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Samhain and Zarathosht Diso

Views: 187/1509
Added: 02/12/2009

A second attempt to unite the religious holidays of Samhain and Zarathosht Diso was equally disastrous since neither of them was Wiccan or Zoroastrian.

 

Samhain and Zarathosht Diso - Venn diagrams are always helpful.

Venn diagrams are always helpful.

Photo by: Neal

Tags: failures(22) holidays(8) mashups(12) religion(11) wicca(1) zoroastrianism(1)
Names Mentioned: samhain(1) zarathosht diso(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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Tooth-whitening Toothpaste

Views: 201/3437
Added: 02/12/2009

George and Neal hit great fame in the late '80s after successfully marketing a tooth-whitening toothpaste. However, when it was discovered that the "paste" was merely the inside of a Twinkie®, sales plummeted, except in Europe.

Tags: 1980s(7) business ventures(44) europe(4) failures(22) toothpaste(4)
Names Mentioned: twinkies(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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We Help You Help Yourself - Self Help Clinic

Views: 410/4423
Added: 02/13/2009

In 2005, George and Neal founded the "We Help You Help Yourself - Self Help Clinic". It is unknown at this time whether the Clinic was a whopping success or an utter failure, as George and Neal never unlocked the doors to the clinic, assuming those who needed the help would find it themselves.

Tags: business ventures(44) failures(22)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Science Donations

Views: 387/3834
Added: 02/18/2009

In 1999, Neal tried to give his body to science. After 30 days, his body was returned as being defective.

Tags: 1999(3) body parts(14) failures(22) neal funk(18) science(28)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Who Wants to Be a Hundred-Aire

Views: 186/2583
Added: 03/15/2009

In 2006, Neal appeared on the television spin off, "Who Wants to Be a Hundred-Aire". Neal did not win the hundred dollars.

Tags: 2006(2) failures(22) games(15) tv shows(48)
Names Mentioned: who wants to be a millionaire(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Views: 159/5050
Added: 03/16/2009

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, nothing happened because Star Wars was just a story made up by George Lucas (although the plot was loosely based on George and Neal's adventures with a similar all-encompassing power called the Farce). However, last week in this galaxy George and Neal were lost and trying to figure out a way to get back to the Milky Way. Their GPS unit was on the fritz and told them they were in the Pegasus galaxy even though they were actually in Stickney, Illinois. It was an understandable mistake.

Tags: failures(22) inspirations(19) journey(6) movies(40) star wars(7)
Names Mentioned: illinois(3) milky way galaxy(1) pegasus galaxy(1) star wars(6) stargate(2) stickney(1)
Entry Logged By: George

 
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Slap-Bracelets: The Origin

Views: 166/3524
Added: 03/26/2009

In the mid-1990s, in an effort to assist law enforcement, Neal and George created a new lightweight, easy to use handcuff. To the shock and frustration of law enforcement across the nation, these new handcuffs were easily removable. As a result, hundreds of criminals roamed free because of Neal and George's invention. In an effort to turn lemons into lemonade, George and Neal renamed them Slap-Bracelets, and made millions because junior high kids loved them (almost as much as the criminals).

Tags: 1990s(3) crimes & scams(16) failures(22) inventions(48) origin(24) success!(13)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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The Neo-Geo Fanclub

Views: 176/4786
Added: 04/03/2009

In an effort to find a way to accurately predict the weather, Neal and George devised a weather-prediction machine, which was comprised of a series of pulleys and levers connected to highly explosive nitroglycerin. This invention did nothing - except result in Neal and George both losing their eyebrows for a month. The invention was considered a failure by most of George and Neal's fans (who collectively form the fanclub Neo-Geo, not to be confused with the failed 1990s gaming system of the same name). It is considered a failure both as a result of the inventors' lack of foresight, as well as the fact that as of 2005 (when they did their experiment), accurate weather forecasting had existed for hundreds of years.

