pauley Shore was the best thing that ever happened for this film. It received 6 Oscar nominations, walking home with 4 of the awards, including "Best Sock".

Photo by: George


In 2014 the United States was overrun by a large number of giant squirrels. Apparently our neighbor, Sciuridaetopia had been conducting top secret genetic experiments when something went terribly wrong and the test subjects escaped, rampaging across Sciuridaetopia's main science campus in the capital city of Skiouros before fleeing into neighboring US territory. George and Neal lead a team of S.N.I.C.K.E.R.S. as well as members of various elite US military outfits to hunt down all of the gigantic squirrels. Thanks to George and Neal's heroic efforts all twelve escaped subjects were killed or captured. Sciuridaetopia has agreed to suspend their Ratufa Maximus program and is now focusing their scientific talents toward figuring out social issues they face, like how to get into a bird feeder atop a flag pole.

 

Just a little background... - Our battles against Godzilla were great practice. Taking out squirrels was a piece of cake.

Our battles against Godzilla were great practice. Taking out squirrels was a piece of cake.

Photo by: George


During the 2008 election season, George and Neal were hired by Barack Obama's marketing team to come up with catchy ditties about the man. After writing "Obama Told Me (You Better Shop Around)," "Obama Told Me There'd Be Day's Like This", and "Obama I'm Coming Home", the duo were fired for copyright infringement (and are currently facing lawsuits from a number of musicians, Ozzy Ozbourne included). They were quickly hired by Sarah Palin's camp to mitigate the damage done as a result of the Katie Couric interview. Though George and Neal's song "Hooked on a Palin" did little to help Palin's situation, they gained a new friend and confidant.


2011: As a result of all of George and Neal's time traveling they were away from home a good portion of the time. In an effort to provide comfort to their wives during these long absences, George and Neal created "Pleasurebots" - robots that could *ahem* provide their wives with "tender services". George and Neal were extremely proud of the fact that the robots they created were just as competent lovers as they were. Julie and Clarissa were extremely depressed by this fact.

 

Just a little background... - The first pleasurebots. We still didn't work out all the kinks, so to speak.

The first pleasurebots. We still didn't work out all the kinks, so to speak.

Photo by: Neal

 

Pleasurebots V.2 - Robo-Neal - Clarissa and her Robo-Neal (Version 2.0).

Clarissa and her Robo-Neal (Version 2.0).

Photo by: George

 

Pleasurebots V.2 - Robo-George - Julie and her Robo-George (Version 2.0). Gives new meaning to the phrase "chrome dome".

Julie and her Robo-George (Version 2.0). Gives new meaning to the phrase "chrome dome".

Photo by: George


In 1907 both George and Neal independently coined the term "joystick". George had a friend named Joy Buttnum who had a nervous tic that made her twitch her hand uncontrollably. Neal on the other hand enjoyed collecting small twigs and tree branches and also loved mechanical novelties. Upon seeing the "control lever" first appear in airplanes in the early 20th century both Neal and George agreed that the device should be called a "joystick". Neal because it combined his two greatest joys, sticks and gadgets, thus "joy-stick". George, on the other hand, saw the quick wrist jerks of the operators and was reminded of his friend Joy, thus "Joy's tic".


In 1972, not satisfied with only two teams, Neal and George created Chicago's third major league baseball team, Team Ghandi. Unfortunately, the team never won a single game, as instead of hitting the ball, the players tried to reason with it through non-violent means. After George and Neal lost over ten million dollars on the venture, they went back in time and prevented themselves from ever investing in such a project ever again.

 

Just a little background... - We requested "G"'s on our jerseys... but it wasn't worth the fight.

We requested "G"'s on our jerseys... but it wasn't worth the fight.

Photo by: Neal


In 1964 George and Neal started their niche business "Hair, Inc." in which they supplied the hair for your favorite rock stars and other celebrities. The business was an overnight success when the Beatles (who were actually all completely bald) became their first clients. Over the years our business has grown and we supply hair for all the biggest stars. We had our most profitable decade in the 1980's with the rise in popularity of "Glam Rock" and "Hair Metal" bands. Some of our highest profile clients include, in addition to The Beatles, Aerosmith, The Rolling Stones, Poison, Don King, Lyle Lovett, Twisted Sister's Dee Snider, Willie Nelson, ZZ Top (but just their beards), Gene Simmons and Ace Frehley of Kiss, Crystal Gayle, and the left half of David Bowie's head, just to name a few. We have been trying to gain Paul Simon, Ron Howard and Sinead O'Connor as clients for years without success. Brittney Spears was our client at one point, but we had a falling out in February 2007 before she turned to one of our inferior competitors, "Rock Locks" (who also services the rest of Kiss, Slaughter, Howard Stern, and Motley Crew, among others). We also used to do the hair for Metallica, until they decided to start sucking. About the only celebrity who's hair is actually real is our good friend David Allan Coe's, and that's some bad-ass hair for an old guy.

 

Just a little background... - Thanks to Hair, Inc. very few people knew that the Fab Four were really the Bald Four.

Thanks to Hair, Inc. very few people knew that the Fab Four were really the Bald Four.

Photo by: George

 

Not a client of Hair, Inc. - George on stage with his buddy David Allan Coe (not a client of Hair, Inc.). Neal wasn't allowed on stage, but he did take this awesome picture.

George on stage with his buddy David Allan Coe (not a client of Hair, Inc.). Neal wasn't allowed on stage, but he did take this awesome picture.

Photo by: George


In 1931, Neal made the mistake of ordering 10,000 loaves of chocolate wafers. (Okay, it wasn't a mistake - he just liked chocolate. It was a weak moment.) George, on the other hand, ordered hundreds of gallons of ice cream - that wasn't a mistake either - he just always wanted to swim in a pool of sherbet. When the bill came, the boys had to find a way to pay for their addictions. Hence, ice cream sandwiches were born. Of course, the original sandwich is different from those of today, which taste much less like George swam in the ice cream.


In 1609 George and Neal discovered the Fountain of Youth in Florida, just where Ponce de Leon thought it was. We kept the fountain's location a secret, but over the years the instinctive draw to the fountain has caused Florida to become home to a vast majority of the nation's elderly. Attracting senior citizens is not a new feature of the fountain, however. In fact, the Seminole Indians were not really a separate tribe of Native Americans. They were actually just the old people from other Native American tribes. Consequently, Seminole is the origin of the English word "senile". In 1958 a retirement community called "Your Last Resort" (built by another George & Neal company called God's Waiting Room Properties, Ltd.) was built on the location of the fountain. During construction the waters of the fountain were unwittingly diverted into the sewer system. The rejuvenating power of the water still works, but is significantly less palatable to drink now.


Beginning in 1777, every 4th of July, George and Neal would get together and throw a party for the most important and powerful American figures. The party would always devolve towards the end to drunken arguments as to who had the more "explosive" *ahem* bodily odors, and thereafter challenges to see who could clear a room with their explosive stenches. Contrary to popular belief, Alexander Hamilton was not killed in a gun duel, but rather (as it was known by then) by a "Duel of Toxicity™" against Vice President Burr. After the tragic death of Alexander Hamilton (then known as "Hamilgate"), reforms were called to G&N parties. Ultimately, George and Neal decided to use the much less harmful gunpowder fireworks as their explosions, and thus the Fourth of July celebration as we know it came into fruition. However, secretly, Neal and George still engage in Duels of Toxicity with their wives. Whether their wives want to participate or not, or even know a Duel is occurring (although when they do participate they win as often as not). (See also George and Neal's creation of the "SBD".)


In 1821 George and Neal had a very nice lunch with Charles Babbage, but at one point George brought out his laptop for a quick check of his Facebook account. Chuck was fascinated and wanted to know more. So we left him an extra computer that we had lying around so he could try to build his own. It took a while, but he eventually designed his Difference Machine, Difference Machine No. 2, and Analytical Machine but got distracted by lolcats, failblog and youtube. It took nearly 150 years before his Difference Machine was actually built. Now that's some procrastination that George and Neal haven't even been able to match yet. On a side note, in 1861 Babbage showed photographer Henry Pointer some LOLcats, Henry showed his friend Harry Whittier Frees and a meme was born...

 

Just a little background... - From 1902, one of the earliest known LOLcats...

From 1902, one of the earliest known LOLcats...

Photo by: George


In 1669 Neal invented the ellipses (...), however his first version was flawed. George suggested adding two more dots so that people would stop confusing it with a period. Now people correctly trail off dreamily when they encounter ellipses instead of an abrupt ending... (See how that works?) On a completely unrelated note, George and Neal teamed up in 1154 to invent the alphabet. Except for the letter Q.


In 1987, while working on their little known chromosome research project, George and Neal discovered that the Y chromosome was merely a "lazy X" chromosome. This explains why most men are less productive (and let's face it, hygienic) than women. Of course, this data was accidentally suppressed by George and Neal, because they were too lazy to mail it in for publication. They'll get to it. Someday.

 

Just a little background... - Above: lazy bastard.

Above: lazy bastard.

Photo by: Neal


In 1815 George invented the handlebar mustache; however no one understood the name. So in 1817 he invented the velocipede and suddenly everyone knew what handlebars were. The handlebar mustache was wildly popular, especially among military generals, guys who like twirling things absentmindedly, villains, and guys named Vern. Neal's invention of the unibrow was not quite as well received. Our collaboration on mutton chop sideburns was extremely popular, however, and we urge everyone to go out and get one.

 

Just a little background... - Now that's some awesome facial hair guys!

Now that's some awesome facial hair guys!

Photo by: George


In 1956 George and Neal founded a super-duper-triple-secret organization. I can't tell you the name of the society or I would have to kill you, but I can tell you that it can be recognized by the symbol ¤. Our meeting houses have sprung up all over the country and we have placed them very close to highways to make them easily accessible. You've probably seen the dome/pyramid hybrid buildings near exit and entrance ramps. Membership is by invitation only. We do have a way to gain entry without a formal invitation, however. All you have to do is solve the following riddle and then knock on the door to one of our meeting houses with the answer. "What number comes next in this series: 1, 11, 21, 1211, 111221, 312211, 13112221, ???" We're waiting!

 

Just a little background... - You'll know when to come for the meetings by answering the following: "There is a commonly used eight letter word that can be abbreviated by it's first letter, first two letters, first three letters, first four letters, or first five letters. All abbreviations and the word itself are commonly used. What is the word?"

You'll know when to come for the meetings by answering the following: "There is a commonly used eight letter word that can be abbreviated by it's first letter, first two letters, first three letters, first four letters, or first five letters. All abbreviations and the word itself are commonly used. What is the word?"

Photo by: George


In 1997, due to George's deep love of Star Wars, as well as his admiration of George Lucas (less as a result of Lucas's accomplishments and more because of Lucas's awesome first name), George asked to be involved in the Star Wars prequels. However, when George read the script to Episode I, he quickly decided he did not want to be involved in the project (or in George's words, "Meesa want nuting to do wit'de feeellllm, Ani!"). Instead, he dumped quantums of money in Lucas' lap, requesting that he be digitally inserted into the "original" trilogy. Caring little about continuity (come on Lucas, Greedo shoots first???), Lucas complied. Happy with the results, George has since contacted Spielberg so that he could be included in JAWS, Orson Welles's Citizen Kane, and replacing Bill Cosby in Leonard: Part 6 (it didn't help).

 

Just a little background... - "Luke... the Force.... it's just midi-chlorians..." "That's not true! That's impossible!"

"Luke... the Force.... it's just midi-chlorians..." "That's not true! That's impossible!"

Photo by: Neal

 

Hayden Christiansen - Axed! - Hayden Christiansen must be rolling over in his... um... big comfy bed, in a huge mansion.

Hayden Christiansen must be rolling over in his... um... big comfy bed, in a huge mansion.

Photo by: Neal

 

Rosebud! - Despite never having seen Citizen Kane, George was insistent on having a part... He played the snow globe.

Despite never having seen Citizen Kane, George was insistent on having a part... He played the snow globe.

Photo by: Neal - Caption by: George


At 12:56am on Friday, July 10, 2009 George wondered if anyone ever reads The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)! (Besides Bette Midler that is). At 12:57am on Friday, July 10, 2009 George decided it didn't matter and added some information about the kitten that taught Bob Ross how to paint.


In 1968 George and Neal trained a kitten to paint. That kitten in turn trained Bob Ross to paint. Bob Ross in turn taught countless of people to paint. So thanks to Neal and George and one talented kitten there are millions of "happy little trees". Who says we don't love the environment...

 

Just a little background... - For years the cat lived in Bob Ross's hair, giving advice and supplying large amounts of dopamine.

For years the cat lived in Bob Ross's hair, giving advice and supplying large amounts of dopamine.

Photo by: George


In 1984, Bantam Books contacted George and Neal, requesting they write and illustrate a book for their Choose Your Own Adventure book line. George and Neal decided to adapt their favorite book, Everybody Poops, as a choose your own adventure book. Unfortunately, there was really only one possible ending to the book, making it somewhat of a pointless adaption.

 

Just a little background... - George and Neal's favorite book. Second favorite? Most People Wipe.

George and Neal's favorite book. Second favorite? Most People Wipe.

Photo by: Neal


In 1996 George and Neal cross bred a centipede with a chicken (that was one wild night, let me tell you). The resulting mutant became a favored pet of Neal's (he named it Perdue) until George realized the financial opportunity and sold Perdue and the ChickenPede breeding technique to KFC. Neal was devastated, but agreed that Perdue was tasty. We also tried selling the breeding technique to Hooters, but they claimed they already had enough breasts, thighs, and legs and to contact them when we made a chicken with more wings. We're still researching that.

 

Just a little background... - RIP Perdue - Rest in Pieces... Crispy, tender, golden pieces.

RIP Perdue - Rest in Pieces... Crispy, tender, golden pieces.

Photo by: George


Emoticons will become the dominant language in 2028 for nearly every nation. In the rare nation that does not adopt Emoticlish (as it is referred to in most nations), the phrase "ESL" will refer to "Emoticons as Second Language". Universal Keyboards will emerge, and will only have the following keys: : )( 0 ! ; D * [ ] > < q p = - and |. Many marriage proposals will be as follows: "Will you make me colon-hyphen-closed parenthesis and marry me?" Most responses will consist of "colon-hyphen-zero... yes!" George and Neal have actually nothing to do with this, but thought people from the first decade of the 2000's would find this tidbit of future history interesting.

 

Just a little background... - George and Neal's involvement in the emoticlish movement? Creating the first emotikeyboard. It remains a mystery to this day as to why George and Neal felt a need to keep the other "blank" keys.

George and Neal's involvement in the emoticlish movement? Creating the first emotikeyboard. It remains a mystery to this day as to why George and Neal felt a need to keep the other "blank" keys.

Photo by: Neal


On February 9, 2009 by federal mandate George and Neal were required to go all digital. The mandate was immediately revoked and a new mandate required Neal to take a shower before the new June 12, 2009 date requiring Neal and George to go all digital. Neal compromised and said he'd shower, but just this once.


In 1987, Nintendo released Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Although it was a smash hit, many believe that the game would have sold significantly better had it been released in its original incarnation, George Jaros's Punch Out.

 

Just a little background... - "007 373 5963" - this password led you to a world of hurtin', GJ style.

"007 373 5963" - this password led you to a world of hurtin', GJ style.

Photo by: Neal

Unfortunately, the likeness rights could not be obtained due to a dispute over George's physique. Nintendo wanted to opt for the "six pack" look for George's character; George wanted Nintendo to honor his actual appearance and give his character his 16-and-a-half-pack (which he gained as a result of the strength supplement that Neal created in 2342.

 

Simon Supplements - Simon Supplements - "Strong. Freakishly, freakishly strong."WARNING: Side effects may include awesomeness. And the complete loss of testicles.

Simon Supplements - "Strong. Freakishly, freakishly strong."

WARNING: Side effects may include awesomeness. And the complete loss of testicles.

Photo by: Neal

Neal, on the other hand, cared very little about how his likeness was presented in video games. As a result, he offered his likeness rights to Street Fighter 6. The results were, to say the least, embarrassing to his friends and family, many of whom moved away, leaving no forwarding address or contact information. If you are out there Grandma, Neal misses you.

 

Street Fighter 6 - Neal found that being overpowered by Chun Li was notably arousing. At least to him.

Neal found that being overpowered by Chun Li was notably arousing. At least to him.

Photo by: Neal


In 2412, 467 years after their last World Series appearance, the Chicago Cubs looked likely to finally break their Billy Goat Curse, however, in true Cubs tradition they were swept in the first four games of the Intergalactic Worlds Series by the Solar Quadrant-0xBA5EBA11 Red Giants. George and Neal haven't come across any other instances of the Cubs winning, or even making the World Series (or its equivalent) in all of our travels through time and even through alternate realities.

 

Just a little background... - A Cubs fan mourning the 2412 loss in game 4 of the Intergalactic Worlds Series. 19 - 0 isn't so bad, is it?

A Cubs fan mourning the 2412 loss in game 4 of the Intergalactic Worlds Series. 19 - 0 isn't so bad, is it?

Photo by: George

UPDATE: We found an alternate reality where, in 2016 the Cubs won the World Series! If you live in this reality we’re really sorry, because the price you have to pay is that Donald Trump will become president of the United States. I guess the Universe really does have a sense of humor.


In 1947 George and Neal spent several days in France waiting for their friends Vladimir and Estragon to show up. Neal later wrote a play about it called "Waiting for Vladimir and Estragon". Then in 1949 some dude ripped off our story and completely turned the tables. In his play, Samuel Beckett claimed Vladimir and Estragon were waiting and waiting for us! Needless to say we weren't too happy, especially since we had no idea who this Beckett guy was. So we contacted Beckett and told him what's up. He agreed to at least change our names in his play. Somehow Beckett's play became famous while Neal's just faded to obscurity. Maybe it's because people were more interested in philosophical discussions than the truth of what happened - sitting, waiting, belching, farting, and battling ninjas.


So very, very tired of endless "Beatles vs. Stones" arguments, in 2022, George and Neal decided to do the only logical thing to resolve the issue: go back in time and force John and Paul to join forces with Mick and Keith. Thus, the band "The Rolling Beatles" took the music scene by storm.

 

Just a little background... - Finally... satisfaction.

Finally... satisfaction.

Photo by: Neal

The music was so astonishingly good that other musicians gave up in defeat and besides the music of the Rolling Beatles, almost no other music has been produced since 1968.... Almost. Neal and George got such a rush from combining two musical groups that they went back in time to do the same thing a few more times over. Now, instead of debating "Beatles vs. Stones", the world debates "The Rolling Beatles vs. Hammer | Hendrix." Most agree, it's a toss-up.

 

Hammer | Hendrix - What time is it? All Along The Watchtower, the Clock Strikes HAMMERTIME!

What time is it? All Along The Watchtower, the Clock Strikes HAMMERTIME!

Photo by: Neal

(As an aside, most agree that it's best not to acknowledge Reznor/Hanson inappropriately named collaboration, "The Nine Inch Hanson Brothers" nor the Prince/Pearl Jam collaboration, "Prince Pearl".)


As long as we're on the topic of classic rock music groups, it should be noted that George, Neal, and Brian Wilson were founding members of the Beach Boys, originally known as the Couch Boys. We turned out several minor hits, including Channel Surfin' USA, Channel Surfer Girl, Channel Surfin' Safari, and Couch Vibrations. In 1961 Brian decided Surfing was more marketable than sitting on a couch, kicked us out of the band, and changed the name. We were hurt for a time, but in the long run things worked out. Brian apologized by dedicating the "Pet Sounds" album to us (a reference to George's singing), but we really feel vindicated now. Today people still spend too much time sitting on their couches and no one cares about the Beach Boys any more. Suck on that Brian!

 

Just a little background... - The Couch Boys didn't last long, but we made some really great music.I'm pickin' up couch vibrations... I think it's from flatulations... Couch, couch, couch... Couch vibrations...That was a classic!

The Couch Boys didn't last long, but we made some really great music.

I'm pickin' up couch vibrations... I think it's from flatulations... Couch, couch, couch... Couch vibrations...

That was a classic!

Photo by: George


On April 1, 2010, George thought it would be a hilarious prank to go back in time and seduce Neal's great-grandmother. Consequently, George became Neal's great-grandfather. While George found this unintended consequence hilarious, Neal did not find this funny whatsoever. As payback, Neal seduced George's great-great grandmother. Super-humanly virile, Neal became George's great-great grandfather. Upset, George thereafter seduced Neal's great-great-great grandmother (after first accidentally seducing his great-great-great grandfather - could have happened to anyone). This went back and forth so many times that Neal's and George's family trees became so convoluted and confusing it would have made M.C. Escher proud.


Speaking of M.C. Escher, in 1955, George and Neal once rented an apartment from him. On the plus side, the rent was very low for such a roomy place. The downside? All the faceless people. Very creepy. Also, the conflicting laws of gravity made going to the bathroom very, very complicated and often times messy.

 

Just a little background... - Reason #85 why neither George nor Neal will win "Father of the Year": telling their children the bathroom is downstairs.

Reason #85 why neither George nor Neal will win "Father of the Year": telling their children the bathroom is downstairs.

Photo by: Neal


In 2009, after George surpassed Neal by 100% in the number of genetically descended offspring, Neal and Clarissa got busy, very busy. In 2011 Neal welcomed the arrival of his 12th son (and he didn't even use the time machine). A result of all this baby making was a new sport, which took America by storm. By 2015 it will be the second largest organized professional sport (right behind curling - yeah, it takes off next summer), enjoyed by millions of fans around the world. The Extreme Mobile Watching League, more commonly known as ExMo, spawned a whole family of spin-off sports, like Competition Crawling and the annual Spit-up Spectacular. In 2016 the IISL (International Infant Sporting League) was formed to encompass ExMo and related competitions.

 

Just a little background... - Fans really get into their ExMo watching. This was a party to watch the ExMo Sippy Cup Finals in 2016. Jimmy the Crier narrowly beat out Suzie Smooches to bring home the coveted gold covered Tickle Me Elmo Original trophy.

