The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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In 1973, Neal and George co-founded the DHARMA initiative (yeah, those Lost guys got the idea from us), in an effort to prevent the pending apocalypse. Also, to make peanut butter that won't stick to the roof of your mouth. Unfortunately, there are those who oppose such a peanut butter, and we have been at war with those Hostiles (or "Jiffys" as we also call them) ever since. We called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and asked them to hold off for a while. Since they too like peanut butter that doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth they agreed to wait until we have perfected our recipe. We've since stopped research on peanut butter, but don't tell the Horsemen.

 

In 711 AD on July 11th at 7:11pm George and Neal invented the convenience store. Then, in 1927 some guy named Joe Thompson completely ripped off our idea and is widely credited with inventing the convenience store. I guess it's our own fault though. We abandoned our stores in 718 AD leaving them in the care of the Saxons. How were we to know that Charlemagne would crush them nearly 100 years later? Oh yeah, never mind. Our bad. Anyway, Charlemagne ran the stores for a decade before dying and passing ownership on to his son Louis, who ran the stores into bankruptcy in just a few short decades.

 

In 1950 George created a comic strip about a short bald kid that everyone picked on. The strip competed closely with another very similar comic strip for decades. Each week George would come up with a great idea only to have it copied almost exactly by the other strip the following week. For some reason that other strip gained fame and notoriety and George's strip never left the pages of some obscure publications. So remember, Sam Tan and his pals were the original Pistachio Kids and that rag-tag Peanuts gang was just a bunch of copy cats. Neal also started a comic strip about a feisty cat named Garfcliff in 1970, but due to mismanagement Neal was forced by the government to divide up his strip and sell off the separate components, thus resulting in two successful comic strips. Garfield and Heathcliff fared much better without Neal's guidance.

 

In 1969, George was up for the role as Greg Brady on the show The Brady Bunch. However, George did not get the part due to "accidentally" throwing a football at Maureen McCormick's face after she rejected his awkward advances (well, at least, they were awkward in 1969. Offering to show someone your hard drive didn't work back then. Well, actually, it doesn't work now, either. What were you thinking, George?). On the plus side, the football-in-Marsha's-nose bit ended up in a later episode. George received no compensation, as the show's producers claim that Eve Plumb came up with the idea of causing injury to Marsha's face. Neal was also determined to land a role in a 70s television show, but could not do so, probably because he kept trying out for roles that he was obviously not a match for (such as Mr. Roeper and/or Mrs. Roeper of Three's Company fame).

 

The long running television series Doctor Who is loosely based on George and Neal's adventures, except their time machine does not look like a police box (their Rock Smoothie Machine looks more like a port-a-potty), they aren't time lords from another planet (they do have two hearts though - one each), they cause just about as many problems as they solve, they can't regenerate (at least not yet), while they have had a lot of nicknames in the past, The Doctor has never been one of them, they have no fear of becoming a red head, and they are much better looking than The Doctor. They do, however, occasionally take companions on their journeys. But unlike The Doctor, their companions are not random people they stumble into odd situations with. Instead their companions are carefully selected from an applicant pool of interested parties. Once a suitable companion is selected (they must of course be approved by their wives first), only then will the companion be subjected to odd situations. If you are interested in being an applicant please send a head shot, complete contact information, short description of yourself, photograph of your first pet, a 534 word essay on why you think George and Neal are the most incredible humans to exist in any (or all) time, and $163.26 in Canadian to: P.O. Box 75112, Gallifrey Way, New New York, NNY 314159.

 

In 1960 Neal invented the precursor to the lava lamp, affectionately called the 'Squeegee Glow Blob Light'. However in 1963 British accountant Edward Craven-Walker stole Neal's idea. Craven-Walker's variation was much more successful and in 1968 he was awarded a patent for his design, something denied Neal because Craven-Walker's lamps used a combination of mineral oil, paraffin wax, and carbon tetrachloride instead of Neal's disturbingly un-hygenic formula of sebum, ear wax, and pus. Someday we'll tell you about how George had the original idea for the Squirmle Magic Pet Worm, but we'll let you recover from the lava lamp thing first.

 

In 1906 George accidentally originated the popular phrase "When fate hands you lemons, make lemonade." This phrase was later published in Volume 26, Issue 5 of Men's Wear magazine in January 1909 before Elbert Hubbard used in in Reader's Digest in October 1927 and Dale Carnegie made it famous when he published it as: "When fate hands us a lemon let's try to make a lemonade." Rule #6, at the end of Chapter 17 in Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" published in 1948. George is very proud of the success of this phrase, despite the fact that is has been misquoted right from the beginning. What George actually said was "When fate gives you lemurs, you should try to make lemurade." Neal also tried to capitalize on George's phrase, but it turns out that people really don't like the whole idea of lemurade.

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