 

The Neo-Geo Fanclub - Above: Hardware entirely unrelated to the Neo-Geo fan club. Well, unless if there is another fan club of the same name which is not devoted entirely to the accomplishments of George and Neal, but rather to celebrate a failed gaming console. In that case, disregard this comment, at least as it relates to that club.

Above: Hardware entirely unrelated to the Neo-Geo fan club. Well, unless if there is another fan club of the same name which is not devoted entirely to the accomplishments of George and Neal, but rather to celebrate a failed gaming console. In that case, disregard this comment, at least as it relates to that club.

Photo by: Neal

Tags: 1990s(3) 2005(2) failures(22) hair(11) inventions(48) organizations(15) video games(12) weather(7)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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HeadPeriodical

Views: 165/4349
Added: 05/27/2009

In an effort to compete with Facebook, during 2011, Neal and George created the newest online community, HeadPeriodical. Seen by most as a cheap rip-off and inferior to FB, the website was largely dismissed. Their advertising campaign, "Because Your Grandma Thinks You're Cool" made little sense and did little to help.

Tags: 2011(8) business ventures(44) facebook(10) failures(22) publications(14) websites(7)
Names Mentioned: facebook(9)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Vatican Idol and Spin-offs

Views: 194/9459
Added: 06/02/2009

In 2007, hoping to cash in and ride on the success of American Idol, but knowing his limitations (such as poor fashion sense, body odor, warbley singing, weird eyebrows, crooked teeth, mismatched nostrils.... [editor's note: many of Neal's failings have been deleted to preserve Facebook's memory/storage]), Neal prompted George to create Vatican Idol, which he would then try out for. As Vatican City is the smallest country in the world by both area and population (pop: 900), Neal was sure to win the title. Or so he thought. Voted "Vatican City's 900th best singer," Neal suffered through the worst of Simon Cowell's caustic remarks, including: "I have seen more talent contained in the bowels of a seven-day-deceased rodent," "I would rather listen to spider-monkeys mating than hear another second of you singing", and "Despite the fact that all you did was sing, I can unequivocally say that you are the worst human being ever to exist on the face of the planet." Ouch. Neal then set his sights on performing in So You Think You Can Dance?. That, too, went poorly. Hopefully he will fare better on George's newest show, So You Think You Can Sit?.

 

Vatican Idol and Spin-offs - So tense... So exciting... Can you stay in your seat?

So tense... So exciting... Can you stay in your seat?

Photo by: Neal

George, on the other hand, began producing hit after hit in the reality programming world, including: The Amazing Standing In Place, Britain's Got Teeth Problems, and The Last Accountant Standing.

 

Britain's Got Teeth Problems - Stereotypes have never seemed so fun!

Stereotypes have never seemed so fun!

Photo by: Neal

 

The Last Accountant Standing - File this... under awesome!

File this... under awesome!

Photo by: Neal

Tags: 2007(2) britain(9) celebrities(69) failures(22) neal funk(18) neal's fashion sense(20) tv shows(48)
Names Mentioned: amazing race(1) american idol(1) bbc(1) bet(1) britain's got talent(1) fox(2) last comic standing(1) simon cowell(1) so you think you can dance(2) vatican(3)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (3)

 
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Marshmonica as Endorsed by John Popper

Views: 385/5710
Added: 06/03/2009

Dateline, 2058: In an effort to feed as well as entertain the homeless, George and Neal invented the first edible harmonica. Much to George's dismay, the harmonica, comprised of marshmallows, candy canes, and prunes (monikered "Marshmonica") was criticized as the world's worst food - both in taste and in nutrition, but got rave reviews by harmonica virtuoso John Popper who purchased them in bulk. George's later edible instruments, including the hamburchordian, cheeseborine, Jaguanstophone, and pizziano were even less successful. Although the Tubagna, a combo tuba/lasagna creation, was in the works, and showed great promise, George and Neal abandoned the project altogether, when the homeless actually banded together and offered to pay them to stop.