Fans really get into their ExMo watching. This was a party to watch the ExMo Sippy Cup Finals in 2016. Jimmy the Crier narrowly beat out Suzie Smooches to bring home the coveted gold covered Tickle Me Elmo Original trophy.

Photo by: George


In 2017, riding on the success of ExMo and the IISL, George and Neal started a new line of furniture stores called ILEAK, making the style and comfort once reserved for only elite athletes affordable for all. Our furniture is based on classic designs that people are intimately familiar with from their days as infants. Now adults can enjoy all the comforts of baby furniture! Sleep in your own personal, adult size crib. Eat without the hassle of a table with your very own high chair. Relax in your very own swing, complete with three point harness. Driving has never been safer with your very own car seat (we don't recommend using it rear facing in the driver's seat however). Or enjoy your favorite IISL events from the comfort of a vibrating bouncy chair. It doesn't get any better than that.

 

Just a little background... - George showing off the latest in the ILEAK line of infant inspired furniture.

George showing off the latest in the ILEAK line of infant inspired furniture.

Photo by: George


In 2025 George and Neal received a grant from the US government to study the long held belief that if you give a billion monkeys a billion typewriters eventually they'll type the complete works of Shakespeare. Unfortunately our study ended prematurely after 32 years when one of the monkeys figured out how to convert the typewriter into a jackhammer and broke all the other monkeys out of our research facility. We were however left with several Stephen King novels, three seasons of Saturday Night Live, the 1876 edition of the Farmers Almanac, and "How to Win Friends & Influence People" translated to Klingon, not to mention a very stinky research facility.

 

Just a little background... - The Klingon Language Edition of "How to Win Friends & Influence People" quickly became the best selling edition. Who would have thought that people who speak Klingon would need friends or would like to influence people?

The Klingon Language Edition of "How to Win Friends & Influence People" quickly became the best selling edition. Who would have thought that people who speak Klingon would need friends or would like to influence people?

Photo by: George


In 2020 George and Neal produced a very special episode of Dateline's "To Catch A Predator". It was a great success and they captured a lion, three grizzly bears, a pair of jaguars, three red-tailed hawks, six rattlesnakes, one mongoose, a vast assortment of spiders, a man-o-war jellyfish, a tyrannosaurus rex, two alligators, a couple of venus flytraps, and one big dude with glow-in-the-dark blood, awesome mandibles, greenish skin, rad dreads, and some pretty cool weapons. We've been asked back to do a follow up special where we'll attempt to catch the elusive Nashville Predators.

 

Just a little background... - Chris Hansen with our catch of the day. Let me tell you, this guy was not happy. He kept muttering about how he was only after the queen. Later we had to call an exterminator to clean up an infestation of Internecivus raptus, but since this was To Catch A Predator and not To Catch A Parasite, those clips didn't air.

Chris Hansen with our catch of the day. Let me tell you, this guy was not happy. He kept muttering about how he was only after the queen. Later we had to call an exterminator to clean up an infestation of Internecivus raptus, but since this was To Catch A Predator and not To Catch A Parasite, those clips didn't air.

Photo by: George


In 1945, George and Neal decided to go to a Tigers/Cubs game - fatefully, it was Game 4 of the World Series. During the game, George complained of a strange odor. After a few innings, George became so upset by the noxious smell, he complained to P.K. Wrigley, who located a nearby patron who was attending the game with his billy goat. After asking the patron (Billy Goat Tavern owner Billy Sianis) to leave because his pet goat's odor was bothering other fans, Sianis became outraged and declared, "Them Cubs, they aren't gonna win no more," which has been interpreted to mean that there would never be another World Series game played at Wrigley Field. It has also been said by many that Sianis put a "curse" on the Cubs; if so, it was incredibly effective as the Cubs have not won a single World Series since then. (Later that evening, George located the odor, and it wasn't the goat. It was Neal. Whoops.)

While we're on the topic of the Cubs, George and Neal felt so badly for having caused a curse that led to the downfall of the Cubs Dynasty, they vowed to do all that they could to break the curse (ok, they didn't feel too bad, but the Cubs were the only baseball team they could afford to try out their awesome plan). That's why in 2020, George and Neal populated the entire Cubs team with many versions of themselves taken from different timelines. The Neals and Georges trained for many months, to get in peak physical condition. Given George and Neal's skills (including their self-professed and much doubted sexual prowess), the people of Chicago, nay, the world, were filled with hope and excitement. People also thought Waterworld and the Postman would be good movies. People are idiots. George and Neal's first game resulted in the injuries of numerous Georges and Neals, and a score of 75-1. (They got one run during the inning that the pitcher kept beaming them in the head for fun.) Consequently, that was the first and last game George and Neal ever played as Cubs. The next day the owners (who happened to be the real Neal and George for that time) fired all the other Neals and Georges and rehired all the original players. Interestingly enough, that devastating loss was not the Cubs' worst defeat. They lost by bigger margins three more times that season despite Neal and George no longer playing. Chalk it up to bad managing (the George and Neal managers were fired at the end of the season).

 

Even We Couldn't Help the Cubs - Above: the most handsome baseball team ever. They were known as the "Lovable, handsome, amazingly bodacious losers."

Above: the most handsome baseball team ever. They were known as the "Lovable, handsome, amazingly bodacious losers."

Photo by: Neal


In 2118 George and Neal turned the universe upside down. It was fun. Maybe we'll do it again some time.

 

Just a little background... - ...uʍop ǝpısdn ǝsɹǝʌıun ǝɥʇ pǝddı1ɟ ǝʍ uǝɥʍ ǝʞı1 pǝʞoo1 p1ɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ sı sıɥʇ

...uʍop ǝpısdn ǝsɹǝʌıun ǝɥʇ pǝddı1ɟ ǝʍ uǝɥʍ ǝʞı1 pǝʞoo1 p1ɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ sı sıɥʇ

Photo by: George


In 2001 George married the most incredible woman ever to live, past, present, and future, leaving Neal to settle for the second best, although if you ask Neal the opposite is true. This is a debate that will continue for centuries. In fact, college courses will be offered discussing the philosophies of both sides of the debate.

 

Just a little background... - What is nearly as amazing as these two women is the fact that they even agreed to marry George and Neal in the first place, and then managed to put up with them for years, and provide them with a continuation of their genetic lineage. George and Neal have no idea how lucky they are (well, maybe just a little).

What is nearly as amazing as these two women is the fact that they even agreed to marry George and Neal in the first place, and then managed to put up with them for years, and provide them with a continuation of their genetic lineage. George and Neal have no idea how lucky they are (well, maybe just a little).

Photo by: George


In 2008, George and Neal became extremely productive after discovering they could use their time machine to sleep 9 hours each night, while only really "wasting" one hour. They would sleep from 10 p.m. to 11 p.m., wake up, go back in time to 10 p.m., sleep an hour, and then do the same thing 7 more times each night. This allowed them to increase their philanthropic activities to a far greater extent. For example, George and Neal successfully put an end to worldwide tortoise hunger just weeks after instituting their "No Sleep" routine. (Of course, they are now aging 33% faster than normal humans... but that's okay, because someday they plan to go back in time to 2008 and give their younger selves the knowledge gained during the "No Sleep" period. That way, the younger Neal and George can sleep the full 9 hours, while still accomplishing just as much. Pretty sneaky, sis!)

 

Just a little background... - Another tragedy averted.

Another tragedy averted.

Photo by: Neal


In 2040, Neal and George created a television news program devoted solely to chronicling their (mis)adventures, called the George and Neal Newsnetwork (or "GNN"). GNN hit an all-time high Nielsen rating during Neal's cooking show with Martha Stewart (see above). The ratings peak? - 4 viewers. Thanks to George and Neal's moms! (The lowest ratings valley? The week-long "All Nude Review", where viewership dipped by 4.)

 

Just a little background... - For all of your news and adult entertainment needs.

For all of your news and adult entertainment needs.

Photo by: Neal


After "Connect the Dot" the movie broke box office records, George and Neal decided to create a new game upon which to base another movie. The result? Connect One, an instant classic.

 

Just a little background... - It's all about strategy.

It's all about strategy.

Photo by: Neal


In early 2010, in an attempt to attract the age 80+ and technophobe demographics, as well as providing an alternate supply for the Facebook addicts, George and Neal brokered an agreement with cNet Publishing and Facebook for a monthly printed edition of Facebook called "Facemag - your offline fix". The magazine is roughly 900 pages each month of status updates, quizzes, and pictures submitted by subscribers the month before via snail mail. It also contains pointless advertisements, recommendations for things you might like but actually don't, and thousands upon thousands of little card inserts for all sorts of useless stuff (it falls all over the place and makes a huge mess as soon as you open the magazine). And of course there's the monthly feature: The Latest in the Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)! It's not quite as fast paced as its online counterpart, but it's just as big a waste of time.

 

Just a little background... - The Large Print edition was over four times as thick, and this was just the second issue. By 2012 the standard print edition was over 3 feet thick.

The Large Print edition was over four times as thick, and this was just the second issue. By 2012 the standard print edition was over 3 feet thick.

Photo by: George


On September 6, 2010, George and Neal initiated a series of dares, each more shocking than the last. It started innocently enough, when George dared Neal to eat a live worm (not knowing that Neal had done this for free in the past, on a number of occasions). Neal then dared George to go back in time and dress like a woman at a number of milestones in his life.

 

Just a little background... - Although there were those who thought George was the bride, it was still a beautiful ceremony. George decided to keep the toaster that he received; the newlyweds didn't seem to mind.

Although there were those who thought George was the bride, it was still a beautiful ceremony. George decided to keep the toaster that he received; the newlyweds didn't seem to mind.

Photo by: Neal

After George went to numerous weddings, funerals, birthday parties, circumcisions, etc. dressed as a woman, George then dared Neal to not be witty, funny and/or suave for one day. (Neal of course could not do so - his awesomeness is by instinct not design). After trying (and failing) not to be awesome, Neal then dared George to erase Dan Ackroyd's entire existence. George did so with ease and great pleasure. Of course, George had to find someone to fill in the now Ackroyd-less roles...

 

Dan Ack-who? - Now George's come-on, "Hey baby, wanna see my proton pack?" makes sense.

Now George's come-on, "Hey baby, wanna see my proton pack?" makes sense.

Photo by: Neal

The dares continued, each more fantastic than the last, which all culminated somehow in Neal thinking he could take on Muhammad Ali in his prime. Six concussions later, he discovered he could not. Neal would have continued the dare contest, but after multiple blows to the skull, he forgot all about the contest and for some reason instead decided to be a divorce attorney. George was satisfied, believing that somehow this meant he won the contest.

 

Neal vs Cassius Clay - Funny, Neal doesn't remember this at all. (George, on the other hand, remembers it very, very clearly, having profited immensely from all the shirts, DVDs, postcards, "Happy Birthday, Grandma" birthday cards, toilet paper, penile enlargement packs, and other products he sold bearing this image. Thanks George.)

Funny, Neal doesn't remember this at all. (George, on the other hand, remembers it very, very clearly, having profited immensely from all the shirts, DVDs, postcards, "Happy Birthday, Grandma" birthday cards, toilet paper, penile enlargement packs, and other products he sold bearing this image. Thanks George.)

Photo by: Neal


In 2045, robots took over the world. Not as scary as you'd think. The robots were friendly, personable, and wonderful leaders of the enslaved human race. This robotic takeover had nothing to do with George and Neal. Or did it? (Yes, we know this has already been posted, but it will happen twice - seriously.)


In December, 2011 Neal and George did the world a favor by getting rid of Kim Jong Il using a technique they spent decades perfecting. The "Remote Head Squish" method of attack is a secret that was passed on to them by Samurai Master Nasu no Yoichi in 12th century Japan (March 13, 1192 to be exact).

 

Just a little background... - They never saw us coming. One of the benefits of having a personal cloaking device.

They never saw us coming. One of the benefits of having a personal cloaking device.

Photo by: George


Unable to persuade America to convert to the Metric system, in 2087 George and Neal successfully convinced America to abandon their current measuring system in favor of the "Jarmonorgeal" system. Unfortunately, the Jarmonorgeal system did not alleviate mathematical confusion but rather enhanced it considerably. For example, 10 meters were equal to 3 Georges, whereas 20 meters equaled 4.25 Georges, or a "Neal and a Half". You could go from Maine to Louisiana in just 16 Mikes; but 10 Mikes equaled one Adin, and confusingly Earth was only 2 Adin's distance in circumference (although it should be noted that "circumference" was now arbitrarily renamed "Earth's Beer Gut" - which in itself makes no sense). Realizing their (one and only) error, George and Neal decided to travel to Washington D.C. to repeal the law which adopted the Jarmonorgeal measuring system.... except they never made it, as due to a measuring error they accidentally overshot D.C. by a George and three quarters, which meant they ended in Thailand somehow. (Why this measuring system continued to use halves and quarters continued to be a mystery...)


On June 1, 2011, Neal and George debuted their MMORPG video game, Oregon Trail xTreme - The Road to Nimrod (yes, it is an actual place in Oregon, as is Wankers Corner). The initial release was hugely anticipated, netting over 3.6 million users in the first 24 hours. Two days later, 65% of those users somehow acquired the measles, dysentery, or cholera, although their online personas remained healthy.


In 2021, to capitalize on the new, extremely modest trends in fashion, George and Neal made millions off their new video series called "Girls Gone Tame". In exchange for putting on an extra petticoat, George and Neal would provide college girls with a sweater with a tiny "Girls Gone Tame" logo embroidered discreetly on it. Wrrrrrowwww...

 

Just a little background... - You should hear about all the stuff they weren't willing to do...

You should hear about all the stuff they weren't willing to do...

Photo by: George


In 1998, Neal became overwhelmingly frustrated when he tried to crack the mysteries of the complex literary tome, "Where's Waldo?" After a near-breakdown, George decided to help his friend, as well as the public at large, by publishing "There's Waldo, Right Freakin' There". It became an overnight sensation, quickly selling out multiple editions and translated into 58 languages (Though, other than the title, there wasn't much to translate). George and Neal are set to publish their next traumatic/educational book, "Where in the Morgue is Carmen Sandiego?"

 

Just a little background... - Even so, it took Neal about 35 minutes to find Waldo.

Even so, it took Neal about 35 minutes to find Waldo.

Photo by: Neal

 

Where in the Morgue is Carmen Sandiego? - Described as "more disturbing than Hostel 2", this game was banned in most language-speaking countries. Despite this, George and Neal have decided to continue working on their next project, "The Magic School Bus: Field Trip to the Abattoir".

Described as "more disturbing than Hostel 2", this game was banned in most language-speaking countries. Despite this, George and Neal have decided to continue working on their next project, "The Magic School Bus: Field Trip to the Abattoir".

Photo by: Neal


In 1989 George and Neal were instrumental in the launch of the new chocolate DOVE Promises. Each wrapper featured an inspirational promise. Unfortunately the promises turned out to be big lies and the launch was a huge failure. I guess we shouldn't have had sayings like "Of course I'll call you tomorrow." or "No dear, that outfit does not make you look fat, I swear!" and "I will not raise taxes if I'm elected." DOVE canned us and two years later launched their successful line of chocolate Promises. We're now writing exclusively for the American Meteorological Society.

 

Just a little background... - Seriously. Send our adventures to all your friends. You'll either get the $245 or have fewer friends, we make no promises (oh, wait, that was the whole problem...)

Seriously. Send our adventures to all your friends. You'll either get the $245 or have fewer friends, we make no promises (oh, wait, that was the whole problem...)

Photo by: George


In 2041, someone had the gall to accuse George and Neal of photoshopping images of their great accomplishments. George and Neal quickly provided hundreds of additional photos in response to the allegation proving that they did not engage in any photoshopping whatsoever. Interestingly, through the process of analyzing the photographs it was discovered that the photographs of George and Neal's accomplishments SHOULD be photoshopped, in order to make them less awesome, as their sheer awesomeosity was so great that it caused a number of analysts to spontaneously combust. George and Neal sent flowers to the analysts' families; however, for some reason, this caused them to spontaneously combust as well. Sorry 'bout that.


In April, 2016 George got tired of the whole ninja fighting and history manipulating thing. He decided to try something more relaxing and opened the Meadows of Elysium Bed & Breakfast. Unfortunately the whole thing was a disaster. Maybe it was because George doesn't sleep... Maybe it was because George doesn't eat breakfast (let alone cook it)... Or maybe it was because adventure just has a way of finding George. In the six months George was running his BnB it was attacked by zombies three times, killer robots once, and chainsaw wielding raccoons twice. George's patrons (those that survived) refused to ever return nor refer their friends and family. By October George had decided to leave the hospitality business and return to the life of adventure, fame and mystery that he was destined for.

Neal, on the other hand, started a very successful chain of hotels called X-Torch Inn, later renamed Hotel-9. Neal's success wasn't due so much to his hotels' amenities, cleanliness, or reputation so much as it was his policy of photoshopping... I mean photographing wealthy patrons committing adultery. Then he would threaten to show the photos to the guilty party's spouse (resulting in a very messy divorce) unless the party agreed to use Neal's law firm for their divorce proceedings (resulting in a very expensive, but much less messy divorce). It was a twisted web that he wove, but it resulted in the very profitable sale of Hotel-9 to Motel 6 in 2081. The merger of Motel 6 and Hotel-9 (called by the media the "6-9 Hookup") was touted as the biggest corporate acquisition of the century.


In 2036, tired of attempting to potty train their many, many children (combined, George and Neal sired 664 children, thanks to their wives, who have been cloned many times over as George and Neal can't seem to get enough of them), George and Neal gathered the best and brightest scientific minds (read: just the two of them - oh, and they also included Stephen Hawking, not because he's as smart as Neal and George (he's not), but rather because they liked hearing Hawking's melodious robotic voice). The goal: discover a way to eliminate the need to potty train children. Two hours later, the solution was discovered. George and Neal combined the awesome, near-supernatural powers of duct tape and children's pottys, and revealed their newest invention, the "Toilet Tush Taper" (aka "Poop Cubed") to the world. (((Patent (and significantly better name) pending.))) This invention did not sell well, though, after someone realized that the "invention" of taping a toilet to a child's touchas was really the same thing as a diaper. A much heavier, messier, terrible diaper. Red Green was impressed at the ingenious use of duct tape though.


In 2018 George and Neal were invited to appear before the entire US Government to talk about their accomplishments. The talk started out normal enough, but about 10 minutes into it we had actually hypnotized the entire House and Senate, as well as the President, Vice President, the president's Cabinet, Joint Chiefs of Staff, as well as numerous aides, interns, the press, secret service, foreign dignitaries, and several bystanders. During this short time we made them pass all sorts of humorous laws. For example, Title 214, Section 1212 of the Code of Federal Regulations says it is illegal to eat spaghetti longer than 26 1/2 inches in length on days that start with T, unless the weather is partially cloudy with at least a 30% chance of precipitation, in which case if spaghetti is eaten it must be at least 26 1/2 inches in length and must be slurped, not twisted on a fork. We also had everyone pose for a group photo.

 

Just a little background... - Getting everyone to pose for this picture was surprisingly easier than you would think. In fact most of them were already snapping out of the hypnotic state by the time this picture was snapped.

Getting everyone to pose for this picture was surprisingly easier than you would think. In fact most of them were already snapping out of the hypnotic state by the time this picture was snapped.

Photo by: George


On April 23, 1985, Coca-Cola changed its formula and released the New Coke. Not to be outdone, George and Neal intentionally altered their DNA to create New George and New Neal. Much like the New Coke, the response was overwhelmingly negative, and the original George and Neal were back on the market in less than 3 months (though secretly, much like the New Coke, many thought New George and Neal tasted better).

After the reintroduction of Original George and Neal, popular opinion surrounding them skyrocketed. Countless nations (including the kingdoms of England, the Netherlands, and Talossa) proclaimed George and Neal their Kings. This, too, led to its own set of problems, as George, bitter at the idea of having to share his kingdoms with an equally awesome and well-endowed genius, plotted to overthrow Neal. Neal did the same. Luckily, they were able to resolve their differences over a three-day game of Tic-Tac-Toe-Two.


In 2010, as part of President Obama's Education Recovery Effort, George & Neal's list of accomplishments became mandatory curriculum from 4th grade up. Students are required to pass annual standardized tests in four categories: Historical Events, Businesses and Celebrities, Inventions, and Other Crap. 4th through 6th grade tests each consist of 200 multiple choice questions, 7th and 8th grade is a combination of 250 multiple choice and short answer questions, and high school also includes an essay section. Also all US Citizens are required to complete a 150 question multiple choice test once every four years. Failure to pass the test could result in suspension of your US Citizenship and up to 10 years of living in Britain. So you better start studying now!

 

Just a little background... - This was an answer key for the 6th grade multiple choice section. Whoo Hoo! We like patterns! Also notice that you no longer have the choices of A-B-C-D-E. In keeping with George & Neal are Awesome tradition, your options on the multiple choice section are G-J-N-S-!

This was an answer key for the 6th grade multiple choice section. Whoo Hoo! We like patterns! Also notice that you no longer have the choices of A-B-C-D-E. In keeping with George & Neal are Awesome tradition, your options on the multiple choice section are G-J-N-S-!

Photo by: George


In 2004, George and Neal publish their educational children's book, "Harold and the Purple Crayon: Harold Discovers the Female Anatomy". The book was a hit, especially in the "Males, ages 13-18" demographic. There was much praise. And lawsuits. Lots and lots of those.

 

Just a little background... - Above: Mandatory curriculum in President Obama's Education Recovery Effort.

Above: Mandatory curriculum in President Obama's Education Recovery Effort.

