The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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In 1984, George starred in the movie "Breakin'!" as Master Shabazz. In 1986, Neal, in an effort to follow in his friend's footsteps, starred in the movie "Breakin'! 2: Electric Boogaloo" as Funkmaster Funky Funk McFunkster. The acting skills exhibited by both gentlemen led to critical acclaim in both "Sucka! Magazine" and "What Willis Was Talking About Quarterly". George and Neal (widely known as collectively as "NeOrge") are currently on their fifty-first draft of the script, "Breakin'! 3: Hips a'Poppin!".

 

In 1955, a small village in Transylvania attempted to assassinate George and Neal for inventing Pig Latin. All attempts were unsuccessful, in part because George and Neal scared the townsfolk with smoke, mirrors, and a conveniently placed donkey. The myth of George and Neal (known at that time collectively as "Geal") grew and grew, until it transformed into two supernatural stories: (1) the story of Dracula; and (2) the story of John Holmes (for other reasons that the facts stated above. Let's just say some of the townsfolk really, really like Geal.)

 

In 1992, when they were prime witnesses in the trial of Chicago's Polish Mafia boss Mogul Downhillski, George and Neal entered witness protection where they were relocated to Idaho and given false names. They lived there for three years before they once again became key witnesses in a criminal case, this time against the eco-terrorist group "Bombing for Bushes". In a strange twist of fate, George and Neal (now known as Sven Jorgenson and Paco Lopez) were again put into witness protection. This time they were relocated to Champaign, IL and, ironically, given the names George Jaros and Neal Simon, although George was now Neal and Neal was now George. In 2001 they again became key witnesses, but this time in separate events. George (really Neal) was to testify against celebrity gangster D-pak Choppa in his murder trial of fellow thug and rapper Jarjar FallSwell. Neal (really George) was considered the expert witness, and the prosecution's slam dunk testimony, in the case of Reticulitermes virginicus vs X-Vermin-X Corporation due to the years he spent secluded in the deep wilderness studying and becoming a part of subterranean termite society. He was at one time knows as the Jane Goodall of termites. Anyway, in a very strange twist of fate, George (really George) was sent into Witness Protection in DeKalb and given the name George Jaros. Neal (really Neal) was sent into witness protection in Chicago the same year and given the name Neal Simon. Unfortunately, due to the secretive nature of witness protection, they were unable to reveal their past identities, resulting in this confusing mess. It all worked out in the end though, and those that might be looking for them are undoubtedly just as confused as everyone else. But please, don't say anything to anyone since this is all supposed to be a secret still. They have currently retired from the business of being key witnesses in criminal cases, since it was becoming too confusing to remember who they were at any given time, especially with all the time travel they do.

 

In 9,996 BCE, Neal and George invented the opposable nose. It wasn't as well received and didn't go on to quite the success as the opposable thumb. However, there is a tribe of people in the central forests of Simushir, known as the Norge, which embraced the opposable nose. Their culture is very interesting and celebrates the gift of the opposable nose bestowed upon them by their ancient deities Egroeg and Laen, two powerful beings that visited their people with magical devices and funny haircuts.

 

For a brief time in 1963, Neal and George became super heroes, using the pseudonym "Captain Gooey" and "The Incredible Taint", respectively. Their foray into costumed adventures was cut short sadly, due to a restraining order (which I am restricted from discussing). Neal and George gained financially, however, as they sued Activision for improper use of their likeness rights, in the bestselling adult themed video game, "Smegman vs. The Overwhelming Taint."

 

For a few years near the end of the 19th century George and Neal organized several bands of outlaws and robbed banks and trains in the old west. We were actually the masterminds behind Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch Gang's Union Pacific train holdup at Wilcox, Wyoming in 1899 and also the James-Younger gang's Kansas Pacific Railroad holdup near Muncie, Kansas, in 1874. They also helped the Newton Boys with their infamous postal train heist in Rondout, Illinois in 1924. George went by the name of "The Whitewash Kid" and Neal took the pseudonym "Kneal S. Iman", yeah real original.

 

Unable to persuade America to convert to the Metric system, in 2087 George and Neal successfully convinced America to abandon their current measuring system in favor of the "Jarmonorgeal" system. Unfortunately, the Jarmonorgeal system did not alleviate mathematical confusion but rather enhanced it considerably. For example, 10 meters were equal to 3 Georges, whereas 20 meters equaled 4.25 Georges, or a "Neal and a Half". You could go from Maine to Louisiana in just 16 Mikes; but 10 Mikes equaled one Adin, and confusingly Earth was only 2 Adin's distance in circumference (although it should be noted that "circumference" was now arbitrarily renamed "Earth's Beer Gut" - which in itself makes no sense). Realizing their (one and only) error, George and Neal decided to travel to Washington D.C. to repeal the law which adopted the Jarmonorgeal measuring system.... except they never made it, as due to a measuring error they accidentally overshot D.C. by a George and three quarters, which meant they ended in Thailand somehow. (Why this measuring system continued to use halves and quarters continued to be a mystery...)

