The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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'2012' Tagged Entries

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In a landmark, decade long study that George and Neal published the results of in 2012, it was discovered that the biggest cause of global warming was actually the consumption of carbonated beverages. Every can or bottle of jaguanst (that's soda or pop to you unenlightened ones) consumed by the world's population releases a small amount of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. All that fizz really adds up. As a result of the study world governments immediately banned all carbonated beverages, resulting in dramatic reductions in CO2 emissions around the globe. Subsequently, the drastic cooling effect caused the beginning of the next ice age by 2015.

 

In 2012 George and Neal recorded an album of cover songs, except instead of the actual lyrics we sang the lyrics that everyone thinks the original artists were singing. Neal's rendition of Jimmi Hendrix's Purple Haze was an instant hit ('Scuse me while I kiss this guy) while George's version of CCR's Bad Moon Risin' (There's a bathroom on the right) became the theme song for Larry Craig's 2012 presidential campaign. Other songs on the album included:
- Queen's Bohemian Raphsody (Scallaboosh, Scallaboosh, will you do the banned tango... and ...The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeeeeee....)
- Led Zepplin's Stairway To Heaven (And there's a wino down the road)
- Nirvana's All Apologies (Smoking on the ashes of your Aunt Louise)
- The Sound of Music's So Long, Farewell (So long, farewell, our feet are saying good-bye)
- Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box (Hey, Wayne, I've got a new Cobain)
- Elvis's Are you Lonesome Tonight (Are you loathsome tonight? Do you mince meat....)
- The Beatles' Ticket to Ride (She's got a chicken to ride.)
- REM's The One I Love (This one goes out to the one-eyed dove.)
- Judy Garland's Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Where Tribbles smell like lemon drops)
- Madonna's Material Girl (I'm a Cheerio girl)
- Frank Sinatra's Strangers in the Night (Strangers and your wife, exchanging glances...)
- NIN's Closer (I want a duck shaped like a triangle, You give a toaster to Bob)
- Simon and Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water (Like a bridge over a tub of water)
- Glen Miller's Chattanooga Choo Choo (Pardon me boys, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?)

 

By 2012 NBC was having trouble finding people for its hit show "America's Got Talent". So they created a sequel, which George and Neal tried out for in 2013. Unfortunately they didn't make it past the first round of voting in "America's Run Out of Talent".

 

On December 20, 2012 George and Neal discovered that the world was not in fact ending, according to previous beliefs based on the Mayan calendar. Rather, all that was needed was to turn the calendar upside down and it would work for another 5126 years; kind of like a giant hourglass, but heavier.

 

In 2012, after being told about many of George and Neal's great exploits, Neal's son Adin asked if he could be a part of their future escapades and adventures. George and Neal were readily willing to include him in their time-travel and general awesomeness, but after reading "Hercules and the Twelve Labors," Adin was deterimined to prove himself worthy of their greatness. Similar to Hercules cleaning the Augean stables in a single day. Adin was determined to clean Neal's room in a single day. Then it became a week. Then a month.... Thankfully, Adin used the time machine over and over so he was able to do the entire month of cleaning in a single day. Adin then traveled to the year 2080, and worked towards domesticating sharks. Sharks proved so popular a pet that they replaced dogs. Mainly by eating them.

Then, similar to Hercules capturing and bringing back Cerberus, Adin traveled to 3087, captured a zombie, and brought him back to 2012. Contrary to popular belief, Zombies can be domesticated. Already knowledgeable about the task of domestication after the Shark Task, Adin befriended the Zombie, lovingly known as "Mrrrggghghh". Adin brought him everywhere. It made for many awkward social situations.

 

In 2012 George and Neal began marketing their line of 2012 Advent Calendars. They were inspired by the Mayan calendar, so they only went up to the 21st of December.

 

In August 2012, Clint Eastwood was thought to have embarrassed himself at the Republican National Convention by pretending to argue with an invisible President Obama, when in actuality he was merely talking with an empty chair. Most of the world cut him some slack when they realized that not six months earlier, Eastwood participated in the famous "Eastwood / Invisible Neal" debates, ironically emceed by a very visible Obama. You couldn't blame the guy for later getting slightly confused.

 

In 2012, George's sons Sam and Mike wondered if they had the potential to be as amazing as their dad and his friend Neal. Sam wanted to learn to make pottery. So George signed him up for the Fall 1987 pottery classes at Sunny Caverns Park District (because the cost of pottery classes was cheaper back then). Sam proved to be an incredible talent and made some very life-like works out of clay. His finest moment came when he sculpted a very realistic baby duckling!

George's other son, Mike, entered the 2012 Olympics and took 1st place in the 100 meter dash, beating Usain Bolt by two whole strides! George was very proud that the boys got their looks from their mom, but inherited his ability to amaze.