Photo by: Neal


In 2012 George and Neal recorded an album of cover songs, except instead of the actual lyrics we sang the lyrics that everyone thinks the original artists were singing. Neal's rendition of Jimmi Hendrix's Purple Haze was an instant hit ('Scuse me while I kiss this guy) while George's version of CCR's Bad Moon Risin' (There's a bathroom on the right) became the theme song for Larry Craig's 2012 presidential campaign. Other songs on the album included:
- Queen's Bohemian Raphsody (Scallaboosh, Scallaboosh, will you do the banned tango... and ...The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeeeeee....)
- Led Zepplin's Stairway To Heaven (And there's a wino down the road)
- Nirvana's All Apologies (Smoking on the ashes of your Aunt Louise)
- The Sound of Music's So Long, Farewell (So long, farewell, our feet are saying good-bye)
- Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box (Hey, Wayne, I've got a new Cobain)
- Elvis's Are you Lonesome Tonight (Are you loathsome tonight? Do you mince meat....)
- The Beatles' Ticket to Ride (She's got a chicken to ride.)
- REM's The One I Love (This one goes out to the one-eyed dove.)
- Judy Garland's Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Where Tribbles smell like lemon drops)
- Madonna's Material Girl (I'm a Cheerio girl)
- Frank Sinatra's Strangers in the Night (Strangers and your wife, exchanging glances...)
- NIN's Closer (I want a duck shaped like a triangle, You give a toaster to Bob)
- Simon and Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water (Like a bridge over a tub of water)
- Glen Miller's Chattanooga Choo Choo (Pardon me boys, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?)

 

Just a little background... - We're getting ready to release the second album, entitled "Shamu the Mysterious Whale: The Songs of U2".

We're getting ready to release the second album, entitled "Shamu the Mysterious Whale: The Songs of U2".

Photo by: George


In 2008, Neal convinced the makers of Dr. Pepper (which he claimed was the greatest jaguanst available, at least until the year 3041, when the superior Rottercola came out, which was far, far tastier and 1800% more likely to cause cavities.) to make a Dr. Pepper flavored barbecue sauce. In support of his favorite jaguanst, George developed a Mountain Dew flavored barbecue sauce. Both sauces sold well, but the debate over which one was better was beginning to get bloody by late 2009. So, in the interest of world peace, George and Neal halted production of the two sauces and developed the hybrid Dr. Mountain Pepper Dew BBQ Sauce. The sauce was mind-numbingly awesome, and swept the nation. In fact, people began simply drinking the barbecue sauce rather than applying it to their tasty meat (that's what she said, am I right?). Soon, companies began distributing the bbq sauce in vending machines (20 oz. for only $1.75!). Gradually, all currencies in the world were replaced by bottles of barbecue sauce, which led to a more solid global economy, ancillary causing world peace. It only lasted 14 minutes, but man, what a great 14 minutes!


Mussolini got his idea to tell everyone that he made the trains run on time after George and Neal invented a train that ran on thyme (Benito simply misunderstood us, but recognized a good idea when he heard one). We also invented a car that ran on oregano, a bus that ran on dill, and an airplane that ran on coriander.


In 1988, George and Neal created cats and dogs with opposable thumbs and above-average intellects. Everyone was thrilled with the evolutionary jump - well, everyone except Bob Barker, who received copious amounts of angry letters from the critters. George and Neal's favorites include: "Hey Bob Barker - Screw you! Love, Cats & Dogs"; "Bob, I miss my testicles, you jerk! - Fido" and "Barker, YOUR balls are MINE!" Many animal activists have sided with the animals, calling for Bob Barker to be neutered. Gerbils, parakeets, and a number of other household pets have refused to take sides.


Since 1986, every Friday evening, on odd numbered days, in years with digits that add up to 3 or 8, George and Neal hang out with Max Headroom. Un-un-unfortunately the stutters and low resolution imaging tend to stick- tend to stick- stick- stick- with you for much longer than your visit to the Network 23 mainframe.

 

Just a little background... - Usually we'd just end up watching TV shows Max was able to tap into (skipping over all those annoying blipverts, of course - no heads exploding here).

Usually we'd just end up watching TV shows Max was able to tap into (skipping over all those annoying blipverts, of course - no heads exploding here).

Photo by: George


On May 11, 1997, "Deep Blue", a chess-playing computer developed by IBM, won a six-game match by two wins to one with three draws against world champion Garry Kasparov. George believed he do could much better than Kasparov, and challenged the computer to another six-game match. The computer beat George - badly - in the chess competition. However, when George challenged Deep Blue to an Ultimate Fighting Championship, the computer was easily beaten by George, losing 5 out of 6 matches.


In 2011 the debate over which female music artist was the craziest resulted in a UFC cage match between Lady Gaga and P!nk. The match lasted 12 hours before a strung out old skank arrived, bitch slapped both girls, flashed the crowd, and passed out. Lady Gaga and P!nk stopped fighting, shook hands, and decided that no matter how freaky they each became, neither of them had anything on Courtney Love.

 

Just a little background... - This may have been the strangest UFC match ever aired, even stranger than George's battle with Deep Blue or Neal's fight against that octopus.

This may have been the strangest UFC match ever aired, even stranger than George's battle with Deep Blue or Neal's fight against that octopus.

Photo by: George


In 2003, becoming increasingly paranoid that officials at the Pentagon were conspiring against him, George W. Bush asked that George and Neal create the Hexagon, a secret governmental branch whose sole purpose was only to monitor the Pentagon. Later, G.W. became paranoid that those at the Hexagon were also against his interests. G.W. then asked George and Neal to create the Octagon, to monitor the Hexagon. This pattern repeated itself for some time. After the commission of the Dodecahedron, funding problems became so evident that the program was scrapped. After leaving the economy in disrepair, G.W. was confident that the government no longer had the money to be of any threat to him, and happily left office to pursue his passion (engaging in heated "Connect the Dot" competitions).


These used to be "The Grand Saga of George, Neal, and Clem's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!" but at some point, due to a glitch in the time machine or teleportation device, Clem ceased to exist. There is absolutely no record of Clem except for this cryptic photograph (and the t-shirts that both Neal and George have saying "I am Currently Surviving The Grand Saga of George, Neal, and Clem's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding) and All I Have is This Lousy T-Shirt!"):

 

Just a little background... - On second thought, maybe this WILL be "The Grand Saga of George, Neal, and Clem's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!"... Regardless, we have no idea who Clem is or will be and no recollection of this photograph ever being taken, even though Neal and George each have a copy that they carry with them in their wallets.

On second thought, maybe this WILL be "The Grand Saga of George, Neal, and Clem's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!"... Regardless, we have no idea who Clem is or will be and no recollection of this photograph ever being taken, even though Neal and George each have a copy that they carry with them in their wallets.

Photo by: George


After the success of online dating websites such as "Eharmony" and "J-Date" (a social/dating website for Jewish people), George and Neal created their own dating websites, including:

- "Hey-Hey-Hey" Date, the world's largest singles network for those people who like the character Dwayne Clemens Nelson from the now-defunct television sitcom, "What's Happening!!";
- L-Harmony - the singles network for Lepers; and
- Rrhrrrhhhhrrrrrrrgrrhhdate.com, the dating website devoted entirely to newly-turned zombies.

Although each was quite successful for a period of time, only Rrhrrrhhhhrrrrrrrgrrhhdate.com withstood the tests of time. Although Neal and George are not zombies, they occasionally log on time with the site. You can find Neal and George under their respective pseudonyms, "Grauh?" and "Dr. Teeth".

 

Just a little background... - Meat someone with similar tastes as you, or your neighbor, or the neighbor's dog...

Meat someone with similar tastes as you, or your neighbor, or the neighbor's dog...

Photo by: George


In 2009 George, along with Neal's wife Clarissa, developed the Genetic Origins Nurturing And Development System or GONADS. This revolutionary device takes prenatal learning programs (like Lullabelly, Bellysonic and FirstSounds) one step further and incorporates the latest developments in Gene Expression and Epigenetics research. The device uses a combination of audio and magnetic signals to actually educate gametes (sperm and egg cells). Using techniques discovered through epigenetics research we can ensure that information learned by sperm and egg cells is actually passed on to successive generations. Purchase one today and your children and grandchildren will be smarter! Purchase one for your children and your grandchildren and great grandchildren will be even smarter. Give your descendants the head start they need to compete in the highly competitive future (take it from us, we've been there). Your descendants can get into the best schools, land the best jobs, and get the highest scores in Donkey Kong. If you don't buy our GONADS you don't love your children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great... You get the picture. Neal, along with George's wife Julie, helped promote the GONADS with an international lecture tour in late 2010, demonstrating the effects of using the device (the time machine was used to secretly fit the GONADS to Julie's great-grandparents, grandparents, and parents) versus a non-educated genetic history (Neal's ancestors were not fitted with the device). Millions were convinced that the device works as advertised.


In 1980, when George and Neal were both 2 years old, they were given the Nobel Peace Prize as a result of older George and Neal traveling back in time and telling the Nobel Peace Prize officials about all of the great things they would do in a few decades. Giving out "prospective" Nobel Peace Prizes was unheard of at the time, but obviously, things change over time.


By 2040, the number of internet search engines were so voluminous and staggering (including Infoseek, Lycos, Yahoo, Google, Magellan, AltaVista, Ask Jeeves, Ask.com, Goodsearch, SearchMe, Wheresthatdangwebsite.com and 150 million others) that George and Neal started their own search engine, which conveniently enough searched for other search engines.


By 2012 NBC was having trouble finding people for its hit show "America's Got Talent". So they created a sequel, which George and Neal tried out for in 2013. Unfortunately they didn't make it past the first round of voting in "America's Run Out of Talent".

 

Just a little background... - George & Neal's performance of their short play, "Vegetables vs Knights" spurred a standing ovation, weeping in the audience, and rave reviews. However, they were asked to leave the show because their level of talent was just over the allowed threshold.

George & Neal's performance of their short play, "Vegetables vs Knights" spurred a standing ovation, weeping in the audience, and rave reviews. However, they were asked to leave the show because their level of talent was just over the allowed threshold.

Photo by: George


In March 2010 George and Neal got their families together for a trip to the zoo. They had a fantastic time and said it was a shame they hadn't done that sooner. So they jumped in the time machine and got their families together for a trip to the zoo in October of 2009. They had a fantastic time and said they should do it again some time. So in March 2010 they got their families together for a trip to the zoo. They had a fantastic time...


In October 2009, Neal was kidnapped by the group, People Against Kneeling (or PAK; male members are known as PAK-Men and those married to PAK-Men may still retain their "Ms." nomenclature). Neal was abducted solely because his name could be construed as a command to kneel. As a result, Neal could not update the chronicling of George and Neal's epic journeys through life (and a few times, death, but we'll get to that later. Or never.) In November 2009, Neal escaped, evading security cameras, ironically, by kneeling down. You'd think the PAK-Men would have seen that one coming.


In 1878, Eadweard Muybridge created what was essentially the world's first "motion picture." Later that year, Neal and George created the first viral video, "Two Seamstresses, One Thimble."


On December 20, 2012 George and Neal discovered that the world was not in fact ending, according to previous beliefs based on the Mayan calendar. Rather, all that was needed was to turn the calendar upside down and it would work for another 5126 years; kind of like a giant hourglass, but heavier.

 

Just a little background... - Flipping the Mayan calendar was pretty easy, thanks to our super strength. Besides, we had flipped the universe once, what's a big rock?

Flipping the Mayan calendar was pretty easy, thanks to our super strength. Besides, we had flipped the universe once, what's a big rock?

Photo by: George


For four years (1995 - 1999) George filled in for the Boogie Man while he was on sabbatical. Those exceptionally productive years are affectionately known as "George's Ghastly Spell" by Boogie Man aficionados. Neal spent the same time period impersonating the Tooth Fairy until she finally caught up with him in early 1999 and kicked his ass. Today, Neal is known as the Toothless Fairy among Tooth Fairy aficionados.


In the early 2000's, George and Neal were hired by FOX studios to pitch movie ideas. Given their many adventures, you'd think they would have a wealth of ideas for hit movies. As it turns out, they did not. Instead, George and Neal decided to follow the example made by the immensely financially successful "Aliens Versus Predators (AVP)" (e.g. lazily combining two movie properties together rather than coming up with actual cogent ideas). Neal and George started combining movie properties in hopes of creating blockbusters. It worked - they made a fortune producing such memorable hits as "Horton Hears A Gremlin," "That was Then, This is Apocalypse Now!", "The Wizard of Blade Runner", and "Aliens versus Peanuts". Thereafter, they tried to branch out into making other types of movies, but had little success. After creating "The Entirely Ending Story", they called it a day.

 

Just a little background... - Though the movie holds an 86% on RottenTomatoes.com, the novelization is far superior, as it includes emotionally resonant subtext completely absent in the movie.

Though the movie holds an 86% on RottenTomatoes.com, the novelization is far superior, as it includes emotionally resonant subtext completely absent in the movie.

Photo by: Neal

 

Aliens versus Peanuts - The kids made fun of Linus constantly, but at least the Great Pumpkin didn't have two sets of teeth and an appetite for human flesh.

The kids made fun of Linus constantly, but at least the Great Pumpkin didn't have two sets of teeth and an appetite for human flesh.

Photo by: Neal


In 1981 George founded the Midwest University of Trickery in Elocution (M.U.T.E.); the most prestigious school of ventriloquism, and the only one to offer a full range of degrees and certifications, including the esteemed Pu.D. (Doctorate of Puppetry). In response Neal founded the Disparate Union of Mumbling Mannequins and Inanimate Entertainment Sycophants (D.U.M.M.I.E.S.) to fight for the rights of puppets everywhere. This short lived organization dissolved quickly when none of the members would speak up for themselves.

 

Just a little background... - Neal with the first, and only, group of officers for the Disparate Union of Mumbling Mannequins and Inanimate Entertainment Sycophants (D.U.M.M.I.E.S.). On the plus side, before the union was dissolved, Neal was able to buy a used 1975 Trabant from the guy at the bottom left in the hat with the black band.

Neal with the first, and only, group of officers for the Disparate Union of Mumbling Mannequins and Inanimate Entertainment Sycophants (D.U.M.M.I.E.S.). On the plus side, before the union was dissolved, Neal was able to buy a used 1975 Trabant from the guy at the bottom left in the hat with the black band.

Photo by: George


After hearing that Isaac Newton once disparaged Neal's great-great-great-great Grandfather's honor, George and Neal went back to 1666, and chucked an apple at his head. Incidentally, this led to the discovery of gravity by the somewhat confused scientist. George took this to mean that if he threw random things at people's heads, they, too, would have equally as grand epiphanies. Soon, Neal learned that George liked to randomly and without warning throw things at his head. The only discovery Neal had that day? Apples freakin' hurt. George was entirely satisfied with that epiphany.


For some unknown reason Japanese people like to take photographs of George. Only Neal likes to take photos of Neal, in those Anne Geddes baby-flower costumes. Please don't ask Neal about it. It's really just a comfort thing. And really, who are you to judge?


Hearing about the steep decline in readers for magazines such as Sports Illustrated and Men's Health, George and Neal decided to start their own magazine to capture those increasingly less-active readers. In December, 2009, George and Neal started their own magazine, Couch Potatoes Illustrated. With articles such as "How to Increase Your Lazy Boy Butt Imprint," "Which Brand of Doritos is Right For You" and "20 Ways to Please Your...Self", demand for the magazine was high. Unfortunately, none of the would-be subscribers had enough energy to purchase the magazine, resulting in cancellation after one issue.


Throughout the years George and Neal have helped create several famous documentaries, including Gheorghe Marinescu's "The walking troubles of organic hemiplegy" and "The walking troubles of organic paraplegies"; Edward S. Curtis's "In the Land of the Head Hunters"; Robert J. Flaherty's "Nanook of the North"; William Shakespeare's "Hamlet", "A Midsummer Night's Dream", and "Macbeth"; and Michael Moore's "SiCKO"; and James Cameron's "Terminator".


In 2023 George and Neal each got jobs as meteorologists for competing local Chicago VV stations (VV will be the replacement for TV in the future). Both made the promise to their stations that within the first year they would be able to refine their techniques so that their forecasting would be 100% accurate. After significant analysis of sophisticated weather forecasting algorithms they both managed to make good on their promises; George by limiting his forecasts to only the current weather, Neal by only predicting the previous day's weather. They were still more accurate than any other meteorologist in history. Oddly enough, neither of them thought of using their time machine to visit the future to get their perfect predictions.

 

Just a little background... - Neal never took his meteorologist job seriously. This was one of the tamer weather systems he had fun with. You should see what he can do with a tropical depression.  Also note that Chicago will be moved and become the entire state of Ohio.

Neal never took his meteorologist job seriously. This was one of the tamer weather systems he had fun with. You should see what he can do with a tropical depression. Also note that Chicago will be moved and become the entire state of Ohio.

Photo by: George


Between 2056 and 2058, George and Neal had little contact, due to a government-sought restraining order. During those years, Awesomeness!™ was outlawed; so, to eliminate as much Awesomeness!™ as possible, George and Neal were ordered to keep away from one another (except for that brief period in 2058 when they secretly invented the edible harmonica under cover of the darkest night). In 2059, Awesomeness!™ was reinstated, and George and Neal were allowed to continue their adventures. They reconnected during 2059... Well, in actual fact, for them it was 2059, but they really reconnected during 424 BCE, in Ancient Persia. At that time, George and Neal started a business selling camels to the citizens of Persia (which were used in combat because of the camels' natural ability to scare off horses in close ranges, a quality famously employed by the Achaemenid Persians when fighting Lydia... See? Education is fun!). George and Neal were known for selling camels with enhanced feet and toes, which assisted the camels during their long and sometimes treacherous travel. You can still purchase your own enhanced camel, provided you, too, have a time machine and can find George and Neal's shop, "Freaky Deaky Camels". (Not the best name for a shop, but much better than Neal's suggestion, "Hey, Look at all my Camel Toes!" and George's suggestion, "My Friend Neal Has Camel Toes".)


In the latter half of the middle third of the eighth month of 2010 George and Neal started a new social networking site dedicated solely to the most technologically neglected members of our families. By 2011 Snoutbook boasted nearly 150 million members around the world. Many popular applications from Facebook were ported over to Snoutbook, but updated so that our pets can play. Mafia Wars is now Dog Fights, Farmville has been rebranded as Labor Force, Flair is called Tags, Quizzes has become Obedience School, and all those little gifts that you can send back and forth...now just different ways to smell friends' asses. George's dog, Moxie, is hooked.

 

Just a little background... - Snoutbook gives dogs everywhere the opportunity to do something other than lick their crotches to pass the time. But Snoutbook isn't just for dogs! Cats, horses, ferrets, gerbils, wombats, or any other critter is welcome to join the world's fastest growing social networking site.

Snoutbook gives dogs everywhere the opportunity to do something other than lick their crotches to pass the time. But Snoutbook isn't just for dogs! Cats, horses, ferrets, gerbils, wombats, or any other critter is welcome to join the world's fastest growing social networking site.

Photo by: George


In 2048, Neal claimed to invent an invisibility potion, and thereafter used the potion to open up many financially successful invisible zoos. George later discovered that Neal didn't devise any invisibility potion, but rather created an elaborate and complex hoax (okay, so it wasn't that complex, since Neal just held up his hand and claimed to be holding something invisible).

 

Just a little background... - Neal relaxes with a delicious invisible Dr. Pepper. (Now with even less calories than Diet Dr. Pepper!)

Neal relaxes with a delicious invisible Dr. Pepper. (Now with even less calories than Diet Dr. Pepper!)

Photo by: Neal


In 1975 a hiccup in the Teleportation Device George and Neal use to travel instantaneously across huge distances caused them to swap realities with alternate versions of themselves that came from a parallel universe where everyone has what we would call in this reality, "SUPER POWERS" (yes, in all caps). Shortly after arriving in this reality the SUPER George and Neal realized that they were the only ones in this reality with their special powers. They quickly turned to a life of heroic deeds, saving humanity from many disasters, criminals, and accidents. Meanwhile, in the alternate SUPER reality, normal George and Neal were soon discovered to lack the ability to fly, leap over tall buildings in a single bound, or catch a speeding bullet in their teeth (although that last one was luckily never tested since in the SUPER reality bullets are useless and thus guns were never invented). Initially George and Neal were ridiculed and abused, then later pitied and became the beneficiaries of several humanitarian charities. Scientists researched them, tested them, and probed them mercilessly. Until late in 1977, when George had finally had enough. He left the confines of the research facility and searched for a useful role in society. He was amazed to find out that despite all their SUPER abilities, the residents of the SUPER reality lacked some very basic skills. So George forged a new identity, saving the SUPER citizens from environmental and financial disaster. George became "Bicycle Repair Man!", fixing the basic mode of transportation for all the SUPER beings. (You see, since they were SUPER strong and SUPER fast the inhabitants of the SUPER reality never had the need to invent automobiles. They could pedal anywhere as fast as they wanted. However their lack of bicycle repair skills meant they never fixed their bicycles when they broke. Instead they would toss them in the nearest landfill and purchase another new bike, resulting in thousands and thousands of square miles of nothing but bicycle junkyards - providing plenty of usable parts for George, the Bicycle Repair Man!) Neal, on the other hand, kind of enjoyed the scientific probes and remained in the research facility until 1984 when an unusually active burst of sunspots caused the rift in the reality matrix to fix itself and sent SUPER George and Neal back to their own reality and returned normal George and Neal to this reality.

 

Just a little background... - SUPER George working his day job as a pizza delivery man. He saved thousands from hunger by delivering pizza to the bad neighborhoods that other pizza delivery guys were afraid to traverse. Just one of SUPER George's many heroic deeds during his tenure in this reality.

SUPER George working his day job as a pizza delivery man. He saved thousands from hunger by delivering pizza to the bad neighborhoods that other pizza delivery guys were afraid to traverse. Just one of SUPER George's many heroic deeds during his tenure in this reality.

Photo by: George


After a heated debate with his wife where she stated, "Everything is not always about you, George!", George went back in time (just prior to the beginning of that conversation), and invented a ray that temporarily made it so that anything and everything that anyone talked about was all about George. Luckily, the effects wore off, but not without any consequences; there was one side effect - it turns out that prior to that moment, the name George had never existed, and the ray caused people to believe many of their important historical icons were named George. For example, George Washington was originally named "Melvin Washington"; George Takei was (coincidentally) named "Sulu Takei"; and George Jaros was originally "Bagrat Jaros".


