The Grand Saga of
George and Neal's Adventures
Through Time and Space (and Pudding)!

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In order to prevent George and Neal from becoming destitute after the ADA failed to support their new toothpaste approximately three dozen musicians, actors, and rhubarb farmers (friends from the IARF) joined together to perform a benefit concert and recorded the '80's hit feel-good song "Teeth are for Wussies, so Give Edentulous a Chance". We are still waiting for the benefits of that get-together. On the plus side, dentists all around the world praised us for assisting in increasing their demand.

 

Also in 2009, Neal's manhood became sentient and demanded to secede from his body. It was thought, (only by George, known by the rest of the world) that this was the result of Neal's long time habit of wussing out and doing things the girly way. In Neal's warped reality, Neal was so manly, that his manhood felt no need to continue being a part of Neal, as Neal would continue to be manly enough and could and would grow another one at will. The manhood's theme song during its secession campaign was a humorous '90s hit by the band King Missile. Years later, Neal's manhood started a website (www.nealsimonsmanhood.com), which met with some success - but likely only because people thought it was a website hosting pictures of the author/playwright who wrote "The Odd Couple", "Biloxi Blues", and "Lost in Yonkers". Initially, the website was not like that at all. Over time, however...

 

There are conspiracy theories, and then there's the truth. And here it is, at long last. There was no UFO crash at Roswell. It wasn't a weather balloon either though. During another time travel journey George and Neal let one of their genetic experiments borrow the hover car they stole from a trip to the year 2121. Poor creature wrecked the car and got grounded for a month. There was also no moon landing, although NASA will dispute that. But that's to be expected, since George and Neal masterminded the entire event. NASA truly does believe they landed on the moon, but they were actually diverted to a massive litter box in south eastern Algeria by our Super Gravitational Ray Bender (also stolen from the year 2121). We just didn't think the world was ready for the knowledge that the moon is in fact made of cheese. But not dairy cheese, we're talking stuff like cheap watches, gaudy jewelry, game show hosts, '80s fashions, bad jokes, crappy rest area souvenirs, pet rocks, mood rings, Wayne Newton, Dollywood, puns, "... and all I got was this t-shirt" t-shirts, dollar store toys, B movies, and other "cheesy" stuff.

 

When George and Neal were told they could do costume designing for Sean Connery, they jumped at the opportunity. Not because they liked Sean Connery - but rather they were intent on taking their revenge after Sean stole their "Rock Smoothies" idea (luckily, all that did was bust up his teeth and make the Yugoslavian sound like a Scottish man). Anyway, in an effort to exact revenge, George and Neal designed Sean's costume for his 1974 epic, Zardoz. The costume looked like this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Zardoz_zed.jpg Job well done, boys!

 

George and Neal walked completely across the country and back in only three days back in 1986. Everyone was really impressed and George and Neal went on the talk-show circuit, landing interviews with the likes of Geraldo, Oprah, Montel, Carson, Letterman, Walters, Humperdink, Stashinova, and Elmo. A Hallmark Special Movie called "The Heroic Journey to Two Wonderful, Influential, Benevolent Human Beings" was being planned to honor their amazing heroism when, during research for the roles of George and Neal, actors Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts discovered that the country George and Neal walked across was actually Monaco and the only reason it took then three days instead of a few hours was that they stopped at several casinos during their stay. The Hallmark movie is still being planned, but has been re-titled "The Great Cross Country Scam". We're OK with that.

 

In 1967, George and Neal traveled to Hollywood, to start their business, "Skin Flakes of the Stars". They sold exactly what you think. People reacted exactly how you think. Surprisingly, years later they restarted the business but marketed the product as a high-protein, body sculpting, smoothie supplement called "Hollywood DermaFleck", and the company's success skyrocketed. You can buy a tub of it at your local GNC, Vitamin World, or Jiffy Lube.

 

George was the prime candidate for the Sharon Stone role in Basic Instinct. When George passed on the role, due only to the fact that taking the role would conflict with his ongoing protest against poodles (don't ask), Sharon Stone got the part.

 

In 2010 George and Neal single handedly (well, I guess double-handedly) save the US from a great depression, by creating a new industry devoted solely to... well, I can't really say here, otherwise our idea will be taken. Probably by Bette Midler, who religiously checks these updates for some reason. Damn you, Midler!

 

George and Neal are in charge or Don Cherry's wardrobe.

 

In 1998, George decided to traumatize Neal by forcing him to watch Peter Jackson's lesser known muppets-on-drugs movie, Meet the Feebles. Neal has been sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth ever since. On the plus side, George realized he could use Neal's constant rocking as an alternate source of energy. Now the nation's reliance on oil has abated. Its reliance on "Neal Power", however, has grown exponentially. George has become the nation's largest supplier of "Neal Power", although not everyone rocking back and forth after watching Meet the Feebles is named Neal. The cost of producing "Neal Power" generators was drastically reduced in 2000 when George invested in purchasing a copy of the movie on VHS for $14.95 instead of having to rent the video for $3.00 every time he wanted to build more power generators. Since 2000 George has converted numerous poor souls to "Neal Power" generators, including his poor wife (sorry honey!). To the Spice Girls dismay, the nation still has no interest in fueling things using sassy "Girl Power". The Power Rangers have no opinion on this.

 

In 2010 George insisted Neal seek therapy to break his addiction to board games. Neal entered the program but came out six weeks later with a great idea for a game called "The Twelve Step Approach". The game has been a big hit in Hollywood and has attracted some of the biggest stars in entertainment, including Nick Nolte, David Hasselhoff, Amy Winehouse, Lindsey Lohan, and Elmo. Neal hopes to capitalize on the game's success with a sequel called "Back on the Wagon" while George is working on a prequel called "I Can't Remember What I Did Last Summer". A live television version of the game is scheduled to be on NBC in the fall of 2010. The working title for the game show version is "Neal or No Neal".

