The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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After beginning to run out of material to add to the "Facebook Edit-Off" competition in year 6 of said competition, George and Neal decided to invent a teleportation device that is able to deconstruct matter and send it to another location within this universe. Their first attempt at using the teleportation device for a living animal was successful. The second test, sending two animals through, was disastrous. The duck and beaver oddly combined to form the platypus. Luckily George and Neal were able to use their time machine and send the creature back millions of years where it could multiply and confound scientists for years. After two other unsuccessful tests, George and Neal finally perfected their teleportation device for multiple living creatures and now use it to travel to exotic locations so they have more information to add to the "Facebook Edit-Off" competition.

 

In 1999, Neal tried to give his body to science. After 30 days, his body was returned as being defective.

 

There are lots of stories about the Bermuda Triangle and how it causes ships and airplanes to mysteriously disappear. In actuality, this is the simply a side effect of George and Neal using their Time Travel technology. Every time we travel in time a time vortex opens in the Bermuda Triangle area and anything caught in its path is transported to a parallel universe. This effect also causes other objects in our universe to travel to a parallel universe, even if they are not located in the Bermuda Triangle. This is called the Unmatched Sock effect and is greatly exaggerated by the common household dryer. It also affects coins (although they tend to reappear under seat cushions), Barbie doll shoes, Matchbox Cars (but strangely not Hot Wheels), pen caps, and utility bills. The parallel universe looks very much like George's dorm room while at UIUC.

 

George and Neal taught Chuck Norris everything he knows about kicking ass and Bill Nye everything he knows about science.

 

George and Neal can view the entire electromagnetic spectrum, not only visible light. This has many uses and has helped us with our amazing achievements. We are also able to listen to radio and watch TV by directly observing their transmission signals. However the downside is that we have to wear welders’ masks when we make microwave popcorn and sunglasses when using wi-fi internet access.

 

In September 1928, Neal and George decided to attempt to clone themselves so that future generations could benefit from their awesomeness. Neal believed he was on to something when he created "George Spores", which grew from George's feet. In reality, this was just Athlete's Foot, obtained by George while showering at the dorms at U of I. However, on the plus side, when Neal threw out his "George Spores" in Alexander Fleming's laboratory, it resulted in Fleming's discovery of Penicillin. So, millions of lives were once again saved by George's stinky feet.

 

In an effort to avoid paying taxes on his massive fortune, in 1935, Neal established the first truly secular religion, Nealism. Honoring the tenets of this religion involved eating lots of chocolate, sleeping, makin' sweet love down by the fire, and playing video games (the latter being extremely difficult in 1935). Wanting to follow in Neal's footsteps, George created his own religion in 1944, called The First United Orthodox Church of Georgish Science. George amazed his followers by constantly quoting from the Simpsons and the Blues Brothers. Since neither had been created in 1944, his people found George to be the funniest, wittiest man alive.

 

680 Million years ago George and Neal were snooping around prehistoric earth studying ancient single celled organisms. When they left, Neal absentmindedly left their Taylor Wharton LABS-40K Cryogenic Freezer system behind when we were packing up to return home. Unfortunately he also left the lid open, causing a drastic decrease in the Earth's temperature. Earth slowly cooled to the point that it was entirely frozen. For over 30 Million years Earth was covered in a thick glacial layer of ice and snow, a period some scientists refer to as Snowball Earth. This frozen period in Earth's prehistory caused the delay of the development of multicellular life forms by 33,456,721 years, 6 months and 4 days (give or take a few weeks). So what is now 2009 AD should actually be the year 33,458,730 AD and human kind should have already evolved beyond the need for physical bodies, in fact far beyond what humans are even capable of fathoming. We can thank Neal for millions of years of setback.

 

In 1927 there were actually 14 months to the year. Elevember came after December and Simbulary came after April. Earth revolved around the sun a bit slower than it does now. But during beta testing of the whoopee cushion, George and Neal accidentally accelerated the Earth's average speed from approximately 56,146 mph to 66,622 miles per hour, resulting in the year being 61 days shorter. The final version of the whoopee cushion was significantly less powerful.

 

Although principles of space-time restrict George and Neal from interacting with their older or younger selves (without proper precautions there is a high risk of imploding the universe - also, doing so causes all baked goods to smell like old cheese for some reason), Neal and George decided, what the hey, let's see what we're like as old men. George fortunately found out that he seemed to have discovered an elixir that caused him to age in reverse a la Benjamin Button. Here is George at age 160:

Neal, on the other hand, immediately suffered a minor heart attack and still suffers from what is likely a form of post traumatic stress disorder upon discovering what he'd look like later in life:

And that's just age 40.