In 2022, at George and Neal's insistence (ok, it was actually persistence - we agreed to finally stop whining about it if the IOC included it - we can be very persuasive) Snowball Fights became an Olympic sport. USA won the first two Olympics with the event (mainly because the IOC refused to acknowledge it and there were no other competitors in 2022 and only Ghana in 2026). Unfortunately by 2041 global warming had progressed to the point where holding Winter Olympics was pretty pointless (the 2040 Olympics were mainly a soggy, slushy mess), so 2044 marked the first ever Spring Olympics (since Winter as a season no longer existed anywhere on Earth except Detroit for some reason, but no one wanted to travel there). Instead of Bobsled there was the Mudslide, Speed Skating became Liquid Mountaineering (look it up), and Snowball Fights became The Mud Sling. Throwing mud rekindled George and Neal's interest in the Olympics (they quickly realized in 2023 that snowball fights were a bit immature) and George and Neal promptly joined the 2048 US Olympic Mud Slinging Team where they led the team to 18 consecutive Olympic Mud Slinging Gold Medals (including 48 of the 51 World Mudslinging Championships in non-Olympic years - The Republican and Democratic parties won the other three years).

 

Just a little background... - Members of the 2030 Canadian Snowball Team deftly dodging a barrage of snow from the signature move, Holy White Fury, of the Vatican team.

Members of the 2030 Canadian Snowball Team deftly dodging a barrage of snow from the signature move, Holy White Fury, of the Vatican team.

Photo by: George

 

Lose the loincloth please... - Neal preparing to sling a whopper at Flu Pou Tou Eue, the captain of the Chinese team, in 2056. Neal claimed the extra weight gave him an advantage, but we think he just liked eating too much mud. And he never had an excuse for the loincloth...

Neal preparing to sling a whopper at Flu Pou Tou Eue, the captain of the Chinese team, in 2056. Neal claimed the extra weight gave him an advantage, but we think he just liked eating too much mud. And he never had an excuse for the loincloth...

Photo by: George


In 1919 George and Neal started raising a sleuth of bears that would eat only cheese. For quite a while this was pretty useless, but it came in very handy in 2011 when the Chicago Bears met the Green Bay Packers for the NFC championship.

 

Just a little background... - One of George and Neal's cheese eating bears preparing to devour its catch of the day. These bears live in Illinois, but forage for food north of the border.

One of George and Neal's cheese eating bears preparing to devour its catch of the day. These bears live in Illinois, but forage for food north of the border.

Photo by: George


After extensive research for 23 years, George and Neal released the results of their Studio Carrum Ccohortis project. They discovered a very complex formula for determining the winners of any given sporting event. Careful comparison between two teams and their fans can show which team will actually win any given sporting event. Taken into consideration is such data as how many fans watch or attend an event when they normally wouldn't, how many fans are absent from events they would normally attend, how many fans wear apparel supporting their team when they normally wouldn't, how many fans' lucky garments are unable to be worn, who shaved or didn't shave their beard or legs, etc. All of this information gets compiled and the results for two competing teams are compared to predict which team will win the event. Their current algorithm is 98.458% correct and being improved all the time. So the next time someone says it's your fault their team lost because you had to go and watch the game, they were probably right.


Between January 2111 and August 2121 George and Neal set out on a quest to discover as many creatures generally thought to be imaginary as possible. Over their 10 year hunt they proved the existence of unicorns, pixies, trolls, harpies, thunderbirds, centaurs, Nessie, yeti and sasquatch (but not bigfoot), Gary Busey, chimera, phoenix, and sqrt -1.

 

Just a little background... - Over the course of 10 years Neal tried lots of different ways of attracting the elusive unicorn. The big question isn't why he tried out this costume, but why he didn't stop wearing it after we found a unicorn.

Over the course of 10 years Neal tried lots of different ways of attracting the elusive unicorn. The big question isn't why he tried out this costume, but why he didn't stop wearing it after we found a unicorn.

Photo by: George


In 1995, George and Neal published the first ever "Idiots Guide To..." book under the pseudonyms "Astronauts Thomas D. Jones, Ph.D. and Michael Benson", respectively. Unfortunately, it was only after printing 10,000 copies that they realized there was little market for The Idiots Guide To Circumcision. (That there were "full color illustrations" did not improve sales.)

 

Just a little background... - Upon reflection, we probably shouldn't have included a "Tips" section in each chapter.

Upon reflection, we probably shouldn't have included a "Tips" section in each chapter.

Photo by: Neal


The current world-record for an individual procrastinating on a project is 78 years, 8 months, 4 days, 16 hours, 12 minutes, and 31 seconds. George and Neal would like to someday beat that record, but they haven't gotten around to it yet.


In 2068 George and Neal accidentally engineered a new strain of the flu virus, called Aracauna Flu, and then subsequently became the first people to catch the traumatic, but nonfatal disease. The symptoms of Aracauna Flu are much more uncomfortable than any previous flu strain, but luckily they rarely prove to be fatal. Symptoms start with a mild fever and nausea, followed by a sharp cough. Soon after the cough starts, victims will notice soft flaky growths beginning to cover the skin. Over the course of 48-72 hours the cough begins to sound more like a cluck and the flaky growths become more feather-like. At the height of the illness the afflicted will very closely resemble the Aracauna chicken, complete with sideburn like tufts of feathery growths (we suspect this may have something to do with our invention of muttonchop sideburns, but that theory is unproven). Luckily the whole affliction goes away suddenly when the patient wakes up one morning surrounded by a pile of feathers and with a morbid desire for an omelet. The only known fatalities of Aracauna Flu were the result of infected people getting too close to foxes or a Kenny Rodger's Roasters (so if you are afflicted, please stay out of the Philippines and Malaysia).

 

Just a little background... - It's a good thing we didn't run into Kenny Rogers. I mean, c'mon, look at those juicy breasts!

It's a good thing we didn't run into Kenny Rogers. I mean, c'mon, look at those juicy breasts!

Photo by: George


In 2034, as a result of their love of George and Neal, America did away with their bipartisan political landscape, replacing it with a more unified governmental system known as Neorgitarians. But by 2035, the unification was no more - the group had splintered into two distinct and separate groups, Nealocrats and Georgicans. Nealocrats were considered intelligent, rational, and well-spoken; however, they constantly inappropriately dressed for most occasions.

 

Just a little background... - Above: A Nealocrat attending a somber funeral. Most assuredly, this did not put the "fun" back in "funeral." It did, however, put the "uncomfortable" back in "uncomfortabuneral".

Above: A Nealocrat attending a somber funeral. Most assuredly, this did not put the "fun" back in "funeral." It did, however, put the "uncomfortable" back in "uncomfortabuneral".

Photo by: Neal

Georgicans were widely considered insane, but known to have excellent table manners.


Starting in 2115 George and Neal started sending weekly weight gain supplements and steroids to the Dwarf Planet Pluto. By 2194 Pluto had gained enough mass to achieve orbital dominance, thus re-establishing it in its rightful place as the 9th Planet of the solar system. Unfortunately Pluto's not quite so polite method of clearing its orbit, and the eventual battery of its moon Charon resulted in the rest of the Solar System's objects holding an intervention and ultimately sending Pluto to a rehab facility. In 2238 Pluto returned to the Solar System clean and friendly, though substantially less massive. Pluto was able to remain docile and still retain enough mass to keep its status as a full fledged planet through a healthy regimen of diet and exercise.

 

Just a little background... - It was hard to see since the sun was so far away, but we're pretty sure Pluto had a red neck.

It was hard to see since the sun was so far away, but we're pretty sure Pluto had a red neck.

Photo by: George


Sickened by the inappropriate nature of the popular show "Toddlers & Tiaras", in 2018 George and Neal created a much more family-friendly rival show, "Nanas & Tiaras".

 

Just a little background... - CBS dubbed it their "hottest program of the summer". Unfortunately for the viewing public, it was a very accurate statement.

CBS dubbed it their "hottest program of the summer". Unfortunately for the viewing public, it was a very accurate statement.

Photo by: Neal


In 1987, Neal organized a one-man a protest against Dial Corporation, demanding that they move their headquarters back to Chicago. Neal's rage was initiated by the split with Greyhound Lines (yes, the bus company - he really likes vehicles named after fast, skinny animals) and in anger he decided to boycott Dial soap and protest. Some people suggested he just follow Greyhound Lines, but his fear of Texas prevented him from heading to Dallas. So for 3 months Neal danced outside Dial Corporation's new headquarters in Phoenix, Arizona. While Neal's protest didn't garner any attention from either Dial Corporation or Greyhound Lines, it did inspire the title for Eleanor Bergstein's screenplay (up to then titled "A Corner for Baby"). "Dirty Dancing" became a huge hit, and Neal never received the credit for his inspiration. Surprisingly, George played the role of muse for part of the movie, too. John DeNicola and Franke Previte were inspired to write the song "Hungry Eyes" after meeting George shortly after a short circuit caused the teleportation device to erroneously reconstruct George with extra mouths where his eyes should have been (fortunately his eyes were relocated to his extra tongues, so he could see and scream at the same time).

 

Just a little background... - Luckily the teleportation device replaced all George's body parts in their proper locations before he needed to eat a meal. That would have looked pretty nasty.

Luckily the teleportation device replaced all George's body parts in their proper locations before he needed to eat a meal. That would have looked pretty nasty.

Photo by: George


In 2012, after being told about many of George and Neal's great exploits, Neal's son Adin asked if he could be a part of their future escapades and adventures. George and Neal were readily willing to include him in their time-travel and general awesomeness, but after reading "Hercules and the Twelve Labors," Adin was deterimined to prove himself worthy of their greatness. Similar to Hercules cleaning the Augean stables in a single day. Adin was determined to clean Neal's room in a single day. Then it became a week. Then a month.... Thankfully, Adin used the time machine over and over so he was able to do the entire month of cleaning in a single day. Adin then traveled to the year 2080, and worked towards domesticating sharks. Sharks proved so popular a pet that they replaced dogs. Mainly by eating them.

 

Just a little background... - After seeing this, Marlboro approached Adin to be the sponsor of their kid line of cigarettes. Adin thankfully refused, but liked their pitch of "Sharkboy, the 21st century Cowboy".

After seeing this, Marlboro approached Adin to be the sponsor of their kid line of cigarettes. Adin thankfully refused, but liked their pitch of "Sharkboy, the 21st century Cowboy".

Photo by: Neal

Then, similar to Hercules capturing and bringing back Cerberus, Adin traveled to 3087, captured a zombie, and brought him back to 2012. Contrary to popular belief, Zombies can be domesticated. Already knowledgeable about the task of domestication after the Shark Task, Adin befriended the Zombie, lovingly known as "Mrrrggghghh". Adin brought him everywhere. It made for many awkward social situations.

 

My Pet Mrrrggghghh - Mrrrggghghh's gift to the couple, a severed head, was, predictably, not appreciated.

Mrrrggghghh's gift to the couple, a severed head, was, predictably, not appreciated.

Photo by: Neal


In 2022 Neal was having a mid-life crisis and had decided to head to Vegas to gamble his life savings away. George joined him thinking it would be a great opportunity to film a documentary. George recorded Neal's obsessive gambling (slots, blackjack, roulette, he tried everything to no avail). Eventually, Neal was completely broke (had even sold his shoes, pants and shirt) and had finally resorted to singing parodies of Weird Al songs in the hopes of earning a few cents or a crust of bread. An unusually sympathetic transvestite chorus girl (guy?) decided to give him a break and tossed $5 in his plastic tip cup. He immediately used it to play Keno at the Mirage, and won! And he didn't stop winning until he had earned $1.5 million, plus a new pair of pants! By 2030 Neal was a multi-billionaire and George won an Oscar for their documentary, entitled "Neal and Out - The Fall and Rise of a Modern Legend".

 

Just a little background... - It is suspected that this movie's Academy Award wasn't the result of the heartwarming, incredible story of Neal's Keno winnings, but rather the fact that George narrated the whole thing while breathing massive quantities of helium. Also the narration had nothing to do with the movie, but was just George reading from The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

It is suspected that this movie's Academy Award wasn't the result of the heartwarming, incredible story of Neal's Keno winnings, but rather the fact that George narrated the whole thing while breathing massive quantities of helium. Also the narration had nothing to do with the movie, but was just George reading from The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

Photo by: George


In order to celebrate his genius, George and Neal went back in time to 1952 to meet Albert Einstein. Rather than being interested in scientific breakthroughs and new physics concepts of the new millennium, Einstein wished only to learn of our current fashion trends. Consequently, history was altered ever-so-slightly, and now getting your tongue pierced is commonly referred to as "going all Einstein on your mouth".

 

Just a little background... - According to Einstein, "Ziss vas vorth de infection."

According to Einstein, "Ziss vas vorth de infection."

Photo by: Neal


In 1994 George began his extensive napkin collection. He collected paper cafeteria napkins and stored them in school lockers around the world. Around the same time Neal started his grand toilet paper collection, storing incredible amounts of toilet paper in laundromats all around Cincinnati. The big difference? George's weren't used.

 

Just a little background... - The school administration didn't know whether they should laugh or cry. Ironically, if they did cry, they had no tissues whatsoever for their tears.

The school administration didn't know whether they should laugh or cry. Ironically, if they did cry, they had no tissues whatsoever for their tears.

Photo by: George


Overwhelmed by the success of the Harry Potter franchise (books, movies, games, cereals, tampons, etc.) and eager to revive the 1970's sitcoms, in 2009 George and Neal created the show, "Welcome Back Potter." It was an instant success, if you measured success by how quickly a show gets removed from a network.

 

Just a little background... - Above: promotional photograph for "Harry Potter and the Unruly Sweathogs".

Above: promotional photograph for "Harry Potter and the Unruly Sweathogs".

Photo by: Neal


In 2012 George and Neal began marketing their line of 2012 Advent Calendars. They were inspired by the Mayan calendar, so they only went up to the 21st of December.

 

Just a little background... - Luckily we didn't discover how to avoid the 12/21/2012 apocalypse until after we had made millions from the sales of the calendars.

Luckily we didn't discover how to avoid the 12/21/2012 apocalypse until after we had made millions from the sales of the calendars.

Photo by: George


Hoping to get in on the "full body motion" video games made popular by the Wii and XBox Kinect, George and Neal invented "Sleep Sleep Revolution." Sales were sluggish, likely because the target demographic was too lazy to venture out to buy a copy.

 

Just a little background... - "So warm... So cozy... So inviting.... ARE YOU UP TO THE CHALLENGE???"

"So warm... So cozy... So inviting.... ARE YOU UP TO THE CHALLENGE???"

Photo by: Neal


In 2013, in an attempt to connect with the average American, Westboro Baptist Church contacted Neal and George for their advice. We recommended they reach the American public through food. In early 2014 the church released their Westboro Bun Sized Weiners in the hopes that they would be sold at little league baseball and pee-wee football games across the nation. Unfortunately the slogan for the hotdogs, "Our Weiners Fit In Your Buns!" didn't do much to help the church's cause. Later that year the entire church and hot dog factory was swallowed by a large fish.

 

Just a little background... - Ingredients include: Beef, Hypocrisy, Water, Salt, Corn Syrup, Dextrose, Mustard, Natural Flavorings (including Brimstone, Hellfire, and Natural Smoke) and Coloring (but not Black, Yellow, Brown or Red), Garlic Juice (Garlic Juice, Salt), Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite, Extractives of Paprika, Sheep Casing. We suspect the beef was from a golden calf.

Ingredients include: Beef, Hypocrisy, Water, Salt, Corn Syrup, Dextrose, Mustard, Natural Flavorings (including Brimstone, Hellfire, and Natural Smoke) and Coloring (but not Black, Yellow, Brown or Red), Garlic Juice (Garlic Juice, Salt), Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite, Extractives of Paprika, Sheep Casing.

We suspect the beef was from a golden calf.

Photo by: George


In 1933, Columbia's "3 Nice Regular Guys" premiered, starring Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and George Jaros. The three produced 25 eight-to-twelve minute shorts, wherein the three gentlemen treated each other with utmost respect and kindness. Much of the shorts consisted of handshakes and compliments. The reviews and ratings were horrid. This led to a severe decrease in pay. Since it was George's suggestion that Moe and Larry leave promising jobs as orthodontists to pursue acting, the latter two developed a deep and secret hatred towards an unsuspecting George. One day, the pressure was too much, and they beat him within an inch of his life. The thrashing was unknowingly filmed, and proved so hilarious (many considering George's "not in the face, not in the face!" pleas their favorite moment) and popular that repeated showings sold out. Soon re-dubbed "The 3 Stooges" with the focus on gross body injuries resulting from idiotic behavior, Columbia had a hit. George, not being used to the constant beatings that most people in the 1930's had become accustomed to, could not continue on in the show. With no hard feelings, Larry and Moe agreed to hire George's great-great-great uncle, Curly Howard Jaros. The rest, as they say, was history. Until George and Neal decide to change it again.

 

Just a little background... - "The 3 Gentlemen," just moments before George's pain brought happiness to so many.

"The 3 Gentlemen," just moments before George's pain brought happiness to so many.

Photo by: Neal


For six years, from 2021 to 2027 Neal tried very hard to get the world to pick up male-leotards as the latest fashion trend (he called them Nealotards). Those are known as the "Twenty Twenty Dark Ages" because not only did it occur during the 2020's, but Neal was featured on 20/20 in 2022 and also anyone with 20-20 vision went blind when they saw Neal strutting his stuff. Coincidentally, Neal is facing 20 law suits after this stunt.

 

Just a little background... - Once you've seen it you can't un-see it.

Once you've seen it you can't un-see it.

Photo by: George


With the success of Hasbro's Transformers and G.I. Joe toy lines, rival toy company Tonka sought to create their own action figure toy lines. After achieving limited success with the Gobots, in 1985, Tonka execs approached George and Neal in an effort to cash in on their fame. The toy line was an immediate success, and such figures as "Kung Fu Grip George" and "Nasal Drip Neal" sold like hot cakes.

 

Just a little background... - This limited edition George figure sells for more today than your child's entire college education. Either is just as likely to get your kid a job in this economy.

This limited edition George figure sells for more today than your child's entire college education. Either is just as likely to get your kid a job in this economy.

Photo by: Neal

 

Chronal Warriors Neal - Tonka's 15th generation toy line included this toy, "Library Attending Neal."

Tonka's 15th generation toy line included this toy, "Library Attending Neal."

Photo by: Neal

 

Grabbin' my Neal and George - Still from the CLIO award-winning but unfortunately titled commercial, "Grabbin' my Neal and George".

Still from the CLIO award-winning but unfortunately titled commercial, "Grabbin' my Neal and George".

Photo by: Neal

The toy line made George and Neal oodles of money. George was just happy that now when Neal played with himself in public, it wasn't so controversial.


In 2036 George and Neal started one of the most aggressive research studies into ESP and telepathy (prophecy wasn't included since we already had our time machine and didn't need to know the future). The study was proceeding very well, with huge leaps of knowledge about how to read other peoples' minds, until March 15, 2037. Two days previously subject 1337 shouted "Beware the Ides of March". But since we weren't studying prophecy, and didn't see any inherent danger in the song "Vehicle", we ignored him. Unfortunately that was a mistake because on Sunday, March 15, 2037 we began Operation Baffle, in which we paired up our telepathic test subjects and asked them to read each other's minds. We failed to anticipate the feedback loop that would be caused as each telepath read the mind of another telepath that was reading the mind of the initial telepath again. The result was a complete meltdown in the research facility as alpha brainwaves were mutated into destructive tau patterns (dubbed taunamis). Every telepath entered a catatonic state, except for one, who described the mind boggling effect to be like looking in a mirror with another mirror behind you. The same thought patterns were repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... We've since decided to stop messing around with the laws of metaphysics. Physics is still fair game though.


Neal enjoys eating pickled pig snouts, but only if they're Kosher. George enjoys eating all the foods his wife won't let him eat.

 

Just a little background... - Rabbi Rosenberg's Kosher Pickled Pigs Feet can be found in the eternal damnation section of most grocery stores, next to Cardinal O'Leary's D'Licious Friday Lenten Pickled Tripe, which coincidentally is just down from the Westboro Bun Size Wieners.

Rabbi Rosenberg's Kosher Pickled Pigs Feet can be found in the eternal damnation section of most grocery stores, next to Cardinal O'Leary's D'Licious Friday Lenten Pickled Tripe, which coincidentally is just down from the Westboro Bun Size Wieners.

Photo by: George


In August 2012, Clint Eastwood was thought to have embarrassed himself at the Republican National Convention by pretending to argue with an invisible President Obama, when in actuality he was merely talking with an empty chair. Most of the world cut him some slack when they realized that not six months earlier, Eastwood participated in the famous "Eastwood / Invisible Neal" debates, ironically emceed by a very visible Obama. You couldn't blame the guy for later getting slightly confused.

 

Just a little background... - Despite being invisible, Neal frustrated many by continually asking how his hair was.

Despite being invisible, Neal frustrated many by continually asking how his hair was.

Photo by: Neal


In 2012, George's sons Sam and Mike wondered if they had the potential to be as amazing as their dad and his friend Neal. Sam wanted to learn to make pottery. So George signed him up for the Fall 1987 pottery classes at Sunny Caverns Park District (because the cost of pottery classes was cheaper back then). Sam proved to be an incredible talent and made some very life-like works out of clay. His finest moment came when he sculpted a very realistic baby duckling!

 

Just a little background... - When he was done it walked like a duck, swam like a duck, and quacked like a duck. Unfortunately it still broke like a ceramic pot.

When he was done it walked like a duck, swam like a duck, and quacked like a duck. Unfortunately it still broke like a ceramic pot.

Photo by: George

George's other son, Mike, entered the 2012 Olympics and took 1st place in the 100 meter dash, beating Usain Bolt by two whole strides! George was very proud that the boys got their looks from their mom, but inherited his ability to amaze.

 

Welcome aboard Mike! - And Mike even gave Usain Bolt a 10 meter head start!

And Mike even gave Usain Bolt a 10 meter head start!