Tags: 2058(2) celebrities(69) failures(22) food(45) jaguanst(8) mashups(12) music(26)
Names Mentioned: dateline(2) john popper(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Team Ghandi

Views: 165/4718
Added: 06/29/2009

In 1972, not satisfied with only two teams, Neal and George created Chicago's third major league baseball team, Team Ghandi. Unfortunately, the team never won a single game, as instead of hitting the ball, the players tried to reason with it through non-violent means. After George and Neal lost over ten million dollars on the venture, they went back in time and prevented themselves from ever investing in such a project ever again.

 

Team Ghandi - We requested "G"'s on our jerseys... but it wasn't worth the fight.

We requested "G"'s on our jerseys... but it wasn't worth the fight.

Photo by: Neal

Tags: 1972(3) chicago(10) failures(22) people of history(33) sports(23)
Names Mentioned: chicago(14) ghandi(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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Vintage Escher Architecture - For Rent

Views: 146/6277
Added: 08/11/2009

Speaking of M.C. Escher, in 1955, George and Neal once rented an apartment from him. On the plus side, the rent was very low for such a roomy place. The downside? All the faceless people. Very creepy. Also, the conflicting laws of gravity made going to the bathroom very, very complicated and often times messy.

 

Vintage Escher Architecture - For Rent - Reason #85 why neither George nor Neal will win "Father of the Year": telling their children the bathroom is downstairs.

Reason #85 why neither George nor Neal will win "Father of the Year": telling their children the bathroom is downstairs.

Photo by: Neal

Tags: 1955(2) art is art(10) celebrities(69) failures(22)
Names Mentioned: m c escher(2)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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1945, Tigers/Cubs, Game 4 of the World Series

Views: 210/9584
Added: 08/15/2009

In 1945, George and Neal decided to go to a Tigers/Cubs game - fatefully, it was Game 4 of the World Series. During the game, George complained of a strange odor. After a few innings, George became so upset by the noxious smell, he complained to P.K. Wrigley, who located a nearby patron who was attending the game with his billy goat. After asking the patron (Billy Goat Tavern owner Billy Sianis) to leave because his pet goat's odor was bothering other fans, Sianis became outraged and declared, "Them Cubs, they aren't gonna win no more," which has been interpreted to mean that there would never be another World Series game played at Wrigley Field. It has also been said by many that Sianis put a "curse" on the Cubs; if so, it was incredibly effective as the Cubs have not won a single World Series since then. (Later that evening, George located the odor, and it wasn't the goat. It was Neal. Whoops.)

While we're on the topic of the Cubs, George and Neal felt so badly for having caused a curse that led to the downfall of the Cubs Dynasty, they vowed to do all that they could to break the curse (ok, they didn't feel too bad, but the Cubs were the only baseball team they could afford to try out their awesome plan). That's why in 2020, George and Neal populated the entire Cubs team with many versions of themselves taken from different timelines. The Neals and Georges trained for many months, to get in peak physical condition. Given George and Neal's skills (including their self-professed and much doubted sexual prowess), the people of Chicago, nay, the world, were filled with hope and excitement. People also thought Waterworld and the Postman would be good movies. People are idiots. George and Neal's first game resulted in the injuries of numerous Georges and Neals, and a score of 75-1. (They got one run during the inning that the pitcher kept beaming them in the head for fun.) Consequently, that was the first and last game George and Neal ever played as Cubs. The next day the owners (who happened to be the real Neal and George for that time) fired all the other Neals and Georges and rehired all the original players. Interestingly enough, that devastating loss was not the Cubs' worst defeat. They lost by bigger margins three more times that season despite Neal and George no longer playing. Chalk it up to bad managing (the George and Neal managers were fired at the end of the season).

 

Even We Couldn't Help the Cubs - Above: the most handsome baseball team ever. They were known as the "Lovable, handsome, amazingly bodacious losers."