 

In a landmark, decade long study that George and Neal published the results of in 2012, it was discovered that the biggest cause of global warming was actually the consumption of carbonated beverages. Every can or bottle of jaguanst (that's soda or pop to you unenlightened ones) consumed by the world's population releases a small amount of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. All that fizz really adds up. As a result of the study world governments immediately banned all carbonated beverages, resulting in dramatic reductions in CO2 emissions around the globe. Subsequently, the drastic cooling effect caused the beginning of the next ice age by 2015.

 

Neal does not like the taste of fish. In 2000, George decided to help out Neal by playing around with genetics to create the first fish that tasted like chicken. Unfortunately, this backfired, and now nearly all chickens found in the Midwest taste like fish. Undeterred, George and Neal found themselves immersed in the complicated world of genetics. Despite a plethora of cease-and-desist orders from the most prominent scientific communities, George created the first gir-rilla (pronounced Jer-rilla):

Not to be outdone, Neal created the world's first Dat, which won 2nd prize at the Westminster Freakshow:

Between 2000-2004, Neal and George fervently created more and more hybrid animals, the likes of which this world has never seen (including the Zebruck, the pengagroo, and the hipponaucerous, a personal favorite). However, George and Neal ceased entirely working in the realm of genetics when a bearpotomus and an ostrephant had a mutant baby so terrifying, so disgusting, that it cannot be adequately described. Here's a picture:

After this abomination was spewn forth, George and Neal decided to call it a day, and destroyed each and every hybrid creature they created.

....Well, except for the platypus. We love that little guy.

 

In 2014 the United States was overrun by a large number of giant squirrels. Apparently our neighbor, Sciuridaetopia had been conducting top secret genetic experiments when something went terribly wrong and the test subjects escaped, rampaging across Sciuridaetopia's main science campus in the capital city of Skiouros before fleeing into neighboring US territory. George and Neal lead a team of S.N.I.C.K.E.R.S. as well as members of various elite US military outfits to hunt down all of the gigantic squirrels. Thanks to George and Neal's heroic efforts all twelve escaped subjects were killed or captured. Sciuridaetopia has agreed to suspend their Ratufa Maximus program and is now focusing their scientific talents toward figuring out social issues they face, like how to get into a bird feeder atop a flag pole.

 

In 1987, while working on their little known chromosome research project, George and Neal discovered that the Y chromosome was merely a "lazy X" chromosome. This explains why most men are less productive (and let's face it, hygienic) than women. Of course, this data was accidentally suppressed by George and Neal, because they were too lazy to mail it in for publication. They'll get to it. Someday.

 

In 2025 George and Neal received a grant from the US government to study the long held belief that if you give a billion monkeys a billion typewriters eventually they'll type the complete works of Shakespeare. Unfortunately our study ended prematurely after 32 years when one of the monkeys figured out how to convert the typewriter into a jackhammer and broke all the other monkeys out of our research facility. We were however left with several Stephen King novels, three seasons of Saturday Night Live, the 1876 edition of the Farmers Almanac, and "How to Win Friends & Influence People" translated to Klingon, not to mention a very stinky research facility.

 

In 2036, tired of attempting to potty train their many, many children (combined, George and Neal sired 664 children, thanks to their wives, who have been cloned many times over as George and Neal can't seem to get enough of them), George and Neal gathered the best and brightest scientific minds (read: just the two of them - oh, and they also included Stephen Hawking, not because he's as smart as Neal and George (he's not), but rather because they liked hearing Hawking's melodious robotic voice). The goal: discover a way to eliminate the need to potty train children. Two hours later, the solution was discovered. George and Neal combined the awesome, near-supernatural powers of duct tape and children's pottys, and revealed their newest invention, the "Toilet Tush Taper" (aka "Poop Cubed") to the world. (((Patent (and significantly better name) pending.))) This invention did not sell well, though, after someone realized that the "invention" of taping a toilet to a child's touchas was really the same thing as a diaper. A much heavier, messier, terrible diaper. Red Green was impressed at the ingenious use of duct tape though.