Photo by: George


In 3014, feeling melancholy as a result of a worldwide illness that removed the human eye's ability to detect a significant amount of electromagnetic radiation on the visible spectrum (the R and the G were notably absent, leaving only the B - which as an aside contributed to Van Gogh's Blue period after he traveled with Neal and George to -- eh, that's a story for another time), George and Neal decided to brighten up the world's mood by releasing board games based on popular movies. The games were a big hit, as the people of 3014 were very nostalgic towards movies that were made between 1975 and 2012. In retrospect, the games were complete nonsense, with rules from 20+ other games sloppily cobbled together. None of them made any sense. Therefore, Michael Bay Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr's grandson rushed to option the rights to make them into movies.

 

Just a little background... - Psychological torture was never so much fun!

Psychological torture was never so much fun!

Photo by: Neal

 

One Flew Over the...  Mousetrap? - I'm fairly positive they literally just repackaged the game Mouse Trap.

I'm fairly positive they literally just repackaged the game Mouse Trap.

Photo by: Neal

 

Eeew.... - The directions require you to take at least two showers after playing.

The directions require you to take at least two showers after playing.

Photo by: Neal

The popularity of the games reached such great heights that, in thanks and gratitude, others created games based upon the life of George and Neal. The game was so complicated due to the frequent time traveling and history altering events, that it caused 95% of the people attempting to play to lose their sanity. The remaining 5% had little sanity to begin with, so...

 

The Game of (Our) Life - The girl on the left is mere moments away from a total mental meltdown.

The girl on the left is mere moments away from a total mental meltdown.

Photo by: Neal


In 4539 George and Neal decided to dabble in alchemy and turned themselves into golden statues. Luckily the effects were only temporary and by 5935 they were restored to their normal selves. Except for their spleens, which went on to have songs and limericks written about them, like "There once was a spleen I've been told, Around for so long it was old, This spleen could not rupture, For its atomic structure, Had been changed from carbon to gold."

 

Just a little background... - George's spleen, pictured above, was pretty laid back and didn't let fame and fortune spoil its relaxed attitude.

George's spleen, pictured above, was pretty laid back and didn't let fame and fortune spoil its relaxed attitude.

Photo by: George

 

The Spleen Rebels - Neal's spleen, however, took the first opportunity it got to leave its happy, comfy home in Neal's abdomen...

Neal's spleen, however, took the first opportunity it got to leave its happy, comfy home in Neal's abdomen...

Photo by: George

 

Disco Spleen! - ...and hit the night clubs, impressing the ladies, and neglecting its blood scrubbing duties. Lucky for Neal, the spleen is a non-vital organ (but don't tell the spleens that).

...and hit the night clubs, impressing the ladies, and neglecting its blood scrubbing duties. Lucky for Neal, the spleen is a non-vital organ (but don't tell the spleens that).

Photo by: George


In 2077 George and Neal revolutionized the mathematical world when they discovered a method of dividing by zero. Yes, Chuck Norris did it first, but he was unwilling to share his ability with others, selfish bastard.


This wasn't the first time that George and Neal had a monumental impact on the mathematical world. In 2012, while bored one weekend, they decided to become experts in astrophysics, physics, and a host of other scientific topics. Along the way, they learned that each day was calculated to be one second longer than it really was. Neal and George discovered that consequently all calendars were off by 8.5 days. This explains why, when they went back to celebrate the 2011 New Year with themselves, they wound up traveling to January 9 (and a half). Though bummed they couldn't ring in the New Year (again) with themselves, on the positive side at least they were able to attend the Southern Sudan referendum on independence, where the Sudanese electorate voted in favor of independence, paving the way for the creation of the new state in July. History came alive, boy howdy!


In September 2012 George took a short break from time travelling, changing history, and altering the laws of physics to spend some more time with his family. On September 3rd he showed the boys how to distort spacial dimensions to grow and shrink at will. On the 8th they learned about monarch butterflies and how Neal taught them to fly from Canada to Mexico. And on September 9th George and his boys had fun flying hipsters in the park. It was a fun filled week!

 

Just a little background... - Sam had been wishing to be bigger for a long time. Now, with his new knowledge on dimensional disruption it's only a matter of time before he decides to crush Tokyo.

Sam had been wishing to be bigger for a long time. Now, with his new knowledge on dimensional disruption it's only a matter of time before he decides to crush Tokyo.

Photo by: George

 

Hipster Flying - Unfortunately, a few minutes after this picture was taken the wind let up and those hipsters made a pretty ironic splat.

Unfortunately, a few minutes after this picture was taken the wind let up and those hipsters made a pretty ironic splat.

Photo by: George


In 2029, George and Neal decided to tinker with building functional teleportation technology. Unfortunately, it had been years since either Neal or George watched the 1986 Jeff Goldblum film, The Fly, which illuminated the dangers of teleportation. When the first opportunity arose to use the teleportation device, the men fought over who could use it first. George raised the fact that whoever went first had the potential to be a Neal Armstrong-like figure. Neal raised the fact that Neal Armstrong's first name was Neal, and therefore he should go first. It was sound logic. George refused to accept it, however, and flung himself into the device. Neal did the same. The result was catastrophic (and sexy), in which Neal and George's DNA were combined, creating what at least two people believe to be the smartest man in history. This amalgamation dubbed itself "George Neal." Unfortunately, while the teleportation / recombination was occurring, knobs got fiddled accidentally (that's what she said) and George Neal was flung back into the late 1700's. Though possessing great knowledge and incredible oration skills, George Neal had none of the memories of George or Neal. George Neal believed himself to be the son of a Scottish Highlander who set up permanent residence in South Carolina. For reasons unknown, George Neal chose to stay loyal to the British during the War of Independence. George Neal distinguished himself during the war, even being promoted to Major. He later became an explorer, exploring the north shore of Lake Erie by boat. Ultimately, after leaving America, Major Neal became Canada's first saddlebag preacher for the Methodist church.

 

Just a little background... - Voted sexiest man alive, 1821.

Voted sexiest man alive, 1821.

Photo by: Neal

Major Neal married, had a daughter Esther, and purchased 200 acres in the Port Rowan Long Point area at Cope's Landing, Ontario. On February 27, 1840, while his granddaughter was reading scripture to him, Major George Neal was hit on the head with an errant pineapple. How the pineapple found its way to Canada remains a mystery. In any event, the noggin clockin' caused the amnesia to disappear and both George and Neal's memories overwhelmed Major Neal.

Missing his/their respective families (and vowing he/they would never tell them about his/their wife, children, grandchildren, and Canadian property ownership), Major Neal faked his/their death the very next day. It was easy back then. He/they just said, "I'm dying" closed his eyes, and held his/their breath. When no one was looking, he/they built a rudimentary time machine out of twigs, berries, and of course, rocks and put it in his/their pocket. After his/their burial, he/they activated the time machine, traveling back to 2029. He/they reverse-engineered their DNA joining (did I mention, ewww?), thereby finally separating George and Neal. There were little long-term physical ramifications, other than Neal smelling like George (egg drop soup) and George smelling like neal (feet, soaked in egg drop soup). Like everything else in this chronology, the events were entirely true. As proof, one need only to visit the Neal Memorial Methodist Church in Port Rowan, Ontario (which was established in September 1912 by George Neal's grandson, Rev. George Neal Hazen, and which still remains to honor "Canada's First Saddlebag Preacher"). One could also read more about these events at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Neal.


During their chronal adventures, Neal and George discovered a deep, dark secret of the music industry. Apparently for years the Johnson & Johnson company has been clandestinely influencing some of Rock & Roll's greatest artists. George and Neal weren't so shocked as Johnson & Johnson's sponsorship and promotion of the arts as much as we were at the fact that these incredible shows of support have been kept secret from the multitudes. Among the shocking discoveries are:


And we're positive that we've only scratched the surface of Johnson & Johnson's mysterious involvement in the history of Rock & Roll.


Exhausted with the mean-spirited nature of recent presidential elections as well as the inability of presidents to follow through on campaign promises, George and Neal decided to run for president in 2016. Problems quickly arose when the two could not agree which one would run as President and which one would be relegated to the position of Vice-President. They decided to let the public decide, by using the time machine to run both a Jaros/Simon campaign AND a Simon/Jaros campaign.

 

Just a little background... -

 

Jaros/Simon 2016 vs Simon/Jaros 2016 - These pins are considered extremely rare and valuable (by the insane).

These pins are considered extremely rare and valuable (by the insane).

Photo by: Neal

It became very confusing when Neal debated George during the Presidential debate, followed by Neal debating George during the Vice-Presidential debate.

 

2016 Presidential and Vice Presidential Debates - Neal's constant mugging was as arousing as it was distracting.

Neal's constant mugging was as arousing as it was distracting.

Photo by: Neal

Their seemingly infallible plan to hold the highest office backfired, as exactly 49.5% of the voters cast their ballots for the Jaros/Simon combo, and exactly 49.5% of voters cast their ballots for the Simon/Jaros combo. Due to an obscure law that George and Neal unfortunately passed during their three day reign in 1943, the winner was determined by the remaining 1%, which voted as follows: 15% for Ross Perot, 10% for Harrison Ford (thinking he did a wonderful job in the Air Force One movie), 20% for Peter J. Oberweis (running on a "ice cream shall be mandated a vegetable" platform), 25% for Howard the Duck, and the remaining votes went to the winner and write-in candidate, Ralph Nader. Ironically, Nader declined the position. This explains how, for 4 years, the leader of the free world was almost a duck. (Thank goodness ducks were outlawed in 1776.) This also explains why, in 2018 ice cream was declared a vegetable.


Neal can believe it's not butter. George hasn't made up his mind yet. But both Neal and George can't believe Fabio will have his consciousness downloaded into a Pleasurebot V6 in 2021, making us totally rethink the name of that invention.

 

Just a little background... - Now that is one sexy tub of butter substitute...

Now that is one sexy tub of butter substitute...

Photo by: George


Tired of caring for three children (yes, George, that includes you), Julie recruited Clarissa to go on a time traveling "ladies only" vacation. While the women were gone, George and Neal successfully fended for themselves and the kids, subsisting on a diet of ramen noodles and old fritos they found in couch cushions. Though neither George nor Neal nor the children changed their clothes during the entire time Clarissa and Julie were gone (7 days or 4,000 years depending on how you view time travel), the capable fathers made a game of it. Adin won 1st prize in "Who's That Smell?", an amateur game that George and Neal made up (which they later sold to the CNN network in 3014 - as at that time CNN ceased being a news network and reformed as a pornography / sitcom network). Meanwhile, Clarissa and Julie traveled to Ancient Greece, because Clarissa loves Greek food. Ironically, she felt that the food there didn't compare with the Greek food of 2012. Go figure. Upon their return, Julie and Clarissa refused to tell George and Neal what happened during their stay (because as we know, what happens in Ancient Greece stays in Ancient Greece). Still, Julie and Clarissa must have had some trip, as now all depictions of the Greek Gods Hera and Aphrodite look exactly like them.

 

Just a little background... - This picture was the inspiration for both the 12 hour clock, and erotic cakes. I'm not really sure how that last one relates, but, eh, there you go.

This picture was the inspiration for both the 12 hour clock, and erotic cakes. I'm not really sure how that last one relates, but, eh, there you go.

Photo by: Neal


In 2111 George and Neal made waves in the ongoing debate on Evolution vs. Creationism with a new theory of Unintelligent Design, which states that a divine slacker left a bottle of spoiled miracle milk in a great cosmic refrigerator for too long, and life on Earth was simply the result of ambrosia gone bad.

 

Just a little background... - This is an actual photograph that Neal took of the beginning of the Universe. As the smell of curdled divine nectar wafted out of the open bottle, the lavender color of nothing gradually faded to the darkness of interstellar space.

This is an actual photograph that Neal took of the beginning of the Universe. As the smell of curdled divine nectar wafted out of the open bottle, the lavender color of nothing gradually faded to the darkness of interstellar space.

Photo by: George


Unfortunately, sometimes George and Neal's time (mis)adventures cause unforeseeable consequences. For example, in 1978, the letter/sound "c" was eliminated. As a result, people drove ars, threw things using the atapult and Neal's wife was renamed "larissa". She was not amused. Neal later fixed this anomaly, but not before his wife became so angry she called him an unt.


However, other times, George and Neal's time (mis)adventures really benefited world languages. For example, in 1232 Neal invented the letter A and George invented the letter E. Until that time A and E were sometimes replaced with I and U respectively (although they were omitted completely if found at the end of a word and one letter was omitted if they appeared next to another vowel). Thus, George and Neal were known as Gorg and Nil and this chronicle was known as "Th Grind Sig of Gorg und Nil's Idvunturus Through Tim und Spuc (und Pudding)!".


In 1984, during George and Neal's famous Cow Experimentation period (it's not what it sounds like), they successfully bred cows with extremely high intelligence. As a result, George and Neal became strict vegetarians, and hid the nation's beef. This coincidentally coincided with Wendy's "Where's the Beef?" campaign, and therefore the public thought the lack of beef was merely a marketing stunt. Unfortunately for cows but fortunately for the meat-eating public, the hyper-intelligent cows did not live longer than three days, so the meat was redistributed (that's what she... well, you know where I'm going with that, so let's just move on). Still though, if the cows had survived, what a world it would be... In the three short days they were alive, they founded the United Democratic Distribution of Edible Relief (known as U.D.D.E.R.), an institution devoted to ending worldwide hunger. The organization focused on the mass distribution of chickens, pigs, platypus, and other farm enemies.


In July 1972 George and Neal were members of the Apollo 19 mission to the moon. After landing in the Hyginus Rille region-Linear Rille, crater area. We were part of a team that explored a clutch of crashed extraterrestrial vehicles, several large egg shaped objects with an "Ork or Bust" sticker on the back of one. In 1978 we made a television series about our discovery.

 

Just a little background... - Houston, we have a nanu nanu.

Houston, we have a nanu nanu.

Photo by: George


During the brief period where George and Neal were not awesome (see www.george-and-neal-are-not-awesome.info), they invented Cat Baseball. It... did not end well.

 

Just a little background... - Gerbil Football proved much more popular.

Gerbil Football proved much more popular.

Photo by: Neal


In 1994 George and Neal decided that, although they had had many adventures and experienced some really amazing things that most other people can't even imagine, there were still some things they would like to do before they kick the bucket. So they each made their own bucket list. Neal tried to get at least 21 items, he really did, but after adding 15 items on the list he decided that item 16 would be to someday finish the list. George took the lazy route and just made a list of different types of buckets.

 

Just a little background... - It didn't take long for George to complete this list. His next list was a "Shovel List" and after that he tried a "Sh*t List", but that didn't turn out so well (the shovels and buckets came in handy though).

It didn't take long for George to complete this list. His next list was a "Shovel List" and after that he tried a "Sh*t List", but that didn't turn out so well (the shovels and buckets came in handy though).

Photo by: George

 

The Unfinished Bucket List - Oddly enough, Neal completed #9 before he completed #8. His neighbors were thankful, since there's no knowing where Neal's toes have been.

Oddly enough, Neal completed #9 before he completed #8. His neighbors were thankful, since there's no knowing where Neal's toes have been.

Photo by: George


In 2014, George decided that he could make a better dictation-to-text program than what was currently available (such as Dragon Dictation and Apple's Siri). Although the program was widely adopted as a result of George and Neal's popularity, it was known to haven moony problems and bigs. Still, Kneel and Gorge refused to stop us and it.


Unbeknownst to most people, the original Star Trek series was actually a documentary series about George and Neal's adventures. Captain Kirk and his crew were part of a film crew charged with a 5 year mission to explore planets and civilizations that were originally discovered and documented (and sometimes even created) by George and Neal during their adventures. The original catch phrase for the show was "To boldly go where no man (except for George and Neal) has gone before", however to better fit onto promotional posters (and since whether George and Neal were men or gods was a hotly debated topic in the late 1960's) it was shortened to the well known phrase, which I'm sure you are very familiar with. If not, then go ask a nerd.

 

Just a little background... - While sneaking on set to check out the progress of the documentary on planet Exo III, Neal was just a little too excited to see that Kirk had found his lost phallus.

While sneaking on set to check out the progress of the documentary on planet Exo III, Neal was just a little too excited to see that Kirk had found his lost phallus.

Photo by: George


Striking a blow for ball rights everywhere (Editor's note: I'm not touching that one - literally or figuratively), in 1973, George and Neal created the first kickball that could kick back. Although the game became much more challenging, it also became infinitely more enjoyable to watch.

 

Just a little background... - (The above image, "Kick-Ball Ball-Kick" courtesy of The Museum of Entirely Random Things, where their motto is, "Come for the pie, stay for the tire-irons.")

(The above image, "Kick-Ball Ball-Kick" courtesy of The Museum of Entirely Random Things, where their motto is, "Come for the pie, stay for the tire-irons.")

Photo by: Neal


In 2099 scientists astounded the world by developing genetically engineered little blue creatures that wore nothing but white pants and hats. OK, so those scientists were George and Neal. What can we say, we loved the Smurfs. Unfortunately these obnoxious blue critters bred incredibly fast, considering there was only one female. The blue varmints were quickly shipped off to a remote island in the mid-Atlantic Ocean where they quickly covered the land several feet deep. A year later Neal and George were visiting the island to see how the blue pests were coping when they were viciously attacked. Luckily Neal always carries a collapsible surfboard in his front pocket (no, he's not just happy to see you). He quickly whipped it out (the surfboard you pervert) and George and Neal were able to ride a wave of blue scourge back to safety. This event was recorded and broadcast on the 6:00 news worldwide. The few people who still watched TV for their news in 2100 were amazed and the idea became the newest extreme sport. The contaminated island became a hot spot of tourist activity while thrill seekers would ride wave after wave of the blue plague. By 2148 Smurfing was an Olympic sport, attracting thousands of spectators. That is, until the blue blight evolved teeth and ate the entire 2164 Italian Women's Olympic Team. 2165's Operation Gargamel was ironically a success and wiped the Earth clean of the blue contamination. On a side note, we don't like the Smurfs any more.

 

Just a little background... - Until these fiends evolved teeth, wiping out tickled quite a bit and was somewhat enjoyable, in an uncomfortable sort of way, which is exactly how Neal likes to be tickled.

Until these fiends evolved teeth, wiping out tickled quite a bit and was somewhat enjoyable, in an uncomfortable sort of way, which is exactly how Neal likes to be tickled.

Photo by: George


Upon hearing that no word in the English language rhymed with "orange," in 1986, George invented the word "sporange" just so one would exist. Years later, its definition still remains a mystery (although curiously, three people have thus far been convicted of "sporanging.").


In 2059, George and Neal did some other awesome stuff, and one thing they are both not very proud of. It involved a tray of ice, a can of motor oil, and an industrial-sized stapler. Either they did this twice or they didn't learn the first time, or maybe this was the first time and 1959 hadn't happened yet for them, I don't know. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. Let's move on. Please.


Somehow, a tribute video was found in 1035 A.D. Weird... The video is a collection of photos from some of George and Neal's greatest achievements, set to a song that sounds remarkably like Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You". Awwww, how touching... (Eeew, get your hands off!) 1035 A. D.? We KNEW Sarah McLachlan ripped that song off of somebody. Strange, her version sounds almost exactly the same as the one from almost 1000 years ago! And gee, whoever did that song sure misses us. We should probably go back and visit.

 




1035 A.D.!!!
No video? Visit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPT3JEFDACo


Darth Vader was not Luke's father. A paternity test by Maury Povich revealed to Vader that "You are NOT the father!". After checking six other potential candidates, including Obi-wan Kenobi, Emperor Palpatine, Bail Organa, Lando Calrissian, Commander Cody (as well as all his Lost Planet Airmen), and even Yoda, it was finally revealed that Luke's father was in fact Mace Windu. I guess Padmé had a little 'dark side' in her, too.

 

Just a little background... - It's a good thing for Maury that all weapons are collected at the entrance to the television studio before tapings, a full-time job for his security, otherwise he'd have a purple lightsaber in a very uncomfortable place (and no, not like the back of a Volkswagen).

It's a good thing for Maury that all weapons are collected at the entrance to the television studio before tapings, a full-time job for his security, otherwise he'd have a purple lightsaber in a very uncomfortable place (and no, not like the back of a Volkswagen).

Photo by: George


In 2016, George and Neal turned their attention to songwriting. They ghost-wrote a string of musical hits, including "We Built This City" by Starship (1985), "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by Baha Boys (2000), and "(You're) Having My Baby" by Paul Anka (1974). Their songs were all chart-topping, yet widely held as the worst songs ever made. (For a full list of their super-popular, super-terrible songs, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_music_considered_the_worst#Songs).

Prompted by their musical success, George and Neal released their own record, George and Neal Get Aural. Some people say the music was misunderstood, because it was way ahead of its time; but some people are idiots. The music was atrocious. The album was released on January 6, 1953. One day later, President Truman announced that the US developed the Hydrogen Bomb. George and Neal believe this to be no coincidence, and was in direct response to their album's release. Nevertheless, the album spawned three hit singles, "The Ballad of Clem (Who?)", "Misplaced Coinpurse", and "Party Like It's 1234 B.C." (the latter forming the basis for George and Neal's lawsuit against Prince for his song "Party Like It's 1999" despite the fact that they wrote the song in 2016 (well after Prince released his song) but released it in 1953.)

 

Just a little background... - Sorry, girls, they're married.

Sorry, girls, they're married.

Photo by: Neal


In 1921 George and Neal began the daunting task of teaching porcupines to fly. It was long, arduous, painful work, and after twelve long years they gave up. But with the rise of Nazi Germany there came a renewed interest in flying porcupines, or Fliegendes Stachelschwein as the Germans called them. So in 1939 George and Neal were asked to head a porcupine flight research and development project for the United States, United Kingdom, and Canada. The goal of the Long Island Ice Tea Project (so named because the Manhattan was already taken) was to develop oversized, flying porcupines before German scientists could succeed with their own Fliegendes Stachelschwein program. The top secret program had research facilities located in several areas of the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom, including the secret Oak Ridge Elementary Flight Facility in Palos Hills, Illinois, the "Zorro" Test Facility in Los Alamos, California, and the Solochevy Research Facility in Poortown, Isle of Man, United Kingdom. The first porcupine test flights were conducted near Big Cottonwood Canyon in Utah, with the first experimental quill deployment taking place at the Forest of Argonne in France (the French didn't mind having a few more little pricks). The project proved to be a success and, although it is not well documented, starting in January and continuing into the spring of 1945, Allied forces sent wave after wave of highly trained flying porcupines behind Axis lines. After the deep penetration (that's what she said) of millions of barbed quills falling from the sky, Germany surrendered on April 29th. Ironically, the Bedingungslose Kapitulation der Wehrmacht (German Instrument of Surrender) was signed on May 7th with a pen constructed from a porcupine quill.