 

After the success of online dating websites such as "Eharmony" and "J-Date" (a social/dating website for Jewish people), George and Neal created their own dating websites, including:

- "Hey-Hey-Hey" Date, the world's largest singles network for those people who like the character Dwayne Clemens Nelson from the now-defunct television sitcom, "What's Happening!!";
- L-Harmony - the singles network for Lepers; and
- Rrhrrrhhhhrrrrrrrgrrhhdate.com, the dating website devoted entirely to newly-turned zombies.

Although each was quite successful for a period of time, only Rrhrrrhhhhrrrrrrrgrrhhdate.com withstood the tests of time. Although Neal and George are not zombies, they occasionally log on time with the site. You can find Neal and George under their respective pseudonyms, "Grauh?" and "Dr. Teeth".

 

For four years (1995 - 1999) George filled in for the Boogie Man while he was on sabbatical. Those exceptionally productive years are affectionately known as "George's Ghastly Spell" by Boogie Man aficionados. Neal spent the same time period impersonating the Tooth Fairy until she finally caught up with him in early 1999 and kicked his ass. Today, Neal is known as the Toothless Fairy among Tooth Fairy aficionados.

 

After a heated debate with his wife where she stated, "Everything is not always about you, George!", George went back in time (just prior to the beginning of that conversation), and invented a ray that temporarily made it so that anything and everything that anyone talked about was all about George. Luckily, the effects wore off, but not without any consequences; there was one side effect - it turns out that prior to that moment, the name George had never existed, and the ray caused people to believe many of their important historical icons were named George. For example, George Washington was originally named "Melvin Washington"; George Takei was (coincidentally) named "Sulu Takei"; and George Jaros was originally "Bagrat Jaros".

 

In 1995, George and Neal published the first ever "Idiots Guide To..." book under the pseudonyms "Astronauts Thomas D. Jones, Ph.D. and Michael Benson", respectively. Unfortunately, it was only after printing 10,000 copies that they realized there was little market for The Idiots Guide To Circumcision. (That there were "full color illustrations" did not improve sales.)

 

With the success of Hasbro's Transformers and G.I. Joe toy lines, rival toy company Tonka sought to create their own action figure toy lines. After achieving limited success with the Gobots, in 1985, Tonka execs approached George and Neal in an effort to cash in on their fame. The toy line was an immediate success, and such figures as "Kung Fu Grip George" and "Nasal Drip Neal" sold like hot cakes.

The toy line made George and Neal oodles of money. George was just happy that now when Neal played with himself in public, it wasn't so controversial.

 

However, other times, George and Neal's time (mis)adventures really benefited world languages. For example, in 1232 Neal invented the letter A and George invented the letter E. Until that time A and E were sometimes replaced with I and U respectively (although they were omitted completely if found at the end of a word and one letter was omitted if they appeared next to another vowel). Thus, George and Neal were known as Gorg and Nil and this chronicle was known as "Th Grind Sig of Gorg und Nil's Idvunturus Through Tim und Spuc (und Pudding)!".

 

The long running television series Doctor Who is loosely based on George and Neal's adventures, except their time machine does not look like a police box (their Rock Smoothie Machine looks more like a port-a-potty), they aren't time lords from another planet (they do have two hearts though - one each), they cause just about as many problems as they solve, they can't regenerate (at least not yet), while they have had a lot of nicknames in the past, The Doctor has never been one of them, they have no fear of becoming a red head, and they are much better looking than The Doctor. They do, however, occasionally take companions on their journeys. But unlike The Doctor, their companions are not random people they stumble into odd situations with. Instead their companions are carefully selected from an applicant pool of interested parties. Once a suitable companion is selected (they must of course be approved by their wives first), only then will the companion be subjected to odd situations. If you are interested in being an applicant please send a head shot, complete contact information, short description of yourself, photograph of your first pet, a 534 word essay on why you think George and Neal are the most incredible humans to exist in any (or all) time, and $163.26 in Canadian to: P.O. Box 75112, Gallifrey Way, New New York, NNY 314159.

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