 

After hearing that Isaac Newton once disparaged Neal's great-great-great-great Grandfather's honor, George and Neal went back to 1666, and chucked an apple at his head. Incidentally, this led to the discovery of gravity by the somewhat confused scientist. George took this to mean that if he threw random things at people's heads, they, too, would have equally as grand epiphanies. Soon, Neal learned that George liked to randomly and without warning throw things at his head. The only discovery Neal had that day? Apples freakin' hurt. George was entirely satisfied with that epiphany.

 

In 1975 a hiccup in the Teleportation Device George and Neal use to travel instantaneously across huge distances caused them to swap realities with alternate versions of themselves that came from a parallel universe where everyone has what we would call in this reality, "SUPER POWERS" (yes, in all caps). Shortly after arriving in this reality the SUPER George and Neal realized that they were the only ones in this reality with their special powers. They quickly turned to a life of heroic deeds, saving humanity from many disasters, criminals, and accidents. Meanwhile, in the alternate SUPER reality, normal George and Neal were soon discovered to lack the ability to fly, leap over tall buildings in a single bound, or catch a speeding bullet in their teeth (although that last one was luckily never tested since in the SUPER reality bullets are useless and thus guns were never invented). Initially George and Neal were ridiculed and abused, then later pitied and became the beneficiaries of several humanitarian charities. Scientists researched them, tested them, and probed them mercilessly. Until late in 1977, when George had finally had enough. He left the confines of the research facility and searched for a useful role in society. He was amazed to find out that despite all their SUPER abilities, the residents of the SUPER reality lacked some very basic skills. So George forged a new identity, saving the SUPER citizens from environmental and financial disaster. George became "Bicycle Repair Man!", fixing the basic mode of transportation for all the SUPER beings. (You see, since they were SUPER strong and SUPER fast the inhabitants of the SUPER reality never had the need to invent automobiles. They could pedal anywhere as fast as they wanted. However their lack of bicycle repair skills meant they never fixed their bicycles when they broke. Instead they would toss them in the nearest landfill and purchase another new bike, resulting in thousands and thousands of square miles of nothing but bicycle junkyards - providing plenty of usable parts for George, the Bicycle Repair Man!) Neal, on the other hand, kind of enjoyed the scientific probes and remained in the research facility until 1984 when an unusually active burst of sunspots caused the rift in the reality matrix to fix itself and sent SUPER George and Neal back to their own reality and returned normal George and Neal to this reality.

 

After extensive research for 23 years, George and Neal released the results of their Studio Carrum Ccohortis project. They discovered a very complex formula for determining the winners of any given sporting event. Careful comparison between two teams and their fans can show which team will actually win any given sporting event. Taken into consideration is such data as how many fans watch or attend an event when they normally wouldn't, how many fans are absent from events they would normally attend, how many fans wear apparel supporting their team when they normally wouldn't, how many fans' lucky garments are unable to be worn, who shaved or didn't shave their beard or legs, etc. All of this information gets compiled and the results for two competing teams are compared to predict which team will win the event. Their current algorithm is 98.458% correct and being improved all the time. So the next time someone says it's your fault their team lost because you had to go and watch the game, they were probably right.

 

In order to celebrate his genius, George and Neal went back in time to 1952 to meet Albert Einstein. Rather than being interested in scientific breakthroughs and new physics concepts of the new millennium, Einstein wished only to learn of our current fashion trends. Consequently, history was altered ever-so-slightly, and now getting your tongue pierced is commonly referred to as "going all Einstein on your mouth".

 

In 2036 George and Neal started one of the most aggressive research studies into ESP and telepathy (prophecy wasn't included since we already had our time machine and didn't need to know the future). The study was proceeding very well, with huge leaps of knowledge about how to read other peoples' minds, until March 15, 2037. Two days previously subject 1337 shouted "Beware the Ides of March". But since we weren't studying prophecy, and didn't see any inherent danger in the song "Vehicle", we ignored him. Unfortunately that was a mistake because on Sunday, March 15, 2037 we began Operation Baffle, in which we paired up our telepathic test subjects and asked them to read each other's minds. We failed to anticipate the feedback loop that would be caused as each telepath read the mind of another telepath that was reading the mind of the initial telepath again. The result was a complete meltdown in the research facility as alpha brainwaves were mutated into destructive tau patterns (dubbed taunamis). Every telepath entered a catatonic state, except for one, who described the mind boggling effect to be like looking in a mirror with another mirror behind you. The same thought patterns were repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... We've since decided to stop messing around with the laws of metaphysics. Physics is still fair game though.