 

Just a little background... - Too late George and Neal realized that they forgot to teach the porcupines how to land.  There were many civilian casualties when the flock of porcupines decided to try landing in one of those lazy river water parks, popping numerous inner tubes and causing general havoc.

Too late George and Neal realized that they forgot to teach the porcupines how to land. There were many civilian casualties when the flock of porcupines decided to try landing in one of those lazy river water parks, popping numerous inner tubes and causing general havoc.

Photo by: George


In 1947, Neal convinced Governor Thomas E. Dewey not to run for president, but rather to run as Neal's Vice President. George, hearing of this, was insulted Neal did not ask him to run as Neal's VP. In retaliation, George convinced Harry Truman to run as his vice president. On November 3, 1948, it was reported that Neal crushed George in election.

 

Just a little background... - As it should be.

As it should be.

Photo by: Neal

Refusing to give up, George went back in time, rigged the election, and won.

 

The Jaros Strikes Back - A sad day in American history.

A sad day in American history.

Photo by: Neal

Hypocritically upset by George's misuse of time travel, Neal traveled back in time to stop George. This result? The most violent fight ever between presidential candidates (if you ignore the fight club secretly established by Nixon and Kennedy)

 

Paradoxes are Fun and Arousing - You have nothing to fear, except Nixon's left fist.

You have nothing to fear, except Nixon's left fist.

Photo by: Neal

The whole thing really degraded into Neal and George revising the election's history hundreds and hundreds of times. Terrible, horrible things happen. Up became left. Light became pudding. Below is but one confusing and dark example:

 

The Darkest Timeline - The Chicago Sun Times had the same title, but the caption read, "Nom nom nom!"  You'd think one of them would be more professional about the whole thing.

The Chicago Sun Times had the same title, but the caption read, "Nom nom nom!" You'd think one of them would be more professional about the whole thing.

Photo by: Neal

Finally, they agreed to let history correct itself - except that it didn't, really. In this timeline, now Truman beats Dewey.

That's right, folks. In the original, correct timeline, Dewey won.

(Sorry about that, Dewey.).


In 1976 George and Neal went fishing. All they caught was a cold, the flu, pneumonia, and scarlet fever. But luckily the lake they were fishing on had a catch and release policy.


In 2069 George and Neal wrote a musical, called "Home to Where the Sun Rises". The smash hit spent four years on Broadway before touring the world. As of 2162 it has sold out more shows than "Cats", "Phantom", "Les Mis", "Gigli on Broadway", and "Spamalot" combined and is the longest continuously running musical in history and the only musical to still feature the original cast (thank the time machine for that). The show is an uplifting story set around the holidays and features a multitude of wonderful songs from several traditional cultural and religious backgrounds. Here are a few verses from the multiple award winning "Rising Sun Megamix" hit song from the soundtrack:

There is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God, I know I'm one

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by

Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made it out of clay
And when it's dry and ready
Then dreidel I shall play!

Oh, did we mention that the entire musical is set to the traditional folk tune, "House of the Rising Sun"? Go ahead, sing a few verses, you're guaranteed to love it, or your money back!

 

Just a little background... - Oddly enough the musical didn't play in New Orleans.  We were somehow distracted by Bourbon Street (Neal did manage to 'earn' quite a few beads though.)

Oddly enough the musical didn't play in New Orleans. We were somehow distracted by Bourbon Street (Neal did manage to 'earn' quite a few beads though.)

Photo by: George


In 2013, Neal introduced George to the role-playing game, Dungeons and Dragons. George thought it was fantastic, as it blended his love of story telling, games, and sexy goblins. However, both Neal and George found the game's storylines much too violent for their children. Wanting to include the kids in the fun, George and Neal went back to 1974 to convince D&D creator Gary Gygax to ditch the game's dark fantasy aspect and make the game more family friendly. Gary refused, and then tried to hit them with a gigantic mace. (Luckily he only rolled a 4, so he missed.)

Undeterred, George and Neal implored Gary to reconsider. Using his Charisma Attributes of +25, George skillfully managed to get Gary to change his mind. Plans for Advanced Dungeons and Dragons were scrapped, and instead Gary released Advanced Zoos and Farm Animals.

 

Just a little background... - The threat is mildly palpable.  And yummy.

The threat is mildly palpable. And yummy.

Photo by: Neal

The game had its share of problems. Sure, it was family friendly, but the stories were far less compelling, and over very quickly. Here is a snippet from one recently played game:

Zoo-Master: "You are in a zoo."

Player #1: "Walk North."

Zoo-Master: "You walk North. You find yourself in front of a porcupine cage. What do you do?"

Player #2: "Attack porcupine."

Zoo-Master: "You attack the porcupine. You have been forcibly removed from the zoo. We hope you enjoyed playing Advanced Zoos and Farm Animals."

Sales were disastrous, eclipsed even by the 1982 E.T. Atari video game. George and Neal both hope the upcoming 2015 movie adaption starring Pauly Shore fares better.


In the 1980s George and Neal discovered the rare Rosea Zebra, or Pink Zebra. These zebras are native to just a very small part of Africa and their discovery led to a dramatic increase in popularity of pink zebra print fashions. Today Pink Zebras are extremely rare and endangered because of all the illegal hunting that goes on to support western culture's obsession with making these beautiful animals into clothing, bedding, iPhone covers, car seats, etc. In the 2000s George and Neal started conservation efforts and captive breeding programs in an attempt to reintroduce large herds of Rosea Zebra to the wild. Unfortunately the revitalization of Pink Zebra populations also resulted in the resurgence of Pink Zebra print fashions. But you won't find any Pink Zebra print stuff in either of our households. We prefer beaver felt hats and whale blubber reading lamps.

 

Just a little background... - We had nothing to do with the unfortunate domestication and mass farming of the now ubiquitous Fluorescent Spandex Cattle that resulted from the 80s fashion trends.

We had nothing to do with the unfortunate domestication and mass farming of the now ubiquitous Fluorescent Spandex Cattle that resulted from the 80s fashion trends.

Photo by: George


Tired of trying to do fifteen things at once but failing miserably (well, failing miserably at four, failing happily at six, performing moderately at nine, and skillfully completing three tasks - wait, is my math correct? Uh... I'm not good at non-Jarmonorgeal math) George took steps to improve his multi-tasking. In so doing, he also wound up creating another hit TV show (see, even when he's not multi-tasking, he is!). The result? The Learning Network's "Really Really Really Extreme Makeover." George had them add two extra hands, an extra head (sorry, Julie), and other things I really don't feel comfortable talking about (really sorry, Julie). Aside from having to get all his shirts tailored, George was happy with the results.

 

Just a little background... - Shortly after this photo was taken, George covered the song, "Two Heads Are Better Than One" (from the Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure soundtrack - how's that for obscure?), failing to understand the fairly obvious inappropriate nature of the song.

Shortly after this photo was taken, George covered the song, "Two Heads Are Better Than One" (from the Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure soundtrack - how's that for obscure?), failing to understand the fairly obvious inappropriate nature of the song.

Photo by: Neal


In 2012 George and Neal's kids Mike, Sam, Adin, and Ayla snatched the time machine and traveled to 1948 where they were able to convince legislators to make it illegal to vacuum up any Lego blocks. Their bill was easily passed into law mostly because Lego blocks hadn't been invented yet and no one saw any harm in it. Plus it was attached to a bill about Federal Water Pollution Control Act (which also had the effect of making it illegal for Neal to bathe, at least until the Clean Air Act was passed in 1963 and new techniques and technologies like aeration, flocculation, and active carbon adsorption enabled water filtration plants to sufficiently clean Neal's bath water). When they found out about this, George and Neal traveled to 1950 and convinced legislators to pass a bill to make it illegal to leave Legos lying on the floor, especially after dark. Their bill was easily passed into law because by that time enough people had stepped on Legos in their bare feet that it was deemed necessary to ensure the safety of US citizens. As a result of these two laws, Neal, George, Mike, Sam, Adin, and Ayla spent the rest of 2012 and most of 2013 in jail for committing the crimes they fought so hard to make illegal. Julie and Clarissa enjoyed the 18 month vacation from having to take care of three kids each.

During our incarceration we found one thing that hurts more than stepping on a Lego at night in bare feet; wiping with prison toilet paper...

 

Just a little background... - Jail time wasn't so bad for George.  He smuggled in one of those tools that let you take apart stuck Legos and then spent most of the 18 months hanging out with Barbie.

Jail time wasn't so bad for George. He smuggled in one of those tools that let you take apart stuck Legos and then spent most of the 18 months hanging out with Barbie.

Photo by: George


Tired of hipsters telling everyone "I liked that band before they were cool," George and Neal did them one better, going back in time and befriending many rock stars long before they were famous (sometimes immediately after they were born).

 

Just a little background... - George befriends a young Paul McCartney.  This moment later inspired the song, "Here Comes the Son."

George befriends a young Paul McCartney. This moment later inspired the song, "Here Comes the Son."

Photo by: Neal

Many of the musicians they befriended wrote songs about George and Neal, though this is not commonly known. For example:

- Metallica's "Enter Sandman" was about the time George baby-sat James Hetfield, and sang him soothing lullabies. (Circa 1988).

- Prince's "When Doves Cry" was about the time Neal and Prince were playing basketball and Neal tripped on a bird. (Circa 1981)

- Frankie Valli's "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" was about the time George accidentally switched Frankie's eye drops with superglue. (Circa 1942)

- The Kingston Trio's "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?" is about the time Neal dated Dave Guard's mom, and being short on cash, Neal picked all the flowers from Guard's backyard to give to his mother. (Circa 1941)

- The Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations" is about the time George taught Brian Wilson's high school science class, and hit water with a vibrating tuning fork. (Circa 1958)

- Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is about the time Neal babysat a 9 year old Kurt Cobain. That day, Kurt discovered Neal's odd choice of deodorant. (Circa 1976)

- Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall"? All about the time George and Neal hired a young Roger Waters to assist in their short-lived construction business providing homes for the poor and evil (known as Habitat for Inhumanity). (Circa 1963)

Officially, George and Neal can both say, "We liked them before they were cool."

Officially, the rest of the world can secretly desire to punch them both in the face.


In 1998 George let the dogs out, but he let them back in as soon as they were finished doing their duty. Anslem Douglas didn't believe him though and kept giving him the third degree. He even got the Baha Men to start pestering George. C'mon guys, stop the nagging!

 

Just a little background... - Here the dogs are out.

Here the dogs are out.

Photo by: George

 

George let the dogs back in! - And see, they're back in now.  Now get off my case about it already!!!

And see, they're back in now. Now get off my case about it already!!!

Photo by: George


In 1975, Gary Dahl became a millionaire virtually overnight when he invented the "pet rock." He marketed it as the perfect pet - one that did not need to be fed, walked, groomed or bathed. Ignoring this selling point and wanting in on the action, George and Neal marketed "The Pet Rock Pet". Sales were abysmal - and those pets that were actually sold succumbed to starvation fairly soon thereafter.

George and Neal's later invention, Mood-Swing rings (randomly forcing you to punch people when you are at your happiest) fared only slightly better.

 

Just a little background... - Doomed.

Doomed.

Photo by: Neal


In 2019 George and Neal made a fortune by selling Christmas snow globes. It was all an accident, really. We thought we had this great idea to make Christmas snow globes that featured a nativity scene and played "Joy to the World" while the snow swirled around baby Jesus and the animals. But when our Chinese manufacturer shipped the snow globes to us everything was perfect (well, baby Jesus was replaced by a frog, but hey, whatever sells), until the music started with "Jeremiah was a bullfrog!". But they sold really, really well! Even better than our "Oh Holy Night" whoopee cushions.

 

Just a little background... - It was an honest mistake since the snow globe doubled as a wine stopper and came with a bottle of Three Dog's Mighty Fine wine.

It was an honest mistake since the snow globe doubled as a wine stopper and came with a bottle of Three Dog's Mighty Fine wine.

Photo by: George


George and Neal are heavily involved in charity work. For example, during November 1990, they both participated in "No Shave November" (a.k.a. Movember). Wisely, they went from century to century, building a pledge base that spanned hundreds of years and millions of dollars. George and Neal gave the money they raised to their favorite charity, which coincidentally happened to be "Mustaches For Kids", a charity dedicated to.... well, it's pretty self explanatory. As a result of their donation, children across the globe can now grow rich, luxurious facial hair at an alarming (and stylish) rate.

 

Just a little background... - Facial hair or no, cute kids, amiright?  It was so fortunate to catch the boys together between one of Sam's fishing trips and Mike's takeover of Stark Industries.

Facial hair or no, cute kids, amiright? It was so fortunate to catch the boys together between one of Sam's fishing trips and Mike's takeover of Stark Industries.

Photo by: Neal - Caption by: George & Neal Collaboration

 

 - After growing this, Ayla had an unexplainable desire to tie helpless women up and leave them on train tracks, so that some superhero could save them at the last minute.

After growing this, Ayla had an unexplainable desire to tie helpless women up and leave them on train tracks, so that some superhero could save them at the last minute.

Photo by: Neal

 

 - Since growing this, Adin has been offered four professor positions at well-respected colleges.  Little do most people know, that's all you really need.

Since growing this, Adin has been offered four professor positions at well-respected colleges. Little do most people know, that's all you really need.

Photo by: Neal


In 1983 George convinced Patrick Stewart that it was time to change his hairstyle and shave his afro. Neal suggested a mohawk instead, which Patrick tried, but after a few months Patrick decided the mowhawk wasn't an edgy enough hair and it was time to go for a classically timeless skullet. He wore the skullet to great success as Gurney Halleck in 1984's Dune, however in 1987 Neal tried to talk Patrick into turning the skullet into Bozo hair, but he wisely refused and instead decided to go for the full cue ball effect. The glabrescent style became part of his trademark look and helped him land the iconic role of Captain Jean Luc Picard after Robert H. Justman, producer for a revival of a long-cancelled television show, saw Patrick while attending a literary reading at UCLA. The rest is, as they say, "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot."

 

Just a little background... - 'The Prime Directive is not just a set of rules; it is a philosophy ... and a very correct one. History has proven again and again that whenever mankind interferes with a less developed civilization, no matter how well intentioned that interference may be, the results are invariably disastrous, but not as disastrous as this hair cut.' - Jean Luc Picard'Messing with less developed civilizations is fun!' - George and Neal

'The Prime Directive is not just a set of rules; it is a philosophy ... and a very correct one. History has proven again and again that whenever mankind interferes with a less developed civilization, no matter how well intentioned that interference may be, the results are invariably disastrous, but not as disastrous as this hair cut.' - Jean Luc Picard

'Messing with less developed civilizations is fun!' - George and Neal

Photo by: George


On April 12, 2012, the matching game, Candy Crush, was released on Facebook. Less than one year later, Candy Crush became the most popular game on Facebook, with 46 million monthly users. Most people do not realize that this is simply a rip-off of Neal's earlier 2010 game, Haggis Crush.

 

Just a little background... - It was no surprise to anyone that a matching game involving an animal's stomach (containing a sheep's heart, liver and lungs, minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt) would be so much fun!

It was no surprise to anyone that a matching game involving an animal's stomach (containing a sheep's heart, liver and lungs, minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt) would be so much fun!

Photo by: Neal

Neal was very upset by this blatant copy, until George reminded him that both Haggis and Candy Crush were obvious rip-offs of George's 1982 Coleco game, Orange Crush Crush.

 

 - All the excitement of a trash compactor, in 8-bit glory!

All the excitement of a trash compactor, in 8-bit glory!

Photo by: Neal

Given that the boys already made a hefty sum from their Bejeweled rip-off, Vajazzled, the boys just let this one go. (Editor's Note: As of July 2013, it has been estimated that Candy Crush Saga earns $633,000 per day in the US section of the iOS App Store alone. So, perhaps this was the wrong one to "let go".)


In 2024 George and Neal published a collection of lesser known quotes by famous people. They compiled this collection of quotes by painstakingly travelling back in time and stalking people until they said something profound (or not so much as the case may be). The book was a best seller... for them, which means it really didn't sell well at all. Here's a sampling of a few of the more than 300 insights they collected:

 

Just a little background... - Volume 1 had over 1000 pages.  Volume 2 had 1200 pages.  Volume 3 had nearly 1500 pages.  Unfortunately 3400 of the 3700 pages were blank.

Volume 1 had over 1000 pages. Volume 2 had 1200 pages. Volume 3 had nearly 1500 pages. Unfortunately 3400 of the 3700 pages were blank.

Photo by: George


Wanting to "shake things up" for the next Hanukah, in 2013 Neal invented "Tleg", the exact opposite of Gelt - chocolate on the outside, gold foil on the inside. It was as good one would expect.

 

Just a little background... - "It's.. deliciously...painful..."

"It's.. deliciously...painful..."

Photo by: Neal


The long running television series Doctor Who is loosely based on George and Neal's adventures, except their time machine does not look like a police box (their Rock Smoothie Machine looks more like a port-a-potty), they aren't time lords from another planet (they do have two hearts though - one each), they cause just about as many problems as they solve, they can't regenerate (at least not yet), while they have had a lot of nicknames in the past, The Doctor has never been one of them, they have no fear of becoming a red head, and they are much better looking than The Doctor. They do, however, occasionally take companions on their journeys. But unlike The Doctor, their companions are not random people they stumble into odd situations with. Instead their companions are carefully selected from an applicant pool of interested parties. Once a suitable companion is selected (they must of course be approved by their wives first), only then will the companion be subjected to odd situations. If you are interested in being an applicant please send a head shot, complete contact information, short description of yourself, photograph of your first pet, a 534 word essay on why you think George and Neal are the most incredible humans to exist in any (or all) time, and $163.26 in Canadian to: P.O. Box 75112, Gallifrey Way, New New York, NNY 314159.

 

Just a little background... - The Time Machine on a relaxing jaunt to pre-Ice Age Siberia.  Or was it Serbia?  Or Suburbia?

The Time Machine on a relaxing jaunt to pre-Ice Age Siberia. Or was it Serbia? Or Suburbia?

Photo by: George


In 1937, scientist Daniel Bovet created the first antihistamine to combat allergies. Flash forward forty years later, to 1977 - another allergy-related breakthrough: George and Neal create the Ah-Ah-Shoe!, the first antihistamine-laced shoe which they claim minimizes the number of sneezes a person has each week. Since no sane person counts the number of sneezes they have during a particular week, the world just took their word for it, and purchased it in droves.

Note: this is George and Neal's first successful shoe line, after their previous attempts to create a "no-odor" shoe ended in failure. Nothing could combat George's stinky feet. Nothing.

Additional Note: Four separate countries offered to pay the boys buckets of money if they could use the odor in combat, but since George and Neal are against biological warfare, they declined.

Even Additional-lier Note: One nameless cheese company attempted to create a cheese based upon the foot's musky odor, but it was disgusting. (Kind of surprising, really, given how tasty George Juice is.)

Additional-liest Note: The Cheese is currently being sold as "American Cheese." Kinda makes sense, right?


By 2031 there were so many comic conventions and expos (including Comic-Con, WizCon, APE, C2E2, WonderCon, Comikaze, C4, MegaCon, Sac-Con, Pros & Con, Com-Con-Chameleon, Thimblecon, thousands of local comic conventions, and many more) that George and Neal decided to found the first annual ComConCon. This convention was to promote awareness of other conventions. Participants were encouraged to come dressed as their favorite convention. For the first year Neal dressed as the Cleveland Comic, Card and Nostalgia Show and George dressed as Awesome Con DC. The annual ComConCons were a huge success until a small scandal in 2042 when the manager of long time ComConCon participant Illinois Government ComiCon, Ryan Hodge Blagokowski, was convicted of corruption and masterminding a scheme that hoodwinked millions of people out of hundreds of dollars (he claimed to be selling pre-release copies of the seventh book in George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series, however he was taking the money and had no intention of ever delivering the books, much like Martin himself...). This grand scam was dubbed the ComConCon Con. After spending 13 years behind bars(with 'A Dream of Spring' still listed as 'forthcoming'), R.H. Blagokowski was forever referred to as 'The ComConCon Con Con'.

 

Just a little background... - Attendees quickly began a tradition of dressing up as their favorite Comic Convention.  The costumes weren't quite as awe inspiring as those at said conventions, but there's a venue for everyone's passions!

Attendees quickly began a tradition of dressing up as their favorite Comic Convention. The costumes weren't quite as awe inspiring as those at said conventions, but there's a venue for everyone's passions!

Photo by: George


In 1978 a temporary glitch in George and Neal's Time Machine (well, not so much a glitch as Neal spilling a tub of Tang drink mix onto the controls - you'd think a time machine originally designed for making smoothies would be more resilient) caused a temporal-reality-rift. Nothing much was changed, except that Scott Baio was turned into a tasty Spanish dessert. That's ok though, because Scott went on to make his well known hits, Happy Days, Joanie Loves Churros, and Churros in Charge. Despite the name changes the shows still earned rave reviews and Baio was still a heart throb, although among overweight women with a sweet tooth instead of young teenage girls.

 

Just a little background... - Doesn't that just make you want to have a churro?  If you need a churro right now, join others just like you here: I Need a Churro

Doesn't that just make you want to have a churro? If you need a churro right now, join others just like you here: I Need a Churro

Photo by: George


In 2030, it became extremely fashionable to have a hairy back. To cash in on this trend, George and Neal created a lotion that would increase the hair on your back by 650%. They were so confident that the lotion would work that they offered a "monkey back guarantee."

