The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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In 1952 (but chronologically in 1997 during a trip in a time machine they co-invented) George and Neal visited London, resulting in the Great Smog of '52 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Smog_of_1952).

 

65 million years ago George and Neal used their teleportation device to rescue countless dinosaurs from impending doom when a comet was about to crash into the earth. They transported the dinosaurs to a planet known as Gliese 581 d. Over the past 65 million years the dinosaurs evolved into intelligent beings capable of interstellar travel. They have been visiting Earth, researching their distant Earthly descendants (namely birds, crocodiles, and the British) for many years. George and Neal often host members of the Saurian Empire for dinner parties and Scattergories tournaments.

 

On June 8, 793 AD George and Neal orchestrated the first Viking attack on England; the raid on the monastery of Lindisfarne in Northumbria. This was the beginning the Viking Age and nearly 300 years of Viking/English hostility until George and Neal helped the English win the Battle of Stamford Bridge in September of 1066. However we then helped Duke William of Normandy defeat King Harold II in the Battle of Hastings in October and become King William I of England.

 

In 1758 George and Neal invented tooth paste. Their first attempt was made from actual ground up teeth and was used to hold in dentures, but eventually they came up with a recipe for a tooth whitening and cleaning paste. In 1794 George and Neal invented the tooth brush to make applying the paste easier. We originally called it the "Ultra-Mega Teeth Brushing and Cleaning System", but Congress shortened that to "Tooth Brush", considering that most people by that time only had one or two teeth. Unfortunately, due to several obscure laws, the dental hygiene products are still unable to be sold or even used in Britain and Indiana.

 

In 2000 BCE, Neal and George traveled to the English county of Wiltshire to participate in the yearly Feats of Strength!™. George lifted a cow (using his secret muscle enhancing device created, conveniently enough, by Neal and George years earlier, which was actually 1983 thanks to the time machine - don't think too hard about this, it might hurt your head). Not to be outdone, Neal lifted a cow and a boulder (he did not use the muscle enhancer; he's just that awesome). In disgust, George threw a boulder at Neal's head. Neal retaliated by throwing a series of rocks at George. This went back and forth for hours. After Neal and George called a truce - and after the townsfolk ran off in fear of being clocked in the noggin by a large rock - they rested on the piles of rocks they created, now called Stonehenge. Yeah, it happened just like that.

 

In 2007, hoping to cash in and ride on the success of American Idol, but knowing his limitations (such as poor fashion sense, body odor, warbley singing, weird eyebrows, crooked teeth, mismatched nostrils.... [editor's note: many of Neal's failings have been deleted to preserve Facebook's memory/storage]), Neal prompted George to create Vatican Idol, which he would then try out for. As Vatican City is the smallest country in the world by both area and population (pop: 900), Neal was sure to win the title. Or so he thought. Voted "Vatican City's 900th best singer," Neal suffered through the worst of Simon Cowell's caustic remarks, including: "I have seen more talent contained in the bowels of a seven-day-deceased rodent," "I would rather listen to spider-monkeys mating than hear another second of you singing", and "Despite the fact that all you did was sing, I can unequivocally say that you are the worst human being ever to exist on the face of the planet." Ouch. Neal then set his sights on performing in So You Think You Can Dance?. That, too, went poorly. Hopefully he will fare better on George's newest show, So You Think You Can Sit?.

George, on the other hand, began producing hit after hit in the reality programming world, including: The Amazing Standing In Place, Britain's Got Teeth Problems, and The Last Accountant Standing.

 

In 2010, as part of President Obama's Education Recovery Effort, George & Neal's list of accomplishments became mandatory curriculum from 4th grade up. Students are required to pass annual standardized tests in four categories: Historical Events, Businesses and Celebrities, Inventions, and Other Crap. 4th through 6th grade tests each consist of 200 multiple choice questions, 7th and 8th grade is a combination of 250 multiple choice and short answer questions, and high school also includes an essay section. Also all US Citizens are required to complete a 150 question multiple choice test once every four years. Failure to pass the test could result in suspension of your US Citizenship and up to 10 years of living in Britain. So you better start studying now!