 

George was the fifth Beatle. However, due to a problem with the time machine, he had to forsake this role, give up fame and fortune and return to his present time. George tells everyone he meets this fact. In 2000, Neal was the sixth Backstreet Boy. Neal tells no one this fact. However, Neal is quite proud of the short time that he posed as Enya while in witness protection. Despite poor reviews ("Worst... Enya... Ever..."), his concerts were quite popular; though this might have something to do with "Enya's" new mandate requiring copious amounts of backup-singer nudity.

 

In 1937 George and Neal, while experimenting with a new potato gun in the central Pacific, accidentally shot down Amelia Earhart's airplane. They were able to rescue her from the wreckage and she ended up staying on the island with them for quite a while. After initial reservations, she finally gave in to Neal's romantic advances. Unsatisfied, she gave up on Neal and tried to seduce George. It was at this point that George and Neal decided to ask Amelia to join their super secret society of vanished celebrities. To date the super secret society consists of Amelia Earhart, Andy Kaufman, Elvis, Tupac Shakur, Notorious B.I.G., Stephen Foster, Hitler, Jimmy Hoffa, Bono, Sonny Bono, the original Cher, Kurt Cobain, Al Capone, Jim Morrison, Benjamin Franklin, Nikola Tesla, Jake the Snake Roberts, Atilla the Hun, Ludwig von Beethoven, Beavis & Butthead, Cleopatra, Shelley Long, Bronson Pinchot, William Hung, Jaleel White, Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, James Dean, Glen Miller, Marcus Schrenker, and the Fraggles. The plan is to bring everyone back in 2064 for a Vanished Celebrity Vaudeville Variety Hour world tour. Amelia will be doing her amazing basketball spinning trick.

 

In 1988, Neal and Billy Joel started a fire. Billy Joel denies it. In 2000, Carly Simon admitted she wrote "You're so Vain" about her 10-month, steamy love affair with George. Making it even more ironic, George had no idea the song was about him.

 

George and Neal taught Chuck Norris everything he knows about kicking ass and Bill Nye everything he knows about science.

 

In 1920, George unfortunately lost millions investing in a ponzi scheme, in which his investments were used to pay earlier investors. In 1979, Neal lost millions investing in a Fonzi scheme, in which his investments were used to pay Ralph Malph. George was able to make his money back though by traveling to 1979, posing as Ralph Malph, taking Neal's money back to 1918, investing in the same ponzi scheme that he would later lose his money, and thus becoming one of those early investors that made a fortune. Neal, however, is still looking for Ralph Malph but will never find him.

 

Riding the success of their 1992 appearance in Under Siege, George and Neal opened a cake delivery business called "Under Siege 2: Dark (Chocolate) Territory". George would bake the cakes and deliver them and Neal would jump out of them. This was a very successful business until August, 1998, when Neal believed he was being sent to a bachelorette party. At the designated time Neal leaped out of the cake and began shaking his stuff while bills got stuffed into his speedo. After about 10 minutes Neal realized that the laughs were slightly deeper than what he would expect from a bachelorette party. Upon wiping the whipped cream from his eyes Neal realized he was actually at Jerry Falwell's 65th birthday party and Mr. Falwell was just about to stuff another $20 into Neal's G-String. Neal shouted and ran, closely followed by a mob of seniors stuffing change down his coin slot, toward the door yelling for George to "Start the van! Start the van!" Neal escaped with a whopping $1,642.63 in those 10 short minutes, not including the roll of quarters he kept stuffed in his banana hammock.

 

George and Neal were once part of the rock band KISS, but left the band in 1974 because they didn't think makeup of a raccoon and chimp respectively was cool enough. They also tried to convince Peter Criss to come with, but he seemed to like the cat makeup. Peter Criss did eventually leave the band in 1980 but kept returning and quitting the band throughout the years. In 1994 George and Neal became nostalgic for the KISS years and grew fond of the raccoon and chimp makeup and are now rarely seen in public without it.

 

George was originally cast in the lead role as Michael Knight for the 1980's TV series Knight Rider, however due to conflicting interests (George was in the process of developing an actual artificial intelligence for a car, as well as a "human-like orifice" - what was that about, George?) he had to refuse the role. Neal was also approached to play a role in the TV series, but he didn't pass the audition process. The producers said he used too much emotion in his portrayal of a talking car. They also thought the voice over part for the car should be played by someone wearing more than platform shoes and a cape. Neal refused to compromise on his artistic interpretation of the part. Neal's love of the platform shoe and cape was the inspiration for Sesame Street's "The Count" - not Dracula, as most people believe was the basis for the character.

 

In 1970, Neal and George went back in time to punch Frank Sinatra in the gut. Not because we had anything against Frank Sinatra per se, but rather because as George put it, "hey, we have a time machine, wouldn't that be just awesome to do?" To which Neal replied, "Cooooool...." What was less cool was the fact that after gut-punching Sinatra, Neal and George were beaten senseless by Sinatra's "buddies". Johnny "No Thumbs" was especially rough on George and Neal.

 

In 1982 Neal and George played the roles of Coy and Vance respectively when John Schneider and Tom Wopat (Bo and Luke) walked off the set of the Dukes of Hazzard due to salary and royalty disputes. Coy and Vance's appearance was a huge hit with fans of the show and as a result of their success they demanded an unbelievable salary to reprise their roles of Coy and Vance Duke the following season. Unfortunately the producers couldn't afford the high price associated with Neal and George's infamy and the terms Schneider and Wopat were asking for suddenly looked more affordable. Thus Bo and Luke returned for the remainder of the show's run.

 

In 2014, after declaring bankruptcy and losing everything, George and Neal came to their rescue and offered both Rod Blagojevich and Donald Trump an opportunity to stop living on the streets of Chicago and sharing a cardboard box behind Tony Rezko's house (i.e. under the El tracks on Van Buren and Clark). In 2015 the SyFy channel aired a special live presentation of ECW Wrestling. The match-up was a bloody battle between Blago's and Trump's hair. The 6 hour battle was called a draw but ended up spawning a spin-off show called "Law and Order and Corruption - You're Fired Unit", which aired on NBC after "Law and Order - Not Quite As Special Victims Unit", before "Law and Order - Criminal Negligence", on alternate weeks with "Law and Order - Park District Squad" but only during the off season for "Law and Order - Police Brutality".

