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George Neal

Entry Logged on: September 24, 2012 to Part 3 by: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)
Page Views: 604 - Times Displayed: 19620

In 2029, George and Neal decided to tinker with building functional teleportation technology. Unfortunately, it had been years since either Neal or George watched the 1986 Jeff Goldblum film, The Fly, which illuminated the dangers of teleportation. When the first opportunity arose to use the teleportation device, the men fought over who could use it first. George raised the fact that whoever went first had the potential to be a Neal Armstrong-like figure. Neal raised the fact that Neal Armstrong's first name was Neal, and therefore he should go first. It was sound logic. George refused to accept it, however, and flung himself into the device. Neal did the same. The result was catastrophic (and sexy), in which Neal and George's DNA were combined, creating what at least two people believe to be the smartest man in history. This amalgamation dubbed itself "George Neal." Unfortunately, while the teleportation / recombination was occurring, knobs got fiddled accidentally (that's what she said) and George Neal was flung back into the late 1700's. Though possessing great knowledge and incredible oration skills, George Neal had none of the memories of George or Neal. George Neal believed himself to be the son of a Scottish Highlander who set up permanent residence in South Carolina. For reasons unknown, George Neal chose to stay loyal to the British during the War of Independence. George Neal distinguished himself during the war, even being promoted to Major. He later became an explorer, exploring the north shore of Lake Erie by boat. Ultimately, after leaving America, Major Neal became Canada's first saddlebag preacher for the Methodist church.

 

George Neal - Voted sexiest man alive, 1821.

Voted sexiest man alive, 1821.

Photo by: Neal

Major Neal married, had a daughter Esther, and purchased 200 acres in the Port Rowan Long Point area at Cope's Landing, Ontario. On February 27, 1840, while his granddaughter was reading scripture to him, Major George Neal was hit on the head with an errant pineapple. How the pineapple found its way to Canada remains a mystery. In any event, the noggin clockin' caused the amnesia to disappear and both George and Neal's memories overwhelmed Major Neal.

Missing his/their respective families (and vowing he/they would never tell them about his/their wife, children, grandchildren, and Canadian property ownership), Major Neal faked his/their death the very next day. It was easy back then. He/they just said, "I'm dying" closed his eyes, and held his/their breath. When no one was looking, he/they built a rudimentary time machine out of twigs, berries, and of course, rocks and put it in his/their pocket. After his/their burial, he/they activated the time machine, traveling back to 2029. He/they reverse-engineered their DNA joining (did I mention, ewww?), thereby finally separating George and Neal. There were little long-term physical ramifications, other than Neal smelling like George (egg drop soup) and George smelling like neal (feet, soaked in egg drop soup). Like everything else in this chronology, the events were entirely true. As proof, one need only to visit the Neal Memorial Methodist Church in Port Rowan, Ontario (which was established in September 1912 by George Neal's grandson, Rev. George Neal Hazen, and which still remains to honor "Canada's First Saddlebag Preacher"). One could also read more about these events at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Neal.

Tags: 1700s(1) 1912(1) 1986(8) 2029(2) britain(9) celebrities(69) christian(8) genetics(16) george funk(11) historic events(18) movies(41) neal funk(18) offspring(13) ouch! that'll leave a mark(13) people of history(33) religion(11) teleportation(10) that's what she said(6) time machine(37) wives(15)
Names Mentioned: britain(8) canada(4) george neal(1) jeff goldblum(1) lake erie(1) neil armstrong(1) ontario(1) rev. george neal hazen(1) scotland(3) south carolina(1) the fly(1)
Entry Logged By: Neal - Photos by: Neal (1)

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People, Places, Companies, Products, and Things mentioned that you may recognize from your reality: britain(8), canada(4), george neal(1), jeff goldblum(1), lake erie(1), neil armstrong(1), ontario(1), rev. george neal hazen(1), scotland(3), south carolina(1), the fly(1)

