The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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Also in 2009, Neal's manhood became sentient and demanded to secede from his body. It was thought, (only by George, known by the rest of the world) that this was the result of Neal's long time habit of wussing out and doing things the girly way. In Neal's warped reality, Neal was so manly, that his manhood felt no need to continue being a part of Neal, as Neal would continue to be manly enough and could and would grow another one at will. The manhood's theme song during its secession campaign was a humorous '90s hit by the band King Missile. Years later, Neal's manhood started a website (www.nealsimonsmanhood.com), which met with some success - but likely only because people thought it was a website hosting pictures of the author/playwright who wrote "The Odd Couple", "Biloxi Blues", and "Lost in Yonkers". Initially, the website was not like that at all. Over time, however...

 

In 1997 both Neal and George had major back surgery after carrying one too many bathtubs full of caffeinated, carbonated, goodness. For any normal human beings this would have been a major setback, but Neal and George used the opportunity to have their spines replaced with naquadah powered fusion reactors. Their new spines allow them to perform unimaginable feats of strength, travel at incredible rates of speed, and communicate with ungulates. But don't ask them to, they're not proud of the side effects.

 

In 1999, Neal tried to give his body to science. After 30 days, his body was returned as being defective.

 

In 10,000 BCE, Neal and George invented the opposable thumb. In secret documents, Darwin acknowledged this fact, and renounced his natural selection theory. Confusingly, the Vatican has suppressed this information for generations.

 

In 9,996 BCE, Neal and George invented the opposable nose. It wasn't as well received and didn't go on to quite the success as the opposable thumb. However, there is a tribe of people in the central forests of Simushir, known as the Norge, which embraced the opposable nose. Their culture is very interesting and celebrates the gift of the opposable nose bestowed upon them by their ancient deities Egroeg and Laen, two powerful beings that visited their people with magical devices and funny haircuts.

 

In 1951, George and Neal decided to make a line of "Love Aid Rings" to sell to the public. Neal designed them based upon his own body, which he felt was of average proportion and size. People were not ready for such a product back in the 50's. That's okay, because they made a fortune after connecting the two ends to form a large hoop and re-marketing the product as the "hula hoop".

 

In 1758 George and Neal invented tooth paste. Their first attempt was made from actual ground up teeth and was used to hold in dentures, but eventually they came up with a recipe for a tooth whitening and cleaning paste. In 1794 George and Neal invented the tooth brush to make applying the paste easier. We originally called it the "Ultra-Mega Teeth Brushing and Cleaning System", but Congress shortened that to "Tooth Brush", considering that most people by that time only had one or two teeth. Unfortunately, due to several obscure laws, the dental hygiene products are still unable to be sold or even used in Britain and Indiana.

 

In 2000 BCE, Neal and George traveled to the English county of Wiltshire to participate in the yearly Feats of Strength!™. George lifted a cow (using his secret muscle enhancing device created, conveniently enough, by Neal and George years earlier, which was actually 1983 thanks to the time machine - don't think too hard about this, it might hurt your head). Not to be outdone, Neal lifted a cow and a boulder (he did not use the muscle enhancer; he's just that awesome). In disgust, George threw a boulder at Neal's head. Neal retaliated by throwing a series of rocks at George. This went back and forth for hours. After Neal and George called a truce - and after the townsfolk ran off in fear of being clocked in the noggin by a large rock - they rested on the piles of rocks they created, now called Stonehenge. Yeah, it happened just like that.

 

In 2009, Neal suffered such a massive case of writer's block that his brain literally tried to leave his body by jumping out of his nose. This escape attempt did not work, as Neal's brain got stuck somewhere in his nasal cavity, causing Neal's nose to swell up like a big red balloon. Ever the helpful friend, George took Neal back in time (circa 1938) to a special doctor that he heard could help - Dr. Robert L. May. Unfortunately, Dr. May had been down on his luck financially, and after assisting Neal, the good doctor decided to profit from the situation by writing the story, "Neal, the Red Nosed Ignoramus". Later drafts altered the story such that Neal was a Reindeer named Rudolph. The remainder of the story continued to be a surprisingly accurate account of what happened to Neal that year.

 

In 1990, George began producing Martha Stewart's new cooking show, "Cookin' with Martha and Neal". The show ran for two very successful seasons; however, relations between Martha and Neal became strained, resulting in an on-air, climactic and violent fight between the two. Neal did not count on Martha's extremely long reach and proficiency with kitchen knives, and as a result he suffered greatly.

Thankfully, George managed to bring Neal's corpse to the year 2050, where Neal was resuscitated. As a practical joke, George had Neal's testicles enlarged 500% and moved to his back. Surprisingly, Neal liked the new look, and his coinpurse remains unreasonably gigantic and misplaced to this day.

 

In 1988, George and Neal created cats and dogs with opposable thumbs and above-average intellects. Everyone was thrilled with the evolutionary jump - well, everyone except Bob Barker, who received copious amounts of angry letters from the critters. George and Neal's favorites include: "Hey Bob Barker - Screw you! Love, Cats & Dogs"; "Bob, I miss my testicles, you jerk! - Fido" and "Barker, YOUR balls are MINE!" Many animal activists have sided with the animals, calling for Bob Barker to be neutered. Gerbils, parakeets, and a number of other household pets have refused to take sides.

 

In 1987, Neal organized a one-man a protest against Dial Corporation, demanding that they move their headquarters back to Chicago. Neal's rage was initiated by the split with Greyhound Lines (yes, the bus company - he really likes vehicles named after fast, skinny animals) and in anger he decided to boycott Dial soap and protest. Some people suggested he just follow Greyhound Lines, but his fear of Texas prevented him from heading to Dallas. So for 3 months Neal danced outside Dial Corporation's new headquarters in Phoenix, Arizona. While Neal's protest didn't garner any attention from either Dial Corporation or Greyhound Lines, it did inspire the title for Eleanor Bergstein's screenplay (up to then titled "A Corner for Baby"). "Dirty Dancing" became a huge hit, and Neal never received the credit for his inspiration. Surprisingly, George played the role of muse for part of the movie, too. John DeNicola and Franke Previte were inspired to write the song "Hungry Eyes" after meeting George shortly after a short circuit caused the teleportation device to erroneously reconstruct George with extra mouths where his eyes should have been (fortunately his eyes were relocated to his extra tongues, so he could see and scream at the same time).

 

In 4539 George and Neal decided to dabble in alchemy and turned themselves into golden statues. Luckily the effects were only temporary and by 5935 they were restored to their normal selves. Except for their spleens, which went on to have songs and limericks written about them, like "There once was a spleen I've been told, Around for so long it was old, This spleen could not rupture, For its atomic structure, Had been changed from carbon to gold."

 

In 1960 Neal invented the precursor to the lava lamp, affectionately called the 'Squeegee Glow Blob Light'. However in 1963 British accountant Edward Craven-Walker stole Neal's idea. Craven-Walker's variation was much more successful and in 1968 he was awarded a patent for his design, something denied Neal because Craven-Walker's lamps used a combination of mineral oil, paraffin wax, and carbon tetrachloride instead of Neal's disturbingly un-hygenic formula of sebum, ear wax, and pus. Someday we'll tell you about how George had the original idea for the Squirmle Magic Pet Worm, but we'll let you recover from the lava lamp thing first.

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