 

In 3014, feeling melancholy as a result of a worldwide illness that removed the human eye's ability to detect a significant amount of electromagnetic radiation on the visible spectrum (the R and the G were notably absent, leaving only the B - which as an aside contributed to Van Gogh's Blue period after he traveled with Neal and George to -- eh, that's a story for another time), George and Neal decided to brighten up the world's mood by releasing board games based on popular movies. The games were a big hit, as the people of 3014 were very nostalgic towards movies that were made between 1975 and 2012. In retrospect, the games were complete nonsense, with rules from 20+ other games sloppily cobbled together. None of them made any sense. Therefore, Michael Bay Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr's grandson rushed to option the rights to make them into movies.

The popularity of the games reached such great heights that, in thanks and gratitude, others created games based upon the life of George and Neal. The game was so complicated due to the frequent time traveling and history altering events, that it caused 95% of the people attempting to play to lose their sanity. The remaining 5% had little sanity to begin with, so...

 

This wasn't the first time that George and Neal had a monumental impact on the mathematical world. In 2012, while bored one weekend, they decided to become experts in astrophysics, physics, and a host of other scientific topics. Along the way, they learned that each day was calculated to be one second longer than it really was. Neal and George discovered that consequently all calendars were off by 8.5 days. This explains why, when they went back to celebrate the 2011 New Year with themselves, they wound up traveling to January 9 (and a half). Though bummed they couldn't ring in the New Year (again) with themselves, on the positive side at least they were able to attend the Southern Sudan referendum on independence, where the Sudanese electorate voted in favor of independence, paving the way for the creation of the new state in July. History came alive, boy howdy!

 

In September 2012 George took a short break from time travelling, changing history, and altering the laws of physics to spend some more time with his family. On September 3rd he showed the boys how to distort spacial dimensions to grow and shrink at will. On the 8th they learned about monarch butterflies and how Neal taught them to fly from Canada to Mexico. And on September 9th George and his boys had fun flying hipsters in the park. It was a fun filled week!

 

Tired of caring for three children (yes, George, that includes you), Julie recruited Clarissa to go on a time traveling "ladies only" vacation. While the women were gone, George and Neal successfully fended for themselves and the kids, subsisting on a diet of ramen noodles and old fritos they found in couch cushions. Though neither George nor Neal nor the children changed their clothes during the entire time Clarissa and Julie were gone (7 days or 4,000 years depending on how you view time travel), the capable fathers made a game of it. Adin won 1st prize in "Who's That Smell?", an amateur game that George and Neal made up (which they later sold to the CNN network in 3014 - as at that time CNN ceased being a news network and reformed as a pornography / sitcom network). Meanwhile, Clarissa and Julie traveled to Ancient Greece, because Clarissa loves Greek food. Ironically, she felt that the food there didn't compare with the Greek food of 2012. Go figure. Upon their return, Julie and Clarissa refused to tell George and Neal what happened during their stay (because as we know, what happens in Ancient Greece stays in Ancient Greece). Still, Julie and Clarissa must have had some trip, as now all depictions of the Greek Gods Hera and Aphrodite look exactly like them.

 

In 2012 George and Neal's kids Mike, Sam, Adin, and Ayla snatched the time machine and traveled to 1948 where they were able to convince legislators to make it illegal to vacuum up any Lego blocks. Their bill was easily passed into law mostly because Lego blocks hadn't been invented yet and no one saw any harm in it. Plus it was attached to a bill about Federal Water Pollution Control Act (which also had the effect of making it illegal for Neal to bathe, at least until the Clean Air Act was passed in 1963 and new techniques and technologies like aeration, flocculation, and active carbon adsorption enabled water filtration plants to sufficiently clean Neal's bath water). When they found out about this, George and Neal traveled to 1950 and convinced legislators to pass a bill to make it illegal to leave Legos lying on the floor, especially after dark. Their bill was easily passed into law because by that time enough people had stepped on Legos in their bare feet that it was deemed necessary to ensure the safety of US citizens. As a result of these two laws, Neal, George, Mike, Sam, Adin, and Ayla spent the rest of 2012 and most of 2013 in jail for committing the crimes they fought so hard to make illegal. Julie and Clarissa enjoyed the 18 month vacation from having to take care of three kids each.

During our incarceration we found one thing that hurts more than stepping on a Lego at night in bare feet; wiping with prison toilet paper...

 

On April 12, 2012, the matching game, Candy Crush, was released on Facebook. Less than one year later, Candy Crush became the most popular game on Facebook, with 46 million monthly users. Most people do not realize that this is simply a rip-off of Neal's earlier 2010 game, Haggis Crush.

Neal was very upset by this blatant copy, until George reminded him that both Haggis and Candy Crush were obvious rip-offs of George's 1982 Coleco game, Orange Crush Crush.

Given that the boys already made a hefty sum from their Bejeweled rip-off, Vajazzled, the boys just let this one go. (Editor's Note: As of July 2013, it has been estimated that Candy Crush Saga earns $633,000 per day in the US section of the iOS App Store alone. So, perhaps this was the wrong one to "let go".)

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