 

In 1990, George began producing Martha Stewart's new cooking show, "Cookin' with Martha and Neal". The show ran for two very successful seasons; however, relations between Martha and Neal became strained, resulting in an on-air, climactic and violent fight between the two. Neal did not count on Martha's extremely long reach and proficiency with kitchen knives, and as a result he suffered greatly.

Thankfully, George managed to bring Neal's corpse to the year 2050, where Neal was resuscitated. As a practical joke, George had Neal's testicles enlarged 500% and moved to his back. Surprisingly, Neal liked the new look, and his coinpurse remains unreasonably gigantic and misplaced to this day.

 

Neal does not like the taste of fish. In 2000, George decided to help out Neal by playing around with genetics to create the first fish that tasted like chicken. Unfortunately, this backfired, and now nearly all chickens found in the Midwest taste like fish. Undeterred, George and Neal found themselves immersed in the complicated world of genetics. Despite a plethora of cease-and-desist orders from the most prominent scientific communities, George created the first gir-rilla (pronounced Jer-rilla):

Not to be outdone, Neal created the world's first Dat, which won 2nd prize at the Westminster Freakshow:

Between 2000-2004, Neal and George fervently created more and more hybrid animals, the likes of which this world has never seen (including the Zebruck, the pengagroo, and the hipponaucerous, a personal favorite). However, George and Neal ceased entirely working in the realm of genetics when a bearpotomus and an ostrephant had a mutant baby so terrifying, so disgusting, that it cannot be adequately described. Here's a picture:

After this abomination was spewn forth, George and Neal decided to call it a day, and destroyed each and every hybrid creature they created.

....Well, except for the platypus. We love that little guy.

 

In 1991, Neal and George were beaten up by "Marky Mark" Wahlberg and 1 member of his Funky Bunch (specifically, Hector the Bootie Inspector). After knocking Neal and George unconscious, Marky and Hector took their clothes. On the plus side, Neal's tremendous *ahem* character inspired Mark Walhberg's character, Dirk Diggler, in the movie Boogie Nights. George also inspired Mark Wahlberg's character in his forthcoming movie, Little People, because all people look little compared to George.

 

In 2007, hoping to cash in and ride on the success of American Idol, but knowing his limitations (such as poor fashion sense, body odor, warbley singing, weird eyebrows, crooked teeth, mismatched nostrils.... [editor's note: many of Neal's failings have been deleted to preserve Facebook's memory/storage]), Neal prompted George to create Vatican Idol, which he would then try out for. As Vatican City is the smallest country in the world by both area and population (pop: 900), Neal was sure to win the title. Or so he thought. Voted "Vatican City's 900th best singer," Neal suffered through the worst of Simon Cowell's caustic remarks, including: "I have seen more talent contained in the bowels of a seven-day-deceased rodent," "I would rather listen to spider-monkeys mating than hear another second of you singing", and "Despite the fact that all you did was sing, I can unequivocally say that you are the worst human being ever to exist on the face of the planet." Ouch. Neal then set his sights on performing in So You Think You Can Dance?. That, too, went poorly. Hopefully he will fare better on George's newest show, So You Think You Can Sit?.

George, on the other hand, began producing hit after hit in the reality programming world, including: The Amazing Standing In Place, Britain's Got Teeth Problems, and The Last Accountant Standing.

 

Dateline, 2058: In an effort to feed as well as entertain the homeless, George and Neal invented the first edible harmonica. Much to George's dismay, the harmonica, comprised of marshmallows, candy canes, and prunes (monikered "Marshmonica") was criticized as the world's worst food - both in taste and in nutrition, but got rave reviews by harmonica virtuoso John Popper who purchased them in bulk. George's later edible instruments, including the hamburchordian, cheeseborine, Jaguanstophone, and pizziano were even less successful. Although the Tubagna, a combo tuba/lasagna creation, was in the works, and showed great promise, George and Neal abandoned the project altogether, when the homeless actually banded together and offered to pay them to stop.

 

During the 2008 election season, George and Neal were hired by Barack Obama's marketing team to come up with catchy ditties about the man. After writing "Obama Told Me (You Better Shop Around)," "Obama Told Me There'd Be Day's Like This", and "Obama I'm Coming Home", the duo were fired for copyright infringement (and are currently facing lawsuits from a number of musicians, Ozzy Ozbourne included). They were quickly hired by Sarah Palin's camp to mitigate the damage done as a result of the Katie Couric interview. Though George and Neal's song "Hooked on a Palin" did little to help Palin's situation, they gained a new friend and confidant.

 

In 1964 George and Neal started their niche business "Hair, Inc." in which they supplied the hair for your favorite rock stars and other celebrities. The business was an overnight success when the Beatles (who were actually all completely bald) became their first clients. Over the years our business has grown and we supply hair for all the biggest stars. We had our most profitable decade in the 1980's with the rise in popularity of "Glam Rock" and "Hair Metal" bands. Some of our highest profile clients include, in addition to The Beatles, Aerosmith, The Rolling Stones, Poison, Don King, Lyle Lovett, Twisted Sister's Dee Snider, Willie Nelson, ZZ Top (but just their beards), Gene Simmons and Ace Frehley of Kiss, Crystal Gayle, and the left half of David Bowie's head, just to name a few. We have been trying to gain Paul Simon, Ron Howard and Sinead O'Connor as clients for years without success. Brittney Spears was our client at one point, but we had a falling out in February 2007 before she turned to one of our inferior competitors, "Rock Locks" (who also services the rest of Kiss, Slaughter, Howard Stern, and Motley Crew, among others). We also used to do the hair for Metallica, until they decided to start sucking. About the only celebrity who's hair is actually real is our good friend David Allan Coe's, and that's some bad-ass hair for an old guy.