Tags:
  • 1700s - (No Other Entries)
  • 1912 - (No Other Entries)
  • 1986 - (7 Other Entries)
    • Breakin'! - In 1984, George starred in the movie "Breakin'!" as Master Shabazz. In 1986, Neal, in an effort to follow in his friend's footsteps, starred in the mo...
    • The Heroic Journey of Two Wonderful, Influential, Benevolent Human Beings - George and Neal walked completely across the country and back in only three days back in 1986. Everyone was really impressed and George and Neal went ...
    • Max Headroom - Since 1986, every Friday evening, on odd numbered days, in years with digits that add up to 3 or 8, George and Neal hang out with Max Headroom. Un-un-...
    • Rhymes with 'Orange' - Upon hearing that no word in the English language rhymed with "orange," in 1986, George invented the word "sporange" just so one would exist. Years la...
    • We Made Bon Jovi Cool - In early 1986 Bon Jovi was working on their album Slippery When Wet. Because their previous album wasn't as successful as they had hoped, they hired ...
    • Show All...
  • 2029 - (1 Other Entry)
    • Here Be Dragons - On a trip back to 1227 BCE George and Neal discovered that dragons did in fact inhabit major portions of the earth. Different species of dragons lived...
  • britain - (8 Other Entries)
    • Save the Dinosaurs - 65 million years ago George and Neal used their teleportation device to rescue countless dinosaurs from impending doom when a comet was about to crash...
    • President Obama's Education Recovery Effort - In 2010, as part of President Obama's Education Recovery Effort, George & Neal's list of accomplishments became mandatory curriculum from 4th grade up...
    • Feats of Strength!™ - In 2000 BCE, Neal and George traveled to the English county of Wiltshire to participate in the yearly Feats of Strength!™. George lifted a cow (using ...
    • Vatican Idol and Spin-offs - In 2007, hoping to cash in and ride on the success of American Idol, but knowing his limitations (such as poor fashion sense, body odor, warbley singi...
    • The Flying Porcupine (and not the Short S.25 Sunderland) - In 1921 George and Neal began the daunting task of teaching porcupines to fly. It was long, arduous, painful work, and after twelve long years they g...
    • Show All...
  • celebrities - (68 Other Entries)
    • Definitely not Vain - In 1988, Neal and Billy Joel started a fire. Billy Joel denies it. In 2000, Carly Simon admitted she wrote "You're so Vain" about her 10-month, steamy...
    • The Rolling Beatles - So very, very tired of endless "Beatles vs. Stones" arguments, in 2022, George and Neal decided to do the only logical thing to resolve the issue: go ...
    • Lady Gaga vs P!nk - In 2011 the debate over which female music artist was the craziest resulted in a UFC cage match between Lady Gaga and P!nk. The match lasted 12 hours ...
    • Zardoz - When George and Neal were told they could do costume designing for Sean Connery, they jumped at the opportunity. Not because they liked Sean Connery -...
    • Ralph Malph - In 1920, George unfortunately lost millions investing in a ponzi scheme, in which his investments were used to pay earlier investors. In 1979, Neal lo...
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  • christian - (7 Other Entries)
    • Sisters of Endless Guilt - In 1962 George and Neal dressed as nuns and moved into the Sisters of Endless Guilt convent, just for kicks. We lived there for three and a half month...
    • Olympic Snowball - In 2022, at George and Neal's insistence (ok, it was actually persistence - we agreed to finally stop whining about it if the IOC included it - we can...
    • Darwin Loves Us! - In 10,000 BCE, Neal and George invented the opposable thumb. In secret documents, Darwin acknowledged this fact, and renounced his natural selection t...
    • Jerry Falwell's 65th Birthday Party - Riding the success of their 1992 appearance in Under Siege, George and Neal opened a cake delivery business called "Under Siege 2: Dark (Chocolate) Te...
    • Joy to Everyone! - In 2019 George and Neal made a fortune by selling Christmas snow globes. It was all an accident, really. We thought we had this great idea to make C...
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  • genetics - (15 Other Entries)
    • The Lazy X - In 1987, while working on their little known chromosome research project, George and Neal discovered that the Y chromosome was merely a "lazy X" chrom...
    • The ChickenPede - In 1996 George and Neal cross bred a centipede with a chicken (that was one wild night, let me tell you). The resulting mutant became a favored pet of...
    • Godzilla - In 1954, Neal and George worked in Japan assisting scientists with all sorts of experiments. (The boys secretly volunteered because they enjoyed drink...
    • Them Amazing Ladies - In 2001 George married the most incredible woman ever to live, past, present, and future, leaving Neal to settle for the second best, although if you ...
    • Not Conspiracy Theories - There are conspiracy theories, and then there's the truth. And here it is, at long last. There was no UFO crash at Roswell. It wasn't a weather balloo...
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  • george funk - (10 Other Entries)
    • New George and New Neal - On April 23, 1985, Coca-Cola changed its formula and released the New Coke. Not to be outdone, George and Neal intentionally altered their DNA to crea...
    • We're Not Bigfoot - George and Neal are both virile, macho men - so much so that if they did not shave for two days, hair would grow all over their body, making them look...
    • Mmmmmmm... George Juice! - For unexplained reasons, George loves to bathe in Worcestershire sauce (which Dictionary.com defines as a "savory sauce of vinegar, soy sauce and spic...