Above: the most handsome baseball team ever. They were known as the "Lovable, handsome, amazingly bodacious losers."

Photo by: Neal

Tags: 1945(2) 2020(2) chicago(10) cubs(2) failures(22) george's fashion sense(12) historic events(18) neal funk(18) neal's fashion sense(20) oops(16) sports(23)
Names Mentioned: billy goat tavern(1) billy sianis(1) chicago(14) chicago cubs(2) detroit tigers(1) p k wrigley(1) the postman(1) waterworld(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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The George and Neal Newsnetwork

Views: 115/6248
Added: 08/20/2009

In 2040, Neal and George created a television news program devoted solely to chronicling their (mis)adventures, called the George and Neal Newsnetwork (or "GNN"). GNN hit an all-time high Nielsen rating during Neal's cooking show with Martha Stewart (see above). The ratings peak? - 4 viewers. Thanks to George and Neal's moms! (The lowest ratings valley? The week-long "All Nude Review", where viewership dipped by 4.)

 

The George and Neal Newsnetwork - For all of your news and adult entertainment needs.

For all of your news and adult entertainment needs.

Photo by: Neal

Tags: 2040(4) celebrities(69) failures(22) scantily clad people(15) tv shows(48) xxx(11)
Names Mentioned: cnn(2)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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Metric Woes

Views: 122/5128
Added: 09/02/2009

Unable to persuade America to convert to the Metric system, in 2087 George and Neal successfully convinced America to abandon their current measuring system in favor of the "Jarmonorgeal" system. Unfortunately, the Jarmonorgeal system did not alleviate mathematical confusion but rather enhanced it considerably. For example, 10 meters were equal to 3 Georges, whereas 20 meters equaled 4.25 Georges, or a "Neal and a Half". You could go from Maine to Louisiana in just 16 Mikes; but 10 Mikes equaled one Adin, and confusingly Earth was only 2 Adin's distance in circumference (although it should be noted that "circumference" was now arbitrarily renamed "Earth's Beer Gut" - which in itself makes no sense). Realizing their (one and only) error, George and Neal decided to travel to Washington D.C. to repeal the law which adopted the Jarmonorgeal measuring system.... except they never made it, as due to a measuring error they accidentally overshot D.C. by a George and three quarters, which meant they ended in Thailand somehow. (Why this measuring system continued to use halves and quarters continued to be a mystery...)

Tags: 2087(1) failures(22) inventions(48) laws(10) nicknames(14) offspring(13)
Names Mentioned: america(8) louisiana(1) maine(1) thailand(1) washington d c(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Get $245 Free (maybe)

Views: 126/3932
Added: 09/04/2009

In 1989 George and Neal were instrumental in the launch of the new chocolate DOVE Promises. Each wrapper featured an inspirational promise. Unfortunately the promises turned out to be big lies and the launch was a huge failure. I guess we shouldn't have had sayings like "Of course I'll call you tomorrow." or "No dear, that outfit does not make you look fat, I swear!" and "I will not raise taxes if I'm elected." DOVE canned us and two years later launched their successful line of chocolate Promises. We're now writing exclusively for the American Meteorological Society.

 

Get $245 Free (maybe) - Seriously. Send our adventures to all your friends. You'll either get the $245 or have fewer friends, we make no promises (oh, wait, that was the whole problem...)

Seriously. Send our adventures to all your friends. You'll either get the $245 or have fewer friends, we make no promises (oh, wait, that was the whole problem...)

Photo by: George

Tags: 1989(3) business ventures(44) failures(22) food(45) weather(7)
Names Mentioned: american meteorological society(1) dove chocolate(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)

 
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Hawking's melodious robotic voice... Ahhh....