 

In 1997, due to George's deep love of Star Wars, as well as his admiration of George Lucas (less as a result of Lucas's accomplishments and more because of Lucas's awesome first name), George asked to be involved in the Star Wars prequels. However, when George read the script to Episode I, he quickly decided he did not want to be involved in the project (or in George's words, "Meesa want nuting to do wit'de feeellllm, Ani!"). Instead, he dumped quantums of money in Lucas' lap, requesting that he be digitally inserted into the "original" trilogy. Caring little about continuity (come on Lucas, Greedo shoots first???), Lucas complied. Happy with the results, George has since contacted Spielberg so that he could be included in JAWS, Orson Welles's Citizen Kane, and replacing Bill Cosby in Leonard: Part 6 (it didn't help).

 

At 12:56am on Friday, July 10, 2009 George wondered if anyone ever reads The Grand Saga of George and Neal's Adventures Through Time and Space (and Pudding)! (Besides Bette Midler that is). At 12:57am on Friday, July 10, 2009 George decided it didn't matter and added some information about the kitten that taught Bob Ross how to paint.

 

In 1968 George and Neal trained a kitten to paint. That kitten in turn trained Bob Ross to paint. Bob Ross in turn taught countless of people to paint. So thanks to Neal and George and one talented kitten there are millions of "happy little trees". Who says we don't love the environment...

 

In 1947 George and Neal spent several days in France waiting for their friends Vladimir and Estragon to show up. Neal later wrote a play about it called "Waiting for Vladimir and Estragon". Then in 1949 some dude ripped off our story and completely turned the tables. In his play, Samuel Beckett claimed Vladimir and Estragon were waiting and waiting for us! Needless to say we weren't too happy, especially since we had no idea who this Beckett guy was. So we contacted Beckett and told him what's up. He agreed to at least change our names in his play. Somehow Beckett's play became famous while Neal's just faded to obscurity. Maybe it's because people were more interested in philosophical discussions than the truth of what happened - sitting, waiting, belching, farting, and battling ninjas.

 

So very, very tired of endless "Beatles vs. Stones" arguments, in 2022, George and Neal decided to do the only logical thing to resolve the issue: go back in time and force John and Paul to join forces with Mick and Keith. Thus, the band "The Rolling Beatles" took the music scene by storm.

The music was so astonishingly good that other musicians gave up in defeat and besides the music of the Rolling Beatles, almost no other music has been produced since 1968.... Almost. Neal and George got such a rush from combining two musical groups that they went back in time to do the same thing a few more times over. Now, instead of debating "Beatles vs. Stones", the world debates "The Rolling Beatles vs. Hammer | Hendrix." Most agree, it's a toss-up.

(As an aside, most agree that it's best not to acknowledge Reznor/Hanson inappropriately named collaboration, "The Nine Inch Hanson Brothers" nor the Prince/Pearl Jam collaboration, "Prince Pearl".)

 

As long as we're on the topic of classic rock music groups, it should be noted that George, Neal, and Brian Wilson were founding members of the Beach Boys, originally known as the Couch Boys. We turned out several minor hits, including Channel Surfin' USA, Channel Surfer Girl, Channel Surfin' Safari, and Couch Vibrations. In 1961 Brian decided Surfing was more marketable than sitting on a couch, kicked us out of the band, and changed the name. We were hurt for a time, but in the long run things worked out. Brian apologized by dedicating the "Pet Sounds" album to us (a reference to George's singing), but we really feel vindicated now. Today people still spend too much time sitting on their couches and no one cares about the Beach Boys any more. Suck on that Brian!

 

On April 1, 2010, George thought it would be a hilarious prank to go back in time and seduce Neal's great-grandmother. Consequently, George became Neal's great-grandfather. While George found this unintended consequence hilarious, Neal did not find this funny whatsoever. As payback, Neal seduced George's great-great grandmother. Super-humanly virile, Neal became George's great-great grandfather. Upset, George thereafter seduced Neal's great-great-great grandmother (after first accidentally seducing his great-great-great grandfather - could have happened to anyone). This went back and forth so many times that Neal's and George's family trees became so convoluted and confusing it would have made M.C. Escher proud.

 

Speaking of M.C. Escher, in 1955, George and Neal once rented an apartment from him. On the plus side, the rent was very low for such a roomy place. The downside? All the faceless people. Very creepy. Also, the conflicting laws of gravity made going to the bathroom very, very complicated and often times messy.

 

In 2020 George and Neal produced a very special episode of Dateline's "To Catch A Predator". It was a great success and they captured a lion, three grizzly bears, a pair of jaguars, three red-tailed hawks, six rattlesnakes, one mongoose, a vast assortment of spiders, a man-o-war jellyfish, a tyrannosaurus rex, two alligators, a couple of venus flytraps, and one big dude with glow-in-the-dark blood, awesome mandibles, greenish skin, rad dreads, and some pretty cool weapons. We've been asked back to do a follow up special where we'll attempt to catch the elusive Nashville Predators.

 

In 2040, Neal and George created a television news program devoted solely to chronicling their (mis)adventures, called the George and Neal Newsnetwork (or "GNN"). GNN hit an all-time high Nielsen rating during Neal's cooking show with Martha Stewart (see above). The ratings peak? - 4 viewers. Thanks to George and Neal's moms! (The lowest ratings valley? The week-long "All Nude Review", where viewership dipped by 4.)

 

On September 6, 2010, George and Neal initiated a series of dares, each more shocking than the last. It started innocently enough, when George dared Neal to eat a live worm (not knowing that Neal had done this for free in the past, on a number of occasions). Neal then dared George to go back in time and dress like a woman at a number of milestones in his life.