    • George Spores - In September 1928, Neal and George decided to attempt to clone themselves so that future generations could benefit from their awesomeness. Neal believ...
    • Duels of Toxicity - Beginning in 1777, every 4th of July, George and Neal would get together and throw a party for the most important and powerful American figures. The p...
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  • historic events - (17 Other Entries)
    • 1945, Tigers/Cubs, Game 4 of the World Series - In 1945, George and Neal decided to go to a Tigers/Cubs game - fatefully, it was Game 4 of the World Series. During the game, George complained of a s...
    • There is No Zero! - In 1966 George and Neal decided to visit the year 0, but the adventures they had in year 0 were so debaucherous that all reference to the year has bee...
    • Ten Cent Beer Night - On June 4th, 1974 George and Neal organized the first (and last) ever Ten Cent Beer Night at the Cleveland Municipal Stadium. The event was both a rag...
    • Infecting 1002 - In 2010, George and Neal went back in time to 2001 to stop themselves from hang gliding off 7 South Dearborn. Instead of arriving in 2001, they arrive...
    • We the Bad-Ass Americans - George and Neal went on a vacation/bender in 1776 (again with the time machine). Luckily, though wackiness ensued, nothing was altered in our time-lin...
    • Show All...
  • movies - (40 Other Entries)
    • World's Firster Selfie - After Neal claimed to be in the first "selfie", George decided to both photobomb that "selfie" and then one-up Neal (because that's what he does). So...
    • Oh Wilson, Wherefore Art Thou Wilson - Unbeknownst to many, and typical for a Hollywood film, 2000s blockbuster hit Cast Away, starring Tom Hanks, was nowhere near as good as the Broadway m...
    • Mace, the other Dark Side - Darth Vader was not Luke's father. A paternity test by Maury Povich revealed to Vader that "You are NOT the father!". After checking six other poten...
    • Different Strokes of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Given the success of the novel (and soon to be movie) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (a mashup story combining Jane Austen's classic 1813 novel Pride...
    • Jaros/Simon 2016 vs Simon/Jaros 2016 - Exhausted with the mean-spirited nature of recent presidential elections as well as the inability of presidents to follow through on campaign promises...
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  • neal funk - (17 Other Entries)
    • Hungry Eyes - In 1987, Neal organized a one-man a protest against Dial Corporation, demanding that they move their headquarters back to Chicago. Neal's rage was ini...
    • Lego Prison - In 2012 George and Neal's kids Mike, Sam, Adin, and Ayla snatched the time machine and traveled to 1948 where they were able to convince legislators t...
    • The Great Smog of '52 - In 1952 (but chronologically in 1997 during a trip in a time machine they co-invented) George and Neal visited London, resulting in the Great Smog of ...
    • Lava Lamps: The Origin - In 1960 Neal invented the precursor to the lava lamp, affectionately called the 'Squeegee Glow Blob Light'. However in 1963 British accountant Edward...
    • Beating Unicorns is Totally Tasteless - In 1991, Neal organized a protest against brutality toward unicorns called Beating Unicorns is Totally Tasteless, or B.U.T.T. Decades later, George in...
    • Show All...
  • offspring - (12 Other Entries)
    • Welcome aboard Adin! - In 2012, after being told about many of George and Neal's great exploits, Neal's son Adin asked if he could be a part of their future escapades and ad...
    • Metric Woes - Unable to persuade America to convert to the Metric system, in 2087 George and Neal successfully convinced America to abandon their current measuring ...
    • iKing George - In 1014, George founded the Kingdom of Northeast Georgia, and became King George I (known affectionately as iKing). Beginning in October of that year ...
    • El Niño and La Niña - On a trip to northwestern Peru in 1923 George and Neal both befriended and eventually married the Lopez sisters. The sisters gave birth to two childre...
    • It's All Relative - On April 1, 2010, George thought it would be a hilarious prank to go back in time and seduce Neal's great-grandmother. Consequently, George became Nea...
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  • ouch! that'll leave a mark - (12 Other Entries)
    • I Dare You! - On September 6, 2010, George and Neal initiated a series of dares, each more shocking than the last. It started innocently enough, when George dared N...
    • Apples freakin' hurt. - After hearing that Isaac Newton once disparaged Neal's great-great-great-great Grandfather's honor, George and Neal went back to 1666, and chucked an ...
    • Kick-Ball Ball-Kick - Striking a blow for ball rights everywhere (Editor's note: I'm not touching that one - literally or figuratively), in 1973, George and Neal created th...
    • Goodby Kimmie! - In December, 2011 Neal and George did the world a favor by getting rid of Kim Jong Il using a technique they spent decades perfecting. The "Remote Hea...
    • The 3 Stooges: The Origin - In 1933, Columbia's "3 Nice Regular Guys" premiered, starring Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and George Jaros. The three produced 25 eight-to-twelve minute ...
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  • people of history - (32 Other Entries)
    • Who's the Bossasaur? - In 1904, just one year after Elmer Riggs published his paper stating that Apatosaurus and Brontosaurus were the same creature, George and Neal discove...