Views: 193/7287
Added: 09/06/2009

In 2036, tired of attempting to potty train their many, many children (combined, George and Neal sired 664 children, thanks to their wives, who have been cloned many times over as George and Neal can't seem to get enough of them), George and Neal gathered the best and brightest scientific minds (read: just the two of them - oh, and they also included Stephen Hawking, not because he's as smart as Neal and George (he's not), but rather because they liked hearing Hawking's melodious robotic voice). The goal: discover a way to eliminate the need to potty train children. Two hours later, the solution was discovered. George and Neal combined the awesome, near-supernatural powers of duct tape and children's pottys, and revealed their newest invention, the "Toilet Tush Taper" (aka "Poop Cubed") to the world. (((Patent (and significantly better name) pending.))) This invention did not sell well, though, after someone realized that the "invention" of taping a toilet to a child's touchas was really the same thing as a diaper. A much heavier, messier, terrible diaper. Red Green was impressed at the ingenious use of duct tape though.

Tags: 2036(2) celebrities(69) failures(22) inventions(48) offspring(13) poop(7) science(28) wives(15)
Names Mentioned: red green(1) stephen hawking(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Couch Potatoes Illustrated

Views: 144/3520
Added: 12/10/2009

Hearing about the steep decline in readers for magazines such as Sports Illustrated and Men's Health, George and Neal decided to start their own magazine to capture those increasingly less-active readers. In December, 2009, George and Neal started their own magazine, Couch Potatoes Illustrated. With articles such as "How to Increase Your Lazy Boy Butt Imprint," "Which Brand of Doritos is Right For You" and "20 Ways to Please Your...Self", demand for the magazine was high. Unfortunately, none of the would-be subscribers had enough energy to purchase the magazine, resulting in cancellation after one issue.

Tags: 2009(21) business ventures(44) failures(22) publications(14) slacking and being lazy are hard work(9)
Names Mentioned: doritos(1) sports illustrated(2)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Luckily for cats, this was a very short period.

Views: 150/5327
Added: 02/11/2013

During the brief period where George and Neal were not awesome (see www.george-and-neal-are-not-awesome.info), they invented Cat Baseball. It... did not end well.

 

Luckily for cats, this was a very short period. - Gerbil Football proved much more popular.

Gerbil Football proved much more popular.

Photo by: Neal

Tags: baseball(1) cats(8) cute(2) failures(22) sports(23) websites(7)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

 
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It Hood Ats Fla Was

Views: 215/5610
Added: 02/12/2013

In 2014, George decided that he could make a better dictation-to-text program than what was currently available (such as Dragon Dictation and Apple's Siri). Although the program was widely adopted as a result of George and Neal's popularity, it was known to haven moony problems and bigs. Still, Kneel and Gorge refused to stop us and it.

Tags: 2014(7) failures(22) in good company(6) inventions(48) languages(11)
Names Mentioned: apple computer corporation(3) dragon naturally speaking(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal

 
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Joy to Everyone!

Views: 192/6079
Added: 10/01/2013

In 2019 George and Neal made a fortune by selling Christmas snow globes. It was all an accident, really. We thought we had this great idea to make Christmas snow globes that featured a nativity scene and played "Joy to the World" while the snow swirled around baby Jesus and the animals. But when our Chinese manufacturer shipped the snow globes to us everything was perfect (well, baby Jesus was replaced by a frog, but hey, whatever sells), until the music started with "Jeremiah was a bullfrog!". But they sold really, really well! Even better than our "Oh Holy Night" whoopee cushions.

 

Joy to Everyone! - It was an honest mistake since the snow globe doubled as a wine stopper and came with a bottle of Three Dog's Mighty Fine wine.

It was an honest mistake since the snow globe doubled as a wine stopper and came with a bottle of Three Dog's Mighty Fine wine.

Photo by: George

Tags: 2019(3) animals(16) business ventures(44) chart topping(4) christian(8) economy(8) failures(22) great music(4) holidays(8) hot tunes(2) oops(16) religion(11) rock stars(3) success!(13)
Names Mentioned: three dog night(1)
Entry Logged By: George - Photos by: George (1)



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