After George went to numerous weddings, funerals, birthday parties, circumcisions, etc. dressed as a woman, George then dared Neal to not be witty, funny and/or suave for one day. (Neal of course could not do so - his awesomeness is by instinct not design). After trying (and failing) not to be awesome, Neal then dared George to erase Dan Ackroyd's entire existence. George did so with ease and great pleasure. Of course, George had to find someone to fill in the now Ackroyd-less roles...

The dares continued, each more fantastic than the last, which all culminated somehow in Neal thinking he could take on Muhammad Ali in his prime. Six concussions later, he discovered he could not. Neal would have continued the dare contest, but after multiple blows to the skull, he forgot all about the contest and for some reason instead decided to be a divorce attorney. George was satisfied, believing that somehow this meant he won the contest.

 

In December, 2011 Neal and George did the world a favor by getting rid of Kim Jong Il using a technique they spent decades perfecting. The "Remote Head Squish" method of attack is a secret that was passed on to them by Samurai Master Nasu no Yoichi in 12th century Japan (March 13, 1192 to be exact).

 

In 2036, tired of attempting to potty train their many, many children (combined, George and Neal sired 664 children, thanks to their wives, who have been cloned many times over as George and Neal can't seem to get enough of them), George and Neal gathered the best and brightest scientific minds (read: just the two of them - oh, and they also included Stephen Hawking, not because he's as smart as Neal and George (he's not), but rather because they liked hearing Hawking's melodious robotic voice). The goal: discover a way to eliminate the need to potty train children. Two hours later, the solution was discovered. George and Neal combined the awesome, near-supernatural powers of duct tape and children's pottys, and revealed their newest invention, the "Toilet Tush Taper" (aka "Poop Cubed") to the world. (((Patent (and significantly better name) pending.))) This invention did not sell well, though, after someone realized that the "invention" of taping a toilet to a child's touchas was really the same thing as a diaper. A much heavier, messier, terrible diaper. Red Green was impressed at the ingenious use of duct tape though.

 

In 2010, as part of President Obama's Education Recovery Effort, George & Neal's list of accomplishments became mandatory curriculum from 4th grade up. Students are required to pass annual standardized tests in four categories: Historical Events, Businesses and Celebrities, Inventions, and Other Crap. 4th through 6th grade tests each consist of 200 multiple choice questions, 7th and 8th grade is a combination of 250 multiple choice and short answer questions, and high school also includes an essay section. Also all US Citizens are required to complete a 150 question multiple choice test once every four years. Failure to pass the test could result in suspension of your US Citizenship and up to 10 years of living in Britain. So you better start studying now!

 

In 2012 George and Neal recorded an album of cover songs, except instead of the actual lyrics we sang the lyrics that everyone thinks the original artists were singing. Neal's rendition of Jimmi Hendrix's Purple Haze was an instant hit ('Scuse me while I kiss this guy) while George's version of CCR's Bad Moon Risin' (There's a bathroom on the right) became the theme song for Larry Craig's 2012 presidential campaign. Other songs on the album included:
- Queen's Bohemian Raphsody (Scallaboosh, Scallaboosh, will you do the banned tango... and ...The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeeeeee....)
- Led Zepplin's Stairway To Heaven (And there's a wino down the road)
- Nirvana's All Apologies (Smoking on the ashes of your Aunt Louise)
- The Sound of Music's So Long, Farewell (So long, farewell, our feet are saying good-bye)
- Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box (Hey, Wayne, I've got a new Cobain)
- Elvis's Are you Lonesome Tonight (Are you loathsome tonight? Do you mince meat....)
- The Beatles' Ticket to Ride (She's got a chicken to ride.)
- REM's The One I Love (This one goes out to the one-eyed dove.)
- Judy Garland's Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Where Tribbles smell like lemon drops)
- Madonna's Material Girl (I'm a Cheerio girl)
- Frank Sinatra's Strangers in the Night (Strangers and your wife, exchanging glances...)
- NIN's Closer (I want a duck shaped like a triangle, You give a toaster to Bob)
- Simon and Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water (Like a bridge over a tub of water)
- Glen Miller's Chattanooga Choo Choo (Pardon me boys, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?)

 

In 1988, George and Neal created cats and dogs with opposable thumbs and above-average intellects. Everyone was thrilled with the evolutionary jump - well, everyone except Bob Barker, who received copious amounts of angry letters from the critters. George and Neal's favorites include: "Hey Bob Barker - Screw you! Love, Cats & Dogs"; "Bob, I miss my testicles, you jerk! - Fido" and "Barker, YOUR balls are MINE!" Many animal activists have sided with the animals, calling for Bob Barker to be neutered. Gerbils, parakeets, and a number of other household pets have refused to take sides.

 

On May 11, 1997, "Deep Blue", a chess-playing computer developed by IBM, won a six-game match by two wins to one with three draws against world champion Garry Kasparov. George believed he do could much better than Kasparov, and challenged the computer to another six-game match. The computer beat George - badly - in the chess competition. However, when George challenged Deep Blue to an Ultimate Fighting Championship, the computer was easily beaten by George, losing 5 out of 6 matches.

 

In 2011 the debate over which female music artist was the craziest resulted in a UFC cage match between Lady Gaga and P!nk. The match lasted 12 hours before a strung out old skank arrived, bitch slapped both girls, flashed the crowd, and passed out. Lady Gaga and P!nk stopped fighting, shook hands, and decided that no matter how freaky they each became, neither of them had anything on Courtney Love.

 

Throughout the years George and Neal have helped create several famous documentaries, including Gheorghe Marinescu's "The walking troubles of organic hemiplegy" and "The walking troubles of organic paraplegies"; Edward S. Curtis's "In the Land of the Head Hunters"; Robert J. Flaherty's "Nanook of the North"; William Shakespeare's "Hamlet", "A Midsummer Night's Dream", and "Macbeth"; and Michael Moore's "SiCKO"; and James Cameron's "Terminator".

 

Between January 2111 and August 2121 George and Neal set out on a quest to discover as many creatures generally thought to be imaginary as possible. Over their 10 year hunt they proved the existence of unicorns, pixies, trolls, harpies, thunderbirds, centaurs, Nessie, yeti and sasquatch (but not bigfoot), Gary Busey, chimera, phoenix, and sqrt -1.