    • The Fountain of Youth - In 1609 George and Neal discovered the Fountain of Youth in Florida, just where Ponce de Leon thought it was. We kept the fountain's location a secret...
    • George & Neal's Excellent Adventure - In 1988, Bill and Ted went on an excellent adventure. Nothing compared to the exploits of George and Neal, which the movie was based off of. However, ...
    • Two Seamstresses, One Thimble - In 1878, Eadweard Muybridge created what was essentially the world's first "motion picture." Later that year, Neal and George created the first viral ...
    • Skullets Rock! - In 1983 George convinced Patrick Stewart that it was time to change his hairstyle and shave his afro. Neal suggested a mohawk instead, which Patrick ...
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  • religion - (10 Other Entries)
    • Rue Bourbon is Distracting - In 2069 George and Neal wrote a musical, called "Home to Where the Sun Rises". The smash hit spent four years on Broadway before touring the world. ...
    • Westboro Baptist Church - In 2013, in an attempt to connect with the average American, Westboro Baptist Church contacted Neal and George for their advice. We recommended they ...
    • Happy Chomp-akah - Wanting to "shake things up" for the next Hanukah, in 2013 Neal invented "Tleg", the exact opposite of Gelt - chocolate on the outside, gold foil on t...
    • Religious iDeals - In an effort to avoid paying taxes on his massive fortune, in 1935, Neal established the first truly secular religion, Nealism. Honoring the tenets of...
    • EastKippur - In an effort to unify religions, George and Neal combined Easter and Yom Kippur, (known as "EastKippur"). Unfortunately, this resulted in a cruel iron...
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  • teleportation - (9 Other Entries)
    • Visiting Eternia - In 1988 George and Neal used their teleportation device to travel to the planet Eternia to inform the inhabitants of the successful legal proceedings ...
    • Saturday Night George - In 1993 George and Neal used the Time Machine in conjunction with the Teleportation Device and wound up in an alternate reality where families sit aro...
    • Poor, poor Clem... - These used to be "The Grand Saga of George, Neal, and Clem's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!" but at some point, due to a glitch in t...
    • SUPER POWERS - In 1975 a hiccup in the Teleportation Device George and Neal use to travel instantaneously across huge distances caused them to swap realities with al...
    • No means... - You know the saying "No means no", well, in 1929 a glitch in George and Neal's teleportation device actually caused a rift in the definition continuum...
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  • that's what she said - (5 Other Entries)
    • Dr. Mountain Pepper Dew BBQ Sauce - In 2008, Neal convinced the makers of Dr. Pepper (which he claimed was the greatest jaguanst available, at least until the year 3041, when the superio...
    • We went fishing and all we caught was awful... - In 1976 George and Neal went fishing. All they caught was a cold, the flu, pneumonia, and scarlet fever. But luckily the lake they were fishing on h...
    • Cow Experimentation - In 1984, during George and Neal's famous Cow Experimentation period (it's not what it sounds like), they successfully bred cows with extremely high in...
    • Just a little background... - ###Just a little background - This entire story was listed in the "Details on how you know each other" section of Facebook. Unfortunately the field fo...
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  • time machine - (36 Other Entries)
    • The Evian Mobile - In 1910 George and Neal, knowing the future issues that would be caused by the pollution from combustion engines, invented a highly efficient hydrogen...
    • The Multiverse - There are lots of stories about the Bermuda Triangle and how it causes ships and airplanes to mysteriously disappear. In actuality, this is the simply...
    • He grabbed my hand and whispered, 'Run!' - The long running television series Doctor Who is loosely based on George and Neal's adventures, except their time machine does not look like a police ...
    • Zoo Trip Time Machine - In March 2010 George and Neal got their families together for a trip to the zoo. They had a fantastic time and said it was a shame they hadn't done t...
    • Restraining Orders Suck - Between 2056 and 2058, George and Neal had little contact, due to a government-sought restraining order. During those years, Awesomeness!™ was outlawe...
    • Show All...
  • wives - (14 Other Entries)
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Other Posts:

  • We'd Need a Thneed Indeed! - In 1965 George and Neal invented an odd-looking but versatile garment that everyone needs. In 1971 we licensed the story of the growing Thneed industr...
  • Where did 'C' go? - Unfortunately, sometimes George and Neal's time (mis)adventures cause unforeseeable consequences. For example, in 1978, the letter/sound "c" was elim...
  • Ultra-Mega Teeth Brushing and Cleaning System - In 1758 George and Neal invented tooth paste. Their first attempt was made from actual ground up teeth and was used to hold in dentures, but eventuall...
  • Vacationing in 165,003 B.C. - In 165,003 BCE George and Neal visited Macronesia, a large continent in the now Pacific Ocean (not to be confused with Macaronesia in the Atlantic). U...
  • Procrastinat... I'll finish later... - Despite having a time machine, George and Neal are terrible procrastinators. In fact the time travelling makes things even worse because they just ski...


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