 

Just a little background... - If ever we are taken over by ant overlords, we intend to foster a sense of insecurity amongst the ants about their hairlessness - then sell them our lotion.  Boom.  Money.

If ever we are taken over by ant overlords, we intend to foster a sense of insecurity amongst the ants about their hairlessness - then sell them our lotion. Boom. Money.

Photo by: Neal


In 1960 Neal invented the precursor to the lava lamp, affectionately called the 'Squeegee Glow Blob Light'. However in 1963 British accountant Edward Craven-Walker stole Neal's idea. Craven-Walker's variation was much more successful and in 1968 he was awarded a patent for his design, something denied Neal because Craven-Walker's lamps used a combination of mineral oil, paraffin wax, and carbon tetrachloride instead of Neal's disturbingly un-hygenic formula of sebum, ear wax, and pus. Someday we'll tell you about how George had the original idea for the Squirmle Magic Pet Worm, but we'll let you recover from the lava lamp thing first.

 

Just a little background... - It was best to not heat the Squeegee Glow Blob Light up too much.  They had a tendency to explode.  And there's nothing worse than flying shards of glass and Neal's sebum spraying all over the place.  (Also, we're not quite sure what Neal left in the bottom of this particular Squeegee Glow Blob Light, but it appears to be circumcised...)

It was best to not heat the Squeegee Glow Blob Light up too much. They had a tendency to explode. And there's nothing worse than flying shards of glass and Neal's sebum spraying all over the place. (Also, we're not quite sure what Neal left in the bottom of this particular Squeegee Glow Blob Light, but it appears to be circumcised...)

Photo by: George


Tired of all the speculation, George went back to 1984 and showed the world who was the boss.

It was George.

 

Just a little background... - Although George successfully replaced Tony Danza, he did so by placing his head on Tony Danza's body.  It was obvious to all that something was wrong -but no one was comfortable talking about it.

Although George successfully replaced Tony Danza, he did so by placing his head on Tony Danza's body. It was obvious to all that something was wrong -but no one was comfortable talking about it.

Photo by: Neal


In 2032 George decided to attempt the world record for the longest time continuously chewing a piece of gum (previously listed as 417 days). He was going strong and thought he was going to break the record when his jaw cramped up on day 210. Neal, being the supportive friend that he is, decided to take over and chewed that piece of gum for another 205 days. Just two days shy of the record Neal got hit in the face with an outboard motor (don't ask) and lost all his teeth, making it very difficult to continue chewing. Not wanting to fail when so close to their goal, George again took over with the chewing (although now the gum was a bit crunchy due to the bits of Neal's teeth embedded in the gooey wad). After another 112 days of chewing George and Neal were ecstatic to think they broke the world record for the longest time for consecutively chewing a piece of gum by an amazing 110 days! It was only later that they discovered the record only counted for a single person consecutively chewing gum. However, they did earn the world record for consecutive days of being thoroughly disgusting (57,229 days and counting).

 

Just a little background... - This snapshot was taken during one of the several days that we shared chewing responsibilities.

This snapshot was taken during one of the several days that we shared chewing responsibilities.

Photo by: George


In 1957, scientists discovered that children were suffering from extremely low self-esteem. To combat this, George and Neal created an award-winning series of books that sought to increase kids’ self esteem. Unfortunately, this plan backfired as by 2032, children everywhere had too much self-esteem, resulting in every child refusing to learn, do their chores, and even bathe (“Pshaw,” kids would say, “I smell just fine.”). Attempting to reverse the effect of their books, George and Neal wrote a separate series of books aimed at reducing self esteem (including, “Mommy Will Love You Forever, Unless…”; “Accidents Happen and You Are Proof!”; “Daddy’s Porsche (And Other Things We Could Have Afforded If We Didn’t Have You)”; “Nightmares Happen When God is Mad at You”; and “Let’s Buy Your Cemetery Plot (Because You'll Die Someday”). People are divided over whether these books caused the collapse of civilization in 6142.

 

Just a little background... - It's nice that Neal got to pass on wisdom his father told him as a child.

It's nice that Neal got to pass on wisdom his father told him as a child.

Photo by: Neal

 

 - Pictured Above: Optimism.

Pictured Above: Optimism.

Photo by: Neal

 

 - Pictured Above: Unconditional Love.

Pictured Above: Unconditional Love.

Photo by: Neal - Caption by: George


In an effort to ride the coattails of our success, in 2013 Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber began their own adventures, chronicling their own sagas through such outlets as TMZ, Huffington Post, Perez Hilton, E!, and your local police reports. While Miley's adventures shared a lot of characteristics of George and Neal's adventures (including twerking, licking power tools, and riding construction equipment while naked), Justin Bieber's misadventures are in a class of their own and have absolutely nothing in common with The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures through Time and Space (and Pudding)! (Well, except for maybe being inexplicably irresistible to women and loved by the paparazzi.)

 

Just a little background... - We know it's difficult to tell some times, but that's Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus in the left photo and Neal Simon and George Jaros in the right photo.  (Or is it the other way around, we get confused, too.)

We know it's difficult to tell some times, but that's Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus in the left photo and Neal Simon and George Jaros in the right photo. (Or is it the other way around, we get confused, too.)

Photo by: George


As a result of Instagram’s success in 2010, on April 1, 2010 George and Neal went back to 1980 and changed the names of all the “FotoMats” to “Sometime-Later-Gram’s". No one got the joke for 30 years.

 

Just a little background... - Before.

Before.

Photo by: Neal

 

 - After . Guinness World Records found this to be the longest-gestating April Fool's joke ever.

After . Guinness World Records found this to be the longest-gestating April Fool's joke ever.

Photo by: Neal


In 1906 George accidentally originated the popular phrase "When fate hands you lemons, make lemonade." This phrase was later published in Volume 26, Issue 5 of Men's Wear magazine in January 1909 before Elbert Hubbard used in in Reader's Digest in October 1927 and Dale Carnegie made it famous when he published it as: "When fate hands us a lemon let's try to make a lemonade." Rule #6, at the end of Chapter 17 in Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" published in 1948. George is very proud of the success of this phrase, despite the fact that is has been misquoted right from the beginning. What George actually said was "When fate gives you lemurs, you should try to make lemurade." Neal also tried to capitalize on George's phrase, but it turns out that people really don't like the whole idea of lemurade.

 

Just a little background... - We're really not sure why Neal's idea didn't catch on.  At least the lemurs really like the blend of raspberries, strawberries, dragon fruit, blood orange, pomegranate, beets, red cabbage, rhubarb, currants, cherries, cranberries, cherry tomatoes, and rambuten.

We're really not sure why Neal's idea didn't catch on. At least the lemurs really like the blend of raspberries, strawberries, dragon fruit, blood orange, pomegranate, beets, red cabbage, rhubarb, currants, cherries, cranberries, cherry tomatoes, and rambuten.

Photo by: George


After the hit song “What Does the Fox Say” became the top trending video of 2013, George and Neal released their song, “What Does The Rock Say”. It was 5 minutes of silence. It was a big hit among monks.

 

Just a little background... - Though the song sold out arenas...

Though the song sold out arenas...

Photo by: Neal

 

 - The acoustic show was much more intimate.Regardless, most critics found both shows made no sense.

The acoustic show was much more intimate.

Regardless, most critics found both shows made no sense.

Photo by: Neal

George and Neal received a significant amount of money to license the song for the next Rock Star video game, which will come with the newest instrument - a big chunk of granite.


In 1904, just one year after Elmer Riggs published his paper stating that Apatosaurus and Brontosaurus were the same creature, George and Neal discovered the skeleton of a brand new sauropod during an archeological dig in Turkey Creek Canyon near Morrison, Colorado. While significantly smaller than Apatosaurus, George and Neal's discovery was interesting in the fact that it appeared to be bipedal and was discovered alongside what appeared to be a petrified outfit, consisting of a vest, gloves, and even a ray gun. To add to people's confusion they decided to name their new discovery "Brontosaurus II", or, more affectionately, Bronto Thunder. Over the next few years they discovered a wide range of heavily armed, bipedal dinosaur fossils. These discoveries were largely ignored (and openly ridiculed) by the scientific community, even though George and Neal used their time machine to travel back to 78,000,543 BCE to learn more about these fascinating creatures, bring them back to the present day, and join them on all sorts of wacky adventures. Finally, in 1987 The Coca-Cola Company took notice of George and Neal's publications in Paleontology Today, and decided to animate the adventures. Dinosaucers aired for one season in 1987 and 1988, adding to The Coca-Cola Company's list of '80s achievements, which also included New Coke (aka Coke II), Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, and Coca-Cola Telecommunications.

 

Just a little background... - Coca-Cola Communications insisted on including Clem (on the left) in the animated series.  George and Neal responded with "Who?"

Coca-Cola Communications insisted on including Clem (on the left) in the animated series. George and Neal responded with "Who?"

Photo by: George


In 2015, tired of hearing all about his father's "great adventures" with George, Adin decided to put a stop to it (and have some fun in the process). At first, he went back in time to 1996, causing George to befriend him instead of Neal. The resulting time shift caused "The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!" to become "The Tremendous Story of George and Adin's Adventures Through Chronology and Cosmos (and Yogurt)!" You may remember this period (but probably don't), in which Adin and George created Bin-opoly, established Oybay, and Adin created the TV show, "The A-Word" (which fared only slightly better than Neal's show). In this timeline, Bette Midler showed little interest in George and Adin for some reason, causing most Georginealogists to believe her obsession was primarily with Neal. (Perhaps it was due to Neal's jaw-droppingly, achingly gorgeous rendition of Wind Beneath My Wings, often performed in a chicken suit, which for some reason did not detract from the performance. But I digress...)

Shortly after Adin "revised" the timeline (though shortly is relative; this timeline existed for thousands of years, looped back in on itself like a Moebius strip in 8034, and replayed itself twice more, until moments after Adin "revised" the timeline the third time), Sam, tired of hearing all about his father's "great adventures" with Adin, went back in time to 1996, causing Adin to befriend him instead of George. The resulting time shift caused "The Tremendous Story of George and Adin's Adventures Through Chronology and Cosmos (and Yogurt)!" to become "The Explosive Tale of Sam and Adin's Adventures Through The Chronosphere and Atmosphere (and Creamed Corn)!" This timeline saw such amazing events as Sam besting Martha Stewart in hand-to-hand combat, Adin and Sam ending worldwide tortoise hunger (meaning, they fed all the tortoises to hungry people), and fending off the 2054 robot invasion that Neal and George failed to prevent in previous timelines. It also saw Ayla and Mike refusing to let their siblings have all the fun. Many found "The Fantastic Account of Adin, Mike, Ayla, and Sam's Escapades Through The Eras and the Infinite (and Hollandaise Sauce)!" to be the golden age of all the timelines. [Editor's note: in this timeline, George Neal did not exist; however unlike other timelines, MASA replaced NASA in this timeline. It was not a space program but rather a cute bed and breakfast with the initials of all four children. Which they then turned into a rocket.]

 

Just a little background... - Above: 804th Edition (due to constantly shifting timelines).

Above: 804th Edition (due to constantly shifting timelines).

Photo by: Neal


The Wilhelm Scream is pretty well known for being a sound effect used in many, many movies. What is less well known is that George and Neal also provided sound effects that have been used in numerous movies, too. George made the original Jaros Yodel and Neal made the sounds for the Simon Whimper.

 


Listen to and download:
The Jaros Yodel.

The Simon Whimper.


On April 25, 2014 Bette Midler was finally successful in her dastardly plot to capture Neal and George. Using a baked lasagna she was able to lure them into her trap (truthfully they suspected a trap all along, but thought it was for Garfield and wanted that lasagna before the fat cat arrived). For over 20 months the fearless explorers were trapped in stasis pods and subjected to Midler's mind probes. Finally, on December 31, 2015 George and Neal were heroically rescued by their future selves (from all the way on January 1, 2016). And once again, all was right in the world. Celebration and parties ensued throughout the galaxy until the stroke of midnight (Central Standard Time) when George and Neal actually became their future selves and had to leave the party early to go rescue themselves. I'd explain further, but it just gets more confusing. Hey look, a lasagna!

 

Just a little background... - Luckily George and Neal were rescued by George and Neal before their fate was the same as the poor saps in the other stasis pods.  Neal wasn't frightened by that though, it was Bette's prancing that worried him.

Luckily George and Neal were rescued by George and Neal before their fate was the same as the poor saps in the other stasis pods. Neal wasn't frightened by that though, it was Bette's prancing that worried him.

Photo by: George


Did you know that George and Neal have written speeches for so many great politicians? Some of their best work includes:

“I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity.” - Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House

“It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!” - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

“We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.” - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

“I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.” - Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons.

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” - Charles de Gaulle, former French President

Neal and George considered writing speeches for Donald Trump, but realized they could not improve upon them.

 

Just a little background... - "Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad." - Not by George and Neal - Much as we'd like to claim credit for this gem, The Donald came up with it all on his own.

"Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad." - Not by George and Neal - Much as we'd like to claim credit for this gem, The Donald came up with it all on his own.

Photo by: George


In 1918, David Jung (arguably) invented the fortune cookie. Given its immense popularity, George and Neal created a cookie that told you your present. With messages such as “You just ate some food”, “You have just paid your bill” and “this cookie was less satisfying than you thought it would be”, the messages were incredibly accurate.

 

Just a little background... - Eerily true.

Eerily true.

Photo by: Neal

 

 - Also true.

Also true.

Photo by: Neal


In early 1986 Bon Jovi was working on their album Slippery When Wet. Because their previous album wasn't as successful as they had hoped, they hired professional songwriter Desmond Child as a collaborator. He helped write some of the biggest hits from the album, including "You Give Love A Bad Name" and "Livin' on a Prayer". The other Billboard Top 10 hit from the album, "Wanted Dead or Alive" was very nearly a disaster. Written by Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora, the song wasn't originally quite as cool as it turned out to be. Luckily George and Neal stepped in just in time and recommended that the lyrics be changed to "I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride, I'm wanted dead or alive, Wanted dead or alive" from the original "I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride, three year olds want me, want me to get off their ride." We felt most people would agree that guitar toting outlaws riding motorcycles is much cooler than hogging the mechanical horse at the local five and dime.

 

Just a little background... - The original album cover is also something we recommended be changed.  But in hindsight, maybe Bon Jovi should have kept it...

The original album cover is also something we recommended be changed. But in hindsight, maybe Bon Jovi should have kept it...

Photo by: George


In 2010, George and Neal created a line of delicious, gluten-free food for those with gluten sensitivities. The food line was a gigantic hit for hundreds of years. As a result, however, George and Neal amassed large stockpiles of gluten which they had just lying around. This turned out to be quite fortunate, since in 2347, people started developing anti-gluten sensitivities, requiring them to eat foods with massive amounts of gluten. George and Neal’s Bag of Gluten was as popular as it was gross.

 

Just a little background... - Apparently, Nambia’s standards for gluten production is world-class.

Apparently, Nambia’s standards for gluten production is world-class.

Photo by: Neal


On a visit to 1932 George and Neal met with Alex Raymond and related some of this Saga. Alex was inspired and two years later created Flash Gordon, a fairly accurate retelling of some of our adventures. Though the personalities are different, Raymond honored George and Neal by using their likenesses as the characters Ming the Merciless and Dr. Hans Zarkov respectively. In an unusual turn of events, George went on to portray Ming the Merciless in the 1934 serials, 1970s television show, the 2026 movie trilogy, the 2028 movie series reboot, and the 2034 100th anniversary live action extravaganza world tour.

 

Just a little background... - Ming really was one good looking dude.  Totally psychotic, but he made psychotic look good.

Ming really was one good looking dude. Totally psychotic, but he made psychotic look good.

Photo by: George


In 1988 Neal's infatuation with John Cusack reached an all-time high. John was generally pretty cool with it, but during the filming of Say Anything Neal went just a little too far (apparently hiding in the back seat of John's 1976 Blue Chevy Malibu and screaming "I LOVED YOU IN BEING JOHN MALKOVICH!" was the final straw - on a side note, Neal's constant mention of that film is what made John decide to take the roll of Craig Schwartz 10 years later). Cusack ended up body slamming Neal just minutes before filming the iconic radio scene. If you look closely in that scene you can see Neal's foot twitching in the bottom right corner of the frame.

 

Just a little background... - Although John Cusack was able to complete the scene after body slamming Neal, Neal didn't get the message and pursued John for years, until he found out that John's sister was Ann Cusack and redirected his attentions her way.

Although John Cusack was able to complete the scene after body slamming Neal, Neal didn't get the message and pursued John for years, until he found out that John's sister was Ann Cusack and redirected his attentions her way.

Photo by: George


It was widely thought that Robert Cornelius took the very first self-portrait (or "selfie") in 1839. However, the truth is, not surprisingly, much more complicated than that. When Robert's friend, Herman "Twitchy" Aaron saw the selfie, he became insanely jealous that he, himself, did not do the first selfie. Believing that someone would eventually create a time machine (perhaps out of a blender), Herman put a clause in his will that if ever someone went back in time and assisted him with the first selfie ever, he would pay them a handsome sum. Two hundred years later, give or take a decade, Neal learned of this, and went back in time, creating the very first selfie with Herman in 1838.

 

Just a little background... - A handsome gentleman.  Twitchy was also not hard on the eyes.

A handsome gentleman. Twitchy was also not hard on the eyes.

Photo by: Neal

Upon hearing of this, George was very disappointed with Neal for using the time machine for financial gain. But, rather than correcting the situation, George decided to create the world's first photo bomb.

 

 - For some reason, George thought it was appropriate to wear a snake that day.

For some reason, George thought it was appropriate to wear a snake that day.

Photo by: Neal


Thanks to the success of nasty food television shows such as Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, and Worst Cooks in America, by 2019 there were no food critics willing to give any positive reviews to restaurants. Every review contained only scathing passages intended to make the restaurateur weep openly and question his or her life choices. For example, one restaurant (coincidentally, owned by George) was hit with this review: "I would have given it zero stars, but I refused to use the word "star" in this review for fear there was a scintilla suggesting anything redeeming about the food, atmosphere, or even oxygen found within this establishment."

Ouch. To combat this level of negativity, that same year George and Neal began reviewing restaurants, choosing only to give positive reviews. Quote Neal, "You can find the good in anything, if you look hard enough." By way of proof, see George and Neal's review of Bits 'O Mostly Chicken Restaurant ("The food was edible"); Oscar's Stench Hut ("The server gave me food while I was there"); M.C. Hammer's Chow House ("I appreciated that they did not lock the bathroom when I got food poisoning, and the hospital they directed me to was quite serviceable"); and I Made It Out Of Clay: A Unique Israeli Restaurant Experience ("The food was dry and ready.")


After Neal claimed to be in the first "selfie", George decided to both photobomb that "selfie" and then one-up Neal (because that's what he does). So in 1433 George joined the Early Netherlandish master Jan van Eyck in painting "Portrait of Two Men (Selfie?)". The painting is widely regarded as the first ever western panel self portrait, or "selfie".

 

Just a little background... - 3 days of sitting there while van Eyck painted and he never once offered George a cool turban.

3 days of sitting there while van Eyck painted and he never once offered George a cool turban.

Photo by: George

Not to be undone (because that's what he does), Neal went all the way back to 1365 BCE where he managed to get Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten's chief sculptor Bak to include him in the first ever self portrait. Of course he had to pose as Bak's wife, and of course, George had to photobomb (sulpturebomb?) Neal's accomplishment (because that's what he does).

 

 - Neal hasn't had a figure like that since, well, since that time he jumped out of the cake for that Under Siege movie.

Neal hasn't had a figure like that since, well, since that time he jumped out of the cake for that Under Siege movie.

Photo by: George

After going back further and further, appearing in ancient paintings, sculptures, and cave drawings George and Neal decided they were just being silly. They had a time machine, why not share in the accomplishment of being in the first ever selfie. So they travelled back to 72,443,018 BCE and took a selfie together. And of course they were photobombed by a few dinosaurs (because that's what they do).

 

 - We seriously had no idea those dinosaurs were back there.  Gee, the things you find when you develop your film...

We seriously had no idea those dinosaurs were back there. Gee, the things you find when you develop your film...

Photo by: George


In 2016, the phone app Pokemon:GO! was extremely popular. Kids, adults, and chimpanzees capable of stealing iPhones were all playing this highly addictive game, involving searching real-world locations to "capture" Pokemon characters.

What people don't know, however, was that Pokemon:GO! was actually an almost identical copy of an earlier game, Jarosmon:PROCEED!. George created it as a fun game for fans to search for George and Neal throughout their time traveling adventures (as well as their multiverse traveling adventures, but we'll get to that later). The app led people from place to place and time to time, in order to find George or Neal. At first, it was really, really fun, and the boys welcomed those players successful enough to locate them.

 

Just a little background... - Why George donned weird outfits and made "rawr rawr" kitten noises as players walked by... no one quite figured that one out.

Why George donned weird outfits and made "rawr rawr" kitten noises as players walked by... no one quite figured that one out.

Photo by: Neal

However, over time the game became considerably frustrating for George and Neal. Thousands and thousands of players would essentially stalk George and Neal at their workplaces, favorite hangouts, homes, and… well…. let's just say no place was sacred.

 

 - Yep, there's nothing sacred about this. (Also, you can't unsee things like this.  That is why the internet must be stopped.)

Yep, there's nothing sacred about this. (Also, you can't unsee things like this. That is why the internet must be stopped.)

Photo by: Neal

Exhausted from evading their many pursuers, George and Neal agreed to go back in time and stop themselves from ever inventing Jarosmon:PROCEED!, negating its existence in Clem-like proportions.

How Pokemon:GO! came into existence afterwards remains a mystery, although George and Neal suspect the piles and piles of money that George's son, Sam inexplicably acquired only shortly thereafter is somehow related.