 

In 2068 George and Neal accidentally engineered a new strain of the flu virus, called Aracauna Flu, and then subsequently became the first people to catch the traumatic, but nonfatal disease. The symptoms of Aracauna Flu are much more uncomfortable than any previous flu strain, but luckily they rarely prove to be fatal. Symptoms start with a mild fever and nausea, followed by a sharp cough. Soon after the cough starts, victims will notice soft flaky growths beginning to cover the skin. Over the course of 48-72 hours the cough begins to sound more like a cluck and the flaky growths become more feather-like. At the height of the illness the afflicted will very closely resemble the Aracauna chicken, complete with sideburn like tufts of feathery growths (we suspect this may have something to do with our invention of muttonchop sideburns, but that theory is unproven). Luckily the whole affliction goes away suddenly when the patient wakes up one morning surrounded by a pile of feathers and with a morbid desire for an omelet. The only known fatalities of Aracauna Flu were the result of infected people getting too close to foxes or a Kenny Rodger's Roasters (so if you are afflicted, please stay out of the Philippines and Malaysia).

 

In 1987, Neal organized a one-man a protest against Dial Corporation, demanding that they move their headquarters back to Chicago. Neal's rage was initiated by the split with Greyhound Lines (yes, the bus company - he really likes vehicles named after fast, skinny animals) and in anger he decided to boycott Dial soap and protest. Some people suggested he just follow Greyhound Lines, but his fear of Texas prevented him from heading to Dallas. So for 3 months Neal danced outside Dial Corporation's new headquarters in Phoenix, Arizona. While Neal's protest didn't garner any attention from either Dial Corporation or Greyhound Lines, it did inspire the title for Eleanor Bergstein's screenplay (up to then titled "A Corner for Baby"). "Dirty Dancing" became a huge hit, and Neal never received the credit for his inspiration. Surprisingly, George played the role of muse for part of the movie, too. John DeNicola and Franke Previte were inspired to write the song "Hungry Eyes" after meeting George shortly after a short circuit caused the teleportation device to erroneously reconstruct George with extra mouths where his eyes should have been (fortunately his eyes were relocated to his extra tongues, so he could see and scream at the same time).

 

In 2022 Neal was having a mid-life crisis and had decided to head to Vegas to gamble his life savings away. George joined him thinking it would be a great opportunity to film a documentary. George recorded Neal's obsessive gambling (slots, blackjack, roulette, he tried everything to no avail). Eventually, Neal was completely broke (had even sold his shoes, pants and shirt) and had finally resorted to singing parodies of Weird Al songs in the hopes of earning a few cents or a crust of bread. An unusually sympathetic transvestite chorus girl (guy?) decided to give him a break and tossed $5 in his plastic tip cup. He immediately used it to play Keno at the Mirage, and won! And he didn't stop winning until he had earned $1.5 million, plus a new pair of pants! By 2030 Neal was a multi-billionaire and George won an Oscar for their documentary, entitled "Neal and Out - The Fall and Rise of a Modern Legend".

 

In 1933, Columbia's "3 Nice Regular Guys" premiered, starring Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and George Jaros. The three produced 25 eight-to-twelve minute shorts, wherein the three gentlemen treated each other with utmost respect and kindness. Much of the shorts consisted of handshakes and compliments. The reviews and ratings were horrid. This led to a severe decrease in pay. Since it was George's suggestion that Moe and Larry leave promising jobs as orthodontists to pursue acting, the latter two developed a deep and secret hatred towards an unsuspecting George. One day, the pressure was too much, and they beat him within an inch of his life. The thrashing was unknowingly filmed, and proved so hilarious (many considering George's "not in the face, not in the face!" pleas their favorite moment) and popular that repeated showings sold out. Soon re-dubbed "The 3 Stooges" with the focus on gross body injuries resulting from idiotic behavior, Columbia had a hit. George, not being used to the constant beatings that most people in the 1930's had become accustomed to, could not continue on in the show. With no hard feelings, Larry and Moe agreed to hire George's great-great-great uncle, Curly Howard Jaros. The rest, as they say, was history. Until George and Neal decide to change it again.

 

In August 2012, Clint Eastwood was thought to have embarrassed himself at the Republican National Convention by pretending to argue with an invisible President Obama, when in actuality he was merely talking with an empty chair. Most of the world cut him some slack when they realized that not six months earlier, Eastwood participated in the famous "Eastwood / Invisible Neal" debates, ironically emceed by a very visible Obama. You couldn't blame the guy for later getting slightly confused.

 

In 2012, George's sons Sam and Mike wondered if they had the potential to be as amazing as their dad and his friend Neal. Sam wanted to learn to make pottery. So George signed him up for the Fall 1987 pottery classes at Sunny Caverns Park District (because the cost of pottery classes was cheaper back then). Sam proved to be an incredible talent and made some very life-like works out of clay. His finest moment came when he sculpted a very realistic baby duckling!

George's other son, Mike, entered the 2012 Olympics and took 1st place in the 100 meter dash, beating Usain Bolt by two whole strides! George was very proud that the boys got their looks from their mom, but inherited his ability to amaze.

 

In 3014, feeling melancholy as a result of a worldwide illness that removed the human eye's ability to detect a significant amount of electromagnetic radiation on the visible spectrum (the R and the G were notably absent, leaving only the B - which as an aside contributed to Van Gogh's Blue period after he traveled with Neal and George to -- eh, that's a story for another time), George and Neal decided to brighten up the world's mood by releasing board games based on popular movies. The games were a big hit, as the people of 3014 were very nostalgic towards movies that were made between 1975 and 2012. In retrospect, the games were complete nonsense, with rules from 20+ other games sloppily cobbled together. None of them made any sense. Therefore, Michael Bay Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr's grandson rushed to option the rights to make them into movies.