 

In 2029, George and Neal decided to tinker with building functional teleportation technology. Unfortunately, it had been years since either Neal or George watched the 1986 Jeff Goldblum film, The Fly, which illuminated the dangers of teleportation. When the first opportunity arose to use the teleportation device, the men fought over who could use it first. George raised the fact that whoever went first had the potential to be a Neal Armstrong-like figure. Neal raised the fact that Neal Armstrong's first name was Neal, and therefore he should go first. It was sound logic. George refused to accept it, however, and flung himself into the device. Neal did the same. The result was catastrophic (and sexy), in which Neal and George's DNA were combined, creating what at least two people believe to be the smartest man in history. This amalgamation dubbed itself "George Neal." Unfortunately, while the teleportation / recombination was occurring, knobs got fiddled accidentally (that's what she said) and George Neal was flung back into the late 1700's. Though possessing great knowledge and incredible oration skills, George Neal had none of the memories of George or Neal. George Neal believed himself to be the son of a Scottish Highlander who set up permanent residence in South Carolina. For reasons unknown, George Neal chose to stay loyal to the British during the War of Independence. George Neal distinguished himself during the war, even being promoted to Major. He later became an explorer, exploring the north shore of Lake Erie by boat. Ultimately, after leaving America, Major Neal became Canada's first saddlebag preacher for the Methodist church.

Major Neal married, had a daughter Esther, and purchased 200 acres in the Port Rowan Long Point area at Cope's Landing, Ontario. On February 27, 1840, while his granddaughter was reading scripture to him, Major George Neal was hit on the head with an errant pineapple. How the pineapple found its way to Canada remains a mystery. In any event, the noggin clockin' caused the amnesia to disappear and both George and Neal's memories overwhelmed Major Neal.

Missing his/their respective families (and vowing he/they would never tell them about his/their wife, children, grandchildren, and Canadian property ownership), Major Neal faked his/their death the very next day. It was easy back then. He/they just said, "I'm dying" closed his eyes, and held his/their breath. When no one was looking, he/they built a rudimentary time machine out of twigs, berries, and of course, rocks and put it in his/their pocket. After his/their burial, he/they activated the time machine, traveling back to 2029. He/they reverse-engineered their DNA joining (did I mention, ewww?), thereby finally separating George and Neal. There were little long-term physical ramifications, other than Neal smelling like George (egg drop soup) and George smelling like neal (feet, soaked in egg drop soup). Like everything else in this chronology, the events were entirely true. As proof, one need only to visit the Neal Memorial Methodist Church in Port Rowan, Ontario (which was established in September 1912 by George Neal's grandson, Rev. George Neal Hazen, and which still remains to honor "Canada's First Saddlebag Preacher"). One could also read more about these events at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Neal.

 

In 1921 George and Neal began the daunting task of teaching porcupines to fly. It was long, arduous, painful work, and after twelve long years they gave up. But with the rise of Nazi Germany there came a renewed interest in flying porcupines, or Fliegendes Stachelschwein as the Germans called them. So in 1939 George and Neal were asked to head a porcupine flight research and development project for the United States, United Kingdom, and Canada. The goal of the Long Island Ice Tea Project (so named because the Manhattan was already taken) was to develop oversized, flying porcupines before German scientists could succeed with their own Fliegendes Stachelschwein program. The top secret program had research facilities located in several areas of the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom, including the secret Oak Ridge Elementary Flight Facility in Palos Hills, Illinois, the "Zorro" Test Facility in Los Alamos, California, and the Solochevy Research Facility in Poortown, Isle of Man, United Kingdom. The first porcupine test flights were conducted near Big Cottonwood Canyon in Utah, with the first experimental quill deployment taking place at the Forest of Argonne in France (the French didn't mind having a few more little pricks). The project proved to be a success and, although it is not well documented, starting in January and continuing into the spring of 1945, Allied forces sent wave after wave of highly trained flying porcupines behind Axis lines. After the deep penetration (that's what she said) of millions of barbed quills falling from the sky, Germany surrendered on April 29th. Ironically, the Bedingungslose Kapitulation der Wehrmacht (German Instrument of Surrender) was signed on May 7th with a pen constructed from a porcupine quill.

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