In 1932 the Italian government hired George to stabilize the Leaning Tower of Pisa to prevent its collapse. Starting during its construction and continuing until George's stabilization project the tower gradually shifted to lean 5.5 degrees. But George's ingenious network of spider silk support cables and carbon fiber beams, all hidden beneath the crust of the earth, connected the tower to a number of other famous stable structures around the world, including the Great Pyramid at Giza, Statue of Liberty, the pyramid El Castillo at the Temple of Kukulkan in Chichen Itza, the Taj Mahal, Notre-Dame Cathedral, Castle Neuschwanstein, Bodiam Castle, the newly finished Christ the Redeemer statue, and the Hall of Supreme Harmony in the Forbidden City. Unfortunately records were lost and from 1989 to 2001 unnecessary restoration projects straightened the tower by removing soil from under the higher side of the foundation so it only leaned 3.99 degrees.

By 2038 tourism in Pisa had dropped significantly and the Italian Government decided to hire Neal to straighten the leaning tower once and for all. Neal, as usual, used the amazing strength in his thighs to just push the tower into a perfectly vertical position. Unfortunately, Neal knew nothing of George's former stabilization project and his method of brute force architectural restoration caused every monumental structure that George had previously anchored the tower to to tilt in response. So, starting in 2038, you'll be able to travel the globe and visit the Leaning Great Pyramid at Giza, Leaning Statue of Liberty, the Leaning Temple of Kukulkan in Chichen Itza, the Leaning Taj Mahal, Leaning Notre-Dame Cathedral, Leaning Castle Neuschwanstein, Leaning Bodiam Castle, the Leaning Christ the Redeemer statue, and the Leaning Hall of Supreme Harmony in the Forbidden City.

 

Just a little background... - It also doubles as a motorcycle ramp, perfect for jumping things, like sharks!

It also doubles as a motorcycle ramp, perfect for jumping things, like sharks!

Photo by: George

 

 - Now she really looks French.  Too much wine Frenchy?

Now she really looks French. Too much wine Frenchy?

Photo by: George

 

 - 1,000 mortal souls were sacrificed on this spot.  That's what happens when Neal visits after having the local burritos.

1,000 mortal souls were sacrificed on this spot. That's what happens when Neal visits after having the local burritos.

Photo by: George

 

 - Apparently one of the trees was attached to one of the spider silk support cables...

Apparently one of the trees was attached to one of the spider silk support cables...

Photo by: George

 

 - Hey look, Notre Dame is French, too!  Too much wine Frenchy?

Hey look, Notre Dame is French, too! Too much wine Frenchy?

Photo by: George

 

 - The crookedness of the castle now matches the crookedness of the spelling (and pronunciation).  ...Neuschwanstein... (Gesundheit!)

The crookedness of the castle now matches the crookedness of the spelling (and pronunciation). ...Neuschwanstein... (Gesundheit!)

Photo by: George

 

 - They now have a problem with flooding.  We'll fix that in 2094...

They now have a problem with flooding. We'll fix that in 2094...

Photo by: George

 

 - Not French, but I hear he's big on wine, too, especially with all that water around...

Not French, but I hear he's big on wine, too, especially with all that water around...

Photo by: George

 

 - China immediately claimed that the Hall of Supreme Harmony is still perfectly straight, it's the rest of the world that is leaning.

China immediately claimed that the Hall of Supreme Harmony is still perfectly straight, it's the rest of the world that is leaning.

Photo by: George


It surely goes without saying that, for thousands of years, George and Neal had an enormous impact on pop culture. They affected everything from television shows to movies, music to currency (especially during 2037-2062 where they convinced the world to use Beanie Babies as the universal currency.) Below you will find a section from the TV Guide for April 5-11, 2065, which illustrates the great impact they had on the television landscape. Note that most shows were created by George and Neal. The rest were created by George, George, George, Neal, and Neal (thanks to their forays into cloning).

 

Just a little background... - Fun Fact: before being beamed directly into your skull (whether you wanted it or not), TV Guide use to be printed on an ancient material known as “paper.

Fun Fact: before being beamed directly into your skull (whether you wanted it or not), TV Guide use to be printed on an ancient material known as “paper.

Photo by: Neal


Unbeknownst to many, and typical for a Hollywood film, 2000s blockbuster hit Cast Away, starring Tom Hanks, was nowhere near as good as the Broadway musical it was based on, which also starred Tom Hanks and, coincidentally, Neal. Neal played the iconic role of Wilson in the musical, however Tom Hanks got tired of carrying around Neal's severed head and wanted to share the screen with a volleyball for the movie. Neal wasn't too upset though because after his head spending 36 weeks on Broadway his body was starting to get hungry. So George hot-glued Neal's head back on and he had his first meal in months. Ironically, Neal chose coconuts for his first meal.

 

Just a little background... - Neal was just as excited by Hanks' hairy chest and nipples as Hanks was to make fire.

Neal was just as excited by Hanks' hairy chest and nipples as Hanks was to make fire.

Photo by: George


In 4020, George's clone wrote a biography about George's exciting, almost unbelievable life; however, since it was his life too, the clone technically composed the world's first "bio-autobiography". Interestingly, "Original George" (who unfortunately calls himself "the Real O.G.") was very upset with the book, and filed the very first lawsuit seeking damages for publishing an autobiography.


In 1966 George and Neal decided to visit the year 0, but the adventures they had in year 0 were so debaucherous that all reference to the year has been stricken from historical records.


George recently learned that when movie directors want to disown a horrible project, they would remove their name and instead use the pseudonym "Alan Smithee". Seeing a financial opportunity (and wishing to recoup the money Neal lost the two of them in a Fonzi Scheme), in 2065, George tried to convince Neal to change his name to Alan Smithee in order to obtain an ocean of royalty checks. Neal (now Alan) agreed. The plan worked, and Neal/Alan received a nice sum of money. However, they were not yet satisfied, and consequently to acquire more royalty checks, George changed his name to Julie Andrews, Julie changed her name to George Burns, and Clarissa changed her name to Neil Simon. (Believing this would become confusing, Neal told Clarissa, "Why don't I change my name to Neil Simon, and you can be Alan Smithee?" Clarissa replied, "That would be simply absurd.") Neal then suggested that he instead change his name to Clarissa Darling from the TV show Clarissa Explains It All, not realizing that fictional characters do not receive royalty checks. The plan worked, and they (once again) became rich beyond their wildest dreams (which is amazing, since their wildest dreams includes turning their entire bodies into platinum). However, it sure made get togethers confusing when George (Julie) wanted to talk to Neal (Clarissa), while George (Neal) and Neal (George) went off on one of their strange adventures.


You know that saying, "If looks could kill"? Well, for a short period in 1868 some looks actually could kill. Glares, frowns, and the evil eye were often incapacitating and occasionally fatal. Luckily George and Neal were around and everyone was severely entertained, so looks mostly just tickled people pink, and occasionally other colors like smaragdine.

 

Just a little background... - You really can't tell from this picture, mainly because it is in black and white, but the 1868 graduating class from the US Naval Academy in Annapolis is definitely tickled pink (except for the front row, they were tickled glaucous.

You really can't tell from this picture, mainly because it is in black and white, but the 1868 graduating class from the US Naval Academy in Annapolis is definitely tickled pink (except for the front row, they were tickled glaucous.

Photo by: George


Originally, Mel Gibson won the 2016 election. Thanks to George and Neal's time machine, this was averted. Unfortunately, Mel Gibson also had a time machine (which explains why many of his movies are so historically accurate), and he used it to once again tip the election in his favor. Civic duty demanded George and Neal change the timeline back. However, Mel then went back in time to alter the timeline so he won the election again. This back and forth went on seven hundred more times. The good news was that George and Neal averted a timeline where Mel Gibson was president. However, the bad news was that due to the constant tearing of the timeline fabric, for a period of time our president was Lindsey Lohan, then Megatron from Transformers, then a zombie Richard Nixon (his platform was "braaaaainnns!"), then an inanimate hat (its platform, oddly enough, was also "braaaaainnns!") and finally, Donald Trump. They kept trying to fix the timeline after that point, but nothing could be altered. Well, other than the fact that now Trump and Hillary Clinton are now secret, passionate lovers.

George and Neal felt really bad about messing up so badly (it being the first time they ever made a mistake), but this didn't stop them from capitalizing on the situation and writing a torrid romance novel about Trump and Clinton's love affair.

 

Just a little background... - "This," purred Hillary, "gives a whole new meaning to 'Hot off the Press.'"

"This," purred Hillary, "gives a whole new meaning to 'Hot off the Press.'"

Photo by: Neal

 

 - Republicans and Democrats finally agreed on one thing - this probably wasn't the best book to read to children.

Republicans and Democrats finally agreed on one thing - this probably wasn't the best book to read to children.

Photo by: Neal

NY Times called the book, "Painfully detailed."

Hillary wrote the foreword, which read only: "Damn you both."


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... As a young girl, Princess Leia Organa was a member of the Alderaan Starflower Girl Scout Troop. Her troop was one of the first in the Core Worlds, but began to struggle with funding as a result of increased costs for their grassroots support of the Rebel Alliance. Leia helped to organize a bake sale, selling cookies to support her Troop and the idea caught on. Within a few years Troops all around the galaxy were selling cookies to support Girl Scout Troops from Naboo to Hoth. By 2 BBY the Girl Scouts had standardized on several different cookie flavors, and the most popular varieties started are still available during annual fundraising drives for Girl Scouts in several different galaxies throughout the Universe (except on Alderaan, unfortunately). In 28 ABY the Girl Scouts redesigned their logo to honor Leia's inspirational work in both the Girl Scouts and the Rebel Alliance. Today the logo, known as the Trefoil, still reflects Leia's signature hairstyle.

 

Just a little background... - Today's most popular selling cookie is the Thin Mint, but in Leia's time the most popular variety were the Chewie Wookie cookies.

Today's most popular selling cookie is the Thin Mint, but in Leia's time the most popular variety were the Chewie Wookie cookies.

Photo by: George


In an attempt to settle the long-running debate whether human behavior is determined by a person’s genes or rather by their environment, George and Neal traveled to 1990 and created the rap/ska musical group Naughty by Nurture. Just as George and Neal
planned, when news of their band name reached rappers Treach, Vin Rock, and DJ Kay Gee (collectively known as Naughty by Nature), they interrupted George and Neal’s UnLive Aid show (a benefit concert devoted to androids, zombies, and android zombies) to fight them onstage. Fights also ensued among the audience, which consisted of an equal split of fans of both groups. George and Neal immediately felt bad about what happened, and further realized that human behavior is determined by BOTH genes AND environment. Therefore, the boys made up with Treach and company, forming the supergroup known as Naughty By Nature vs. Nurture.

 

Just a little background... - So naughty that Santa won't even bother checking his list even once for these guys.  (Also, snakes and babies were apparently status symbols of some sort back in 1990.)

So naughty that Santa won't even bother checking his list even once for these guys. (Also, snakes and babies were apparently status symbols of some sort back in 1990.)

Photo by: Neal

The songs they released were unsurprisingly terrible, but the muffin recipes that they also released were delicious.

 

 - A new debate arose, with some arguing the muffins were tastier than 2Pac's tea cakes.

A new debate arose, with some arguing the muffins were tastier than 2Pac's tea cakes.

Photo by: Neal


In 2121 Neal was stranded in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a desert island. However, Neal couldn't spell and thought he was on a dessert island. He spent the next year and a half eating nothing but sand, bark, and the occasional wandering crab, which he thought were cake crumbs, chocolate, and gummy crabs respectively. Somehow he survived, however this really did a number on his teeth, inspiring him to write the hit song "Teeth are for Wussies, so Give Edentulous a Chance". Ironically, George was also stranded in the middle of the ocean during the exact same time frame, but he was actually on a dessert island. He survived the 18 months on a diet of whipped cream, lollipops, and chocolate chip cookies. This inspired George to create the recipe for his tooth-whitening toothpaste. Also, ironically, George and Neal's islands were within swimming distance of each other, however Neal was too afraid of the salt in the ocean to swim over. (Well, according to George. According to Neal it was because George kept him away by brandishing licorice whips, but who are you gonna believe?) When George and Neal finally were rescued by some guy named Clem, they returned to the 1980's and put their latest creations to good use.

 

Just a little background... - Although it was in tropical latitudes, it's a good thing George had his winter gear.  All that ice cream made the air pretty chilly.  Yummy, but chilly.

Although it was in tropical latitudes, it's a good thing George had his winter gear. All that ice cream made the air pretty chilly. Yummy, but chilly.

Photo by: George


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, a story about a child born as an old man who aged in reverse, wasn’t always a work of fiction. Originally, there were multiple cases of children born as old people who then aged in reverse. In 2068, George and Neal started the “Benjamin Button Disease: Walk or Sleep for the Cure” charity, dedicated to eradicating this horrible disease.

 

Just a little background... - Above: Numerous seven-year-old sufferers of B.B. Disease participating in the 9th annual Walk for the Cure”

Above: Numerous seven-year-old sufferers of B.B. Disease participating in the 9th annual Walk for the Cure”

Photo by: Neal

 

 - Above: Severe cases, unable to walk, participate in “Sleep for the Cure”

Above: Severe cases, unable to walk, participate in “Sleep for the Cure”

Photo by: Neal

Given the overwhelming support generated by the charity, by 2071 they thankfully found a cure for BBD. George and Neal traveled back to 1859, secretly distributing the cure worldwide. Consequently, Benjamin Button and every other child thereafter led normal (or at least chronological) lives. Though they rarely discussed these events (preferring to keep their good deed anonymous), one cold night in 1921, George and Neal retold the tale to good friend Fabio Scott Fitzgerald who wrote the now famous short story about the (now fictional) illness.


In 2017 George and Neal decided to start a new hairstyle fad. Instead of the refined, prim, manicured look that they made popular for most of the previous decade they both decided to skip the weekly stylist visits and nightly shampoo/conditioner/brushing regimen they had adhered to for the past 9 years and let their hair grow au natural. The jury is still out on if this was a good idea or not.

 

Just a little background... - George just got more and more hair everywhere, except where he needed it most.  Neal's hair took on the form of the animal spirits he had sacrificed to his hair in years past.

George just got more and more hair everywhere, except where he needed it most. Neal's hair took on the form of the animal spirits he had sacrificed to his hair in years past.

Photo by: George


On April 1, 2023, Neal was constantly repeating everything that George said. It was later discovered that as a practical joke George used the time traveling machine to go back in time to learn what Neal was about to say, then said it moments before Neal said it, so it appeared like Neal was constantly copying George. Although annoyed by that joke, Neal liked the concept of pre-plagiarism, and used it to "ghost-write" such novels as Wuthering Heights, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and A Confederacy of Dunces which he then sold to the authors who originally wrote the books in the first place. (Though, given that each of the authors only wrote one book, it's quite possible that Neal actually wrote the books himself at some point in the time continuum, and simply sold his manuscripts to those authors.)

But you overlooked this tiny bit! (That's what she said.)


On April 1, 2023, Neal was constantly repeating everything that George said. It was later discovered that as a practical joke George used the time traveling machine to go back in time to learn what Neal was about to say, then said it moments before Neal said it, so it appeared like Neal was constantly copying George. Although annoyed by that joke, Neal liked the concept of pre-plagiarism, and used it to "ghost-write" such novels as Wuthering Heights, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and A Confederacy of Dunces which he then sold to the authors who originally wrote the books in the first place. (Though, given that each of the authors only wrote one book, it's quite possible that Neal actually wrote the books himself at some point in the time continuum, and simply sold his manuscripts to those authors.)


During 2003, while involved in their historic "Dare Ya..." competitions, Neal said, "George, I dare ya to create a real life Ziggy," (the adorable, nonthreatening newspaper comic strip character). Neal was deeply satisfied with this dare, as he knew this was an impossible feat. What creature could possibly survive, maintaining such a pudgy, globulous body?

Undaunted, George was determined and attempted to create a real life Ziggy. To George's great frustration, experiment after experiment failed. Months passed without success. Ultimately, refusing to concede, George managed to create a fish that looked exactly like Ziggy.

 

Just a little background... - That... is a strong likeness.

That... is a strong likeness.

Photo by: Neal

Neal could not deny the strong likeness, but argued George did not create an actual "Ziggy person" therefore failing the challenge (a debate the two have argued over every subsequent "Dare Ya" competitions). In any event, after the competition was over George found the fish a good home - meaning he chucked it over the side of a bridge.

Somehow, the fish thrived and even reproduced. Later that year, the fish was discovered by an ichthyologist. While George understood why the scientist named it the "blobfish", he couldn't help but be slightly disappointed the scientist didn't note its resemblance to Ziggy.

[Editor's note: The Ugly Animal Preservation Society conducted a poll to determine its official mascot. More than three thousand people voted. The Blobfish won by a landslide.]


For many years, the makers of the card game Timeline sought to create a “George and Neal”-centric game. However, given the convoluted and ever-changing history affected by the duo’s chronal exploits, it made creating the game impossible. It was only after the first biography, The Grand Saga of George and Neal’s Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding) was published in 2018, that the chronology became clear.

 

Just a little background... - The game is probably too easy... I mean, who doesn’t know when George Juice was developed, relative to when those extremely attractive Pleasurebots were created?

The game is probably too easy... I mean, who doesn’t know when George Juice was developed, relative to when those extremely attractive Pleasurebots were created?

Photo by: Neal

Now, G&N-ophiles can show off their knowledge by bragging they know when Neal gave his body to science, and whether that was before or after George babysat Metallica’s James Hatfield. Curiously, when the makers of timeline refused to share their profits with George and Neal, it was immediately discovered that an exact identical Timeline game was published 100 years earlier (copyrighted by George and Neal), under the name Timeline: The This Is What Happens When You Won’t Share Profits Edition.

 

 - Copyrights are meaningless against time-traveling grudge-holders.

Copyrights are meaningless against time-traveling grudge-holders.

Photo by: Neal


Then there was the time that the entire George and Neal saga appeared in book purchasable book form, on Blurb.com (http://www.blurb.com/b/8323918-the-grand-saga-of-george-and-neal-s-adventures-thr).

Now you, too, can purchase a book, the contents of which can be read entirely for free online!


In 1940 George and Neal wrote and released a song entitled Dreaming of a Purple Christmas. The song was mildly successful and in 1941 Irving Berlin wrote a parody called White Christmas. Oddly, the parody went on to garner more success than the original. In 1948 Doye O'Dell recorded Blue Christmas, a direct statement in support of colored Christmas songs. Over the next few years a whole slew of Christmas songs were released, each one promoting segregation of holiday colors. Tensions rose and things finally came to a head in the 1960s with the extremely controversial 1966 Grateful Dead song, Rainbow Christmas. On December 24, 1967 Martin Luther King Jr. spoke to a throng of millions during a Christmas Eve march to the Capital Plaza Mall.

"I had another dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their Christmas snow, but by the contents of their presents. I had another dream that one day Christmases will be celebrated with snow of all colors; red, green, white, blue, black, gray, and yellow. OK, maybe not the yellow snow, but you see where I'm going with this..."

 

Just a little background... - Dr. King's "I Had Another Dream" speech isn't quite as well known as his previous speeches, but it was instrumental in promoting a multi-colored Christmas.  Today you can even buy multi-colored Christmas lights.

Dr. King's "I Had Another Dream" speech isn't quite as well known as his previous speeches, but it was instrumental in promoting a multi-colored Christmas. Today you can even buy multi-colored Christmas lights.

Photo by: George


February 2019 marks the 10th anniversary of the Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

....well, February 2019 did originally. Then George took the chronicles to 1009 a.d., to let the masses enjoy such a good saga. He was praised so much there/then, that he decided to continue writing it from that point on, now making February 2019 the 1,020 year anniversary.

....well, February 2019 did at that point. Then Neal took the chronicles back to 75 B.C.....


In 2039 the game Tic Tac Toe had a huge resurgence in popularity when Neal discovered that the game had a hidden Easter Egg, where you could actually play on the lines instead of the squares. This opened up many new strategies, that for centuries, had been hidden and remained unexplored. In order to cash in on the Tic Tac Toe hype, George partnered with Ferrero SpA candy company on a new line of candy. Tic Tac Toes were less popular than their minty counterparts, but they sold reasonably well for most of the next decade.

 

Just a little background... - This was the variety pack.  Some of the most popular flavors, like Hyperhidrosis, Corns, and Burst Blister, came in their own packaging.

This was the variety pack. Some of the most popular flavors, like Hyperhidrosis, Corns, and Burst Blister, came in their own packaging.

Photo by: George


George and Neal have constantly manipulated reality through their countless (well, really infinite, if you consider the multiverse versions of George and Neal) time traveling. Their efforts have benefited the universe over and over. For example, many species, like the "bear" and the "dog," have been brought back from extinction. Metal underpants have been eliminated from existence in favor of cotton (you're welcome, people's junk). Asparagus Juice is no longer a thing...

... but every change is not categorically a good one. George's biggest regret is that now most of the world uses the "Gold Standard". Previously, the world used the much more reliable and sensible "Muppet Standard."

 

Just a little background... - On the reverse side of the coin: "C is for Currency, and that's good enough for me!"

On the reverse side of the coin: "C is for Currency, and that's good enough for me!"

Photo by: Other - Caption by: Neal

Although memory of the Muppet Standard has mostly faded from George's memory, he still recalls buying a hot chocolate one cold morning, handing over four Miss Piggies, and still getting a few Rolfs back. Things were cheaper back then.


In 2018 George's third kid served as inspiration to his greatest gift to the human race. He noticed that Andrew was very mobile and kept having problems with his diaper shifting into odd positions. Additionally, diapers are really not all that stylish. So he worked with leading fashion designers (but mostly Neal and Sisqo) to come up with a new design for the traditional nappy. Since then Thong Diapers have become all the rage and have changed the course of history.

 

Just a little background... - Seventh Generation was the first company to jump on board with this civilization changing revolution in diaper design.  Less material in the diapers means they're much more environmentally friendly.  Maybe not for your immediate environment, but overall they really helped.

Seventh Generation was the first company to jump on board with this civilization changing revolution in diaper design. Less material in the diapers means they're much more environmentally friendly. Maybe not for your immediate environment, but overall they really helped.

Photo by: George





All Content © 2009-2019 by George Jaros and Neal Simon
Disclaimer: If you think an image displayed here is owned by you, please contact us via the comment form or .
The TRUTH, for those that wish to seek it...