The popularity of the games reached such great heights that, in thanks and gratitude, others created games based upon the life of George and Neal. The game was so complicated due to the frequent time traveling and history altering events, that it caused 95% of the people attempting to play to lose their sanity. The remaining 5% had little sanity to begin with, so...

 

In 2077 George and Neal revolutionized the mathematical world when they discovered a method of dividing by zero. Yes, Chuck Norris did it first, but he was unwilling to share his ability with others, selfish bastard.

 

In 2029, George and Neal decided to tinker with building functional teleportation technology. Unfortunately, it had been years since either Neal or George watched the 1986 Jeff Goldblum film, The Fly, which illuminated the dangers of teleportation. When the first opportunity arose to use the teleportation device, the men fought over who could use it first. George raised the fact that whoever went first had the potential to be a Neal Armstrong-like figure. Neal raised the fact that Neal Armstrong's first name was Neal, and therefore he should go first. It was sound logic. George refused to accept it, however, and flung himself into the device. Neal did the same. The result was catastrophic (and sexy), in which Neal and George's DNA were combined, creating what at least two people believe to be the smartest man in history. This amalgamation dubbed itself "George Neal." Unfortunately, while the teleportation / recombination was occurring, knobs got fiddled accidentally (that's what she said) and George Neal was flung back into the late 1700's. Though possessing great knowledge and incredible oration skills, George Neal had none of the memories of George or Neal. George Neal believed himself to be the son of a Scottish Highlander who set up permanent residence in South Carolina. For reasons unknown, George Neal chose to stay loyal to the British during the War of Independence. George Neal distinguished himself during the war, even being promoted to Major. He later became an explorer, exploring the north shore of Lake Erie by boat. Ultimately, after leaving America, Major Neal became Canada's first saddlebag preacher for the Methodist church.

Major Neal married, had a daughter Esther, and purchased 200 acres in the Port Rowan Long Point area at Cope's Landing, Ontario. On February 27, 1840, while his granddaughter was reading scripture to him, Major George Neal was hit on the head with an errant pineapple. How the pineapple found its way to Canada remains a mystery. In any event, the noggin clockin' caused the amnesia to disappear and both George and Neal's memories overwhelmed Major Neal.

Missing his/their respective families (and vowing he/they would never tell them about his/their wife, children, grandchildren, and Canadian property ownership), Major Neal faked his/their death the very next day. It was easy back then. He/they just said, "I'm dying" closed his eyes, and held his/their breath. When no one was looking, he/they built a rudimentary time machine out of twigs, berries, and of course, rocks and put it in his/their pocket. After his/their burial, he/they activated the time machine, traveling back to 2029. He/they reverse-engineered their DNA joining (did I mention, ewww?), thereby finally separating George and Neal. There were little long-term physical ramifications, other than Neal smelling like George (egg drop soup) and George smelling like neal (feet, soaked in egg drop soup). Like everything else in this chronology, the events were entirely true. As proof, one need only to visit the Neal Memorial Methodist Church in Port Rowan, Ontario (which was established in September 1912 by George Neal's grandson, Rev. George Neal Hazen, and which still remains to honor "Canada's First Saddlebag Preacher"). One could also read more about these events at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Neal.

 

During their chronal adventures, Neal and George discovered a deep, dark secret of the music industry. Apparently for years the Johnson & Johnson company has been clandestinely influencing some of Rock & Roll's greatest artists. George and Neal weren't so shocked as Johnson & Johnson's sponsorship and promotion of the arts as much as we were at the fact that these incredible shows of support have been kept secret from the multitudes. Among the shocking discoveries are:

• J&J's Baby Shampoo sponsored Ozzy's No More Tears tour.
  
  
   

  
  
  
  Ironically, Ozzy cried himself to sleep every night of this tour.



• J&J's Baby Powder inspired Clapton's Cocaine.


• J&J's Band-Aid was the corporate sponsor for Farm-Aid.


• In 2010 J&J's Listerine promoted a one-night-only concert for Baltimora, which consisted only of an extended version of "Tarzan Boy".


• In 2014 Steven Tyler of Aerosmith will legally change his name to Steven Tylernol after an endorsement deal with J&J's Tylenol brand.


• J&J Dental Floss receives royalties every time Sisqo's "Thong Song" is played.


• Chris DeBurgh's hit "Lady in Red" was written one night after his girlfriend sent him out to buy J&J Maxi Pads.


• Pink Floyd's remastered "Dark Side of the Moon" 1998 25th anniversary album art actually featured an image of J&J Acuvue contact lenses instead of a prism.
  
  
   

  
  
  This alternative cover was not was not approved by George Hardie, however Guido 'Knuckles' Johnson and Vinnie 'I Breaka You Face' Johnson were very convincing.



• J&J's Neutrogena covertly founded Lollapalooza, H.O.R.D.E. Fest, Lilith Fair, Woodstock, and other concert festivals to attract young, acne-prone teens.


• The hats that Devo wore in their video for "Whip It" were actually spray painted rolls of J&J's Duct Tape.

And we're positive that we've only scratched the surface of Johnson & Johnson's mysterious involvement in the history of Rock & Roll.

 

Exhausted with the mean-spirited nature of recent presidential elections as well as the inability of presidents to follow through on campaign promises, George and Neal decided to run for president in 2016. Problems quickly arose when the two could not agree which one would run as President and which one would be relegated to the position of Vice-President. They decided to let the public decide, by using the time machine to run both a Jaros/Simon campaign AND a Simon/Jaros campaign.

It became very confusing when Neal debated George during the Presidential debate, followed by Neal debating George during the Vice-Presidential debate.