 

In 4539 George and Neal decided to dabble in alchemy and turned themselves into golden statues. Luckily the effects were only temporary and by 5935 they were restored to their normal selves. Except for their spleens, which went on to have songs and limericks written about them, like "There once was a spleen I've been told, Around for so long it was old, This spleen could not rupture, For its atomic structure, Had been changed from carbon to gold."

 

This wasn't the first time that George and Neal had a monumental impact on the mathematical world. In 2012, while bored one weekend, they decided to become experts in astrophysics, physics, and a host of other scientific topics. Along the way, they learned that each day was calculated to be one second longer than it really was. Neal and George discovered that consequently all calendars were off by 8.5 days. This explains why, when they went back to celebrate the 2011 New Year with themselves, they wound up traveling to January 9 (and a half). Though bummed they couldn't ring in the New Year (again) with themselves, on the positive side at least they were able to attend the Southern Sudan referendum on independence, where the Sudanese electorate voted in favor of independence, paving the way for the creation of the new state in July. History came alive, boy howdy!

 

In September 2012 George took a short break from time travelling, changing history, and altering the laws of physics to spend some more time with his family. On September 3rd he showed the boys how to distort spacial dimensions to grow and shrink at will. On the 8th they learned about monarch butterflies and how Neal taught them to fly from Canada to Mexico. And on September 9th George and his boys had fun flying hipsters in the park. It was a fun filled week!

 

In 1984, during George and Neal's famous Cow Experimentation period (it's not what it sounds like), they successfully bred cows with extremely high intelligence. As a result, George and Neal became strict vegetarians, and hid the nation's beef. This coincidentally coincided with Wendy's "Where's the Beef?" campaign, and therefore the public thought the lack of beef was merely a marketing stunt. Unfortunately for cows but fortunately for the meat-eating public, the hyper-intelligent cows did not live longer than three days, so the meat was redistributed (that's what she... well, you know where I'm going with that, so let's just move on). Still though, if the cows had survived, what a world it would be... In the three short days they were alive, they founded the United Democratic Distribution of Edible Relief (known as U.D.D.E.R.), an institution devoted to ending worldwide hunger. The organization focused on the mass distribution of chickens, pigs, platypus, and other farm enemies.

 

In July 1972 George and Neal were members of the Apollo 19 mission to the moon. After landing in the Hyginus Rille region-Linear Rille, crater area. We were part of a team that explored a clutch of crashed extraterrestrial vehicles, several large egg shaped objects with an "Ork or Bust" sticker on the back of one. In 1978 we made a television series about our discovery.

 

Unbeknownst to most people, the original Star Trek series was actually a documentary series about George and Neal's adventures. Captain Kirk and his crew were part of a film crew charged with a 5 year mission to explore planets and civilizations that were originally discovered and documented (and sometimes even created) by George and Neal during their adventures. The original catch phrase for the show was "To boldly go where no man (except for George and Neal) has gone before", however to better fit onto promotional posters (and since whether George and Neal were men or gods was a hotly debated topic in the late 1960's) it was shortened to the well known phrase, which I'm sure you are very familiar with. If not, then go ask a nerd.

 

During 2003, while involved in their historic "Dare Ya..." competitions, Neal said, "George, I dare ya to create a real life Ziggy," (the adorable, nonthreatening newspaper comic strip character). Neal was deeply satisfied with this dare, as he knew this was an impossible feat. What creature could possibly survive, maintaining such a pudgy, globulous body?

Undaunted, George was determined and attempted to create a real life Ziggy. To George's great frustration, experiment after experiment failed. Months passed without success. Ultimately, refusing to concede, George managed to create a fish that looked exactly like Ziggy.

Neal could not deny the strong likeness, but argued George did not create an actual "Ziggy person" therefore failing the challenge (a debate the two have argued over every subsequent "Dare Ya" competitions). In any event, after the competition was over George found the fish a good home - meaning he chucked it over the side of a bridge.

Somehow, the fish thrived and even reproduced. Later that year, the fish was discovered by an ichthyologist. While George understood why the scientist named it the "blobfish", he couldn't help but be slightly disappointed the scientist didn't note its resemblance to Ziggy.

[Editor's note: The Ugly Animal Preservation Society conducted a poll to determine its official mascot. More than three thousand people voted. The Blobfish won by a landslide.]

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