Their seemingly infallible plan to hold the highest office backfired, as exactly 49.5% of the voters cast their ballots for the Jaros/Simon combo, and exactly 49.5% of voters cast their ballots for the Simon/Jaros combo. Due to an obscure law that George and Neal unfortunately passed during their three day reign in 1943, the winner was determined by the remaining 1%, which voted as follows: 15% for Ross Perot, 10% for Harrison Ford (thinking he did a wonderful job in the Air Force One movie), 20% for Peter J. Oberweis (running on a "ice cream shall be mandated a vegetable" platform), 25% for Howard the Duck, and the remaining votes went to the winner and write-in candidate, Ralph Nader. Ironically, Nader declined the position. This explains how, for 4 years, the leader of the free world was almost a duck. (Thank goodness ducks were outlawed in 1776.) This also explains why, in 2018 ice cream was declared a vegetable.

 

Unbeknownst to most people, the original Star Trek series was actually a documentary series about George and Neal's adventures. Captain Kirk and his crew were part of a film crew charged with a 5 year mission to explore planets and civilizations that were originally discovered and documented (and sometimes even created) by George and Neal during their adventures. The original catch phrase for the show was "To boldly go where no man (except for George and Neal) has gone before", however to better fit onto promotional posters (and since whether George and Neal were men or gods was a hotly debated topic in the late 1960's) it was shortened to the well known phrase, which I'm sure you are very familiar with. If not, then go ask a nerd.

 

Somehow, a tribute video was found in 1035 A.D. Weird... The video is a collection of photos from some of George and Neal's greatest achievements, set to a song that sounds remarkably like Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You". Awwww, how touching... (Eeew, get your hands off!) 1035 A. D.? We KNEW Sarah McLachlan ripped that song off of somebody. Strange, her version sounds almost exactly the same as the one from almost 1000 years ago! And gee, whoever did that song sure misses us. We should probably go back and visit.

 

In 2016, George and Neal turned their attention to songwriting. They ghost-wrote a string of musical hits, including "We Built This City" by Starship (1985), "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by Baha Boys (2000), and "(You're) Having My Baby" by Paul Anka (1974). Their songs were all chart-topping, yet widely held as the worst songs ever made. (For a full list of their super-popular, super-terrible songs, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_music_considered_the_worst#Songs).

Prompted by their musical success, George and Neal released their own record, George and Neal Get Aural. Some people say the music was misunderstood, because it was way ahead of its time; but some people are idiots. The music was atrocious. The album was released on January 6, 1953. One day later, President Truman announced that the US developed the Hydrogen Bomb. George and Neal believe this to be no coincidence, and was in direct response to their album's release. Nevertheless, the album spawned three hit singles, "The Ballad of Clem (Who?)", "Misplaced Coinpurse", and "Party Like It's 1234 B.C." (the latter forming the basis for George and Neal's lawsuit against Prince for his song "Party Like It's 1999" despite the fact that they wrote the song in 2016 (well after Prince released his song) but released it in 1953.)

 

In 1983 George convinced Patrick Stewart that it was time to change his hairstyle and shave his afro. Neal suggested a mohawk instead, which Patrick tried, but after a few months Patrick decided the mowhawk wasn't an edgy enough hair and it was time to go for a classically timeless skullet. He wore the skullet to great success as Gurney Halleck in 1984's Dune, however in 1987 Neal tried to talk Patrick into turning the skullet into Bozo hair, but he wisely refused and instead decided to go for the full cue ball effect. The glabrescent style became part of his trademark look and helped him land the iconic role of Captain Jean Luc Picard after Robert H. Justman, producer for a revival of a long-cancelled television show, saw Patrick while attending a literary reading at UCLA. The rest is, as they say, "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot."

 

In 1978 a temporary glitch in George and Neal's Time Machine (well, not so much a glitch as Neal spilling a tub of Tang drink mix onto the controls - you'd think a time machine originally designed for making smoothies would be more resilient) caused a temporal-reality-rift. Nothing much was changed, except that Scott Baio was turned into a tasty Spanish dessert. That's ok though, because Scott went on to make his well known hits, Happy Days, Joanie Loves Churros, and Churros in Charge. Despite the name changes the shows still earned rave reviews and Baio was still a heart throb, although among overweight women with a sweet tooth instead of young teenage girls.

 

Tired of all the speculation, George went back to 1984 and showed the world who was the boss.

It was George.

 

On April 25, 2014 Bette Midler was finally successful in her dastardly plot to capture Neal and George. Using a baked lasagna she was able to lure them into her trap (truthfully they suspected a trap all along, but thought it was for Garfield and wanted that lasagna before the fat cat arrived). For over 20 months the fearless explorers were trapped in stasis pods and subjected to Midler's mind probes. Finally, on December 31, 2015 George and Neal were heroically rescued by their future selves (from all the way on January 1, 2016). And once again, all was right in the world. Celebration and parties ensued throughout the galaxy until the stroke of midnight (Central Standard Time) when George and Neal actually became their future selves and had to leave the party early to go rescue themselves. I'd explain further, but it just gets more confusing. Hey look, a lasagna!

 

In 1988 Neal's infatuation with John Cusack reached an all-time high. John was generally pretty cool with it, but during the filming of Say Anything Neal went just a little too far (apparently hiding in the back seat of John's 1976 Blue Chevy Malibu and screaming "I LOVED YOU IN BEING JOHN MALKOVICH!" was the final straw - on a side note, Neal's constant mention of that film is what made John decide to take the roll of Craig Schwartz 10 years later). Cusack ended up body slamming Neal just minutes before filming the iconic radio scene. If you look closely in that scene you can see Neal's foot twitching in the bottom right corner of the frame.

 

Unbeknownst to many, and typical for a Hollywood film, 2000s blockbuster hit Cast Away, starring Tom Hanks, was nowhere near as good as the Broadway musical it was based on, which also starred Tom Hanks and, coincidentally, Neal. Neal played the iconic role of Wilson in the musical, however Tom Hanks got tired of carrying around Neal's severed head and wanted to share the screen with a volleyball for the movie. Neal wasn't too upset though because after his head spending 36 weeks on Broadway his body was starting to get hungry. So George hot-glued Neal's head back on and he had his first meal in months. Ironically, Neal chose coconuts for his first meal.

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